luxury | The Mistress Speaks episode 5

I tried to resist the urge to read back, to the first four posts. But then I needed to have a look anyway, to see which episode we were on.
And perhaps I longed for a little brush up, on what this series was about.
Unfortunately, I saw I had already written about many of the key insights, that are so fresh to me.  They’re guidelines I reconnect with frequently, in order to sustain this “lifestyle”.
Although lifestyle and the word luxury in the title, do not refer to something financial, nor to something that gives me status.
The reason I refer to mistresshood as a luxury, is because it is.
Most people have dreams that either include, or require, an emotionally stable home base, or a double income. And others have needs or problems which will be relieved if they could stabilize themselves, by being able to focus on one person. Or if they’re saved by someone who will supply the base level of what it is they’re missing.
Labels of sexual preference, gay, straight, bi, and to a lesser extend monogamous and polyamorous, are not an actual representation of the diversity; They’re simply the only people who found it absolutely impossible to function in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship.
They had no choice but to start acknowledging their sexual nature.
And often realize their sexuality, preferences, kinks and turnoffs, are made of a thousand different aspects that make them unique. 
But barely anyone investigates their sexuality, as long as it functions half decent,  within the boundaries of what we think is normal.
And this is because we have all those needs and wants in the rest of our life, on an earthy, practical level. So unless you absolutely don’t function within normality, exploring your true nature comes at way too big a cost.
For me it took over a decade of dedicated soul and sex searching before I realized what was “wrong” with me:
I like to be monogamous, so have one sexual partner.
With whom I m MADLY in love!
But I need this man to be in control.
There is a part of me that says: I need this man to fool around a bit, and be unreliable.
But that’s not exactly true… I need him to be fascinating, and do his OWN THING. Whether he actually has sex with other women is completely beside the point, but he needs to keep me interested.
He needs to pull the string of wool back from the playing cat, so that I can chase it. Or wonder if he will come back to play. He cannot give me the ball of wool. I would be extremely bored.
So this was the detailed version of the story.
I usually round it off to:
“I am monogamous, but I need a man who’s not.”
For me understanding this has been absolutely huge!
But it took me ten years.
Years I could have spent building a multi-million dollar empire, traveling the world, raising children. I didn’t do any of those things.
I just dated, got home, and wrote everything out like a mad woman.
For ten years.
THAT is luxury!
And one few people have. Not unless they’re willing to give up their needs, their wants, and their reserves.
Because it doesn’t stop. They say love is a verb; well that is true regardless of which form you put it into.
You always have to work.
You always get tested.
Even the most non-committal structure has its challenges.
I don’t have much experience with one night-stands, but from what I ve noticed is that they put a huge strain on my self-esteem. It is practically impossible for me to share myself physically, and to not die of anxiety in the days after.
That terrible craving for connection after I had sex with someone, that’s the reason I am monogamous, in the sense that I only want one partner.
I don’t have that post-sex connection with my lover, either. He doesn’t text me or anything. But because it’s been the same man for almost four years now, I can statistically assume he’ll not grow tired of me overnight.
Or that he’s no longer interested because he has already “had” me.
Every time I see him, still feels like the first to me. But the history we share do make the after-sex dip bearable. Often I don’t feel it at all, or only very briefly.
But I get tested too, in my (at first glance) non-committal arrangement of being his secret lover.
Just this week, it really came up for me!
I felt a stab of jealousy, and insecurity. A full realization that if I find it arousing to not know what he’s up to, he might actually be up to something!
Jealousy can cut you swiftly and ugly.
And it did.
Even though I know it’s part of the game. Part of what I like here.
And not having him to myself is the reason I m still in love after such a long time; I know that for certain.
So then I m tested with these feelings of doubt. Will I lose him?
Will he choose his wife, or leave her for another woman, who s not me?
There’s all kinds of scenarios where I could still end up empty handed, before our four year anniversary.
And that’s when I remind myself:
This is a luxury.
My relationship with him, is pure pleasure, consent, desire, and lust. We love each other deeply. I know that, even though we never speak such words.
It can be felt.
But it’s that fresh type of love which is connected to wanting. Not to needing.
The moments I think I need to know if he’s “faithful”, are my tests. They’re red flags; Not of our relationship.
But of me trying to turn this into something that it never was. And that I don’t even want it to be.
Having a lover is a luxury.
And no matter what happens in life, it’s one I will insist on having.

~The Mistress

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