Back in business

After a week long meltdown, Lauren’s back in business.
Hide.
.
I’m both ashamed, as well as immensely proud of how I handled my rampant emotions last week.
Proud because it gave me an enormous breakthrough. It might actually have been nessecary to hit rock bottom before I could say:
“THAT’S ENOUGH!!!”
And take matters into my own hands.

But ashamed because I feel like such a pushover, if I look back at my yoga career. I didn’t stand up to defend my loudness, my outspokenness and my extravagance.
Instead I adopted beliefs that were not mine, and build my business executing them. 
I’ve practiced yoga a few times at my studio this week, which I ve kept on as potential business space. And I had so much fun practicing, I considered picking up teaching.
But I realize now that it would have to be under this name: Lauren Harteveld, or LS Harteveld.
Because my real name will always be associated with my 15 year long yoga career, and the deeply confused personality it gave me.
What I might do, in the future, is to start a new business as LS Harteveld, and this could include yoga.
But whether I’ll only live from selling my books, or start a new company again, the real, troubled me never has to do something in her life again.
She’s my legal name, on paper. And it will be for the people who are in my life by default. My family, neighbors.
But her giving, sensitive personality is no longer available.
And I won’t go too deep into how bad she’s doing, but it has been really helpful to have a friend explain to me why I ve felt so dark this year.
She said this is true for the majority of people with suicidal thoughts:
I felt I had to fit into such a small box of what I was supposed to do, and be, to be a good person.
I was basically saying:
“Then I might as well take the rest out as well.”
I already felt spiritually dead.
The solution I choose is to give myself permission to be me, but under a different name. Not under the name that has been troubled by fifteen years of trying to make a living inside a tiny box.
I set the boxed up, damaged side of me, free.
She never has to work another day.
Instead she can sit by the sea and have fish nibble her toes. Go on sex vacation.
Or make children’s drawings and play house with her pluche Kylo Ren doll, which is what she currently enjoys doing.
But despite that side of me, being broken and sad, I also realized that the wild version of me, was not done with life at all. She was rattling the locks and clawing the bars after a life in confinement.
She wanted out!
This side of me, 
Lauren Harteveld or LS Harteveld which has been my pen name since 2006, was the one who said to the real, depleted, me:
“You go enjoy Sweetie. Let me handle this.
I ll have this thing full throttle in 6 months.”
Lauren can’t wait to write daily but also to publish all those new books. Get it out into the world and start building a business as a writer.
So from this day forward, I will only be known as Lauren Harteveld, or LS Harteveld. I will be the one publishing all the books, making all the monies, and kicking all the ass.
You can expect both English posts (here on this blog),
and Dutch/Nederlands hier op het Nederlandse blog
And I might revive my YouTube channel!
Could happen!
I m on fire!
So better subscribe to LS Harteveld on:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJuLkg5MLlvxCqP9sEruTaQ
.
See you around kid.

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~Lauren
<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

Back in business is the thirty-seventh chapter from Project M. 

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