Sooner or later

Dick Tracey:
“Whose side are you on?”

Breathless Mahony: 
“The side I’m always on. Mine.”

For the past couple of weeks, I ve been wondering: Why is this so hard?
Why don’t I feel light, relieved, and hopeful, about having another identity? Another career? 
Wasn’t this what I always wanted, to be a full-time writer?
It’s not the writing in a narrow sense that interests me. It’s the expression of ideas. To be free to think and to say what I want.
I have all the time in the world, and no appointments since I don’t have clients in terms of people who are buying my time, or my presence. Not even online.

I sell books, and I create new work only from soul.
Then WHY does it feel like I’ve lost something?
And not just something…. something extremely important. Something that has most likely been there for a very long time, but which presence I didn’t feel until now that it’s gone.
And then I knew it…
Yesterday, when I was having my second fit of jealousy in a pretty short time, that’s when I knew what was up.
First of about that jealousy: It’s a returning thing.
As a mistress it is my nature to long for taken men, who have at least one other woman in their life. Yet even after four years, whenever I feel left out of Mr.Big’s life, I can still worry there is someone else.
I don’t so much fear Mr.Big choosing his wife, and wanting to be monogamous. That would be painful emotionally but ego-wise it wouldn’t.
It would be an admirable choice, coming from a longing to be normal and do the right thing.

No, I m talking about the risk of him actually falling in love with someone else.
Or getting entangled in a web of vulnerability and possessiveness of someone most likely way younger than we are.
That is when ego and heart are stabbed at the same time, and it keeps me up at night.
It was through these returning cycles of jealousy, far more frequent than usual, that I knew something was up. Either with him- that there was more at play than he cared to share, and I was picking it up telepathically.
Or there was something wrong with me, and I was projecting my insecurity onto him.
Last week I concluded that it was probably a bit of both.
But now that I was struck with a second fit of jealousy, and feeling even sadder than last week, I wasn’t so sure I understood this.
And I dug a little deeper.
Why was I feeling so insecure, jealous, sad, when I had just chosen my dream life, dream career also? To become the famous LS Harteveld.
And then it hit me.
Of course.
By becoming Lauren Harteveld full-time, I had created a path for myself to grow. But what I had not realized, was that I had also cut off all paths, that required me to play small.
Where I was an out-of-work yoga teacher, with a time consuming hobby called writing.
Where I fell in love with Mr.Big, in 2018 or 2019.
And he divorced his wife, in an elegant way. Pretending it was shortly after we met.
I would write in my blogs Mr.Big and me had broken up, and I had met this new man.
And never speak of “Mr.Big” again.
I would sacrifice my story, of our secret love affair’s happy ending. All in order to make things easy for him and his family.
The reason I had suddenly become hyper aware of how vulnerable my position was, the moment I chose to be Lauren Harteveld full-time, was because I had inadvertently made a drastic choice.
That I was writer first.
Lover second.
And bending over backwards to save everybody’s feelings, never.
Not even my own.
Although I believed my choice to be Lauren Harteveld was the right one, and ultimately inevitable, it had marginalized my chances of getting what I wanted most:
Mr.Big by my side.
I had every right to feel sad over that.
And so did he.

An unexamined life is not worth living

Sooner or later is the fortieth chapter from Project M. 

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