Category: 7-figure rock star writer

The fear thing is never going to work. And also: Always eat the marshmallow

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment
Rockstar Marshmallows @Jill Taylor-Moore Pinterest

I guess you could call this my first real workday.
Not in the sense that I’m at an employer’s desk right now.
In fact, for the first time in many weeks, I m behind my desk unshowered, in my bathing robe, drinking coffee and tea I made for my breakfast.
I just didn’t have the patience to “sit it out”!
I felt this neeed to go to my desk and write.
Which is ironic because just yesterday, I retired from being a writer.
At least that’s how I labeled it, because despite how much I wrote, I was never a writer:
I ve been a thinker and an expressionist. And I still am.
Just that for the past 13 years, I ve expressed my ideas primarily through writing, in the seclusion of my study. Now I m stepping out into the world to do the same but in conversation with people, not so much paper.
Through coaching clients, and by working a job on payroll.
I’m in doubt if I should share with you WHY I want a normal job. The thing most entrepreneurs don’t want!
But I’ve decided, yes, I will.
Because next to the number one rule, always eat the damn marshmallow, there is another rule: Always bare your naked soul into the world.
I’m kidding! That’s not a must! But yeah, the marshmallow one is, just take it from me.
So either read on (for more) or eat the marshmallow.
Okay.
The job.
So I ve been an entrepreneur for twenty years, on and off, counting my first business as a freelance writer.
I ve lost my yoga business in 2018, and I am not yet a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer, so it makes total sense to start looking for a job. But just last year, this thought scared me!!
It completely freaked me out.
Now this was for multiple reasons, one of them was that I was still convinced that I needed to write for four hours a day to stay sane. But working within a company also just scared the shit out of me.
All the power play, the small talk and the hidden agendas. Yuck.
But currently I am looking forward to it!
There still is the very important, ultimate goal of wanting to work from home, so that I can work while having a cat running around over my desk. But this goal does not have to be tied to having my own company, running my own business.
I m going to keep my coaching business, and keep publishing and selling my books. Because that’s who I am and that’s what I like to do.
Yet when I say I look forward to getting a job, I mean I m actually EXCITED to start from scratch, so to speak. I see it as a challenge.
No longer: “Boo hoo, I don’t want to work.”
It’s more like: “Bring it on!”
Ha ha ha ha.
Well, I m not that aggressive, but just to get my point across.
Because I am terrible with groups, organizations scare me, politics freak me out.
AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHY I WANT IT.
Just like 13 years ago, when I ended my long term relationship to start developing myself as a single woman. I was so scared of STD’s (even contracting them when using condoms) that I my long-term relationship was largely based on fear of the alternative, of being single.
I didn’t know exactly what type of relationship would fit me, but a relationship was never going to work, if it was rooted in fear of being more entrepreneurial with my love life.
For thirteen years I wrote about my journey from leaving my boyfriend, to one broken heart, eight years of dating, and ultimately four years of being a mistress.
The mistress-format was The One.
I’m not going to tell you if we’re still together, because I ve stopped writing about my love life. I’m no longer a diarist, that ended yesterday.
But being a mistress taught me everything I needed to know about Life, about myself, and on how to make the two fit.
Had I not set out to discover my true sexual identity, I would not have had the confidence now, to embark upon this new journey of going to work in a real job.
The relationship journey, which I started in 2006 when my relationship ended, is fulfilled. I know I m a mistress: someone who commits, chooses for one person. Who supports him in whatever he chooses to do. Even if that would mean breaking up with me.
Someone who needs to admire the man she’s with.
But I also need a lover to keep an emotional distance from me. He has to just be there, like a beacon, or a work of art. Someone I can admire, and fantasize about.
I ve seen female muses depicted like that in movies: A beautiful woman who totally disrupts your life, costs a lot of money and energy, but man, is she good for your creativity!
I have that with a man: I ll gladly step up my game to what it needs to be, in order to function under the extreme insecurity. Live under this tension.
And reap the benefits of the creative flow he’s causing.
After four years of having this relationship, I can honestly say that I don’t see myself functioning in relationships where there is not the challenge of keeping him interested.
I honestly wouldn’t know how to make that work.
But the journey has been completed, mission fulfilled.
I am no longer scared of being single nor of STD’s the way I used to be. As long as I only have sex if I really want to, I m good.
The fear was never about contracting something, it was about contracting an STD, without the sex, the fling, being acknowledged by both him and me, as something that was really good and special.
Now I know this is my own responsibility.
I m the one who needs to want the sex, I am the one who makes the experience special. If he on the other hand, has different women for breakfast, lunch and dinner, it should never influence how I experience it.
I ve learned to say yes to marshmallow sex, without asking him if he thinks it is a really special marshmallow, and if it’s more tasty than all the other marshmallows and so on.
I m just happy to have found such a tasty one!
But I m drifting off.
Like I said: I know all this. That journey has truly ended. I got this!
But the thought of being famous, and attracting stalkers because I’m a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer?
Gave me sleepless nights.
The thought of being trapped working for a company?
Cold sweat!
But now I realize that this means I just HAVE TO do them!
That setting up some kind of new small business, something agreeable, so that I can avoid both being a rock star writer, as well as avoid having a payroll job, is not an option.
Because then the way I make a living, is a choice out of fear.
Just like my long-term partner, in 2006, was and probably still is, an amazing guy. We could have made it work, one way or another. The problem was not him.
The problem was that being single scared the shit out of me, and I hadn’t worked through that. I had made him, or a relationship, a need.
And because of that, he could not be a choice, a want.
So my turning point, to looking forward to a payroll job, was not so much when I started figuring out how to make that work. I have a few ideas on that, for sure! I know key elements that will make the job easy and fun for everybody, I know how to be a delight of an employee.
But no, the turning point for me, in wanting a payroll job, was to realize that NOT having one? NOT succeeding in one? But in particular STAYING SCARED of one?
Was not an option.
That was never going to work.
The threat of a normal job, in case my company went bankrupt or something, would just keep hanging over me.
This had to be done, the same way I had to leave the relationship 13 years ago.
My main reference for these new things in my life, will be of course the journey in becoming a mistress. And everything I ve learned about power play, how the world works, and how you can win in a position that has no formal power.
Without use of violence, or manipulation.
But an amazing experience for both.
I may have been totally new at being single, but after thirteen years I have the best and most flawless relationships imaginable.
So of course, I m going to apply that in all my work from now.
But “Mistress” is a difficult word to communicate.
It triggers, well.. stuff.
And this morning I thought “Always eat the marshmallow” pretty much sums up everything I stand for and it’s less triggering, than using the Mistress term.
Eat the marshmallow comes from a famous experiment (video).
It’s a psychology test where children are told (in a neutral way) that they have a choice between eating the marshmallow, or waiting until the assistant returns. If they haven’t eaten it, they get a second one.
So either postpone your pleasure, and you get two.
Or eat the one you have.
For a long time it was thought the children eating it, were less successful later on in life because they couldn’t control themselves. But in recent years they found that those were the children from poorer families:
Food was not always available, promises could not always be kept, so they took what they had instead of waiting for a future outcome.
It is also very likely this background of having limited resources explained the differences in what they would achieve in life, compared to the group of children who waited for the second marshmallow.
That it wouldn’t have made any difference, if had learned waiting and investing payed off.
But in my opinion, it’s not the children who eat the marshmallow, who risk leading the wrong lives:
It’s the kids who don’t.
They’re the ones spending their whole lives in relationships, businesses, or companies that they don’t like. Patiently waiting for the second marshmallow.
Which may very well never come.
Just take the first one.
Trust me.

~Lauren
Always eat the marshmallow. 

Work with me { my first sales page! } 

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

Nederlandse boeken kun je ook direct bij mij bestellen

About this blog

Is the first chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 2: Always eat the marshmallow

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

The 5 things that provided my breakthrough { letter to Sara }

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

Hi Sara,

I just wanted to let you know I ve FINALLY broken through ALL resistance, and am flying way high with my books.
It’s the massive breakthrough I ve been waiting for, probably ever since 2017 when I published my first 10 books 😅
Naturally I AM trying to analyze how I manifested this:
What did I do differently this time?
What were the key elements that are allowing me to publish my books and basically entirely reinvent myself?
I ve come up with several things, but it will always be a chicken and egg situation:
Did these things happen as a result of me being ready?
Or did these things cause me to be ready and are they in fact a formula?
And then (oh dear) there is the most likely and equally unpopular scenario:
That it was because of a man.
That behind my back my lover shifted his attention/focus towards me, liberating himself from struggles I suspect have been going on, which could have been dating back to late 2017.
But lets’s not think about that.
Let’s ignore that the truth could be as simple as:
Secret lover who I hardly see, is thinking of me?
Me happy.
Secret lover who I hardly see, is not interested in me?
Me analyzing the fuck out of life why I m feeling so bad.
So if I assume I have control over my life and emotions, then these are the things that shifted my energy. A list which should be kept some place safe so I can follow this recipe whenever I need to publish my books or realign my career, again.

1.The 7 Figure Basement

One week ago I had this epiphany:
“Oh my God! This is NOT the basement of a successful person! I need to clear this!”
And I took on the humongous task of clearing it out.
2/3 of the things are from my best friend who has migrated, but her things and my things had gotten mixed up, because of the renovation. And the renovation had made them dusty plus a lot of the boxes had cracked under the weight after being stacked on top of each other for such a long time. 
It took me five hours but I now have a beautiful basement, and all her things have little cards on them, with her name.
So now I have a 7-Figure Basement.

2.The movie Vice

This movie has sparked the idea that my Vice qualities (loyalty, strategic thinking and handling mundane tasks) (such as publishing my books!) may be my most monotizable qualities to get a job.
And around the same time, I realized that my most important value in life, the thing I want more than any other thing, is to be able to work from home.
With a cat running over my desk.
And my dream life is not having a cat, while mommy is out somewhere else. Worrying sick.
Actually, working from home was the main feature which appealed to me, about this project I started in December:
7-Figure Rock Star Writer.
But in hindsight it didn’t really say 7-Figures.
What I meant was I wanted to become a “Earn enough to stay home with cats Writer”
Not catchy!
But the combination of the three, Vice inspiration, working home with cats, and 7-Figure Rock Star Writer, does inspire me to be my own Vice, in the upcoming weeks or months.
To fully back myself publishing my own books.

3. Only write when I have to!

Originally I stopped writing altogether, like a fasting, in order to publish my books. But some things needed to be processed, and I gave in to that. So I did write a couple of things and I m okay with that.
To only write if I really need to, will be my new normal.
Not “write daily” or something.
That is too distracting. 

4. Follow the flow

This is a super long paragraph, but the one-sentence management summary is:
Always follow flow!
(not your planning)
I ve had multiple days where I did not do what I had scheduled, and it was the most important factor in all my breakthroughs. 
On Saturday, one week ago, I created a sales page for coaching women.
A totally unexpected move, at the time I didn’t even understand why I was doing this.
But that night, I went into the basement to clear it out -> and the FLOW creating my books followed!
So it was:
Create sales page for coaching (unscheduled)
Clear out basement (unscheduled)
FLOW CREATING MY BOOKS!
And I ve also decided to stop writing in Dutch; I can bind all my Dutch LS Harteveld stories, dating back to 2007.
This is the perfect time for me to end it.
And next to becoming a coach, and quitting writing in Dutch, it goes even further because (hold on tight) after 13 years
I M ENDING MY CAREER AS A WRITER/ DIARIST!
I really feel I no longer want to write about real life situations, with the possible exception of writing about my lover and me, but only if it adds to what I know about life.
After my last call with you, where we wondered what my friend thought my purpose was, I asked her.
She answered she thought my message was the Mistress.
And at that time I was still like: “Oh the Mistress…. jeezz”
But now I’m seeing she was right.
I crave to become this persona, this professional.
Not the one who constantly reflects inward, but the one who shares, and monetizes, what she knows. What she has learned.
The way I see it, my new topic, or quest, is applying the mistress principles in order to become a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer.
I see coaching as a way to help others, and to keep developing these freedom or Mistress principles. 
I ve stopped seeing myself as a writer, because I really feel that is no longer where I need to be.
These books I m currently publishing are an end to the yoga career, to the diarist era, and to writing in Dutch.
And they’re also the symbolic ending of the path I set foot on 12 years ago, to figure out my love life.
I ve reached my destination, I reached it four years ago when I became a mistress.
I m now turning onto the path of becoming a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer, but much more from the perspective of personal development, using the Mistress principles. 
The 7-figure journey and the Mistress principles are what I share. 
It’s almost like it was inevitable, that I would turn away from the Dutch market, where I wrote about things like movies and men. As if there was a deep understanding within me, that those are all distractions.
To become a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer, and share my Mistress message, I need to keep my eyes on the big picture and not be seduced by the devil or local or small successes.
Unless I fall in love with the devil and we have sex, but that’s following flow 😂
Okay, so ALL that happened, in the slipstream of writing one sales page on a Saturday.
All because I followed flow! 
And on Thursday I did it again: Instead of working on publishing my LS Harteveld books, I started working on my yoga books. Which were not a priority and not part of the plan for March.
But just like writing the sales page and clearing out the basement, it paid off.
I found an English manuscript on White Tigress yoga, and I created a book within a day.
It does not have a spiffy cover (and I may in fact have to redo the cover, because of the quality of the pixels) but I just couldn’t be bothered to wait.
I published it, put it out there for sale, and ordered a test copy.
The second way this Thursday paid off, is that this book White Tigress yoga has reconnected me with my own love for yoga. I printed my own White Tigress book, and hope to be back on the mat soon!
And after taking this huge risk on Thursday, I started working on my Dutch yoga book again, on Friday!
Just like the White Tigress book, the main yoga book was also supposed to be like a workbook, only yoga schedules really.
But then I wanted to illustrate it with posts from my Dutch blog, on the different styles of yoga which it covers. Browsing through my yoga blog I found something:
The story of my last 18 months teaching yoga!
So I ve reframed the entire yoga book, to include my writing. I ll call it Diary of a Yoga Teacher or something.
And it will contain both my blog posts, as well as a year’s worth of schedules.
“Finding” this whole new book on Friday, after already publishing one on Thursday, made me incredibly happy.

5. (Follow the flow but) Don’t drop the ball

Every day I check my bank account, track my expenses and do something to publish my books.
This can all be done in 10 minutes.
It makes me confident that I will always be on top of my finances, and will stay connected to the publishing process. 
As long as I meet a minimal daily requirement, I can go with the flow the rest of the day.
Next to the above five things, and I would almost say “Mr.Big changing his mind”, there is of course another factor that may have contributed to me being so productive and focused:
Sleep-over cat baby K.
He reminds me of my deceased cat Max, more and more every day.
He’s so cuddly and sweet, and he has the same type of Siamese face. 
So on second thought, me working from home with cats may be more than an “ideal” work situation:
It’s more likely, it’s the only situation that is ever going to work.

Looking forward to our call, and I was happy to finally have some good news for you!

Warm regards.

~Lauren
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Work with me { my first sales page! } 

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

About this blog

The 5 things that provided my breakthrough { letter to Sara }
is the second-last chapter of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer
I had already written the last chapter yesterday.
Bye bye Writer. Hello Mistress. { final diary post }

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Bye bye Writer. Hello Mistress. { final diary post }

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

After 13 years of writing, I m calling it  quits.
In the upcoming weeks I will be publishing my new books:
1. Reboot, my final diary
2. Big Mistress, confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
3. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW All my stories 2007 – 2018
and 4. Blote Kont (Dutch, 2007-2019)
I ve been experiencing this feeling of being stuck for a while now.
Even in December, I tried to quit writing about my personal life.
The plan was to continue writing about how I became a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer but that has failed. I just can’t seem to uplevel myself or my writing.
But I need to break free, permanently, from writing about my life, and including my “personal timeline”.
The things I have clear right now are:
– I m moving from being a writer, someone who turns inward,
into teaching, inspiring and coaching. Someone who turns outward.
– I m moving from being a Mistress, because of the status I ve had the last four years, to being someone who teaches a Mistress Formula.
Maybe a better word would be A Freedom Formula.
I ve learned principles that apply to all situations where there are conflicts of interests and power play.
And I ve learned them WELL because I did not have the upper-hand during those four years. As a mistress, I played a game most women would refuse to play.
But I won.
A couple of weeks back, a friend said she thought my purpose/message was “The Mistress Thing”. And I can see she’s right:
I have indeed found a sexual orientation which will fit many independent women like a glove. But I m also just discovering that The Mistress is actually a position of power:
It’s the vacancy at the board of directors.
It’s the empty chair at the family table.
It’s the vacuum in the heart, of any man of power.
It’s the place we never took, but which was always there…
The Mistress is feminism at its finest, it is the big thing we all overlooked.
I m just beginning to understand the vast, powerful, meaning of what I have discovered.
But in order to do that, I need to let go of who I was, in a creative sense. I need to really BECOME her.
Professionally.
Because The Mistress principles, to have it your way in relationships, in business, in life, are not tied to if you really are a mistress or not.
And as such they are not tied to my personal diary.
On the contrary: I’m still unsure if this new persona, which I will develop should even be called The Mistress.
You know what has made me decide that she is?
It’s not my faith in the whole matter, because I would drop the title Mistress like a hot potato when given the chance.
No the reason I  know the title Mistress is the right one, is because I heard this inner-voice, saying to me that The Mistress wanted out.
She wanted to work, she wanted to coach.
She wanted to stand her ground, and be known.
And she, The Mistress, literally said to me:
“Trust me on this.”
So I will.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

About this blog

Bye bye Writer. Hello Mistress. { final diary post } is the final chapter of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Keep calm and carry on

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

Hi Sara,

My assignment for these weeks was that I wouldn’t plan anything. I wouldn’t make myself publish my books, or do yoga, or commit to a certain number of work hours. And you concluded our call saying:
“So this could mean, that every day might look entirely different!”
Which was both a thrilling perspective, as well as a daunting one since it implied I would let go, and just let life unfold.
However.
I’m afraid I have been really bad at using these weeks to explore this side of me, although I ve been reasonably good at not being productive. 
I got a sleepover cat, K, and his coming and presence simply prohibited me from doing anything, and I have a ten day void in my hour registration.
Which means I did all sorts of things, except being behind my desk.
I spent redoing my entire house and balcony for days on end, in order to get the house ready for K.
But also to get a new beginning, after I had a major reveal, and decided I needed a fresh start.
But let me start at the beginning.

The morning after our last call I was healed.
I knew a 100% sure that I would not go back to being suicidal over having to take a job. And the day after that, I realized:
“Yes. I can take a job without wanting to kill myself, but working from home with cats, will always be my dream life.”
Within hours after thinking that, a friend contacted me if I could take care of K. So immediately after making cats my priority, I got this amazing request!
Until K was actually here, and I experienced what he did to me, I assumed there was still the option of working a daytime job, with a couple of young healthy cats at home, who didn’t need my constant attention.
But K has taught me, that isn’t how I roll.
I m a real curling parent, when it comes to having cats.
Going to a job would feel like trying to function, while leaving your heart at home. 
So, since the last time we talked, I realized that although I m ready to go to work, and thinking about going for a year contract starting July 1st;
I am also more motivated than ever to keep the ball rolling with regard to my books and/or investigate if there are jobs I can do from home.
But after tying my cats to a steady income, earned from home no less, it was simply impossible not to commit to daily tasks and activities.
Just seeing how life unfolded seemed a waste.
And I have been moderately successful at tweaking how this works for me!
First of all, the key for me, seems to be to sleep in.
The moment I plan a time to rise, I can feel my heart contracting. That has happened twice in the past two weeks so there is no way, I can structure my day around a convenient, efficient time to get out of bed.
But I can do it around things that come naturally to me.
Here is my current planning:
-When I wake up, I scroll Facebook and Twitter and share memes and cat posts and other lighthearted things, to accounts that belong to my old yoga community. I usually get a lot of interaction/ response and it’s a low key and fun way to start the day.
-Then I do some inspired online reading and journaling. 
After an hour or so, I get out of bed, breakfast, watch dvd.
K and me are currently watching Basic Instinct 2! I bought a new copy after apparently losing the first one. Which I still find weird.
How do you lose a dvd, if you live alone? And in particular Basic Instinct 2, which no one will want to watch?
After our telly session I shower, get “properly” dressed (mind you, we are talking like 10AM or something by now!) and get behind my computer.
-I do my personal finance for 30 minutes. 
This is the habit I started right before our last call, and it was the only thing I could think of which could explain for my overnight healing. Not counting 7 months of painstaking self-reflection.
-Then I move on to my books.
I m currently retrieving old newsletters and turning the good ones into blog posts, both Dutch and English.
It’s a lot of work, and I didn’t have a full workday for as long as I can remember.
So many social appointments, and as I said redoing the entire house also took days out of my schedule. 
But nevertheless, this weekend I really saw that the Most Important Thing, was to do something on publishing my books. Every day. That the task of bringing all this material together in four books is so complicated, that it needs daily attention.
-And I close with sales
This is really simple, because I just tie it into the (re)post of my blog posts.
Which brings me to the two tasks which I ve been meaning to do, yet had zero results with.
1. Doing yoga, and 2. creating yoga schedules for the book under my real name.
It’s on my list every day, but I don’t do any of it.
For a day or two, I considered going back to making yoga videos (as I intended) but then I dropped that as well.
The daylight needed for video makes that a DAY job, and I really don’t want to waste precious working hours doing yoga, nor, from a business perspective, invest them in creating yoga videos to build an audience to which I will then sell the book :0 
So I think I ve finally let the yoga video idea go.
My yoga LEGACY will be in the form of a yoga book of easy accessible schedules.
I will not pass on my knowledge of how to teach yoga, or how to practice it.
Remind me, if I stray the path.
And then the BIG epiphany, the thing that along with K coming, sparked my need to move all my furniture around and redo the house:
I think I know why 2018 has been such a disastrous your.
And it didn’t have that much to do with losing Max, losing my business, my career, and falling in love with a second man.
No.
I think I have been unconsciously tapped into stuff which has been going on in my lover’s life. It might have started as early as 2017, because that’s when our sex life got a lot calmer. Every time we were together was such a unique and special occasion, we didn’t have the same levels of trust, to have sex the way we used to.
And now I look back at over a year of misery, where seeing my lover were actually the highlights, little pockets of time when we were in another Universe, and yet think:
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
When I feel shitty, the reason is as simple as:
Something is going on, unconsciously.
Like the secret of Mr.Big.
Or, comparable, like last summer when I turned my business inside out in an attempt to save it. Before I realized I had fallen in love with someone.
Changing my business was not going to solve anything.
Instead of acknowledging feeling weird, had to do with being love.
The first example (picking up Mr.Big’s secret) may sound a little more telepathic, but in both cases I looked for reasons and solutions, in the real world.
When that was not what was causing it.
My new strategy is interpreting anxiety or feeling sick, as things that do not have an explanation in the real world. The most efficient solution is to wait until they pass. Not to try and analyse them rationally. 
This would have saved a year of my life.
Looking forward to our video call very much.
Hope K will join us!

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices + free shipping Netherlands *
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

*  Nederland: tijdelijk geen verzendkosten en keuze uit het volledige oeuvre (10 boeken!) Gebruik code ONESHIP bij het uitchecken —

About this blog

Keep calm and carry on is Chapter 34 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Tattoo needed: If I feel crap, it’s ALWAYS about a man. Even when it’s not.

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

Tuesday night, February 26

The good news is: I m healed.
The even better news is: It evolved into a full-blown life transformation.
What started last Wednesday, waking up light as a feather, got better every day.
I m at the point where it wouldn’t surprise me if I was offered the job of my dreams tomorrow.
And the man of my dreams the day after that.
Although my shifts have been internal ones, of course! My manifestations in the real world have been limited (?!) to two cats.
Both offered to me within a week, after making this internal shift.
By the time the second one was offered, I had already said “Yes” to taking care of the first one; A sleepover cat who will stay with me until a friend has her own place again.
So I could not offer anything to the second cat.
But cats, just like jobs, just like men, come and go. I believe that all we need to do is open ourselves up, so the Universe can offer them.
That’s all there is to it.
So when I got offered the second cat, I knew it wasn’t my job to try to squeeze two cats foreign to each other, in my house and make that work.
Universe will sort it out.
I wouldn’t be surprised if one way or the other, I will be taking care of both, in the end. One temporarily, and adopt the other one after that. Who knows.
Universe does!
LOL
We humans make our lives way too difficult, thinking WE are the ones changing the course of things. WE are the ones “hunting” for success, a partner, or financial stability so that we can have cats.
When in reality, all you ever need to do, is commit to the desire.
If it’s meant to happen, Universe will find the best, most magical way to fulfill it. And if it doesn’t, if what you desire is NOT there?
The worst thing you could do, is to pull, hustle, manipulate and insist that you should have it.
Even if you’d pull that off, the thing would fall apart, walk away, or vanish into thin air, the moment you turned your back on it.
Because life is supported by forces we can’t understand.
To try to build a life going against it, is madness. 
So in my book, it was no coincidence that the cat was offered to me, within days after my renovation was finally over, and within 48 hours after I woke up healed.
I simply wasn’t ready to receive before.
With my sleepover cat coming, and still feeling a bit off in my house after returning from my temporary address and putting all my things back in their rightful place, I suddenly felt a spurt of energy, and rearranged my entire house.
Nearly every piece of furniture was moved and reallocated.
And although it is not uncommon for me to do this – I do it about once a year – it is the first time my house feels entirely different.
It is as if I ve moved house.
You can feel the change in my study, my bedroom, my living, my hallway, the wardrobe, and I ve bought two dozen plants for the balcony, so that the stay-over cat will feel at home.
He’s used to having a garden.
The toilet and my kitchen have been renovated, but the remarkable thing is that the energetic shift is much bigger in the rooms that didn’t have any work done, except new window frames.
So my three main reasons for moving around all my furniture were that the renovation is finally done, I was feeling light and energetic, and I had a cat coming Thursday.
All good reasons to spruce up my nest.
But the real inspiration didn’t come until there was a major reveal in my life!
Now to refresh your memory, or maybe this is the first time you are reading my work, so then this is new information:
I m someone’s secret mistress.
And last summer I fell in love with someone else, and he’s married too.
So obviously I can’t share exactly what’s going on.
But I ll say that the reveal had to do with my real lover. In hindsight the reveal explains so much about what went wrong.
Because I knew all along. I felt it.
Yet I have a self-deluding habit to analyse my feelings until I can explain them rationally.
Especially if they’re uncomfortable feelings, I won’t rest until I have a logical explanation. 
The best example of this is that I immediately tie my feelings of anxiety to the risk of people finding out about our affair, and then taking it out on me by killing me.
I ve had anxiety over that, or at least rationalizing that the anxiety was because of that, at least once a month. Starting early summer last year.
Now, I wasn’t stupid.
Part of me knew there were deeper underlying causes, and as 2018 progressed, I started seeing them.
These were the five underlying causes for my anxiety:
1. My cat Max died in January 2018
Max was the love of my life, my little fur baby, and it was, or even is, fair to say that I haven’t been stable since.
2. The renovation by the housing corporation
I have definitely been stressed out by this, during the scheduled run time from October until now.
But it all started early last year with their “pre-work”, I think is the best way to describe it; Unplanned or poorly communicated projects that had to do with the entire building and involved men in front of your windows when you didn’t expect them.
Which led to a horrific exposure, I don’t want to talk about. But which I ve half-consciously blamed for being the cause of all my misery in 2018.
And in particular the frequent anxiety attacks.
The only reason I refused to think it through, properly, how much this had contributed, was because I wanted to forget the whole incident and not think about it at all.
3. my yoga career and finances were falling apart
After Max died, I didn’t allow myself new cats because of the upcoming reno and my insecure financial situation.
In reality, my business had been starting to show tears as early as 2013, and my joy for the profession had been waning. But it wasn’t until Max had died that I was ready to face the consequences:
Either I had to reinvent what I was doing, or I had to end my yoga career.
I chose the first, failed, did the first again by focusing only on private classes, and failed again. On October 15, ten months after Max died, I unregistered from the Chamber of Commerce, marking the end of a 15 year long career.
Now naturally, witnessing the downfall of your livelihood, was a valid reason to be anxious, and burned out.  
4. I fell in love with someone else
This was something that went unnoticed for long. Yet, how did I manage to miss it, right? 
Was I really so caught up in grieving over Max and trying to save my yoga studio, that I failed to notice the most significant event in matters of the heart, ever since my affair with my secret lover Mr.Big started?
But once I saw what had been going on, I did blame falling in love for causing anxiety. And in particular the months where it had gone by unnoticed and derailed my life from my subconscious.
5. Getting offered a job and getting suicidal thoughts
This was my wake-up moment of how bad I was actually doing. Up until this point I had been able to rationalize it.
Cat died and business in turmoil.
So yeah, sure it sucked.
But becoming suicidal was way beyond “sucked”. That was serious. 
Especially if it happens after you’re offered a super flexible, high-paying, part-time job which would ease all of your money and career worries, and yet all you can think is:
“Okay, now I want to kill myself.”
That’s when I started taking my mental health more seriously. I realized I was suffering from stress, and close to burnout. It had been causing manic, I would almost say “psychotic” nights, more than I can count.
The stress had also been taking its toll on my heart, this has been going on since 2017. And by now it was affecting my will to live. 
I marked the moment I had suicidal thoughts as my lowest point.
From that moment, until last Wednesday, when I woke up light, as if the weight of the world had been lifted off me?
Seven months.
And if I include the exposure incident and Max dying, then it’s been 13 months, from having him die in my arms, to waking up healed.
I instantly knew I would never get suicidal again. Not even if I was offered a job 😉
And it got better every day!
Two friends both asked if I was interested in taking care of a cat, and I reconnected with my deep desire to work from home:
Even though money could, and maybe temporarily would, be earned in the real world; I would never call my life a success as long as I had to go out the door to earn a living.
I wanted to work from home so I could be with my cats. 
I decided to never give up on that dream, and to remain aware that’s what I really wanted. 
But rearranging my entire house, was not just connected to being healed, the renovation being over, and the cat coming Thursday;
It was something else.
The big reveal, with regard to my lover!
And it was this big reveal, that in retrospect, has been the cause of all the struggles in 2018. That’s my new hypothesis.
I got the information about the big reveal by chance. And it was something that had been going on in my lover’s life, and that he has been keeping from me.
Although it has been influencing our time together.
The last time we had exciting sex was 2017. I think…
Because all 2018? It was strange… Every time we were together it was as if we both felt new to each other, and uncertain of what to make of it.
Normally, that is my role.
I always feel vulnerable and unsure of myself, whenever I m with him.
Maybe it’s insecurity that simply comes from being a secret mistress.
You can’t boost your ego, or take solace in being the chosen one. Because by definition, you are not the chosen one. You re the extra. And with that, you’re expendable. 
Being a secret mistress is the most humble position you can put yourself in. But it‘s almost like a mindgame of mental masochistic behavior.
It makes me feel alive to go “there” where no other woman, or man, dares to go:
Total freedom.
The knowledge that he will only see me if he really wants to, and that he has no social, financial, or convenient reason to do so. That’s an incredible boost of ego!
It’s pleasure after the pain. 
But in 2018, it was as if he too, felt unsure.
He didn’t discuss this with me, that’s not his thing, thank God for that. But I could feel that he wouldn’t be as intimate, not melting together, gazing into each other’s eyes. 
And he didn’t seem to offer the solid foundation nessecary for more daring forms of sex, such as play rape, consent games, pain, anal sex.
For a whole year, we colored within the lines.
And yet where did I look for an explanation for my growing anxiety? And feeling life slip between my fingers?
At my cat dying.
At being exposed during renovations.
At falling in love with another man.
At my financial decline.
And ultimately at my business going down.
In short I looked everywhere except in the one place I should have been looking; At my lover.
ALL that time and energy sorting through my shit? What a waste! 
When will I learn that the only reason something is wrong, is because of matters of the heart?
I knew this!
I had experienced it first hand when I had fallen in love with the second man but I wasn’t aware of it. During those months, I invested more in marketing and in reorganizing my business, than I ever had in my life.
It should have worked by every entrepreneurial rule known to Men, except of course it didn’t.
Because the Universe either gives something, or it doesn’t.
And if it doesn’t give you a smooth running business, you cannot create it with your bare hands either
But the reason saving my business would never have “worked”, period, was because my underlying motive had nothing to do with business.
It had been a desire for control over my life, my emotions.
What was bothering me, way more than my business, was that I had fallen in love.
That’s what I was trying to “solve”. 
As soon as I realized I was in love, I saw what I had been doing. So that’s what I mean, when I said I knew this! I knew how it worked!
The habit of tying a rational, more solvable problem to anxiety and restlessness, had already put me offtrack and cost me months of my life.
Yet what I ve begun to understand now, is that my entire year of agony, may have been caused by me subconsciously picking up what has been going on behind my back, with my lover.
And not by all those five reasons I gave you earlier, not even the falling in love part.
All to avoid having to face that our relationship has changed.
It is more fragile than ever.
As if the stakes get higher every year and in 2018 I think I have been in way over my head. Sure, I could see the benefits of our affair being so exciting. But I underestimated the effort it took to stand my ground.
And it was starting to fuck with my head.
I was unsure what to do and decided to reread a love letter I sent him in December.
And it was all there.
Between the lines, you could read me saying:
“I ve already chosen you a long time ago. I ll always be here.”
I remembered I had cried writing it, but without knowing why I was crying. But now I knew: I was feeling everything he had not been telling me for an entire year. I was crying because the insecurity was finally taking its toll, and still I could not let go.
I could not choose myself over him. 
The next two days I started moving my furniture, rearranged my things, created my cat friendly jungle on the balcony. I created an entire new look, and feel to my house. And then the moment came, when I wanted to masturbate, and didn’t know what to masturbate on.
I had been thinking of him for years.
Would me knowing, finding out, change our relationship? Were we over?
And then it came to me.
The vision.
I saw how him and me had started. Who we were, when we were together. Such powerful people. We were not just the best versions of ourselves, we were magnetic. Both of us! We didn’t seem to live in a normal world. We were like rock stars or Gods.
And it was “her”, who had rearranged the house.
It was “her” who had awoken on that Wednesday morning.
It was “her” who had lost her confidence in 2018 because she had not known what was expected of her.
I saw us together, him and me. In the way we used to be, and in a way still are. It was the most powerful vision I have ever had in my life.
And the vision immediately became greater than any turmoil we’re going through right now, or even in years to come.
Maybe the day will come when the Universe will give me a new man. And maybe even two in the same week, just like with the cats.
Or a time will come, when I am no longer welcome, in my lover’s arms.
But something told me, that it was not this day.
Today, we’re here.
We ARE.
After losing a year over this, trying to get better and to heal my life, I now realize that it is not my responsibility, nor within my power, to change my life. All I can do is to keep the door open, so that the Universe can deliver.
And to keep my house nice, so that whomever comes in, will want to stay here.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices + free shipping Netherlands *
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

*  Nederland: tijdelijk geen verzendkosten en keuze uit het volledige oeuvre (10 boeken!) Gebruik code ONESHIP bij het uitchecken —

About this blog

Tattoo needed: If I feel crap, it’s ALWAYS about a man. Even when it’s not.
is Chapter 33 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

new books

With a help from the Universe (I hope!), I will now go all in on publishing my new books:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Do a Frodo

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

Hi Sara,

 In the words of Esther Perel’s relationship therapy podcast:
 Where do we begin?
 I assumed our last conversation was me having reached my lowest point.
 Because the renovation was over right? 
 What could possibly go wrong?
 Well, as it turns out, if you’ve been worn down by months of renovation, a post-yoga career burnout AND whipping your own ass into Discipline Gear?
 Surprisingly little is needed, in order for everything to go wrong.
 Since our last call, my productivity has been the lowest of the lowest.
 I thought I had strayed from the path, when I was writing every day instead of working on my books, in those weeks when I was working at my mother’s because my temporary housing didn’t have Wifi.
 Writing was the only thing I could do.
I didn’t have the concentration for “real” work, when my life was literally all over the place; In two different houses and an office at my mother’s.
 But those weeks turned out to be the productive highlight of 2019 because I m still nowhere when it comes to publishing my books. And I blame it all on having chosen the wrong path, based on the wrong assumptions.
 Because that whole idea about me being an extrovert (ENFP) in Meyers-Briggs?
Now my initial, pre-brainwash, response to that “E” in ENFP had been:
“Extrovert? Oh well, we ll just ignore that letter. Because that’s obviously not true.”
And I studied my type, focusing on the last three letters NFP.
But then the E just seemed to grow on me.
  Apparently, underneath the emotional facade of being an introvert, mentally unstable artist, there was a happy, employable extrovert. My inner Will Smith, and Jennifer Aniston were just dying to come out, and have a lighthearted laugh. 
 Suddenly I vividly remembered all the times I had been happy to shine in a group.
 Not realizing that it was just the occasional party; I didn’t take on any obligations for group performances.
 In retrospect I think it was because I wanted to be saved, Sara.
 I needed to hear that I was a normal extrovert and that I wouldn’t kill myself if I had to work in an office environment.
 As long as it was a fun workplace, I, an ENFP would thrive!
Meyers-Briggs said so, so it must be true.
 So that’s the shitty news: I m still clueless how to make a living, after my savings are gone.
 Maybe we can look into this? The INFP workplace things?
 So that was the big reveal:  This second test from a YouTuber tested me an INFP.
 Hardcore introvert!
 And that description was nothing like the profile of someone who reads Tony Robbins affirmations for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
It was like coming home.
 I was unstable, like Vincent van Gogh.
 Strange, like John Lennon.
 Forever searching, like Jim Morrison. 
 I was unpredictable, like Johnny Depp.
 And of course suicidal like Ian Curtis and Kurt Cobain.
 But most importantly; I was an introvert.
 I read a funny meme on the INFP Facebook page, and it said something like:
 Q: Who are we? 
 A: INFP’s!
 Q: What do we want?
 A: A better world!
 Q: How do we want it?
 A: Without social interaction!
 Oh yeah, that’s me.
 So the bad news is I need a better plan because I m not Will Smith after all.
 Nor an Elizabeth Gilbert, who’s also ENFP.
 But the good news is, my chances of becoming a successful writer have increased exponentially because Tolkien, JK Rowling, and Anais Nin are all in the INFP legion. As well as a certain W.Shakespeare. 
 Oh! And INFP’s make up like half of all YouTubers!
 Which may explain why I ve rebooted both my YouTube channels.
 I ve created a Coffee Talk and a yoga video from/for my new yoga book (which I ve also picked up writing) under my real name.
 And for my LS Harteveld channel, I ve created a 15 minute video on relationships between creatives and preservers.
 Still have to clear that one, because I m afraid I may have accidentally called the preservers, “preservatives” at one point!
lol
 Maybe I should post it either way.
 The final clue that me being The Employable Entrepreneur was not exactly coming natural, was the fact that my workweek schedule was getting me absolutely nowhere.
 Do you remember what the plan was?
 After winning Meyers Briggs’ gold star for employability, I thought: 
“Oh cool! Do you know what I m gonna do? I m going to work for 40 hours a week (you insisted to make it 30) and only do “real” work in those hours! No writing!! 
 I ll publish my books, do marketing, sales posts, and so on.
 Just REAL entrepreneurial stuff!”
 With writing banished to the weekends and evenings, I was going to behave as if I was working a job. 
 So if I wouldn’t make enough money from my books, I could transfer this “workweek” to an employer, without going crazy thinking how on earth I was going to stay sane without writing during work hours.
 This would boost my chances of having a good business, as well as feeling confident I could handle a real job.
 And it was a great idea.
 If it had not cost me two extra workweeks, waiting in vain for this whole thing to work.
 But reading on my new INFP type also brought me a solution:
 Instead of trying to be employable, just do a Frodo.
Frodo from Lord of the Rings, who s also an INFP. 

“This task was appointed to you. And if you do not find a way, no one will.”
Galadriel to Frodo in Lord of the Rings

 Seeing my goal of publishing my books like the quest to destroy the Ring – something that has to be done, no matter what- feels a lot more doable than thinking this is the time to get sensible with my working hours. 
 I mean, sure, there was extended renovation mayhem. 
 But I think the main characteristic of a work “schedule” is that it should work, no matter what you throw at it.
 If it only works if your life is perfect, then it’s not the most efficient way to work at any time. Good or bad. 
 So I ve let all rules go and just gone rogue.
 Publishing the books will go as it goes. 
 Including detours and unexpected shit in the beginning. I mean where WAS Gandalf in the Prancing Pony, right?
 Frodo and his friends were almost stabbed to death by ring wraiths in their wee little hobbit beds.
 Yet in the end none of that mattered, because the ring got cast in the fires of Mount Doom and Middle Earth was saved. No one remembered all the things that slowed them down in the first film.

enslaved hobbits in The Shire

 So I m no longer investing in building confidence that I can work normal workweeks, and have a Plan B if I can’t make a living as a writer. I m even using another scene from Lord of the Rings, to get myself going:
 At one point Frodo looks into the mirror of Galadriel and sees the Shire, his hometown. All the hobbits are enslaved by Sauron. Everything is black, burned and horrible. 
 Frodo looks up, and Galadriel speaks: 
 “I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my mind.
 It is what will come to pass, If you should fail.”
 Exactly.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

About this blog

Do a Frodo is Chapter 32 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

new books

With a little help from the Lord, I will now go all in on publishing my new books:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Maybe I should look in the mirror, instead of take a Meyers-Briggs

You must NOT wake up to find The One Ring, your purpose, your fate, your LIFE

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment
Frodo in The Lord of the Rings

A few days ago I finally, FINALLY, knew the answer to a question a coach I follow, Katrina Ruth, has proposed in
her free videos,
blog posts,
and in paid programs many, many times.
She asks you:
“If you had a megaphone, thousands of people were listening, and you had one minute, what would you tell them?
What is the ONE MESSAGE you would like to share with the world?”
I cast aside my fundamental doubt if I will ever be a messenger, or if I could pretend even for a minute I have just one message, and bravely connected with the more hopeful signs I had something to say.
Such as my annoyance with people walking around half-dead, while getting things done, and being successful;
My certainty that they were ultimately going the wrong way, and would hit a brick wall someday;
And my absolute rage that no one was warning them, not even giving a friendly nudge. They were left to their own devices possibly racing towards their burnout, existential crisis or whatever it is that you may crash upon if you go that fast without first making the conscious choice to do so;
Combining all those things, I knew what I would yell;
YOU MUST WAKE UP AND FIND YOUR PURPOSE
And this was not just for the workaholics, the very successful among us. It was also for everybody who thought life was holding them back because of no partner, no money, no job, illness and so on.
It was for anyone who thought things were complicated or stressful. Because life was actually very simple.
Either you had a purpose and knew what you were doing.
Or you didn’t.
So when I had finally found my message, after following Katrina Ruth for over two years, I was so delighted. And I knew this message (You must wake up and find your purpose) had been the reason why I myself had crashed into a brick wall after 15 years of teaching yoga.
Well, it wasn’t just due to not being on purpose, that I had dropped out of teaching yoga. It was also no longer offering a sustainable income, so other rewards of the work became more important. 
And teaching yoga classes started to feel superficial and more importantly; not helpful at all.
If you didn’t know your purpose, a tensed up body and stress were merely the outer expressions of that. And IF they could be relieved with yoga, then you still wouldn’t find your purpose because you would be getting way too comfortable.
I was starting to feel yoga was facilitating people to stay without purpose, by taking the sharpest edges off their suffering. We, yoga teachers, were the curling parents of self-help;
We were smoothing out the path before them.
So it wasn’t because I didn’t want to help people. On the contrary! I really wanted to help people, but I felt yoga was offering fake solutions which would ultimately keep you asleep your whole life if I did my work right.
So when I found my message as a writer –
You must wake up and find your purpose!
– I didn’t feel any doubt that it was the right message.
Not until I was studying and found something peculiar:
That “waking up” coming from me, is a call to first and foremost wake up in your inner world. 
Not in the real world!
This insight came after watching YouTube videos and reading about my new Myers-Briggs type. It was (unfortunately) my second round of studying.
The first, wrong round of studying had turned out to be a detour that had pulled me offtrack for months. The mistake had been based on taking this Meyers-Briggs personality test. It came up with the result that I was an ENFP, with E standing for extrovert.
Right off the bat, the E (extrovert) felt a bit fishy to me. And I didn’t recognize myself in any of the famous ENFP-ers. But I took the result seriously and I gave a positive spin on things! Because my newly found “E” actually meant that I would be able to work in the real world!
How cool is that?!
And without wanting to kill myself at the idea of being around people and work within an organization or a company. I was normal! Employable! Horay!
So after I took second Meyers-Briggs test from a YouTuber I like, Eric Thor, and he said INFP – “I” standing for Introvert- I was both shocked and relieved at the same time.
Shocked, that the test came back with a different result.
Especially after I spent so much type studying the ENFP type. But I considered it my own fault too, since I had failed to do a second test immediately.
I had taken a huge risk having so much faith ENFP was the right type, probably because they’re so optimistic and fun to be around with. Will Smith and the character of Ron Weasley from Harry Potter are both ENFP’s: 
They don’t make the impression they will ever get lost in overthinking things. Such an appealing thought, that under my tormented, artistic soul, there was this bright, almost Pooh-like personality, who was able to keep things simple.
So I did take responsibility for clinging onto the ENFP result.
All the wasted time studying the ENFP, and the shock after taking Eric Thor’s test, were my own fault.
But when I started from scratch, now reading about the INFP type, it was like coming home.
J.R.R. Tolkien was an INFP, and so were his Lord of the Rings characters Frodo, Gollem, Faramir and Arwen. All people with a rich inner world and values which were deeply internalized. None of these characters could be swayed by outer expectations, nor could they escape their inner sense of duty.

Luna Lovegood

J.K. Rowling is an INFP and so is her wonderful Harry Potter character Luna Lovegood! A strange girl, who can see things in the outside world no one can. And to whom her inner world is far more real than the outer.
But although Luna was wonderful, in general, INFP’s were not the people I looked up to, or aspired to be.
In fact I hated the Frodo story line.
I was the one suggesting the entire Lord of the Rings saga, was best watched skipping all the scenes that just consisted of Frodo and Sam.
Now I see why that was:
Because I would be that no-fun-to-be-around with dutiful sucker who would sacrifice himself going to Mordor to throw that ring into Mount Doom. I would even be the one person The Ring would not have power over because just like Frodo, I answered to my inner-code only.
I only cared about doing what I needed to do, not about worldly power.
On a side note: This blog is called 7-figure Rock Star Writer.
And I sometimes wonder if anyone really thinks that’s me being blind with ambition? Well, no. Obviously. My aim to becoming the first Dutch 7-Figure Rock Star Writer, is to direct my inner world towards something.
I do not believe something like that, can even be directly created in the outer, “real” world. It needs to be created inside.
That’s why I think I can do it, and that’s also why I set it up: As the basis for who I AM. Not as something that provided guidelines, 7 step plans, or strategies on what to do in the real world. I m not saying I m not doing anything. I obviously am.
But ultimately me BEING a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer in my inner world, will precede me being that in the outer.
At the end of The Lord of The Rings, Frodo writes everything in a book. He is a writer too. He was driven by his sense of duty, when he offered to be the one taking The Ring to Mordor.
But afterwards he processed it by writing it down.
And with that he behaved just like any INFP will. Just like I will write down my journey of becoming the first 7-Figure Rock Star writer, and just like I have previously written about my journey to becoming the ultimate mistress.
Anyway, I m drifting off badly.
Where was I?
Oh I know, the warm bath of finding all the other INFP’s.
And it were not people I had studied in depth or anything. For example: Johnny Depp is an INFP. I like him a lot, but I have been a fan of his way more sunny colleague Brad Pitt.
Broody and complicated Johnny Depp was too close to home.
Just like I didn’t like Frodo; because I knew I too, would dutifully go to Mordor and save mankind. All the while secretly wishing that I was not such as complex character, and that I was more like my lighthearted friend and travel companion Samwise Gamgee.
Who brought a box of salt, so that they would always have some nice seasoning with their food and to remind them of home.
Looking back, I can even see how my complicated INFP personality has influenced my love life.
How we ve clashed whenever the man was motivated by logic or money.
How we’ve made each other miserable when he was just as flaky and unstable as me.
And how I still immediately relax in the company of a man who believes food is the most important source of joy. Way more than sex. I think men who prioritize sex are scary. But a man who cooks simple, honest food – nothing from packages or jars – will immediately win my heart.
So studying my INFP type, I discovered many things.
And I intended to write this blog post about these discoveries. And how they were going to help me in this new phase of being a writer, publishing my own books. To see it as a quest!
Until this morning, when I suddenly realized:
“OMG! Now my slogan is ALL wrong!”
The significance of my inner world, made “You must wake up and find your purpose” sound way too, well, worldly. Because it could be interpreted, as me wanting to wake up people who are asleep in the way society thinks “asleep” means:
Unemployed, troubled, without goals, netflixing the day away.
Although much can be said about that, that is definitely NOT the type of asleep I am talking about! In fact, I think someone “wasting” his or her life as a couch potato is way better off than the people I am waking up.
I heard there was this pilot with baseline income in Iceland (or Finland?). Anyway, it was concluded it had been unsuccessful, because there were still a lot of people who didn’t undertake anything. They were not “making” anything of their lives. Now I m not saying that if these people are depressed, or unhappy, that they should not be helped.
They deserve to be helped, if they want to.
But I was in shock when I heard that people not doing anything, were a reason to not support baseline income. Because the real problem, in my opinion is;
The people who ARE doing something!
But they’re running around, ticking things of their lists; They’re productive, and they’re being successful in every way. But do you know what they would do if The Ring came by?
They’d say: “I m sorry! I m too BUSY!”
The Netflixers on the other hand, are way more likely rise above themselves and step out the door to take the damn thing to Mordor to destroy it.
So when I say:
YOU MUST WAKE UP AND FIND YOUR PURPOSE
I don’t mean, you should come of the couch, out of your own bubble, and start living your life.
On the contrary.
I mean:
Stop DOING all those things, you think you have to do. Stop figuring out, the things you think you need to figure out. And get on the couch, retreat to your bubble, visit your inner world.
And figure out why you are here on this earth.
What is the impossible task, no one else can do?
Because if you do not find a way, no one will.
But that message is not nearly as catchy as YOU MUST WAKE UP AND FIND YOUR PURPOSE
So maybe in the end I was right, and I m not cut out to do any megaphone exercises. Because my message would be to stop listening to what other people shout through megaphones, or YELL IN CAPITALS. To stop listening to any advice anyone has ever given you.
Including me.
And to start listening within.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

About this blog

You must NOT wake up to find The One Ring, your purpose, your fate, your LIFE is Chapter 31 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

new books

With a little help from the Lord, I will now go all in on publishing my new books:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

 

This is between God and me

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

For 15 years I was a yoga teacher, and if I set aside all the insights of the past couple of months, on why yoga was possibly one of the most harmful career paths for me personally?
I see the strongest reason was the one I came up with the first:
Because if I have a place in this world, if I have a connection to others (if!);
Then it is to wake people up.
Not to calm anyone down or put them to sleep.
I already had this insight when I was still teaching yoga but since I got paid to teach yoga, I never bothered my students with my urge to shake them up. I felt they deserved a yoga lesson. Not a sermon.
But having said that, I did interpret my job as superficial and considered at least part of my pay to be hush money.
I never had that with private classes – it was only teaching groups where I felt I could only scratch the surface and possibly not even that.
But after taking a personality test which is called Meyers-Briggs, I started to get a slightly different take on things:
The test revealed I was an ENFP: the E stands for Extrovert.
Initially I was appalled. Me? And extrovert? Then why do I hate groups?
But then this identity started seeping into the way I viewed myself. That the hush money (in the groups) was paid to shut up my flamboyant personality.
The problem had not been the superficiality of yoga, but me being an extrovert.
And in yoga (at least in the Netherlands) extroversion was shamed upon.
It would have been fine if I had been teaching tango.
So basically, after the extrovert diagnosis, I concluded I (as an extrovert) had simply been in the wrong line of work.
And this opened up tons of possibilities!
Suddenly I saw being an extrovert as a sign I would be able to have a normal job, without wanting to kill myself. Which could come in handy if my writing business didn’t take off!
I did skillfully ignore the knot in my stomach when thinking about being available, present, or even near other people for an entire workday.
It sounded so terribly exhausting.
But hey! Meyers-Briggs said I was an extrovert so it was all a matter of just giving myself permission to be my own radiant self, right?!
But yesterday I took another Meyers-Briggs test but now designed by YouTuber Eric Thor, and this one said something else: I am not an ENFP at all.
I am an INFP.
An introvert, instead of extrovert.
Exactly the way I had been seeing myself for years.
When I received the first ENFP result, a few months back, I initially ignored the E. I thought the extrovert part of their typing couldn’t be right because I obviously hated groups, and was happiest being left alone.
It wasn’t until I started studying the character of the ENFP in depth, that I could see how me hating groups had so much to do with the feeling I was under 24/7 hush money.
Symbolically, because aside from yoga no one paid me.
But I felt like my whole adult life, I had been under bribe of being accepted socially, as long as I kept my opinions to myself. No wonder I “missed” I was an extrovert. I simply didn’t know how to hold myself in public.
Fully identifying as an extrovert, I made it my job to refind my mojo, and start rocking my extroversion. I made plans that involved speaking in public, and getting jobs in the real word to finance my art.
But guess what? Secretly I hated it.
No matter how many times I was told I (as an ENFP) would be so great working in such and such environment, I still saw it as ultimately fatal.
Yes, if my surroundings were ideal, I would last longer. Probably eighteen months tops.
Yet still I didn’t doubt the E/extrovert result of the test, but I should have. Because seeing yourself doing an ideal ENFP job for eighteen months tops?
That sounds like mistyping.
Because here’s the truth:
For me, every interaction with the real world – but especially the ones prior to spending a full workday behind my desk – on an emotional level these interactions start like this:
“THIS BETTER BE FUCKING WORTH IT BECAUSE I COULD BE BEHIND MY DESK BY MYSELF RIGHT NOW! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!”
That doesn’t really sound like an extrovert, happy to see someone else, now does it?
Don’t get me wrong, I m pretty well behaved. At least considering the powerful emotions beneath the surface. So everybody who comes into contact with me for surface based stuff, will know me as a cooperative, loving empath.
And I am.
But only because I consider it a matter of pride to make social interactions as pleasant as possible. But it comes at this huge cost of wasting valuable resources such as any waking minute of my life.
Taking the first Meyers-Briggs test, which diagnosed me an extrovert, may have sparked my enthusiasm to go out there into the world. But the reason I jumped on being an extrovert was because it would solve my need for a steady source of income.
I can see that now.
I was desperate to be saved.
I wanted to hear I d be okay in case I don’t make it as an entrepreneur only selling books, and only doing my PR blogging, and YouTube.
(I will be picking YouTube up!)
If I fail to make money from that, I will have to become successful as a public speaker, and if that doesn’t work I will have to take a normal job.
Both things where being an extrovert would come in handy!
Being an ENFP seemed to come with its own build-in Plan B, and an ENFP would always land on their feet.
What a comforting thought.
And it all held up until Eric Thor’s test came along and I tested an introvert. The mist disappeared, everything became clear and a huge WHAT WAS I THINKING? emerged in the bright blue sky.
My extrovert-not-extrovert-at-all public persona would have had a life expectancy of eighteen months tops before she blew herself up.
A few days ago, a friend asked me a really good question:
Wasn’t I secretly using the whole money making part, to not show up as a leader and a messenger?
But after taking Eric Thor’s test I knew:
No.
I really am, honest to God, NOT a leader nor a messenger. Because this title implies that my job, my validation, lies in the outside world.
When I am all about the inner world.
I only exist, in the inner world.
My Alice in Wonderland is not inside of myself; It is when I open the front door and go out into the real world. That’s when I meet the strange, the cruel, the riddles and the unfairness of it all.
But there’s also a strong sense that it is not my world.
I don’t belong there. I m Alice (as in “LS”Harteveld!), I need to get back.
So after all these strong emotions and thoughts, and yesterday (another Monday) totally wasted on writing stuff I didn’t publish and on not working on my books; Wasted waiting for people or things, and getting worked up about the final parts of renovation mayhem;
And yet the sense I had to start making money from my art, from behind my desk, more than anything! Because if I didn’t do that, I wouldn’t be able to AFFORD to keep writing.
All those thoughts on a Monday shot to pieces by lack of planning, lack of focus.
Yet none of those thoughts was:
I need to help people.
None of the thoughts (and there were many!) was:
I want to lead, connect, create a community.
NO.
I thought, I KNEW, the outside world doesn’t have anything to do with it. My battles are internal ones. I need to find a way to publish those books. I need to find a way to keep writing, even when I m not making any money.
I need to find a way to run a business, even though my loyalty lies with myself and with what’s above.
But this life, this fight, this despair; It is between God and me.
This is not about how much money I make, or how old I will get. It is not about how many books I sell, or how few. It’s not about if I m an extrovert or an introvert.
This really is between God and me.
And if God put me on this earth with the talent to go within and then write for hours on end, then it is my job to go within and to write for hours on end.
And if I was put on this earth to publish those four new books, then those will be published in the upcoming months.
But Jesus wasn’t saved, Vincent van Gogh wasn’t saved. Not in the sense that their lives got better as a reward for holding the course, or that they received validation or money for their work.
But they did what they came here to do.
And maybe that really is the only salvation there is.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

About this blog

This is between God and me is Chapter 30 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

new books

With a little help from the Lord, I will now go all in on publishing my new books:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

 

TGIF

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

You know those movies where the picture just starts to slow down… and melt?
Then catch fire?
Well, that’s Berlin.
from the movie Atomic Blonde

According to my coach Sara, I actually had a life, before the renovation started.
I wrote every morning – which is opposite to my current plan to prioritize biz building activities during the day.
But I knew what I wanted, and was serious about my career as a writer.
I just stared at her through our Zoom connection.
“Really? I did that?” 
It seems so long ago I did anything that remotely resembled work, instead of like days on end completely wasted, waiting for the walls next to the new windows to be fixed before I put the furniture back.
The kitchen floor to be put in, before I put my laundry machine and stove back.
Just generally waiting for things that on paper should have been done already, like the locks being replaced. I should have had my peace and quiet back days ago.
But I didn’t.
I don’t remember having done anything remotely productive for over a week.
Except creating plans which all went down the drain for one reason or the other. Sara says that it’s just as important to know what you don’t want, and that I ve made progress because I know all the stuff that doesn’t work, will never work, and most importantly: That comes with new shit sandwiches.
I ll get back to those, don’t worry.
Either way, after getting rid of all shitty plans and strategies, I decided on committing to this highly advanced, multi-layered sales and marketing system.
It’s a little bit too fancy, but I m taking my chances here..
The system that will turn me into the first Dutch 7-figure Rock Star Writer is this:
1. make books
2. sell them.
Repeat.
Which is to say, nothing fancy at all, but the only thing I ever wanted to do in the first place. I m no longer going to do everything I believed I HAD TO do to become a successful entrepreneur and to evade a bleak future of being on a payroll.
At risk of this post becoming boooring for non-entrepreneurs, a little on why I chose this unlikely strategy.
It is suggested, taught, and told as something Thou Cannot Skip, that every business should have multiple income streams.
So in my case that could be:
– writing for magazines and websites
– creating books and selling them
– public speaking
– teaching private yoga
– coaching
I ve always thought it made sense to use all my talents to make my business a success. But now I see two really BIG reasons why the multiple income stream theory is basically nothing more than an urban legend.
A myth we entrepreneurial people bought into, because it seemed more logical than accepting the truth that in reality, we may have no control over our income stream.
Or that maybe, if there is a sense of logic behind it, that it’s all mindset.
That your ability to receive, also known as making money or revenues, has got nothing to do with what you offer, and has everything to do with how comfortable you are with people paying you.
We actually didn’t discuss this money mindset in our coaching call, but that’s what I believe is true.
If I can’t receive money in one line of work, I won’t be able to offering another service either.
But aside from that, two reasons why having multiple income streams is certified bullshit. And in particular for creative entrepreneurs.
Offering multiple things will turn you into a plate spinning entrepreneur. You may enjoy keeping all the plates up in the air, but if you re a creator, fragmentation takes away the power of what you’re offering. You’re not fully connected to that one thing.
Instead you’re spreading yourself thin.
And the second reason multiple income streams are not a good idea, and this goes for ALL entrepreneurs (not just creatives) is:
Every service or product comes with its own shit sandwich.
A shit sandwich is a term coined by Elizabeth Gilbert (at least that’s how I know of it) that you’re going to have to deal with the mundane, the annoying, the things that are a lot of work.
Things like admin, customer service, answering email, getting your terms and conditions on paper and getting legal insurance.
That’s why, in my opinion, you should never sell at a low price point, because the shit sandwich is exactly the same!
Whether I sold my yoga per class, or in a package of a few hundred euros: the work I had to do to sign up the student, was the same.
So although 4 income streams may look appealing, it also means having to eat 4 shit sandwiches.
I got this insight only this week.
Because every time I was toying with the thought of using my yoga space – which I kept hiring as a business address, because I don’t want to give the Chamber of Commerce my living address – every time I wanted to go use that beautiful and fully equipped yoga space to teach privates, A SHIT SANDWICH SHOWED UP.
Something that was directly linked to the studio, that gave me just such a sinking feeling.
And after this week’s new shit sandwich, it suddenly dawned on me:
I may be drawn to the romantic idea of teaching one-on-one yoga; But NO WAY I m committed to the point I m willing to eat shit sandwiches over this!
And then I realized I m actually not willing to eat shit sandwiches for any other income revenue.
The deal is make books and sell them. Repeat.
And I have no idea where I am in this story, but I can remember starting something that had a point 1 and a point 2, and only making point one.
Because the second reason I m not going to spread myself thin offering different things (f.e. books AND services) is because I simply can’t.
If I learned anything the past couple of weeks and especially the last days, when the renovation wasn’t done when they had repeatedly promised it would be done, I have cried, gotten angry, and now I m just completely numbed down.
I m like:
“You have the key, whatever.”
I m like an overworked hooker: I don’t even respond anymore when someone comes in. I think they need to finish it some day, and then I ll sign. But if they just leave the stack of tiles on my balcony, and the ceiling unpainted and so on?
Whatever.
Not going to sign anything, but otherwise: WHATEVER.
Really.
It’s your renovation, not mine. And I’ve got my toilet and my bathroom and next week someone is coming over who can help me to put the stove back on the gas.
I don’t need anything from the housing corporation or contractor. New keys would be nice, but like I said, whatever.
Anyway, what all those weeks and the last couple of days taught me, as well as all the shit sandwiches getting served; What all the crying and the emotional roller coasters taught me;
I m just not up for all this SHIT.
Even if having multiple income streams would be the only way to make this work, there’s just no way I m going to pull that off, energy-wise.
Maybe it’s the burnout from last year, combined with the renovation and all the stress about quitting my yoga studio and not knowing where the money will come, but I simply cannot AFFORD to spread myself thin offering multiple things.
My mental capacity is limited.
Even writing this blog post, I get distracted all the time. Losing my story and my reasoning. My cognitive skills are mediocre, and I don’t know if that’s permanent or temporary.
Just that when I considered getting therapy, I decided NO. NEVER.
Either this is going to work.
And I m going to get an income out of working my own business, being the scatterbrain that I am.
Or I m not.
But I m not going to wait or invest to get “better”. Because if I don’t get better then I ll have even more time wasted!
No more.
Not after all these weeks of renovation stress.
And now I ve really lost my story.
I m not even going to try read back and make sense!
But one last point I wanted to make, was that I realized that the threat of having to get a normal job, was immobilizing me.
And could for life.
Even if I started making money selling books in 2019, or 2020; For the rest of my life I could still be worrying about what I was going to do if it stopped and I had to go work for a boss?
With the possibility of getting suicidal, because I had no idea how to soothe my brain, now that I couldn’t write anymore for 4 to 7 hours a day.
That’s why I have made an important decision:
Every workday I m going to work ONLY on the biz side of things.
So that I can start building my confidence that I can work normal hours (not writing whatever the fuck I want) and LIVE.
That I ll squeeze the writing in at night time, or on weekends, and still not get mad.
If I can do that, not only am I maximizing my chances of making money from my writing – since I m making a day job out of monetizing it! – but it will also give me the confidence that I can have a workweek similar to what I would have if I worked a normal job.
And don’t need to write 3 to 7 hours a day to stay sane.
My goal is to work normal, entrepreneurial workweeks. No writing, just working exclusively on my biz for 30 hours a week.
And with the same foggy, stressed-out brain that wrote this post, if I have to.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

About this blog

TGIF is Chapter 28 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

new books

I m currently working on publishing my latest books:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

A night as valuable as all others

Published on by LS HarteveldLeave a comment

In December I decided I would evacuate my house, during the current three week period of indoor renovation.
I was going to get a whole house all to myself. That was Plan A.
The problem with this, aside from the costs, was that all holiday cabins were located outside of the city, and I don’t have a car.
Plan B was to get a hotel, downtown.
Where I would feel uplifted by the inner-city buzz and could easily meet with friends. But the downside was that a hotel didn’t offer my own facilities to cook or do laundry.
Plan C would have been to live with my mother, if it wasn’t for the fact that I had discarded that one.
I had just started my new career as a writer, publisher, speaker. And under a new name, LS Harteveld. Living with my mother was simply not an option for two reasons.
The first was that staying over with someone is too close to becoming homeless. As a beginning entrepreneur, I did’t want to think about how much or how little it would take to end up that way. Sleeping over at friends or my mother felt like I had one foot in being homeless.
The second reason sleeping with my mother was not a good idea, was because I needed to get into this role, this new identity of LS Harteveld.
My mother is one of the people who will never see me as LS Harteveld, and that is cool. But I can’t build up LSH and at the same time be confronted with my old, broken identity.
With the woman who is completely drained after being a yoga teacher for 15 years, and who doesn’t want to work another day in her life.
Also sexually, sleeping over at my mother’s would be a disaster.
Although I was of course also sexual under my old name, having my own space, my own identity, my own energy when I go to bed and may or may not masturbate, are all key to my sense of self.
Going to bed every night feeling like a child would be killing for any career.
But for someone who has decided that she wants to feel sexual and fuckable 24/7, it is particularly demotivating.
I ve long considered it strange that on one hand I decided I would internalize my sexuality – and I did. If my lover Mr.Big would stop seeing me, it would not influence how I see myself, nor spark the serial dater in me.
And on the other hand I go through lengths to always have my own space, and to only BE in places that uplift me.
That hold some kind of sexual or inspirational energy.
At first glance it didn’t make sense
Until I realized that OF COURSE it made sense!
The reason I have been able to internalize my sexuality, and become independent of Mr.Big or other men I might fall in love with and would be open to dating, is because I am so terribly picky about where and with whom I  spend my time.
My surroundings mirror a successful, sexual, independent woman.
That is why I can keep that vision alive of being LS Harteveld.
If I would live for three weeks without a sewer, a bathroom, heating, or kitchen, and camp in my living room with an electric heater, an electric cooker and a chemical toilet;
I would betray her.
LS Harteveld would never settle for that. It would be impossible to develop myself and crush my new career under those circumstances.
So, that had been my decision making process weeks ago.
And in the end the Universe helped me to get it all done without spending any money. Thanks to two medical diagnosis, I was given the keys a temporary home.
It was all last minute, and this home too, had some renovations planned, during that period. But that wasn’t the worst.
I also had a cut internet cable, which was discovered under the pavement after four days of not having Wifi and countless calls to the provider.
I had a malfunctioning central heating, which combined with radiators being taken down temporarily for the renovations, led to ten days of dysfunctional heaters.
When all those things were finally fixed my happiness was immediately restored.
It was a relief to notice just how much energy and frustration had been directly linked to having workers and mechanics and malfunctioning everything.
But now it was all up, and for the remainder of my time I could live in my new apartment and sleep in a wonderful bed.
I even fantasized what it would be like, if my lover would come over, and play out my new consent fantasy.
It was a video from Twitter (I ve written about this before, but in case you missed that) with a petite brunette being fucked by a buff tattooed guy.
The lighting was poor, it was dark, and it was as if she was raped in her own bed.
Now I ll say it again: I didn’t for one minute believe this was real. It was just nice non-consensual-play porn.
Which made me terribly hot.
And being in this bed I didn’t know, in a house that was foreign to me, was the perfect spot for me to play this out.
I was hoping my lover would be able to make it, before I would go back to my own apartment.
And now that everything was up and running, I could make that happen.
Or so I thought.
Because you know what happened yesterday?
At 7.30 AM there was an asbestos renovation of the toilet, which the building cooperation had forgot to mention. But worse than that:
When I got back at 10 PM, totally wasted after a super-long day behind my desk, trying to get my work done, the toilet was not properly installed. It flooded straight into holes leading to the apartment downstairs.
Good thing I peed only a tiny little bit!
Anyway, I spent an hour making phone calls to the building cooperation, and talking to the downstairs neighbor on what to do, now that his apartment was flooding for the second time that day.
And around midnight I arrived back at my mother’s, who had made me a bed, for which I was so grateful.
I m now going home to see if they have everything installed again.
And if they haven’t I m taking a hotel.
I already know which one; I ve been curious about it for a long time!
Because I’m not spending another night at my mother’s.
I once read this story about two sisters who went on a holiday, and checked into a hotel that was far more basic, than they had anticipated.
One sister didn’t make a fuss about it.
But the other one insisted they’d find a better hotel.
Because this night was just as important as all others.
And it is.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

About this blog

A night as valuable as all others is Chapter 27 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

Follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

new books

I m currently working on publishing my latest books:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.