Tattoo needed: If I feel crap, it’s ALWAYS about a man. Even when it’s not.

Tuesday night, February 26

The good news is: I m healed.
The even better news is: It evolved into a full-blown life transformation.
What started last Wednesday, waking up light as a feather, got better every day.
I m at the point where it wouldn’t surprise me if I was offered the job of my dreams tomorrow.
And the man of my dreams the day after that.
Although my shifts have been internal ones, of course! My manifestations in the real world have been limited (?!) to two cats.
Both offered to me within a week, after making this internal shift.
By the time the second one was offered, I had already said “Yes” to taking care of the first one; A sleepover cat who will stay with me until a friend has her own place again.
So I could not offer anything to the second cat.
But cats, just like jobs, just like men, come and go. I believe that all we need to do is open ourselves up, so the Universe can offer them.
That’s all there is to it.
So when I got offered the second cat, I knew it wasn’t my job to try to squeeze two cats foreign to each other, in my house and make that work.
Universe will sort it out.
I wouldn’t be surprised if one way or the other, I will be taking care of both, in the end. One temporarily, and adopt the other one after that. Who knows.
Universe does!
We humans make our lives way too difficult, thinking WE are the ones changing the course of things. WE are the ones “hunting” for success, a partner, or financial stability so that we can have cats.
When in reality, all you ever need to do, is commit to the desire.
If it’s meant to happen, Universe will find the best, most magical way to fulfill it. And if it doesn’t, if what you desire is NOT there?
The worst thing you could do, is to pull, hustle, manipulate and insist that you should have it.

Even if you’d pull that off, the thing would fall apart, walk away, or vanish into thin air, the moment you turned your back on it.
Because life is supported by forces we can’t understand.
To try to build a life going against it, is madness. 
So in my book, it was no coincidence that the cat was offered to me, within days after my renovation was finally over, and within 48 hours after I woke up healed.
I simply wasn’t ready to receive before.
With my sleepover cat coming, and still feeling a bit off in my house after returning from my temporary address and putting all my things back in their rightful place, I suddenly felt a spurt of energy, and rearranged my entire house.
Nearly every piece of furniture was moved and reallocated.
And although it is not uncommon for me to do this – I do it about once a year – it is the first time my house feels entirely different.
It is as if I ve moved house.
You can feel the change in my study, my bedroom, my living, my hallway, the wardrobe, and I ve bought two dozen plants for the balcony, so that the stay-over cat will feel at home.
He’s used to having a garden.
The toilet and my kitchen have been renovated, but the remarkable thing is that the energetic shift is much bigger in the rooms that didn’t have any work done, except new window frames.
So my three main reasons for moving around all my furniture were that the renovation is finally done, I was feeling light and energetic, and I had a cat coming Thursday.
All good reasons to spruce up my nest.
But the real inspiration didn’t come until there was a major reveal in my life!
Now to refresh your memory, or maybe this is the first time you are reading my work, so then this is new information:
I m someone’s secret mistress.
And last summer I fell in love with someone else, and he’s married too.
So obviously I can’t share exactly what’s going on.
But I ll say that the reveal had to do with my real lover. In hindsight the reveal explains so much about what went wrong.
I knew all along. I felt it.
Yet I have a self-deluding habit to analyse my feelings until I can explain them rationally.
Especially if they’re uncomfortable feelings, I won’t rest until I have a logical explanation. 

The best example of this is that I immediately tie my feelings of anxiety to the risk of people finding out about our affair, and then taking it out on me by killing me.
I ve had anxiety over that, or at least rationalizing that the anxiety was because of that, at least once a month. Starting early summer last year.
Now, I wasn’t stupid.
Part of me knew there were deeper underlying causes, and as 2018 progressed, I started seeing them.

These were the five underlying causes for my anxiety:
1. My cat Max died in January 2018
Max was the love of my life, my little fur baby, and it was, or even is, fair to say that I haven’t been stable since.
2. The renovation by the housing corporation
I have definitely been stressed out by this, during the scheduled run time from October until now.
But it all started early last year with their “pre-work”, I think is the best way to describe it; Unplanned or poorly communicated projects that had to do with the entire building and involved men in front of your windows when you didn’t expect them.

Which led to a horrific exposure, I don’t want to talk about. But which I ve half-consciously blamed for being the cause of all my misery in 2018.
And in particular the frequent anxiety attacks.
The only reason I refused to think it through, properly, how much this had contributed, was because I wanted to forget the whole incident and not think about it at all.

3. my yoga career and finances were falling apart
After Max died, I didn’t allow myself new cats because of the upcoming reno and my insecure financial situation.
In reality, my business had been starting to show tears as early as 2013, and my joy for the profession had been waning. But it wasn’t until Max had died that I was ready to face the consequences:
Either I had to reinvent what I was doing, or I had to end my yoga career.
I chose the first, failed, did the first again by focusing only on private classes, and failed again. On October 15, ten months after Max died, I unregistered from the Chamber of Commerce, marking the end of a 15 year long career.
Now naturally, witnessing the downfall of your livelihood, was a valid reason to be anxious, and burned out.  
4. I fell in love with someone else
This was something that went unnoticed for long. Yet, how did I manage to miss it, right? 
Was I really so caught up in grieving over Max and trying to save my yoga studio, that I failed to notice the most significant event in matters of the heart, ever since my affair with my secret lover Mr.Big started?
But once I saw what had been going on, I did blame falling in love for causing anxiety. And in particular the months where it had gone by unnoticed and derailed my life from my subconscious.
5. Getting offered a job and getting suicidal thoughts

This was my wake-up moment of how bad I was actually doing. Up until this point I had been able to rationalize it.
Cat died and business in turmoil.
So yeah, sure it sucked.
But becoming suicidal was way beyond “sucked”. That was serious. 
Especially if it happens after you’re offered a super flexible, high-paying, part-time job which would ease all of your money and career worries, and yet all you can think is:
“Okay, now I want to kill myself.”
That’s when I started taking my mental health more seriously. I realized I was suffering from stress, and close to burnout. It had been causing manic, I would almost say “psychotic” nights, more than I can count.
The stress had also been taking its toll on my heart, this has been going on since 2017. And by now it was affecting my will to live. 

I marked the moment I had suicidal thoughts as my lowest point.
From that moment, until last Wednesday, when I woke up light, as if the weight of the world had been lifted off me?
Seven months.
And if I include the exposure incident and Max dying, then it’s been 13 months, from having him die in my arms, to waking up healed.

I instantly knew I would never get suicidal again. Not even if I was offered a job 😉
And it got better every day!

Two friends both asked if I was interested in taking care of a cat, and I reconnected with my deep desire to work from home:
Even though money could, and maybe temporarily would, be earned in the real world; I would never call my life a success as long as I had to go out the door to earn a living.
I wanted to work from home so I could be with my cats. 

I decided to never give up on that dream, and to remain aware that’s what I really wanted. 
But rearranging my entire house, was not just connected to being healed, the renovation being over, and the cat coming Thursday;
It was something else.
The big reveal, with regard to my lover!
And it was this big reveal, that in retrospect, has been the cause of all the struggles in 2018. That’s my new hypothesis.
I got the information about the big reveal by chance. And it was something that had been going on in my lover’s life, and that he has been keeping from me.
Although it has been influencing our time together.
The last time we had exciting sex was 2017. I think…
Because all 2018? It was strange… Every time we were together it was as if we both felt new to each other, and uncertain of what to make of it.
Normally, that is my role.

I always feel vulnerable and unsure of myself, whenever I m with him.
Maybe it’s insecurity that simply comes from being a secret mistress.
You can’t boost your ego, or take solace in being the chosen one. Because by definition, you are not the chosen one. You re the extra. And with that, you’re expendable. 
Being a secret mistress is the most humble position you can put yourself in. But it‘s almost like a mindgame of mental masochistic behavior.
It makes me feel alive to go “there” where no other woman, or man, dares to go:
Total freedom.
The knowledge that he will only see me if he really wants to, and that he has no social, financial, or convenient reason to do so. That’s an incredible boost of ego!
It’s pleasure after the pain. 
But in 2018, it was as if he too, felt unsure.
He didn’t discuss this with me, that’s not his thing, thank God for that. But I could feel that he wouldn’t be as intimate, not melting together, gazing into each other’s eyes. 

And he didn’t seem to offer the solid foundation nessecary for more daring forms of sex, such as play rape, consent games, pain, anal sex.
For a whole year, we colored within the lines.
And yet where did I look for an explanation for my growing anxiety? And feeling life slip between my fingers?
At my cat dying.
At being exposed during renovations.
At falling in love with another man.
At my financial decline.
And ultimately at my business going down.
In short I looked everywhere except in the one place I should have been looking; At my lover.
ALL that time and energy sorting through my shit? What a waste! 
When will I learn that the only reason something is wrong, is because of matters of the heart?
I knew this!
I had experienced it first hand when I had fallen in love with the second man but I wasn’t aware of it. During those months, I invested more in marketing and in reorganizing my business, than I ever had in my life.

It should have worked by every entrepreneurial rule known to Men, except of course it didn’t.
Because the Universe either gives something, or it doesn’t.
And if it doesn’t give you a smooth running business, you cannot create it with your bare hands either

But the reason saving my business would never have “worked”, period, was because my underlying motive had nothing to do with business.
It had been a desire for control over my life, my emotions.
What was bothering me, way more than my business, was that I had fallen in love.
That’s what I was trying to “solve”. 

As soon as I realized I was in love, I saw what I had been doing. So that’s what I mean, when I said I knew this! I knew how it worked!
The habit of tying a rational, more solvable problem to anxiety and restlessness, had already put me offtrack and cost me months of my life.
Yet what I ve begun to understand now, is that my entire year of agony, may have been caused by me subconsciously picking up what has been going on behind my back, with my lover.
And not by all those five reasons I gave you earlier, not even the falling in love part.
All to avoid having to face that o
ur relationship has changed.
It is more fragile than ever.
As if the stakes get higher every year and in 2018 I think I have been in way over my head. Sure, I could see the benefits of our affair being so exciting. But I underestimated the effort it took to stand my ground.
And it was starting to fuck with my head.
I was unsure what to do and decided to reread a love letter I sent him in December.

And it was all there.
Between the lines, you could read me saying:
I ve already chosen you a long time ago. I ll always be here.”
I remembered I had cried writing it, but without knowing why I was crying. But now I knew: I was feeling everything he had not been telling me for an entire year. I was crying because the insecurity was finally taking its toll, and still I could not let go.
I could not choose myself over him. 
The next two days I started moving my furniture, rearranged my things, created my cat friendly jungle on the balcony. I created an entire new look, and feel to my house. And then the moment came, when I wanted to masturbate, and didn’t know what to masturbate on.
I had been thinking of him for years.
Would me knowing, finding out, change our relationship? Were we over?
And then it came to me.
The vision.
I saw how him and me had started. Who we were, when we were together. Such powerful people. We were not just the best versions of ourselves, we were magnetic. Both of us! We didn’t seem to live in a normal world. We were like rock stars or Gods.
And it was “her”, who had rearranged the house.
It was “her” who had awoken on that Wednesday morning.
It was “her” who had lost her confidence in 2018 because she had not known what was expected of her.
I saw us together, him and me. In the way we used to be, and in a way still are. It was the most powerful vision I have ever had in my life.
And the vision immediately became greater than any turmoil we’re going through right now, or even in years to come.

Maybe the day will come when the Universe will give me a new man. And maybe even two in the same week, just like with the cats.
Or a time will come, when I am no longer welcome, in my lover’s arms.
But something told me, that it was not this day.
Today, we’re here.
After losing a year over this, trying to get better and to heal my life, I now realize that it is not my responsibility, nor within my power, to change my life. All I can do is to keep the door open, so that the Universe can deliver.
And to keep my house nice, so that whomever comes in, will want to stay here.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

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Tattoo needed: If I feel crap, it’s ALWAYS about a man. Even when it’s not.
is Chapter 33 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

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With a help from the Universe (I hope!), I will now go all in on publishing my new books:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
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