Keep calm and carry on

Hi Sara,

My assignment for these weeks was that I wouldn’t plan anything. I wouldn’t make myself publish my books, or do yoga, or commit to a certain number of work hours. And you concluded our call saying:
“So this could mean, that every day might look entirely different!”
Which was both a thrilling perspective, as well as a daunting one since it implied I would let go, and just let life unfold.
I’m afraid I have been really bad at using these weeks to explore this side of me, although I ve been reasonably good at not being productive. 

I got a sleepover cat, K, and his coming and presence simply prohibited me from doing anything, and I have a ten day void in my hour registration.
Which means I did all sorts of things, except being behind my desk.
I spent redoing my entire house and balcony for days on end, in order to get the house ready for K.
But also to get a new beginning, after I had a major reveal, and decided I needed a fresh start.
But let me start at the beginning.

The morning after our last call I was healed.
I knew a 100% sure that I would not go back to being suicidal over having to take a job. And the day after that, I realized:
“Yes. I can take a job without wanting to kill myself, but working from home with cats, will always be my dream life.”
Within hours after thinking that, a friend contacted me if I could take care of K. So immediately after making cats my priority, I got this amazing request!
Until K was actually here, and I experienced what he did to me, I assumed there was still the option of working a daytime job, with a couple of young healthy cats at home, who didn’t need my constant attention.
ut K has taught me, that isn’t how I roll.
I m a real curling parent, when it comes to having cats.
Going to a job would feel like trying to function, while leaving your heart at home. 
So, since the last time we talked, I realized that although I m ready to go to work, and thinking about going for a year contract starting July 1st;
I am also more motivated than ever to keep the ball rolling with regard to my books and/or investigate if there are jobs I can do from home.
But after tying my cats to a steady income, earned from home no less, it was simply impossible not to commit to daily tasks and activities.
Just seeing how life unfolded seemed a waste.
And I have been moderately successful at tweaking how this works for me!
First of all, the key for me, seems to be to sleep in.
The moment I plan a time to rise, I can feel my heart contracting. That has happened twice in the past two weeks so there is no way, I can structure my day around a convenient, efficient time to get out of bed.
But I can do it around things that come naturally to me.
Here is my current planning:
-When I wake up, I scroll Facebook and Twitter and share memes and cat posts and other lighthearted things, to accounts that belong to my old yoga community. I usually get a lot of interaction/ response and it’s a low key and fun way to start the day.
-Then I do some inspired online reading and journaling. 
After an hour or so, I get out of bed, breakfast, watch dvd.
K and me are currently watching Basic Instinct 2! I bought a new copy after apparently losing the first one. Which I still find weird.
How do you lose a dvd, if you live alone? And in particular Basic Instinct 2, which no one will want to watch?

After our telly session I shower, get “properly” dressed (mind you, we are talking like 10AM or something by now!) and get behind my computer.
-I do my personal finance for 30 minutes. 
This is the habit I started right before our last call, and it was the only thing I could think of which could explain for my overnight healing. Not counting 7 months of painstaking self-reflection.
-Then I move on to my books.
I m currently retrieving old newsletters and turning the good ones into blog posts, both Dutch and English.
It’s a lot of work, and I didn’t have a full workday for as long as I can remember.
So many social appointments, and as I said redoing the entire house also took days out of my schedule. 
But nevertheless, this weekend I really saw that the Most Important Thing, was to do something on publishing my books. Every day. That the task of bringing all this material together in four books is so complicated, that it needs daily attention.
-And I close with sales
This is really simple, because I just tie it into the (re)post of my blog posts.
Which brings me to the two tasks which I ve been meaning to do, yet had zero results with.
1. Doing yoga, and 2. creating yoga schedules for the book under my real name.
It’s on my list every day, but I don’t do any of it.
For a day or two, I considered going back to making yoga videos (as I intended) but then I dropped that as well.
The daylight needed for video makes that a DAY job, and I really don’t want to waste precious working hours doing yoga, nor, from a business perspective, invest them in creating yoga videos to build an audience to which I will then sell the book :0 
So I think I ve finally let the yoga video idea go.
My yoga LEGACY will be in the form of a yoga book of easy accessible schedules.
I will not pass on my knowledge of how to teach yoga, or how to practice it.
Remind me, if I stray the path.
And then the BIG epiphany, the thing that along with K coming, sparked my need to move all my furniture around and redo the house:
I think I know why 2018 has been such a disastrous your.

And it didn’t have that much to do with losing Max, losing my business, my career, and falling in love with a second man.
I think I have been unconsciously tapped into stuff which has been going on in my lover’s life. It might have started as early as 2017, because that’s when our sex life got a lot calmer. Every time we were together was such a unique and special occasion, we didn’t have the same levels of trust, to have sex the way we used to.
And now I look back at over a year of misery, where seeing my lover were actually the highlights, little pockets of time when we were in another Universe, and yet think:
Oh. My. Fucking. God.
When I feel shitty, the reason is as simple as:
Something is going on, unconsciously.
Like the secret of Mr.Big.
Or, comparable, like last summer when I turned my business inside out in an attempt to save it. Before I realized I had fallen in love with someone.
Changing my business was not going to solve anything.
Instead of acknowledging feeling weird, had to do with being love.

The first example (picking up Mr.Big’s secret) may sound a little more telepathic, but in both cases I looked for reasons and solutions, in the real world.
When that was not what was causing it.
My new strategy is interpreting anxiety or feeling sick, as things that do not have an explanation in the real world. The most efficient solution is to wait until they pass. Not to try and analyse them rationally. 
This would have saved a year of my life.
Looking forward to our video call very much.
Hope K will join us!

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

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Keep calm and carry on is Chapter 34 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

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