I guess you could call this my first real workday.
Not in the sense that I’m at an employer’s desk right now.
In fact, for the first time in many weeks, I m behind my desk unshowered, in my bathing robe, drinking coffee and tea I made for my breakfast.
I just didn’t have the patience to “sit it out”!
I felt this neeed to go to my desk and write.
Which is ironic because just yesterday, I retired from being a writer.
At least that’s how I labeled it, because despite how much I wrote, I was never a writer:
I ve been a thinker and an expressionist. And I still am.
Just that for the past 13 years, I ve expressed my ideas primarily through writing, in the seclusion of my study. Now I m stepping out into the world to do the same but in conversation with people, not so much paper.
Through coaching clients, and by working a job on payroll.
I’m in doubt if I should share with you WHY I want a normal job. The thing most entrepreneurs don’t want!
But I’ve decided, yes, I will.
Because next to the number one rule, always eat the damn marshmallow, there is another rule: Always bare your naked soul into the world.
I’m kidding! That’s not a must! But yeah, the marshmallow one is, just take it from me.
So either read on (for more) or eat the marshmallow.
So I ve been an entrepreneur for twenty years, on and off, counting my first business as a freelance writer.
I ve lost my yoga business in 2018, and I am not yet a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer, so it makes total sense to start looking for a job. But just last year, this thought scared me!!
It completely freaked me out.
Now this was for multiple reasons, one of them was that I was still convinced that I needed to write for four hours a day to stay sane. But working within a company also just scared the shit out of me.
All the power play, the small talk and the hidden agendas. Yuck.
But currently I am looking forward to it!
There still is the very important, ultimate goal of wanting to work from home, so that I can work while having a cat running around over my desk. But this goal does not have to be tied to having my own company, running my own business.
I m going to keep my coaching business, and keep publishing and selling my books. Because that’s who I am and that’s what I like to do.
Yet when I say I look forward to getting a job, I mean I m actually EXCITED to start from scratch, so to speak. I see it as a challenge.
No longer: “Boo hoo, I don’t want to work.”
It’s more like: “Bring it on!”
Ha ha ha ha.
Well, I m not that aggressive, but just to get my point across.
Because I am terrible with groups, organizations scare me, politics freak me out.
AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHY I WANT IT.
Just like 13 years ago, when I ended my long term relationship to start developing myself as a single woman. I was so scared of STD’s (even contracting them when using condoms) that I my long-term relationship was largely based on fear of the alternative, of being single.
I didn’t know exactly what type of relationship would fit me, but a relationship was never going to work, if it was rooted in fear of being more entrepreneurial with my love life.
For thirteen years I wrote about my journey from leaving my boyfriend, to one broken heart, eight years of dating, and ultimately four years of being a mistress.
The mistress-format was The One.
I’m not going to tell you if we’re still together, because I ve stopped writing about my love life. I’m no longer a diarist, that ended yesterday.
But being a mistress taught me everything I needed to know about Life, about myself, and on how to make the two fit.
Had I not set out to discover my true sexual identity, I would not have had the confidence now, to embark upon this new journey of going to work in a real job.
The relationship journey, which I started in 2006 when my relationship ended, is fulfilled. I know I m a mistress: someone who commits, chooses for one person. Who supports him in whatever he chooses to do. Even if that would mean breaking up with me.
Someone who needs to admire the man she’s with.
But I also need a lover to keep an emotional distance from me. He has to just be there, like a beacon, or a work of art. Someone I can admire, and fantasize about.
I ve seen female muses depicted like that in movies: A beautiful woman who totally disrupts your life, costs a lot of money and energy, but man, is she good for your creativity!
I have that with a man: I ll gladly step up my game to what it needs to be, in order to function under the extreme insecurity. Live under this tension.
And reap the benefits of the creative flow he’s causing.
After four years of having this relationship, I can honestly say that I don’t see myself functioning in relationships where there is not the challenge of keeping him interested.
I honestly wouldn’t know how to make that work.
But the journey has been completed, mission fulfilled.
I am no longer scared of being single nor of STD’s the way I used to be. As long as I only have sex if I really want to, I m good.
The fear was never about contracting something, it was about contracting an STD, without the sex, the fling, being acknowledged by both him and me, as something that was really good and special.
Now I know this is my own responsibility.
I m the one who needs to want the sex, I am the one who makes the experience special. If he on the other hand, has different women for breakfast, lunch and dinner, it should never influence how I experience it.
I ve learned to say yes to marshmallow sex, without asking him if he thinks it is a really special marshmallow, and if it’s more tasty than all the other marshmallows and so on.
I m just happy to have found such a tasty one!
But I m drifting off.
Like I said: I know all this. That journey has truly ended. I got this!
But the thought of being famous, and attracting stalkers because I’m a 7-Figure Rock Star Writer?
Gave me sleepless nights.
The thought of being trapped working for a company?
But now I realize that this means I just HAVE TO do them!
That setting up some kind of new small business, something agreeable, so that I can avoid both being a rock star writer, as well as avoid having a payroll job, is not an option.
Because then the way I make a living, is a choice out of fear.
Just like my long-term partner, in 2006, was and probably still is, an amazing guy. We could have made it work, one way or another. The problem was not him.
The problem was that being single scared the shit out of me, and I hadn’t worked through that. I had made him, or a relationship, a need.
And because of that, he could not be a choice, a want.
So my turning point, to looking forward to a payroll job, was not so much when I started figuring out how to make that work. I have a few ideas on that, for sure! I know key elements that will make the job easy and fun for everybody, I know how to be a delight of an employee.
But no, the turning point for me, in wanting a payroll job, was to realize that NOT having one? NOT succeeding in one? But in particular STAYING SCARED of one?
Was not an option.
That was never going to work.
The threat of a normal job, in case my company went bankrupt or something, would just keep hanging over me.
This had to be done, the same way I had to leave the relationship 13 years ago.
My main reference for these new things in my life, will be of course the journey in becoming a mistress. And everything I ve learned about power play, how the world works, and how you can win in a position that has no formal power.
Without use of violence, or manipulation.
But an amazing experience for both.
I may have been totally new at being single, but after thirteen years I have the best and most flawless relationships imaginable.
So of course, I m going to apply that in all my work from now.
But “Mistress” is a difficult word to communicate.
It triggers, well.. stuff.
And this morning I thought “Always eat the marshmallow” pretty much sums up everything I stand for and it’s less triggering, than using the Mistress term.
Eat the marshmallow comes from a famous experiment (video).
It’s a psychology test where children are told (in a neutral way) that they have a choice between eating the marshmallow, or waiting until the assistant returns. If they haven’t eaten it, they get a second one.
So either postpone your pleasure, and you get two.
Or eat the one you have.
For a long time it was thought the children eating it, were less successful later on in life because they couldn’t control themselves. But in recent years they found that those were the children from poorer families:
Food was not always available, promises could not always be kept, so they took what they had instead of waiting for a future outcome.
It is also very likely this background of having limited resources explained the differences in what they would achieve in life, compared to the group of children who waited for the second marshmallow.
That it wouldn’t have made any difference, if had learned waiting and investing payed off.
But in my opinion, it’s not the children who eat the marshmallow, who risk leading the wrong lives:
It’s the kids who don’t.
They’re the ones spending their whole lives in relationships, businesses, or companies that they don’t like. Patiently waiting for the second marshmallow.
Which may very well never come.
Just take the first one.
Always eat the marshmallow.
My diaries en erotica are available at
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.
About this blog
The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
coming soon: new books
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.