Playing No. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies

click photo for a related article in The New York Times:
Finding the Courage to Reveal a Fetish

Sometimes I think I m just as submissive to my muse, to writing, as I am as to my lovers.
That I have a basic plan in place of what we’re going to do, but if I feel the other one taking the lead, I succumb with an inappropriate eagerness that reveals that my own free will, is plan B.

That I’d rather have plan A.
Where I have nothing to say, and just have to follow his lead.
Where things are done without consulting me, or against my will, and might be painful but that is of none of their concern.

An hour ago the muse Writing, forced himself onto me with the idea for this book.
I immediately said yes.

This morning I practically wrote the introduction to this book.
The post was called “To tell or not to tell?” and it was about a conversation I had with a friend about a sex toy, which was emotionally charged for me. In a good way – it’s exciting and hot.
But I also realized I wasn’t open about that aspect of my sexuality, which the toy represented. Which is that I like role playing where things are done against my will.
This post “To tell or not to tell?” stated that I was not yet going to tell what the toy was, because I felt it was part of something bigger.
And that I wanted to wait until the full story had revealed itself.
At first I thought the toy represented my submissiveness.
But now I realize I m not submissive at all!
Instead of saying something like: “Oh please punish me master.”
I like to kick and scream: “No!”
That’s when I realized I had never heard of a term for that and decided to give it a new name.
Consent play.
This new book is that story.

Hiding in plain sight

It is a strange thing, even for me, to realize that although I thought I had been open about my sexuality, that I ve actually not been open about this at all.
There are two places where I have been hiding.
The first place is: I hide behind my relationship, which is an affair with my secret lover Mr.Big. I hide behind the sex we, as a couple, have.
Or had, I m not sure if we’re still on.
Either way, my book Big, describes us playing out many of my non-consensual sex fantasies.
But what I have mentioned only secondary, is that the fantasies belong to me. They are a part of who I am. And have always been.
Our affair was not a case of:
“Oh, we’re so crazy about each other. Now let’s spice things up with what we both like.”
Four years in, and I now have a deep understanding this was a case of:
“You have to be on my page about this. I cannot NOT do this.”
In the past I ve had boyfriends with whom I was not completely head over heels in love, as I am with my current lover. And we tried to make things work in bed.
Since the entire situation was less than ideal to begin with, not having my full sexual agenda met was no big deal.
Our sex was going to be sub-optimal anyway.
But to hook up with my secret lover Mr.Big, a successful business man in his forties, visit his apartment, and to then say; “We ll see how it goes?”
No.
Sorry.
We’ll see how it goes is available for when I m not in love, and have to do all the hard work of matching two pretty much incompatible people who want different things, by using all the social and people skills I have.
By the time we get naked I ve invested so much, I ll take that final leap and make it work all the way through.
We ll see how it goes.
But with a lover I m totally crazy about?
Then it really is going to be my way or the highway.
Either we re going for fireworks in the bedroom, with a hundred percent compatible sexual agenda. Or we’re not going through with this at all.
And a compatible agenda means you’re dominant, but not in the conventional rope/leather/master slave kind of way.
But in MY way!
Because that’s the second place I ve been hiding: Between expressions of female sexual submission. Which is basically a spectrum.
On one hand you have the soft version of female submissiveness:
Going to dinner with a vibrating egg in your pussy with your lover holding the remote.
And on the other hand, the hardcore version of BDSM, with ropes, leather, formal roles of master and slave. Or the dominant and the submissive.
I ve called my sexuality submissive on many occasions. And I still might. Yet “I” am actually nowhere to be found on this entire scale.
Not near the vanilla version, nor on the BDSM side.
My sexuality, consent play, holds closest resemblance to the rough sex you see in porn. And the rapey things a lot of men have started incorporating into their repertoire; Pinch your throat, or spit their hand and then make you wet. They push you down when you’re in doggy style, with your head in the pillow and your ass up.
All things I like.
On a pretty bitchy side note, from me: What I don’t like during sex, because it’s distracting and annoying, is spanking.
I like being spanked when we take the time to do just that.
Like take me over your knee, or bend me over the table, and you punish me. Which I don’t want at all, but you make me stand or lie there, since it is of “none of your concern” what I want.
That would be awesome! LOL
But slapping during sex is distracting.
But these are all details! Because I am thrilled to see men have gotten more aggressive in bed.
And I hear this from friends as well; There are plenty of men who can do it rough(er). Either because they know you like it, or they take an educated guess.
Or they’re completely ignorant and think all women like reenacting porn movies, that’s also an option.
But in general I think we do live in a time where as women who like it rough, it is much easier to find a partner, than it was let’s say twenty years ago.
The movies and books of 50 Shades did us the tremendous favor of normalizing the extremes of the BDSM spectrum; The soft power play like him having the remote, as well as the other extreme of owning a fully equipped red room of pain.
And porn did us the favor of normalizing rough sex.
And these three things (vanilla toy play, BDSM, and rapey sex) all have their pros and cons. But at least they’re there.
This makes it a lot easier to navigate your way through what you like and don’t like.

Coming out

In the previous paragraph I ve illustrated how I have been using both my relationship, as well as porn sex, vanilla toy sex and BDSM as ways to avoid speaking about what I really like.
Revealing the true nature of my sexuality.
I ve been so eager when people said: “Oh but it’s really normal for women to have rape fantasies.”
When I just knew my sexuality was a lot more outspoken than that.
I think my masturbation fantasies tell it all: they have been about non-consensual sex for as long as I can remember.
I also have normal, loving sex, with my lover. But I do want to remind you that we have a secret affair, which is exciting in its own right. Sometimes I wonder if I would actually be able to have normal sex if I had a man for myself.
I m afraid not.
I need it to be forbidden one way or the other.
Either way, when I look at my masturbation patterns, my preference become crystal clear.
Being a non-consensual submissive is not some optional thing to spice up my relationship. It’s the bare bones of my sexuality. I can count the times I have masturbated on normal men, and normal non-violent fantasies on one hand.
They were an effort.
An attempt to do something different.
Five times tops, in my entire life, masturbating to something different than all the degrading, disturbing, sexual fantasies I’m going to describe in this book.
And yet when someone said it/ I was entirely normal?
I was silent.

About this book

It is now Friday January 4th. 
And I have decided that I will be writing this book offline, and to then immediately print it. I will not post the individual chapters here first.
This is because of two reasons.
The first reason is unspeakably boring.

Blogging takes up a lot of time and space. A post like this takes up anywhere between 3 to 7 hours. If my plan for the upcoming month was just to write, then maybe, blogging the chapters of “Playing no. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies” could have worked.
But I ve been trying to get around to publishing four of my books, for months. And in January I was REALLY going to do that.
I ve already made photos and booked my graphic designer for the covers. But I m nowhere when it comes to actually doing the work of editing and creating the books.
So I can’t possibly keep blogging if I want to get serious about publishing.
I ve known that for a few weeks now but I love writing so much!
I had no idea how to go about that.
But the idea to write this book, gives me a way out.
Writing “Playing no. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies” will be my daily writing during the process of publishing. And then this will be the fifth book.
I suspect the cover work will be really minimal – with just me creating the cover in Paint (!!). I ve done that in 2017 as well.
I published 8 books with a design cover, but added a little pet project on female sexuality (Dutch).
Last minute.
In a similar fashion “Playing no. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies” will be my pet project the upcoming month.
I will go offline for at least 30 days.
And when I return I will have my four books ready:

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)
and
5. Playing no. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. 
The subscription button is somewhere on this page, probably on the right.
The second reason I m not blogging this book, but writing it offline, is that this story will be my most personal story to date.
I have no interest in sharing it with people who have not made the conscious choice to acquire it.
Just like my previous pet project I will keep the selling price as low as possible, but it’s going to be paid content only.
Because of the sensitivity of the topics – including being sensitive to me – I am really giving myself that halfway version, when things are written, but not shared yet.

When the art is created, but not yet seen.
I feel this will help me to get comfortable with this part of my sexuality, which I have been hiding for so long.
I intend to write about the non-consensual fantasies itself; And I will also write about the different unconventional sexual acts.
This will make it extremely explicit and real.
Because the reason I am writing this book, is to name and claim all these “deviant” acts, as part of what we like.
Well, maybe there should not be quotation marks.
Maybe they really are deviant. I don’t know.
But I do know I have never seen these acts discussed in main stream media, and this has slowed down the process of me coming to terms with who I am, and what I like.
So I want to write them out, so that the women who read my book do see these taboo subjects written down by a fairly normal, sane, Dutch woman of 46 years old.
I want to put to paper all those fantasies that feel so good, yet I m pretty sure there are still so many negative thoughts associated with it as well.
One of the main reasons I have not shared my preference before, and hid behind orientations that were more, well “defined”, I guess, is because the fight for women’s right is an ongoing one. 
The #metoo movement, and the realization that women are still preyed upon and their rights are still violated, make it difficult to find a place in this world where your fantasies belong.
Where you belong.
But this sexual orientation is an acquired one. It is the ultimate expression of women’s rights gone right.
Because only a woman who is certain that she’s worthy, and that no one can question her rights, 
will feel drawn to the pleasure of submitting herself.
Of playing, that her rights are violated, and her body penetrated against her will. Only the one who is not a victim by any standard, will like to do it for fun.
My lover and me often made jokes about my sexual preference.
My love of being dominated, being forced into submission. 

I always have this giant smile on my face, after we’ve played.
And I remind him that within prostitution, it’s the dominants who get paid. They do all the work. And their clients are usually wealthy, powerful men, who call the shots in the real world.
Because in the end it is never the dominant, who is dominant.
It is the submissive.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Playing no. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies
is episode 18 of my project 7-figure rock star writer  
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with the flag in the upper right corner.

30 day sabbatical

I m taking time off to publish my four books + to write this new book
“Playing no. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies”
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To tell or not to tell

charity bake sale (3)Yesterday’s candid post about my sexual preferences, blended in perfectly with my gay best friend coming over to my house.
Next to my lover Mr.Big – and years before my lover Mr.Big!- Damian is the only one who knows everything about me.

In my desire to tell someone “neutral” about my sex life, I picked him.
My gay friend.

Which was a wise choice.
In retrospect the strongest common ground is that we’re both people for whom sex is a mind game. Context is everything.
It started out with just asking him tips on anal sex, because I had no one to talk to about that and my partners were inexperienced on the matter.
They would want to try it, if I organized it. 

Which didn’t work out. You could even say that by the time I have to take the lead within a relationship, it’s downhill from there.
They say couples unconsciously keep score on who invests what. And me taking initiative with sex, is ten points off.
In theory at least.

Because I also remember a conversation Damian and me had, where I confided in him that I had been dominant in bed with a new boyfriend who was way younger than me and wanted to be dominated.
I felt it was my duty to do this. That it is basically your responsibility if you are with someone who’s not as experienced as you, that you give them what they want.
Like a sexual pay it forward.
So I played my part and he was taken against his will.

Now don’t call the police; this was all play.
But anyway, I told Damian that I actually liked abusing him, a lot more than I thought I would. He asked if he had heard this correctly:
“You didn’t know you had a dominant side?” 
And then shook his head: “I think this is what they call a blind spot.”
I ve always considered myself a bottom (gay term for being the receiving party), but I turned out to be a lot more versatile than I thought.
Either way, Damian and me have a long history of discussing sex, and he has been my main and most consistent friend on the matter.
He even remembers all my boyfriends by name, and characteristics.
Last night Damian and me had a date.
I assumed we’d meet in the city but I
 got an A.M. text from him:
“Shall I be at your place at 8? You don’t have to get us cake, because I ve had way too much of that the past couple of days.”

So no city then, and I bought us a selection of Celestial Seasons and Yogi Tea.
Our date night would break the habit of daily drinking.
Something that had been going on since way before Christmas.

I definitely would have had two glasses if our date had been in the city.
I don’t keep any alcohol at home because I don’t want to reward staying indoors. But n
ormally I would have bought wine if I had someone coming over. But I knew Damian almost never drank.
When I told him that I was so happy with our indoor-date because it broke my drinking habits, his eyes lit up. He hadn’t even thought of going to the city! And he loved the idea of going for a drink!

But yesterday we were still at my home, with lots of privacy, so that might explain why our conversation got so intimate.
He told me something that had happened that he had not told anyone. And that had caused him anxiety. 

And I showed him a sex toy I had mixed feelings about.
I thought I was cool with it but I never put it in my blog, and only two of my partners have ever known about it.

Damian and me had such a fit of laughter when I brought it out.
I actually kept it hidden, before I showed it. And probably said ridiculous things like: “You have to promise you won’t laugh!”
While practically choking with laughter myself.

So there were obviously a lot of unresolved emotions connected to it.
And probably embarrassment too.
When Damian left it made me wonder:
Should I talk about this? Write about this?

And then this morning, much to my own surprise, I decided not to.
But I figured out why I ultimately chose not to write about it.
Here’s what I found:
Being ashamed of something has power over you.
But that doesn’t mean that sharing/ being transparent will give you power.
It’s the embarrassment itself, that makes you powerless.
Not the lack of honesty or transparency. 
For example: staying in the closet if you’re gay.
If you are okay with hiding your sexuality, because it means you re more easily accepted, and you don’t offer others an opportunity to talk about something that is basically none of their business, then the closet is empowering.
Because you are consciously withholding information for your own gain.
And should your lie come out you will just say:

“Okay, busted. Tried to slip it by you.”
But on the other hand, if you are in the closet because you believe you are unlovable because of your preferences , or because you fear people withdrawing their love if you come out, then it has become a trap.
You are withholding information out of fear of losing something.
Should your lie now come out, you will feel the shame of being the way you are AND the shame of having lied.
Double trouble.
And yet, I m not 
going to tell you what I shared with Damian.
Writing about something that embarrasses me, has often been cathartic.
But I think my conversation with Damian, as well as my thoughts on this blog post (was I going to share, or not?) made me realize I m still learning here, I m fine-tuning the skill of honesty and transparency.
If you find a way to come to terms with some aspect of yourself, without having to tell anyone, you can ultimately get even more power and pleasure from it, than if you share.
I will end this blog post explaining how keeping things secret can benefit you.
But first I want to go into when it can be beneficial to tell.
And how to do it to make it so.

1. Tell

Telling your truth to the outside world can be beneficial when you are consumed by fear of some truth coming out.
It’s like ripping the band-aid.
It will hurt for a moment, but it can empower you.
There are 2 ways to do this.
Two scenarios.
Scenario 1. The Big Leap
Reveal all and stand your ground. Regardless of what’s coming your way. Ideally, you must be prepared to lose everything over this, and see it as one big test if you are actually owning this.
If you expect an outcome, and reveal all based on the premises that it won’t be that bad, that’s an awful position to be in.

I ve once heard on selling: People don’t buy your product, they buy your certainty.
Ultimately you want to be able to reveal your secret, because it is a training of you learning to be certain, regardless if people buy/ accept.
You’re opening the floodgates, because you know it will teach you how to go next level. It’s swim or drown.
Since this scenario is more public, you could imagine something like:
You start a blog, under a pen name or alias, about being gay, and dating multiple men. Or if you want to really open the floodgates you do it under your real name.
But I would advise against that, and suggest scenario 2 for your inner circle:
Scenario 2. Revealing and asking help.
In many ways, this scenario is similar to 1. You have to be willing to lose all, and you certainly must not assume everyone will want to help you.
But this is definitely a softer scenario, and it is particularly suitable for more intimate situations.
Where scenario 1 is perfect go next level, leveraging social media, scenario 2 is more for an email to friends, or your employer.
Scenario 2 is:
“This is what’s been going on in my life, and I would love your support in this and this way.”
It’s being specific in what you need, that is the magic trick here.
For example:
“I am gay, and I am dating multiple men. I would love to be able to talk openly about that, whenever we’re together.”
Then you will have brought the discussion back to whether or not they’re going to give that specific support.
But you’re not putting the fact itself, up there for debate.
So these are the two scenarios to make sharing the truth, an empowering experience. 
You will no longer have the paralyzing fear that it will come out.
Because you’ve already done it yourself

Not tell

But if something is only slightly embarrassing or uncomfortable, you can also come to terms with it behind the scenes.
And keep it a secret, but one you’re in control of.
This was the case with me discussing my sex life with my friend Damian.
It was something that gave me the giggles, and he cracked jokes and I laughed so hard, it made my stomach ache.
But ultimately, if someone asked me about it, or found out about it, I would be able to say: “I don’t feel like discussing that.”
Or, alternatively: “What do you want to know?”
It’s not that big a deal.
And there’s another aspect that made me decide not to tell this now, just for the sake of it. And that reason is: I actually look forward to talking about this.
I feel it’s part of something larger. An unexplored side of sexuality.
The fact that it managed to fascinate even Damian, made me realize this sex toy was triggering. And most likely in a good way.
So knowing there is a bigger story to be told, a bigger perspective to be offered, is a really good reason to not share the more shallow or obvious facts now.
I compare it to when I became a mistress.
My confusion lay in the fact that I didn’t know what I was.
I knew I had gotten involved in a relationship with a married man, and I expected him to choose for me, because why would he not?!
And then he didn’t.
We got into this power struggle, where I didn’t understand what was going on, and he was not letting me in on his motives or his reasons.
But then I decided:
“He will have his reasons. I love him, and I will stand by him. Whatever his choice may be.”
I took my wounded ego for not being chosen, out of the equation and gave myself a different role, an identity.
I was a mistress.
I chose to be that.
Yet, if I had come out with my messy “Oh! He doesn’t leave his wife, boo hoo hoo!” story? Things would have been much more complicated.
I would probably have been looking for validation and it would not have been empowering at all.
By letting it simmer for a while, and giving it meaning, a narrative, I have allowed people to connect with that.
To connect with the story on a deeper level.
But the existence of my sexuality, a mistress, and his sexuality, a cheating husband, are presented by me, as a given. They’re not up for debate.
I only discuss how women with my preferences, and men with his preferences, can learn to accept themselves for what they are.
And be the best version of that.
It wasn’t until I saw I was a mistress, that I was able to see the deeper meaning, a story that affects many more people;
The women who keep feeling attracted to unavailable men, but also the betrayed women, and men who cheat.
My perspective on the nature of the mistress, the cheater, and even the betrayed wife, provides meaning in a situation that has the potential to crush all who are involved.
It offers healing, for all parties.
In a similar fashion I feel discussing my triggering sex toy alone, is premature. That I want to wait for the whole story to come out. I already know that it’s not something that is talked about or addressed anywhere else.
Least of all in main stream sex advice.
And in the process of creating this broader narrative, I do actually look forward to discussing it in real life!
But just with the people I drink with.

For Damian and me, Yogi Tea might have been enough.
But if you are interested in knowing what it was I showed Damian, and want to be part of me exploring the deeper meaning, the taboos, the reasons this is so sensitive – then we re going to need to become friends.
And we’re going to need plenty of wine. 

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

To tell or not to tell is episode 17 of my project 7-figure rock star writer  
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I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Sex talk

Like all philosophers, his job wasn’t to be a philosopher.
And in his case it was an obvious one:
He was an artist.
Someone who creates exactly what he wants and manages to get paid for it.
Or takes a temp job to make ends meet.
I ve always considered myself an artist too. Initially I called myself a writer. But since I have no interest in my own craft, nor in other writers unless they write novels based on their own lives, it soon became apparent I wasn’t a writer at all.
I am a thinker.
I want to know the meaning behind a situation, a feeling, a moral judgement. I just keep on poking and unraveling until I know Why it is so.
And from there I will change reality, by redefining it through writing.
You can say the writing is my art, but in reality the process of taking everything in, digesting it, and creating new ideas about it, is my art.
My art starts when I open my eyes in the morning, and start to think about something.
I usually don’t leave the bed, until I have so much to say about the topic, I can’t think any more without first releasing it onto the page.
Maybe between the philosopher and me, I was actually more of a philosopher than he was. But regardless of who was what, we turned out to be extremely compatible.
So compatible that I told him all my sex secrets from the last four years, which I had not told anyone in a long time. The friends I could discuss this with, had already heard all these stories, and my secret lover Mr.Big and me had not had that kind of groundbreaking sex in a long time.
I had nothing new to tell.
But the philosopher didn’t know me, and he met my non-negotiable criteria to sharing my sex stories.
These criteria were:
1. that someone was male,
2. that he was sexually active and preferably pretty entrepreneurial with the whole thing, and
3. that he had a complete understanding that sharing my sex secrets – which were not really secrets at all, I just chose not to share – but he needed to understand that me sharing my sex secrets didn’t mean that we were going to have sex.
That I was sharing them for my own pleasure.
To relive the moment.
Late last year, I decided the only thing I am actively going to nurture is the sexual relationship I have with myself. I m going to break the almost junkie-dealer dependency I have created with my supplier Mr.Big. Talking about my sex life, is like creating a glow of years past, to warm myself by.
More than ever, I wanted to tell about the times when I did still have an exciting sex life. And had cycled home with violent cramps in my pelvic floor, when my body was throwing a tantrum after anal sex.
Times that belonged to the past.
Maybe it had been bad timing, in 2018. Maybe our dates had been on the wrong days, when I wasn’t ready either physically or mentally.
Sometimes I thought we didn’t have that same foundation anymore, of trust, and surrender. That the foundation where I trusted my body to him, and he trusted his whole life to me, was gone.
In the heyday, he had owned my body. Not in the master-slave way, at least not explicitly. But he had been sexually dominant. He didn’t ask or hesitate, the way other men had. Instead he would seduce me into full submission, until I was begging for it.
And if I was lucky, we would uplevel our game to where he didn’t ask at all, and just took me, abused me, raped me.
He had been the only man, with whom I didn’t have to play-act really poorly, in order to make sure he wouldn’t feel like he was doing something wrong.
I would fight back and cry real tears, and the pleasure was unbelievable.
Yet at the same time, he knew when to stop before I did. Before I had decided if I was still up for this, he’d stop and ask: “Are you okay?”
He knew me better than I knew myself.
And yet 2018 had gone by without being on that edge with him. I would receive minimal but sweet messages, an occasional platonic date, and satisfying but rather toned down sex compared to what we used to have.
And because I wanted to know Why, I came up with a reason.
The reason we stopped having that type of sex, is because something has shifted between us. And it’s not “lust turns into love”, which is the most probable cause, when you’ve been “together” for four years.
In our case it’s because our relationship isn’t stable anymore.
From the outside it still looks like a regular mistress and lover relationship, but I fell in love with someone else for the first time.
And around that same time I felt something shift on his side as well.
Maybe there is someone else, I don’t know.
But I suspect we don’t have that same level of trust, where he trusts me with his life/his integrity/his secret.
And in return I can trust him with my body.
I hope 2019 is going to be different. But if it’s not that’s okay too.
I ve internalized my entire sexuality, and let go of the need to make things work in the outside world. I am my own woman now.
Which was why talking to the philosopher about my sex life, was more than welcome.
The philosopher had past all three tests.
The first one: He was male.
The second one: He had an adventurous sex life.
He flaunted a “don’t know which side is up” approach to sex, that had of course resulted in the most messy sex life since Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love.
Perfect.
I will never talk about my sex life with men who are not happy with theirs or who are married.
I have one married friend, the Archaeologist, with whom I did talk about my sex life on two occasions. The first occasion was when I had anal sex with Mr.Big for the first time. A story I somehow managed to stretch for an hour!
And the first time I told it (to my friend Pierre) it had been three hours.
An hour was the condensed version. I have no idea how! LOL
Losing my anal virginity is the opening story from my book Big.
How are you going to fill three hours with what’s written on a few pages?
The second time I talked to the married Archaeologist about my sex life, was when Mr.Big had used three butt plugs on me, ranging from the size of a thin penis, to the size of a really thick one.
It was not just my achievement, that it fit: Mr.Big had been extremely gentle.
I m starting to believe that Mr.Big understands the art of balancing: Whenever he can feel I am tensed about something, for example the first time I was in his apartment, he downplays himself completely.
And upon seeing that largest butt plug anyone would feel intimidated.
Afterwards I sent the picture of the three butt plugs to my gay best friend, and even he was intimidated!
So when something is already stressful, or exciting to me, Mr.Big is extra gentle and sweet. Which can also explain why we didn’t do anything sexually remarkable in 2018. Our affair was going through hard times, and we don’t communicate about such things. The stress levels just build up.
The power play we used to have dates back to 2017 and before that; When the situation on all other levels, was completely stable.
I could never have a messy sex life, the way the Philosopher had. I need a clearly defined relationship, like the one from a mistress and her lover, so I can play and experiment sexually.
The Philosopher also met the third criteria:
He understood that me talking about sex, didn’t mean that we were going to have sex.
Although this was obviously the hardest one.
But I took my chances because I was excited to share.
So I talked about anal sex , butt plugs, power play.
And he wanted to know which role I had during power play (this was at the beginning of our conversation) and he managed to guess wrong.
And even to back it up with completely invalid arguments, on why he thought that.
I liked that. He wasn’t afraid to be wrong, just as he wasn’t afraid to be rejected.
He made me realize that’s why “normal” men bore me: They communicate in a way so that I can’t reject them.
Just yesterday someone who has been trying to get my attention for years, opened his car window to talk to me, again skillfully ignoring my cold shoulder responses. And then said: “If you want to, come over, right?”
Like a sales man he’s aware that I’ll jump at the first opportunity to say no.
All men do.
That’s why they never ask you something you can say no to, like asking you out.
Another reason why they don’t ask you out, is that they’re married and they don’t want to go out. But I never invest in chatting on Whatsapp or something.
Either we see each other in real life, or we don’t see each other at all.
Period.
And not asking me out because of fear of rejection, but in the meantime waving your neediness in my face, signaling “Pick me! Pick me!”, has to be one of the things that makes women resort to violence.
The Philosopher on the other hand, was an entirely different cattle of fish.
Just like he had not been shy at all, about asking me out on a date.
He was now shameless in his analysis on why I was dominant in bed. I think his strongest argument was that I was obviously ballsy and strong, so I could never be on the Anastacia Steele end of the stick.
Anastacia Steele is the submissive virgin from 50 Shades of Grey.
50 Shades was actually the Philosopher’s main source of information in order to determine whether I was dominant or submissive.
Again, something normal men would try to hide.
They’d say: “Well I had this woman once and based on that, my estimate is…”
The Philosopher was wrong, but he wasn’t afraid to be wrong nor was he afraid to flaunt his limited knowledge on the matter and his sketchy sources.
I loved it.
So naturally I informed him that I was submissive, and had been for as long as I could remember.
He also asked me why I liked anal sex. From a woman’s perspective he couldn’t see the benefit.
This time – something that spoke for him – he indicated that he was curious. But that I should only answer if I wanted to.
I wanted to.
I answered the reason I liked anal sex was not a physical one: it was entirely mental. It fit in with being submissive. It was on that fine line between pleasure and pain, between surrender and humiliation. It was an absolute mindfuck.
As was my entire sex life.
I explained that I was not into things like massages, multiple orgasms, or anything physical. The hole thing, my entire sexuality, was a mind game.
And he asked me about porn. Which he assumed I wouldn’t like then, because it was entirely physical.
“On the contrary!” I answered.
And I explained to him mainstream porn had so many rough, degrading sex, I could watch any porn clip on my Twitter feed to get satisfied.
And that I was probably Steve Holmes (a porn star) biggest fan.
The Philosopher only interrupted my praise of porn, to ask me if I was a real person.
We ordered our too-many-to-count drink. The only time I remember drinking this much was on my nights with the Archaeologist.
When I had told the Archaeologist the story about the butt plugs, I remembered I still had the picture of the toys on my phone.
The one I had sent to my gay best friend.
“I have a picture!” I exclaimed.
A photo of the three black butt plugs, medium to extra large, standing in the windowsill. Just like my gay best friend, the Archaeologist could not believe the largest one had actually gone in.
I told the Philosopher that when the Archaeologist and me had said our goodbyes, he had turned around, in the middle of the street.
Staring at me, as if he was in trance.
“I still can’t believe it,” was the only thing he said.
In the middle of the night the Philosopher and me said our goodbyes, in a warm hug, that was not sexual and I didn’t want it to be either.
But I just had the best day in years.
Part of me wanted something, I just didn’t know what it was.
“I still can’t believe it,” The Philosopher whispered softly.
Neither could I.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Sex talk is episode 16 of my project 7-figure rock star writer  
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

PS Woon je in NEDERLAND?

Mijn boeken zijn tijdelijk zonder verzendkosten én met 25% korting verkrijgbaar bij mijn uitgever. Gebruik code ONESHIP.
Krijg je $$ tekens?
Schrik niet.
Nadat je je eerste boek in het karretje hebt gelegd, kun je met de vlag rechtsboven de Nederlandse winkel selecteren

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Embracing the dragon

If someone ever asks me what the key to success is?
To making 7-figures as a writer, even though no Dutch writer has gone past 6, not even the most successful ones.
If someone asks me that, remind me to answer; It’s being prepared to lose all.
Friends.
Family.
Money.
Status.
Being right.
Being the good guy.

Being infallible. 
It’s being able to surrender to the process of becoming this, and accepting the consequences of not knowing what that will be.
Accept whatever happens. 
Give up control. And more. And more.
It’s like that process when you think you hit rock bottom (or think you skillfully avoided it) and then just around the corner, you fall anyway.
Hard.

That, was New Years Day.
I had gone through – well first of all I had gone without writing!
Which may explain why this is all hitting me so hard. Not that I have ever been able to prove that my life is more stable if I write a blog post first thing AM; But there is some kind of soothing effect in knowing that I least I did write.

I may have entirely screwed up as a human; But I wrote.
Except I didn’t do that.
Both the 31st of December as well as today, I had to do other things first. I would not have been able to concentrate on writing otherwise.
Yesterday, I had a ton of stuff to do and arrange before the shops closed.

And today I had a painful situation that had been the last thing I was thinking about before I finally fell asleep.
And the first thing when I woke up.
It was all very sad, for all parties.
But it also had the potential to do damage if not handled correctly.
So that was the first half of my day before I had that figured out in a way that was good or at least acceptable for everyone, I hope.
And then the rest of the day I worked really hard preparing a photo shoot for tomorrow. Called for an hour with a friend, who had things that were going on in her life;
Another friend cancelled our date and I decided to go to a bar anyway, to treat myself. Called another friend, and she joined me.
So that was my day, broad strokes. Broad strokes, 2 Chardonnay and one glass of champagne later, just when I thought:
“Okay, that went okay! I made it through this day. Home on time. Didn’t drink THAT much – should look good tomorrow!”
BAM!
On the toilet, or even on my way home on my bike;
That deep sense of insecurity.
An almost sickening need to weigh every word I said or thought throughout the entire day. And if I did it in a way so that no one got harmed.
Or will get harmed in the future.
It’s a beginning anxiety attack where you think you made a mistake that will hurt someone. I know I had it on several occasions in 2018.
Anxiety attacks which I usually associated with people finding out about me and Mr.Big.
Thinking I would get murdered.
That’s the violent variation.
In reality, my fear of social exclusion was at least equally strong. Fear of being punished for saying or doing the wrong things or for not saying the correct magic word to fit back in.
To not humiliate myself deeply enough to count as an apology.
That fear of friends turning their back on me, might be even stronger than strangers threatening me.
Or maybe it’s 50-50
Either way: It’s a LOT!
And whenever I had that fear, that anxiety, I always linked it to some kind of threat or risk. Something that happened that day, which I created into this big What if? – story.
Some big drama on the scale of butterfly causes earthquake.
With me being the butterfly.
It was like I punished myself by artificially creating guilt. Being overly responsible, to the point where you think you’re fully to blame for everything.
Just because you did your butterfly thing.
Which is a poor analogy, since I called this Embracing the Dragon.
So how are we going to get from butterflies to dragons?
Either way, I made huge steps in personal growth, in terms of conflict handling, which is my current topic of investigation/ my hobby.
But it is also EXTREMELY!!!!!!! straining.
Holy fucking shit.
There is a reason most people would rather talk about celebrities, soccer, or their yoga course. Because if you start investigating the power structure (conflict of interest) beneath superficial problems, whether from someone else or your own, you enter this roller coaster ride.
And as far as you know you’re riding a test cart, uncertain if the thing is going to hold.
I m beginning to see that the reason my social life has unexpectedly cost me way more energy than I intended to, the last couple of weeks, is because of my interest to understand what’s going on in my friend’s lives.
Their problems within their relationships, or at work for example. And I go through it with them, and I get better and better at seeing what’s going on here.
And I always come up with ways of seeing it, that are beneficial to all parties.
But what I had not seen yet, but I do now – 10 PM on the first of January! – is that it is costing me … God, so much.
It’s like drinking too much alcohol, or some other addiction, where you enjoy the high of in my case, solving the riddle-
but then you crash.
After helping either myself or a friend, analyzing what’s going on, I crash so hard. Like right now, I feel like curling up in bed and just crying, convinced I m a horrible person.
That I ll be stabbed for having an affair.
Or punished for social wrongdoings.
Or that the people who share their life with me turn against me, because they love me BUT.
BUT I m so big. BUT I make mistakes. BUT -fill in anything that happens, when you feed your mind, live on riddles, and take such high emotional and social risks.
When the thrill of wanting to understand everything has infiltrated your social circle.
On my bike, still hoping I could just go to bed early and forget this eerie aftermath-feeling- I said to myself that if I would ever write about this,
I would call it:
Embracing the dragon.
If you want to be unique, and a 7-figure rock star writer in the Netherlands is unique – you are not going to fit in.
People are going to get hurt.
Just from standing next to you when you breathe!
Entire villages might end up in ashes.
You will live alone.
Be feared.
Envied.
Hunted.
And yes; Rich.
But you cannot un-dragon yourself.
You are what you are.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Embracing the dragon is episode 15 of my project 7-figure rock star writer  
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

PS Woon je in NEDERLAND?

Mijn boeken zijn tijdelijk zonder verzendkosten én met 25% korting verkrijgbaar bij mijn uitgever. Gebruik code ONESHIP.
Krijg je $$ tekens?
Schrik niet.
Nadat je je eerste boek in het karretje hebt gelegd, kun je met de vlag rechtsboven de Nederlandse winkel selecteren

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Must write diary make books do yoga get daylight

I have no idea why I m all of a sudden so stressed out over this.
I mean, I haven’t worked on my books for weeks, if not months.
I haven’t done yoga for ages.
And I ve spent days indoors without seeing anyone, multiple times in December.
And I don’t remember those hermit days as being bad at all.

Then why am I now, on the second last day of the year suddenly so concerned about how much time this blog is costing me?
And how it’s keeping me from all the other things I need to do?

This diary has accidentally become a must.
I used to think that an ideal writer’s life meant that I would write every day, but switch it up between this diary, my Dutch columns and my cartoons which are under my real or old name.
The name I used to give yoga with.
But now I just know that’s not how it works.
I need this blog to keep me on track, and if I don’t do it my head rapidly gets cluttered. After a few days I don’t know which way is up.
The other blogs are more casual, I’d say.
Like yesterday night, I had gotten hooked on a Dutch book by Menno de Bree. It was a light and easy read, but that was no excuse to devour it the way I did.
I gobbled it down the way cookie monster eats his cookies.
And then I wrote about it.
My writing is like a Ferrari; it is the most powerful one around but if you want utilitarian or economical, buy a Toyota.
I ve made my peace with this English blog being a part of me, because I had no other choice. Not because I see a way to build a business this way.
To make matters worse, I want to clean and reorganize my basement before the new year. It’s a mess because the building cooperation has renovated there, and everything is still in boxes and/or covered in dark grey dust.
I don’t want to enter the new year with a basement that looks like an abandoned coalmine.
Oh, something did pop to mind, as to why I’m probably more concerned by lack of control over my life than usual. I went to the hairdresser to get it cut Atomic Blonde style, like the 2017 movie. The most important part were the bangs.
I can’t remember ever having them.
And with a little help from a blow dryer and a hair product, I looked similar to Charlize Theron.
This could definitely work!
I have a photo shoot scheduled for Wednesday, and it was good to know I had the hair thing covered now.
Yet within hours my bangs completely curled back up with the rest of the hair, and disappeared forever.
They are nowhere to be found!
So although I adore my new look, it is absolutely not what I intended it to be.
Maybe that’s why I feel so out of control.
If I can’t even make things work, when I literally have a clear picture (I took the photos of Atomic Blonde with me to the hairdressers), then how am I going to make something work, having no idea what I m aiming for?
How will my life look with all of those things that I want to do?
Which is why I have decided to watch a live stream from Katrina Ruth.
I have been following her work for two years, and although I usually just randomly brainwash myself with any of her programs and free videos – I m even planning on integrating her content into my yoga practice, which is by far the most attractive feature of my future yoga practice – this is the first time ever that I m watching a video, because it addresses the exact problem I am experiencing now.
Here’s a link to the video How I get it all done, with tons of room to spare!! ✅✅✅ 
(…)
(…)
Okay! I m done!
That was inspiring.
You know the strange thing is that whenever I start to believe those “You can’t control your life” antis, and that includes me buying into my own stories, all I have to do is watch a Katrina Ruth video, or read one of her blog posts, and I m good to go.
It is absolutely impossible for me not to connect with the bigger dream and vision I have for myself, after I ve heard her speak about her life and her road to millions of dollars a year.
But I already know, from recommending her work to other people, that the majority of them get triggered by her, baaaaadly.
So if you clicked the video, you probably didn’t watch it, because you were triggered. Or because it’s pretty lengthy and you were waiting for me to give you the management summary.
Which is this:
The reason Katrina Ruth has built a million dollar online business, and has started doing so when she was still booked up to 60 hours a week training private clients at the gym, is because she decided she just wasn’t available for anything less than having it ALL.
No excuses.
Working crazy hours at the gym, she used her 10-15 minute breaks to get an espresso, open her laptop and write her blog, create her content, sell her things.
Without Facebook or fancy website.
She would just sent you an email with a file attached, with your book or program.
“I was never available for not making any money.”
I know from another training that after her last client, she would go down to the Italian restaurant, around 9 PM. And sit there, with her earphones in, typing.
Around 11 or 12, the staff had started cleaning and the restaurant was closing and she had such a satisfied feeling of having been able to work for a couple of hours on end.
And yet at 6 AM her first client would be booked in already.
That’s how she lived and breathed.
Even in the video she says she got up at 5 because she had a 10 AM tequila party (or some other booze, anyway it was wild!).
She still lives that way.
She won’t back down.
And that’s how I will get everything done, from now on too.
5 Minute intervals.
Make money.
Decide you’re going to have it all.
Or as Katrina Ruth would say it:
I will go on for however long it takes, and until it takes.
And then keep going.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

PS Woon je in NEDERLAND?
Mijn boeken zijn tijdelijk zonder verzendkosten én met 25% korting verkrijgbaar bij mijn uitgever. Gebruik code ONESHIP.
Krijg je $$ tekens?
Schrik niet.
Nadat je je eerste boek in het karretje hebt gelegd, kun je met de vlag rechtsboven de Nederlandse winkel selecteren

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Must write diary make books do yoga get daylight is episode 14 of my project 7-figure rock star writer  
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Change your name, up your game

Two weeks ago, I knew I wanted to register my name.
As far as Dutch law allows such a thing, without going to court.
And even then it requires a good reason.
Just wanting to boost your writing career is not enough.
As opposed to Anglo-Saxon countries changing your name in the Netherlands is almost impossible, and I ve never heard of anyone doing it as a vanity project or a career move.
There’s usually a family story behind it, and people will adopt the name of their other parent.
I chose my name LS Harteveld, or Lauren, when I started writing in 2006.
I was a yoga teacher and didn’t want my work to be read by the people who were taking my classes. I ve never been fully me, during the 15 years of teaching yoga.

I felt the people came for a normal yoga class, and I had fully repressed my own authenticity. In later years I did allow more of it, and I had good relationships with my students.
But in 2006 I was hiding deep in the closet of pretending to be good and normal.
I could not have my (sex) writer identity mixed with my yoga teacher identity.
So very few people knew about it.
I remember sending out emails with my columns, in 2009.

In 2010 I had my own website, and a facebook account. Which I deleted later on and changed it into a business page on Facebook.
In December I joined Twitter, which turned out to be not just good for having my blog read; but it also turned out to be a great dating tool.
I could connect to men I liked.

Instead of wasting time sending polite “no thank you” messages or “I don’t think this is going to work”.
Whereas on Twitter, it’s clear you can’t just barge in on DM “Hey you look cute” and expect an answer.

Because Twitter is of course not a dating site.
Anyway, that was all really nice and I started making friends as LS Harteveld, and although they never called me Lauren once they knew my real name, it was immediately clear that the friends I made on social media as LS Harteveld, were more my crowd than the ones I met in real life where I was dependent on my income as a yoga teacher.
I felt free as LS Harteveld.
I was just pretending to be a yoga teacher X hours a week, so that LS Harteveld could live.
In 2017 I published my ten books, as LS Harteveld.

But it wasn’t until October this year (2018) that I quit teaching yoga.
LS Harteveld was “already” twelve years old, and I was now free to actually become her.
And I did.

My old identity felt exploited, used. As if she had warded off the forces of the world, for twelve years, so that the real and new side of me could grow.
When I speak about my old identity, I tell people I sent her on a lifelong sex vacation.
Her name still exists. But it’s an empty shell. My “real” name is for the people who are not part of my chosen life.
And who are in my life by default because they work at organisations I have to deal with, or because they’re family or neighbors.

I have spoken about this choice before:
“I am not going to waste energy, trying to explain myself within those circles. If I would do that, I will have no more energy left to do what matters, and to build the career and the life I want.”

And it wasn’t until today, that I realized why that was so smart!
WHY indeed, you should avoid getting into arguments with people in your closest social circle;
Because they have no interest in you breaking free.
My initial reasons however, to never invest in converting my loved ones, any more than I would convert my neighbors, were extremely practical.
I knew my ideas on liberated sexuality, liberated work, liberated everything, were incompatible with the safety and the reassurance of living a normal life.
I didn’t want them to worry sick.
I knew I was taking tremendous risks financially, and also mentally, and could end up broke or suicidal. Although ironically, I never saw them happening both.
Either I would accept a job I didn’t like, in which case I would risk getting suicidal.
Or I would go broke and homeless, but I didn’t see me killing myself over that at all. I would hate it-  I love a warm home, privacy and getting a good night sleep- but being homeless would be a temporary thing.
A job, in my opinion, was way more likely to be ended by suicide because it would be a big deal to put your family through the ordeal of you quitting or expect society to pay for your welfare if you were too big of a princessa to work.
And if I am homeless they’re already worrying, and the worst nightmare scenario has already come into play.
If I m homeless I would be extra motivated to carry on, so that it hasn’t been for nothing.
What I have done so far, in explaining myself to my family, is that I ve told them that in 2019 I might have to take a job I don’t like, but that when I do the clock starts ticking.

“I may be able to endure it three weeks, or three months or three years. But there comes a time when I m going to quit, and I better have made a fuckload of progress in my writing career by then, because after that I will not have the strength to go back and take another job.
A job will buy me time, but it will not be a solution.”
So in a way of course I have prepared them, that things may not go as planned. I do try to share what my life is about, especially because they will be the ones suffering the most.

They are the ones worried sick, and of course they also like the idea of me becoming famous. 
If only because then they can stop worrying!
It’s just that in the process of it, I have to make brutal choices whose concerns I am going to address. And aside from my recent family update to them – there will not be room to reassure worried family members.  
Or to invest in sensitive family dynamics.
There is simply too much at stake for me.
Okay, that was a long story, but those were just the initial reasons, of me not going to fight for a name change/full acceptance in my closest circle.
And as for the organisations, neighbors, and even my ex-students, my real official name, has the added benefit of not having to show who I am.
Of not having the plumber Googling you and then finding your book store filled with sex.
That is already a great reason to not change your legal name; it provides you anonymity. You can be famous on the internet under your alias, and at the same time run a normal household like anybody else.
But yesterday I wrote a post, which has now opened my eyes as to why that is.

Why I ve always felt that the biggest resistance, but also the biggest threat to me (and most likely: to anyone!) is in the circle of people who do not CHOOSE you.
Nor do you choose them.
It’s very much like the difference between a dating site and Twitter:
On a dating site I behave as if we are all living in the same building; you stay polite because you run into each other.
Yet I m constantly aware that I m surrounded by people who didn’t earn their right to get this close. Nor did they choose my company.
There is a total lack of reciprocity. 

Yet on Twitter I behave like we live in the same city;
There’s no reason to talk unless we both want to.
And I expect you to keep your distance, and will call you out on it if you don’t.
To me, the boundaries on Twitter are much clearer. You have to work, in order for the other person to like you. And even then they may not feel like teaming up.
Some say:
On Facebook you’re with the people you went to high school with;
On Twitter you’re with people you wish you went to high school with.
On Twitter, as with your chosen circle of friends, there’s much more space, room to breathe.
But yesterday’s post made me realize WHY that is! 
Why there is such a big difference between the people you choose (and preferably, you choose them time and time again) and the circles that are by default.
And where leaving would be a big deal.

The social structure underlying a family, a school, a business; but even under historic relationships symbolized by Facebook, that social structure is morality.
It is a set of unwritten rules on who is good and who is not.
And what is a good employee, a good sister, a good mother; and what is not.
And in order be part of the group you must be willing to look good.
You can behave in an entirely different way! Like for instance, if I had it in me to pretend for my family that everything was okay, I would really have been doing them a favor.
Same thing with fidelity: as long as you are good spouse, and SAY that you’re faithful, you will most likely get away with it.
The structure only asks that you put up a good front; you must pretend you’re playing by the rules. 
But in reality, what this structure asks of you, is that you surrender to the group.
And explain yourself to any member who questions if you are “good” enough.
Social structures are based on morality, which is to say they are Big Brother is Watching you mayhem.
They are motherfucking hell on earth.
And especially because it is the ones who have a little bit of power, acquired through the structure, who will want to hold on to it by holding you accountable.
It’s in condemning short skirts.
Eating meat.
Gay sex.
Lying.
Condemning how you choose to live your life.
Condemning not choosing anything and simply putting one foot in front of the other. 
And by condemning I mean, thinking that subject that is even open for discussion because you live in the same building, are in the same circle of friends, are a member of the same family, or because someone is your teacher or an official you are dependent on.
All these subjects should never ever be up for discussion.
I strongly URGE you to recognize that no one has the right to do that,
nor is it ever of your concern how others score on these points.

The line is crossed because within the group people are aware that the others need the group.
And that escaping comes at great cost, for example losing the entire circle of friends or your in-laws.

It was Thursday December 13, when I went to the Chamber of Commerce. By train, bike, and I got lost so it took me a long time to find it.
And then at the office too, things took really long because it was really complicated.
But when I left, I had a company called Lauren Harteveld.
And by that, I could now officially call myself Lauren Harteveld.
She would do all the writing, but also if I would go to work, it would be under her name. So that it was always clear WHO I was.
And that I didn’t do normal.
I didn’t do morality.
And I was accountable for one thing, and one thing only:
For being Lauren Harteveld.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Change your name, up your game is episode 13 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

Subscribe to get inspired!
And feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore,
and binge as often as you want!
The subscribe button is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

— mijn boeken zijn voor Nederland tijdelijk zonder verzendkosten én met 25% korting verkrijgbaar bij mijn uitgever. Gebruik code ONESHIP.
Nadat je je eerste boek in het karretje hebt gelegd, kun je met de vlag rechtsboven je winkel Nederland selecteren —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

The cage of morality, and the key of purpose

intimidating behavior when people feel they re losing their power over you

It all started making sense.
I saw how two large pieces of my puzzle were supposed to fit together, and how my theory of not wanting to be a grey mouse (which turned out to be someone who is trapped in morality), and my theory on purpose, were connected.
Purpose was the only force strong enough to break free from the cage of morality. Which explains why I had instantly felt the significance of purpose.
I knew purpose would open many doors.
What I didn’t know, or at least had realized insufficiently, was that the doors to the cage of morality were heavily guarded.
No way you would be able to slid your purpose key into the lock and get a quiet escape.
Instead, purpose was going to blow the cage, and its prisoners would complain that you had ruined their whole entire world.
They would argue that if they wanted their morality cage blown up they would have done so.
Yesterday’s talk with my coach made me realize the strongest opposition to my ideas, to my very existence, comes not from the people who built the cages of morality.
Not the people who are benefiting from the idea that we all have to be good citizens, good workers, good parents, good friends.
It comes from the people who have adopted that cage, that power system, as their truth, and have started checking on each other.
Looking for goodness.
Not seeing that this power structure wasn’t built in their best interest.
Resistance to my new path of purpose, freedom and growth, would come from the ones who relied on their place within the cage of morality.
This overlaps with what I have been experiencing my entire life, general idea that men love me and women fear me.
Which in turn has caused me to fear women and love men.
I m still not sure if I feel like liberating the women that are so eager to defend patriarchy’s rules, by condemning my sexuality, my strength, my presence.
I always assumed women hated me because they felt I was the enemy because I am a mistress. But now I m starting to see I m not just a threat to their marriage, I am a threat to the pillars they’ve built their entire life on.
I deny the very existence of morality.
For example, in the twelve years I focused on my love life I found out I am monogamous. Which means I get the most pleasure if I have only one partner.
The reason it took so long to figure this out, was because I need my partner to be exciting, mysterious, perhaps non-monogamous.
There’s only room for one monogamist in our relationship!
And this has illustrated to me that monogamy is not a moral choice; it’s inborn. It’s nature, a sexual orientation.
I could do just as much damage to a relationship as he could. And he could be just as beneficial to it, as me.
Monogamy is not a virtue.
And neither is anything else.
Not telling the truth, not kindness, not even love, are a virtue.
And neither are there vices or bad habits;
All things can be used for good or for evil.
Just like me blowing up the cage of morality, can be done for good or for evil.
It all depends on your point of view, your interest in the matter, and the Why. The reason behind the act.
And this is when purpose steps in;
And why yesterday afternoon I was on the table dancing and yelling in excitement at my coach Sara. Because Purpose is to the one who has it, the Why that transcends morality.
Purpose is not just powerful enough to blow the cage.
It is also the only reason why any sane person would dare to blow the cage up, and escape. Quite possibly losing the support and love from everyone they love, who will be angry with them for blowing up their moral habitat.
So I was already euphoric from my coaching call with Sara, when I encountered a philosopher, online. His name is Menno de Bree.
And his work, or opinion, seemed to be (at first glance at least) the exact opposite of mine.
You can watch his TEDx talk here.
He warned me, us (the people in the cages I think) that by adopting the belief that you can improve your own life, you become susceptible to manipulation.
In particular by your employer.
He illustrated how when we lose our jobs, we don’t just have an economic or social problem, we have an existential problem, because we have identified with our jobs.
How was it possible that I was drawn to him?
Why did I believe that by reading his work, which was diametrically opposite to mine since I believed your whole entire life should revolve around finding and living your purpose, I would come to new insights?
I don’t know.
Maybe it is comparable to what I heard Brad Pitt say about acting being like tennis: the fastest way to get better is to play with someone who is at a higher level than you.
Since I m (officially) just dipping my toes in the water of what could be considered philosophy, although I m more drawn to calling it deciphering power dynamics in order to get what you want, I m definitely upping my game by wanting to be tested, challenged by someone who seems to be holding an opposing view on things.
Or maybe a complementary view.
That is all yet to be seen.
Because I asked my coach Sara, that if Purpose is the only weapon that can blow up the cage of morality, the only force powerful enough to set us free, if she then believed it was available to everyone.
Was the weapon, the dynamite of Purpose, available to all who were trapped and unhappy in the cage? Because if it was, then it meant that everybody in the cage, was there voluntarily.

This is what my creativity coach Sara wrote on her Facebook page.
We are on on different continents. So although it was my afternoon, the call was AM for her. 

“A client asked me this morning whether I thought everyone has a purpose or has access to a sense of purpose. I said I believed that we all have the seeds of purpose – the unique combination of creativities we are born to express – but that growing those seeds takes more work and more discomfort than many people are willing or able to put in.
Quoting from Brené Brown:

Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness — an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared.

The wilderness can often feel unholy because we can’t control it, or what people think about our choice of whether to venture into that vastness or not. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.

– Brené Brown –
Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone

In this quote, Brene Brown captures a beautiful description of the kind of work that I’m talking about – the work of stepping into the wilderness, where we feel confusion, doubt, fear of losing social connection, etc. To get to true self-sovereignty, that sense of belonging fully to yourself, there is no path that doesn’t lead through the wilderness.”
~Sara Saltee

After my epiphany-filled Thursday in the wilderness, where I encountered the guides Sara and Menno, who both seemed to be pointing in opposite directions, I bought two books.
The Brenée Brown book for when I felt like basking in the fresh air, the lawlessness, and the freedom of the wilderness. 
And Menno de Bree’s book which would outline the consequences of fleeing back into the  cage.
I was certain I was going to need both, on my journey.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

The cage of morality, and the key of purpose is episode 12 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

Subscribe to get inspired!
And feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore,
and binge as often as you want!
The subscribe button is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

— mijn boeken zijn voor Nederland tijdelijk zonder verzendkosten én met 25% korting verkrijgbaar bij mijn uitgever. Gebruik code ONESHIP.
Nadat je je eerste boek in het karretje hebt gelegd, kun je met de vlag rechtsboven je winkel Nederland selecteren —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Mistress becomes rock star

Dear Sara,
.
The category:
Things Thou Shalt Not Do After Three Christmas Dinners, 
should include an activity Trying to make sense of the past two weeks and write a review for your creativity coach.
So my apologies!
I might forget to mention some of the minor life events.
.
These are the big ones.
.

1 I’ve registered as an entrepreneur with the Chamber of Commerce

I don’t even recall exactly what the line of reasoning was, just that I knew it was my one-way ticket to becoming my alias Lauren Harteveld. 
The burn-the-boat variation.
By registering under that name I was breathing life into Lauren and made it practically impossible to ever again accept some kind of grey mouse job, regardless of the level.
My work under this name would never be omitted anymore out of my resume.
I was Lauren Harteveld.
I was so nervous about registering, I didn’t tell anyone. Like an adult or something!
It felt very cheeky not to ask advice from, or inform my bookkeeper or mother beforehand.
But I knew I had to do it, and wanted to do it before I lost my nerve.
.

2 I m going away during the three weeks of indoor refurbishment

The quality of living (I don t even want to call it quality) is going to be so ridiculously low, staying in my apartment is no longer an option. And I also spent two nights at my mother’s for last week’s asbestos renovation.
But to think I would do that three weeks, is not empowering at all.

I m going to try to get a replacement apartment funded by the building cooperation based on medical grounds. That lurking burnout and continuing heart problems could be of use after all. 
But if that is not an option I m going to get like an AirB&B in the city. I want to be near my friends, not isolated in a resort (I do everything by bike)
.

3 I ve stopped writing about my love life and now blog about becoming the first Dutch 7-figure Rock Star Writer

After 12 years of writing about my quest from dare I say zero to hero- fighting my demons and stepping into the sexuality that was truly mine, it is now time to move on.
Writing about it has brought me many things and has allowed me to be in relationships most sane people would avoid or get crushed by.
But I feel it s currently starting to work against me.
By becoming Lauren Harteveld with regard to work, I ve also ensured that in this area too, I cannot go back.
The option to just pretend I m Mr.Big’s new mousy girlfriend, got cancelled.
I am Lauren Harteveld, and anyone who dates me will be dating Lauren Harteveld, the mistress or former mistress.
For the past half year or so, things have been changing between Mr.Big and me.
Or maybe just with him, and I felt I was left on the breadcrumb side of the relationship.
By quitting writing about our affair, I feel I m no longer nourishing, or writing to life, something that he may not even be paying attention to anymore.
Or maybe it’s to find out if he’s paying attention.

And find out if what we had is still there, once I stop trying so hard.
.

4 I ve completely internalized my sexuality 

Ironically, after prioritizing my career over my love life, my libido returned.
It was in deplorable shape. Probably due to workers on my scaffolding from 7 AM, from sleeping at my mom’s house, and as a result from my worries about Mr.Big.
And I also had the asbestos renovation.
Having to clean out your entire kitchen, and having to put it back two days later, is not a very invigorating way to spend your time.

I felt/feel like Cinderella’s construction work sister; a victim of pointless and mundane tasks that involved moving refrigerators around.
So although I had an explanation for not feeling sexual, I didn’t have an explanation why I had my libido restored the minute I shifted my focus.
And not just the lust for it!
I experienced way stronger orgasms than I ever remember having!
It was comparable to when I was in my early thirties and I had a sudden rise in libido and my orgasms were way stronger.
But that was because I quit the pill.
I can’t exactly put my finger on this (this was not punned I swear), but I was very happy with it.
It made me feel healthy (instead of like a dried out pea) and it made masturbation rewarding! And worth scheduling it into my day.
But today I had an even more next level experience, when I decided I was going to pay way more attention to feeling sexual or romantic with myself. I looked it up and it s called auto-sexual or auto-romantic.
And the thought of shifting focus from Mr.Big/Other men, to me, is very inspiring.
I feel like everything I wanted to achieve body wise (losing weight, doing yoga), and all my self-care; will be so much easier to stick with because now it’s directly and only for me.
Also the loneliness associated with working hard will be far less intimidating because I just became my own best friend.
.
I think that’s it! 
My career plan is to finish four books – I ve already contacted photographer and graphic designer about all my ideas, and that will be done in the upcoming weeks.
After I ve published those books I m going to put myself out there as a speaker.
And sell my books/ get PR from there.
I want everybody to know who LS Harteveld is, but I m not going to present myself as only a writer.
I m going to put my stories and myself first. Books second.
.
So I feel like I ve wrapped up twelve years of being a mistress, and started my new phase:
Of being the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer.
.
She doesn’t need a publisher.
She needs a stage.
.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Mistress becomes rock star is episode 11 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

Subscribe to get inspired!
And feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore,
and binge as often as you want!
The subscribe button is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

—- Nederlandse boeken tijdelijk direct verkrijgbaar —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Bringing sexy back (home)

Only last week I was still worried about my sexuality.
I didn’t masturbate anymore.
Or very little.
I knew I felt better at times when I did masturbate and preferably daily.
But I just couldn’t make myself.
It probably started when the scaffolding was up, and I couldn’t lie in bed in private unless I closed the curtains.
Which were extra dark and heavy, to protect me from prying eyes.
But the only times I went to bed was to nap if I was particularly sleep deprived from a combination of not being able to sleep due to all the stress,
and still wanting to get up early, either because they needed to be in my house.
Or because I wanted to be dressed and behind my desk the time the construction workers started their work on the outside of the building.
Still in the dark.
Sun doesn’t get up until 8.30
The past few weeks were pretty sleep-deprived due to the more or less involuntary early start on weekdays so when my head hit the pillow all I wanted to do was sleep.
Perhaps the overnight recovery of my libido was because they all left for their 2 week holiday recess.
But the past couple of days my sexuality is right back where I left it, plus more.
I masturbate every day and the orgasms are deeper than they used to be.
The leap is comparable to around the time I was thirty, when the same thing happened. I was in a long-term relationship but just like now my sex-life hardly included any real sex.
I felt the change based on masturbation alone.
I have that same leap in sexual zest right now.
The improvement surprised me because after twelve years of giving my single love life my undivided attention, I had just changed direction.
From now on I was focused on becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer, and my secret lover Mr.Big could just go do whatever he wanted because being dependent on when he had time, had figured things out, or waiting for him to come around, was no longer satisfying.
I wasn’t saying that I would never see him again.
Nor that I didn’t love him anymore.
But I had decided that I wasn’t going to WAIT.
FIT IN.
BEND OVER THE FUCK BACKWARDS TO HAVE SEX WITH THE MAN I LOVE.
I needed all my energy, sanity and self-esteem for this new goal I had.
In theory, and this is all hypothetical, I could become one of those strong career women who have carefree, satisfying sex, with a variety of lovers.
Late at night, after a hard day of work, when she needs to relax and texts a man if he fancies a drink.
But I don’t do carefree.
I don’t do low-maintenance.
Mainly because I put in so much work and effort in order to have a good time.
With most men I had to do the mental work, the making-conversation AND creating the environment and mindset/idea which would make make me want to have sex.
I ve been good at sex because I could let go, or compensate for everything the other person wasn’t able to deliver. Or for every feeling that I lacked for him.
Intimacy.
Emotions.
Arousal.
If I needed to I could spin the whole entire thing.
But this also means that sex for me is draining, a lot of fucking work.
I m sure that in those twelve years I ve had multiple lovers who did do more than their share.
But at this point in my life, having renounced the entire concept that I m ever going to do his work, make his excuses, and settle for anyone who’s not emotionally mature enough, not interested enough, not socially skilled enough to make the whole entire thing work like fricking magic?
I just can’t think of anyone.
In my mind my entire sex life, including the four years with Mr.Big, have been about me putting in effort, and them just leaning back into their flaws and insecurities.
Not gonna do that ever again.
My relationship with Mr.Big was different from all the other ones not just because I felt attracted to him, and also because he was really good when we were together.
The moments we were actually together – I never had to do his work.
With him I had to work when we weren’t.
But after four years, and experiencing another level of being excluded from his life, I m done playing this game.
I m losing.
Where I once enjoyed having him in my life, without being thrown out like all his other side-dates;
And without jeopardizing his marriage, which was obviously important to him or he would have divorced her;
Something has changed.
And I would be very surprised if that started with me having enough.
I would be giving myself too much credit.
I think it started with him giving me less, and me ultimately starting to feel unwanted.
I decided last week I was not going to invest anything in my love life again, and focus entirely on my career.
And what happened?
My sexuality restored.
ALL with fantasies based on Mr.Big and me.
There have been times in my life when I have tried to quit masturbating to him. So that if he would end things with me, I wouldn’t lose my favorite masturbation fantasies along with it.
But now I see something else happened.
I have completely internalized our sex life. Him and me.
I can actually afford not investing in our flaky lover/mistress relationship, and also let him be with whomever he wants to be.
I don’t need him for the best love life ever.
I ve got everything I need right here, in my head.
I don’t need him any more than he needs me. 

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

I m bringing sexy back (home) is episode 10 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

Subscribe to get inspired!
And feel free to unsubscribe, resubscribe, ignore,
and binge as often as you want!
The subscribe button is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

—- Nederlandse boeken tijdelijk direct verkrijgbaar —-

I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.

Purpose heals all wounds

Recently I ve encountered the question of Loneliness And What To Do With It?
In several different shapes.
The loneliness that causes or aggravates alcoholism.
Loneliness that is at the root of depression.
And the loneliness which is an almost physical pain, an urgent need, screaming out for physical contact.
I read an article about depression and loneliness, and it brought me tears. I was almost at the point where I acknowledged in how much pain I was, and had been the entire year already.
I was about to recognize it, and give in to my craving for a deep and meaningful relationship, in particular with a man.

One that involved seeing each other not just on our highs, but also on our moments of weakness.
I saw myself investing way more in friendships and family.
And thank God I could have a cat again, in February. Ending 13 months  loneliness.
My little cat Max died January 12th, and his death pulled my entire life from underneath me.
He turned out to be the pin that was holding everything together.
And after his death, it all just fell apart.
Including me.
Next February the renovation from the building cooperation is done, and I can have a new feline in my life.
But from all of the above solutions for my loneliness only the cat is going to stay.
All the others, as much as I cried reading that article, and even now just thinking about the bleak picture it painted, tears are streaming down my cheeks-
NOT going to give in.
NOT going to happen.
I am NOT going to be someone who needs a shoulder to cry on or perhaps even a hand reaching out to save her.
I did ask for those things when I was in an acute state of stress, which has happened twice in the past year.
Then I write an email to my closest friends, explaining what happened, and how a date would be very beneficial now. 
I m very specific in what I ask.
I don’t present myself needing extra attention for an indefinite period of time.
NOT BECAUSE I THINK THAT IS UNLOVABLE!!!
But because it would drive me crazy…
It would be like an affirmation that I might not be able to overcome this and stay depressed for ever. I don’t want to live like that.

If I would even allow that thought, that my suffering is not temporary, I might lose the will to live.
Same with investing in creating a sustainable and stable social network so that I won’t be so prone to loneliness anymore:
NOT GOING TO DO IT.
I know human interaction, and love (both giving and receiving) are basic needs for all humans.
And without it I too will die, I know that.
It’s not that I m saying: “Oh! I can do without!”
No way.
I m just saying:
I am not going to build my life around this.
Not worry about relationships and what I did or didn’t do (well try not to worry! lol).
Or why people no longer want to talk to me;
Or what happened that I don’t want to talk to certain people.
I m not going to figure out what I have to do so no one leaves me.
To me, love and a sense of belonging are one of those things, that Life is just going to have to figure out for me.
Because I am going to do my purpose work – that which lights me up inside and gives me a feeling of accomplishment.
And I am not going to invest in figuring out how to design a life with a stable social structure and sustainable relationships.
Because you actually can make a life out of that.
That will BE your life then.
Human interaction is so complex, you can keep analyzing and fixing until you drop. If it is part of your purpose you can make your social life a priority.
I ve made my love life a priority for the past 12 years.
In my early thirties I was so far off from knowing who I was, with regard to sex and love. All I knew was that I was not the person I had pretended to be.
And that I was literally scared to death, by what I did want.
12 Years of giving it my focus actually did turn me into the person I wanted to be: Someone who can have challenging and emotionally exciting relationships.
But now I ve shifted and I m on my path of becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer.
And strangely enough, despite the loneliness and my realization that I don’t have energy to map out all the opportunities and flaws in my social life – this purpose work gives me an even better sense of belonging.
Not belonging with other people.
But knowing I belong in this Universe.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Written in response to my post:
How Purpose gives us strength by Christy Ari/ The Simpleton

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Purpose heals all wounds is episode 9 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

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I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.