Hello Rock Star

Sara is my creativity coach.  I always send her an email before our call. 
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Dear Sara,
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It is tempting to reread my other blog post from today, or rewatch the many videos I created over the past two weeks, in order to reconstruct exactly what happened.
What the right order of things was.
Where I went wrong, and where I went right.
Oh, and of course, to write out ALL the resolutions and habits and basically the entire game plan which will serve me well for the second half of my life.
As the Bon Jovi concert was definitely the most profound experience I ever had. It will go down as my best time sex, ever. 
The best sermon I ever heard.
The best Tony Robbins seminar ever given without Tony Robbins.
And the best yoga class, because it definitely got my energy soaring, and I m positive I will never have another physical ailment again.
Oh, and I m enlightened.
Of course I’m enlightened, what else would I be after this concert for which I had been preparing even more meticulously than for my dates with Mr.Big, leaving everything and nothing, to chance.
Nothing , when it came to the things I could control, such as preparations for the day and getting into the right mood.
And everything when it came to accepting and celebrating whatever would happen.
Fortunately for me, just like Mr.Big, Bon Jovi was a great match in showing up with the right energy. And that’s when the best night of my life happened.
And this is the small-can’t-bother-Sara-with-too-long-email version because I could write an entire novel out of that one gig.
Sadly though, I didn’t.
As we discussed earlier I am determined to go more out there with my message, in performance mode, and leave the days of 7 hour blog posts behind me.
However – and this could be a beginners fuckup! – my performance, talking about something on video, seems to be a lot less strong when it comes to claiming the narrative. 
Performance does raise my vibration, way more than writing does. And in that sense it is a lot more rewarding. It also costs less time than writing.
But this is my latest key insight about my otherwise perfect choice for video over writing:
It’s not as strong.
When I m done with a blog post reality has been claimed, and it is almost impossible for me to get another version of the truth in my head, than the one I put to paper.
I ve used this in my affair with Mr.Big:
What I wrote became the truth.
And it was a good truth. One in which he could see his own power and how we connected, how we were doing this together. I patched up, polished, sowed together the truth if needed.
I often used fiction.

The only thing I always kept intact was the love we had for each other, and then I let the rest of the story serve that. Even the most extreme things we did sexually, were undeniably loving.
If anyone had told me, after reading the story, that I should be ashamed of being a secret mistress, there is no way I would have adopted that as the truth.

The truth was on paper.
The end.
But after the Bon Jovi concert, about which I did not write but I created daily videos for both of my accounts, and I stayed on the high for days and intended to keep that going indefinitely:
Someone qualified what I had been doing to Jon Bongiovi as stealing his energy.
And because I had told myself that everything I needed for the second half of my life, was given to me in that gig, I adopted it as a possibility that I had actually been doing that.
That my energy had come at the expense of Jon Bongiovi himself.
And suddenly I could see evidence in my relationship with Mr.Big that this was true: After all, he seemed to need two months between our dates if we had sex.
Regardless of how enthusiastically he had been fantasizing with me, on how amazing it would be to see each other more often.
I saw in this long pause a confirmation that I stole way more than I had been entitled to.
And from there, my spirits plummeted.
Very soon I started hating myself, and when the 13th and the 14th of June had been the best days of my life, both with regard to Jon Bongiovi as well as Mr.Big who seemed to have a deep understanding of how much fun it was what I was doing, and he sent me a few texts that testified he was supporting me;
But one week later, it was all gone.
Last Friday I could just feel both of them, energetically snap out of it. And I felt lonely and heartbroken.
Especially because by now I had designed my entire life around the concept of being a rock star yoga teacher. 
How could I be that, if I was consumed by guilt of being an energetic vampire?
This morning I woke up, and got my act together.
Two major decisions were made.
1. I need to start writing again.
And in particular erotica. I have not written about my sex life in years. The exact same years our dates became more infrequent and sex was intimate and simple because it felt like our first time every time.
Like we’d been on a break or a breakup.
I had been too eager to drop writing erotica, too eager to be a good girl, one who doesn’t kiss and tell.
But with that I almost killed what we had.
It’s a miracle there is something left to save.
Also, I intend to start writing about the concert, and come up with a better narrative than me being a no-hands succubus.
2. I need to focus on raising my energy
The reason I got so much out of that concert is the same reason I get so much out of dating my lover: I prepare.
I get ALL the way up there, the peak of the mountain, way before we even meet. And then that is automatically where they meet me.
If I focus on doing things that raise my energy, so that I am on the peak of the mountain, regardless, it becomes more likely that I find the connection back with Jon Bongiovi and my lover.
And feeling really good where I am, and about what happened.
I never want to come down again, to hear what others have to say about my moral code of conduct.
I m going to do everything to get back what I lost the past week.

Including writing what must be written.
So that although others might have an unloving interpretation of what it is I do,
at least I will not be listening anymore.
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Warm regards,
..
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living
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erotic stories are avialable in: 
Big, Diaries and Erotica
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7-Figure Rock Star Writer

This is the second chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 4: A New Life

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