I titled this blog post mental kinks, because I don’t want to disappoint anyone who thinks this post is going to have anything to do valley orgasms, massages, or G-spots.
It doesn’t have anything to do with anything physical.
I would be capable of having a reasonably satisfying sexual relationship without physical proximity.
Maybe I m just indifferent about the physical aspect, until our entire sexual game has already been played mentally.
Sex is a bonus at the end.
Not a starting point, nor a prerequisite.
I discovered this difference when I was writing my Dutch erotica, and to a lesser extend my erotic stories which I published in my diary Big.
They were never straight up sex stories: They all had some level of pain, sadness, or shame involved which in turn highlighted the pleasure and the intimacy.
But what I discovered when I was already over forty, was that my sexual preference didn’t just have to do with emotional depth.
It also contained four mental layers, kinks or preferences. Some of them I had to name myself, because I had never encountered them.
1.I m sapiosexual
A sapiosexual feels attracted to someone’s intellect, rather than their physical appearance. The reason I managed to miss this, was because the men I fell for were attractive, physically.
But in hindsight, I can vouch for all but one, that they were really smart.
The one I m not sure of was very young. There was so much going on between us. He triggered so many insecurities in me, that I was not paying attention to his intellect.
But I guess it’s safe to assume that only a very smart 19 year old can trigger a 36 year old erotica writer.
2.I am submissive
The reason I missed this, and I elaborated on that both in yesterday’s blog post Submission as well as the video I made about this, is because the word submissive is best known from SM relationships.
SM has a few characteristics that are very specific to SM. Such as pain, humiliation, punishment. And I m not into any of that.
But now I can say:
Absolutely, submissive to the bone.
If I need to be active, take initiative, need to pull out a box of tricks to make him want me? There’s no way that’s going to work.
Either you want me, and you say “Would you like to go out on a date with me?”.
“Want to come upstairs?”
“Care to take a shower together?”
All specific proposals that I can say No to, and that involve you running the risk of being rejected.
That’s the way it’s gotta be.
And you will be rejected at some point, and then only a true dominant knows how to respond gentlemanly.
3.I love consent play
It was tempting to place this under I am a submissive – but there is a nuance here. The dominant-submissive relationship means that the dominant takes responsibility for their time together.
He is the one who connects to the submissive to see what she needs today.
In consent play, they uplevel it, and she/ the submissive gets a chance to play No, when she means Yes.
They could do a role play in which he takes advantage of her, but he knows she’s enjoying it, because he’s so tuned in.
Or they just fantasize together, about what he’s going to do to her.
Whereas in SM the submissive agrees with the dominant, in consent play the submissive gets turned on from playing No.
It also requires a dominant who’s interested in playing on this boundary of her consent.
4. I m a mono-polygamist
Mono refers to that I like choosing one man. In theory I could choose two or three men, if I was in love with all of them and they with me.
It’s not a moral choice that I choose one man, excluding others.
It’s a preference because I like sharing myself with only one partner. It would be really difficult for me to have multiple relationships. Not impossible.
Poly, means that I want “my” man to have sex with other women.
This is related to the submissive thing: I need to be a WANT.
To feel wanted, a trait all submissives share.
And if I m the only one he has sex with, I feel I ve become a need.
I m not pro-open relationships, because of the talking that is involved. I think communicating about a relationship is highly overrated, let alone communicating about relationships he has with others.
I trust he has them in a way that pleases him.
End of story.
The only thing I ll do, every now and then, is let out a soft sigh, look into his eyes and say:
“What I like so much, is that I never know what you’ve been up to.”
And then he pulls me close, with a grin:
An unexamined life is not worth living
About this blog
Is the second chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 3: Submission
The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
My video series My Life in Bon Jovi songs is posted on my YouTube
My diaries en erotica are available at
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.
coming soon: new books
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.