For the cheaters, the promiscuous, and the polyamorous: You are loved and you are needed

God, that was just in time.
I honestly thought I would have to write about an entrepreneur who got all worked up about people needing to put their talents to use to serve others.
And then me getting all worked up about that.
There is a Dutch saying: “Acting from trying to do good, will lead to the ending of the world.”
But I was going to rant about the man’s limited (and dare I say protestant?!) take on Life, without quoting proverbs that do not hold up in translation.
Okay, I just deleted an entire paragraph of hostilities.
I was led astray by the devil, trying to tempt me talking about climate change and the number of children you can have and raise in a Western country, times their ecological footprint, and still claim your Life is in service of the planet.
But NO!
Go away you devil!
I will do MY THING!
What I came here to do on this earth.
Which is to provide clarity and a deeper understanding of sex and relationships.
So when this morning I saw a discussion about the acceptance of polyamorous women, on social media, I bettered my devious ways and jumped behind my computer for this, my purpose work.
Because work needs to be done!
Clarity needs to be given!
And I am not exaggerating when I say that this post has the potential to wipe all of society’s lack of appreciation for the polyamorous people from the table.
In a swift two-thousand word go.
Because why is it, that in 2019, we STILL treat polyamorous people as something that requires an explanation?
Getting in a 100K debt, requires an explanation.
Three divorces, requires an explanation.
Loving or having sex with multiple people, however?
Requires none!
No explanation to yourself, not to your partner, not to society.
And you can be as open or as secretive about it as you want.
Just like loving multiple people at once is something that is part of your own unique sexual makeup, so is your desire to talk about it, or to be open about it.
This is not how it works:
Person is honest about sex -> good person.
Person tells lies about sex -> bad person.
Providing we’re talking about two consenting adults, this is how it does work:
Person has sex or does not have sex, and may or may not be honest about that -> good person.
The flaw, the misconception, that is the basis of all misunderstanding and under-appreciation of polyamorous people, is the idea that they’re cheating.
Breaking the rules.
That having multiple partners, is something we’d ALL want!
That when given the chance, when we’re unleashed, we’d all be running around having sex with everybody.
And that monogamy is an agreement between two people, who suppress their sexual urges, and in exchange do not have to “suffer” the loose behavior of spouse or partner.
These are not one, but two wrong perceptions of reality!
The first, that we’d all run around having sex with everybody when given the chance.
And the second, that we are hurt when our loved ones are having sex with other people.
Both are so untrue it makes my eyes hurt.
It’s almost as untrue as the entrepreneur’s dogma that you have to use your talents in service of other people, or whatever it is you re doing is immoral.
It is the simplicity of thinking that is hurtful here.
NOT the act of the doers, in neither of the two cases:
It’s not the doers, the people who use their talents merely to please themselves, who are wrong.
Nor the doers, the people who “run around having sex with everybody”, who are wrong.
So if I despise this simplicity of thinking about polyamory, then what?
Starting with the myth that underneath our Christian upbringing we are all supposedly sexual omnivores:
Two points I want to make.
First off: Sex is NOT easy.
It is not something you “run around doing”. People need to actually want to have sex with you.
Just look at the whole Incel debacle to understand that wanting sex and getting it, are two different things.
To be an attractive sexual partner, requires impeccable social skills (and having fun using them!), and a capacity to focus, give attention, make the other feel loved.
And connected.
All skills that are highly sought after, and complex. Running around thinking with your dick or pussy, is not going to cover it, period.
Sexual relationships are upon our most complicated forms of human interaction, and they deserve to be credited as such.
The second thing that you need to have, and this is inborn I think, before you can enjoy having polyamorous relationships, is that you actually need to enjoy sharing yourself with multiple people.
I know because I am a mono myself, and I don’t want to share myself with more people.
In times of sexual scarcity, whether within my own relationship, or because I m single, I ll give it my best shot and try and be less picky.
And if I am ever in love with more than one man, and they both want me, I m not going to force that into becoming a mono-thing.
But that’s effort!
It (having multiple partners) would be a huge strain, not something that comes natural, and that I just wish the world would allow me to have.
So these two aspects already indicate that we’re not all polyamorous people underneath the Christian veneer.
Being successful as a polyamorist requires both the talent to manage these encounters or relationships, as well as an ability or preference to enjoy them.
Sex is NOT easy.
The other aspect or reason polyamorous people are called out to defend themselves, is that it is assumed they are “takers”.
They have to defend themselves because they are taking from “us” (the monogamous people), and they are hurting us.
If they are honest about it, and wave around the Polyamorous flag, then we can forgive them.
If they waved it soon enough, before we fell in love!
But if people do not come out as desiring or having multiple partners, then hunting season is open.
When the truth is, as stated before, they are just being themselves.
They cannot change who they are.
Like I said: It requires both skill and a preference for multiple partners to even be good at this whole multiple-partner game.
It’s not like you accidentally land your dick in somebody. On repeat.
Just ask any Incel.
But more importantly -and this is HUGE!!! – they’re doing us monos a favor.
Just imagine having two people, both monogamist pending asexual – like me.
Having a relationship.
Who s going to take care of the levels of sexual energy there?
The excitement?
The NOT knowing the other completely that makes sex so exciting and new?
No one, that’s who.
Put two monos together, and unless they both come with the predisposition of getting highly turned on at the romantic thought of their partner only sharing themselves with them?
Sex is going to die out.
Sex is going to die out in any classical, monogamous, long-term relationship, the moment your eyes do not light up at the thought of your partner being exclusive to you.
Which – by the way!!!- is something that you are also allowed to ask for if you yourself are not monogamous!
If you’re a polyamorist, but you get highly turned on by your partner being yours? Go for it.
Ask it.
Having a monogamous partner is not a reward for keeping it in your pants.
It’s a personal, sexual preference.
But I m drifting off.
I was talking about the pitfalls of monogamous relationships.
So the ONLY monogamous relationship that is ever going to work is this:
Both partners get turned on at the idea of sharing themselves only with that one partner. Like I get aroused sharing myself only with 1 man.
But also: Both partners get turned on at the idea of their partner only sharing themselves with them. Like Christian Grey in 50 Shades of Grey being aroused at the idea that Anastacia is his, and his alone.
If BOTH partners have these double monogamy preferences?
A long-term relationship can work brilliantly, and be sexually interesting for life.
In ALL other cases?
The batteries dying out is coded into the DNA of the relationship. Because SOMEBODY has to recharge the batteries.
SOMEBODY has to make sure there is sexual energy to share.
And if you’re both at home making lazy ass agreements “hu hu, we’re going to be faithful because we’re married and Christian and GOOD PEOPLE!”
But no one is going to recharge anything and your sexual spark is going to die out, while you re staring it in the face.
Totally unnecessary I might add.
You did it all yourself.
Because you demonized the polyamorous people.
The partners who would have taken responsibility for their sexual battery being charged, often without you knowing how they keep it in such mint condition.
They can be very discreet you know.
And then all you have to do, is appreciate them for it.
Trust your openly or dormant polyamorous partner and say the exact same thing I said, last time I saw my lover:
“You know what I love so much about you? That I have no idea what you’ve been up to.”
And I ve shared my fantasies with him.
That I would love to take care of him, after he has been with someone else.
If it’s someone he feels less familiar with than with me, anyway. (otherwise, these things would not be my task)
It’s a fantasy that has not come into fruition.
But it’s this:
That he comes home in the middle of the night.
So very tired, but satisfied. Hungry. Maybe slightly drunk.
And he’s had sex.
And I am allowed to take care of him.
Bathe him, feed him, put him to bed assuring him he is so special to me So deeply loved. And what I don’t say is that although he may feel really bad right now, kind of shaken, he has recharged our sex life.
Our batteries.
That this will profit us both, bring pleasure to us both, in this mono-poly relationship.
A unique agreement, in which we both only do things for our own pleasure.
But the Universe just works it all out in a way, that as we do that, we also take care of the other.
I of him.
And he of me.
Maybe that’s what I would tell that entrepreneur:
It’s impossible to know how you can be of service to others.
So don’t try to serve others.
Use your talents for your own pleasure instead.
Do the thing you CAN do, and that you’re gifted for.
Foreseeing how everything will fit together is a divine talent.
Not a human one.

An unexamined life is not worth living

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