In theory it could be a coincidence.
That me taking over management from the LS Harteveld accounts, so that our heroine could take her black leather backpack and ride off into the 90s sunset, was in NO WAY (and I will send her a note reminding her that this is not how we spelled or wrote in the 90s, so that she should keep it real in her diary) related to the cluster fck that was Thursday July 7th, 2020.
But it is all a little too coincidental to me.
I was very happy that after 16 years of being torn between how do I write my deepest darkest stuff, and communicate about it/ make it real and happening –
I had finally found my answer.
That since my pseudonym LS Harteveld had migrated to 1994 already last year, this provided a loophole.
First of all it was not a very successful project so far.
All kinds of things had been pulling Lauren back to the current day, the past 11 months.
With the C. crisis- she wanted to depart, forever and for good, but an invisible Force kept pulling her back.
Much to her frustration.
By appointing myself as “her” publisher, she can go to the 90’s for good, and I can finally start speaking about “my” work.
Which has never seemed “my” work, that’s why I needed the pseudonym. The work was so disconnected to everyday life.
There have been times in my life when I thought that I would ultimately only be LS Harteveld.
That Suzanne was a shell.
But now I know that shells can be extremely valuable, and indispensable.
Shells take your punches, they provide you shelter, a place to hide.
I know very well, LS Harteveld would never have survived without Suzanne keeping up the charade. And vice versa; Suzanne would never have survived the past 14 year without Lauren.
Maybe what I experienced today was loss.
Not of the thing I thought I was losing, when I started writing this blog post, but the loss of her.
The realization that ultimately, she doesn’t want to live here, and that she doesn’t need someone to protect her in 1995.
It’s a fantasy. An art project. She is fully in charge.
But the thing I lost today was the dream of starting a new career, here in 2020. Something entirely non-writing related.
I did not expect LS Harteveld to start writing until things were in full swing in her love life in 1995. Which could take a while, since that had bottomed out entirely in 2020.
She had few promising leads, with men.
So with her living her life “there” free of writing hours, and with me managing her accounts here and now looking for a new job, a new career, for daytime hours;
I thought it was pretty much sorted.
I thought this time management thing, where I had to divide my life between two lives 25 years apart, was done.
Until yesterday night, after taking over these accounts and deciding I would now “act” as Suzanne, and safeguard my pseudonym in 1995, I read a diary post Lauren wrote at the beginning of 1995 her time.
Early 2020 our time.
It was around midnight and this is what I read, at the end of that very long and stressful day, where for the first time since 2006, the first time Lauren and I had split and I had promised to take care of her work, I read this……..:
“After two days I decided enough was enough. I am only 22 years old, and I still have my life ahead of me. I took a piece of paper, and drew out what I wanted this year and also for the upcoming years. Just as Bear had done for his.
There were way too many blanks to my liking.
With whom was I going to make love?
In whom would I trust?
It was an incredibly lonely exercise, and I can’t say that I’m suddenly healed and looking to the future with hope and dreams.
But I will put one foot in front of another, and become a writer.
Alone if I have to.”
January 7, 1995 I remember when we met
For the first time I understood what my responsibility was. And what was hers. And that we still shared the same body, the same life.
Our fates were bound.
She, Lauren, the now 1995 version of “me”, had to find a way in 1995, to make her career as a writer happening at nighttime hours.
And use her free time for adventures, something to write about of course!
But I, Suzanne, am here to guard the gate, by making money AND taking care of the existing LS Harteveld legacy.
Okay, how do I make this clear:
– evenings are 1995: Lauren having fun or working on her career as a writer in 1995
– weekends are 1995: still having fun or analogue offline writing
This means that I, Suzanne, only have my workhours to make a living AND curate her/ Lauren’s books 2010-2020!
And this in turn means that ultimately the only thing that’s gonna work, is me being my own boss and turning selling books, for LS Harteveld as well as my own accounts, into my work.
There IS no other career.
That was a HOAX. FAKE NEWS.
I m never going to be fulfilled until I m a fulltime writer.
It wasn’t just Lauren’s dream.
It was ours.
publisher of LS Harteveld
Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren
Lauren’s books are currently still available at LULU
Disclaimer: Lulu has gone through a reorganization and covers do not display correctly. The spine of the book is displayed with the cover (after you ve clicked the description).
I have no idea how this plays out. I assume it will be fine, but I will not know until two weeks from now.
If they’re not alright, I will take all books offline and upload them later this year as second editions.
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.
coming soon: new books
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.