I think I knew, I just chose not to see it.
But of course, the moment I ended my business and knew I would get a job;
I knew LS Harteveld would have to be deleted.
Despite deleting all my work so that I can get a job, the positive thing is; I AM going all in on my writing.
Offline as Lauren Harteveld, writing from 1995.
Online as her publisher Suzanne and as a writer under my real name as well.
My goal is to have a full income from writing and speaking, being present online. So ultimately, I will be able to publish and keep online whatever I want!
Sure, I still might have a day job, if I enjoy it I could. But it would be a social luxury;
Not something I needed to do for the money, as it is now.
I think that is what is making today so incredibly hard; Knowing that if I had made more progress the last couple of years, end my yoga studio sooner, FOCUSED more, on becoming famous, rich, successful;
None of this would have been nessecary.
I would have been able to keep my online presence by blogging on the actual things, as they actually happened, including my adventures with secret lovers and yes God I still hope the day comes we have the S from plural in there.
But right now I m single.
I m “celebrating” my one year without sex this month. I didn’t even bother to look up the date, as if that would make it worse.
Maybe that’s why deleting all my work from the past 10 years feels extra passive aggressive. It’s not like I ve had anything remotely interesting to write about for the last 12 months. I might as well take a job, since I ve obviously not been using the privacy a life of a blogger has provided me.
With no men and no erotic stories, there is no reason to have these accounts.
The domains will stay, and I m sure I ll find something to write about.
I mean even something that’s not totally depressing.
It started last year with Lauren Harteveld travelling to the 90s.
Although I kept writing here, it was clear that my personal life including sexual adventures would only be experienced by “her”, and be written down in a fictional setting of a decade long gone.
Then a few weeks ago, I cut deeper: I would write these stories offline, and no longer publish them here.
Then I cut off one arm: I, Lauren, would not write anything online anymore, and leave permanently.
As a result, the Me under my real name stepped in, and she is now curating the blog, and saving all material for books.
And then she came to the inevitable conclusion that since no money was coming in from here, and Steps Into The World would have to be taken, all content had to be deleted.
That we, Lauren Harteveld “and” Suzanne, were not ever going to have colleagues find this blog, quoting diary entries in the canteen. If I include my original site, 500 blog posts will be deleted.
A body of work that could exist because it was shielded from the world.
Because only the people I knew very well and trusted, knew of this account.
They never asked me to explain anything.
They were my friends.
But I m no longer among friends.
Like I said: If I had worked harder, had been more successful, had taken my work as a writer more seriously and not wasted so much time on being a local yoga teacher – not held on to something that has ultimately cost me years of pursuing my real calling –
If I had done that, I would not be in this position.
I would have been free to keep online whatever it is I wanted, and not be locked up 40 hours a week with an ever changing team of colleagues and co-workers;
An extremely unsafe situation, that requires the highest levels of emotional security.
And I would not be voluntarily cutting off all my limbs.
Until there is just -literally – the body of work, in the form of printed books, and the head.
And a very thick and unpenetrable armor around it.
No wonder my sex life has ceased to exist.
I was forced to lock down a long time ago.
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
Books LS Harteveld/ Lauren
Lauren’s books are currently still available at LULU
Disclaimer: Lulu has gone through a reorganization and covers do not display correctly. The spine of the book is displayed with the cover (after you ve clicked the description).
I have no idea how this plays out. I assume it will be fine, but I will not know until two weeks from now.
If they’re not alright, I will take all books offline and upload them later this year as second editions.
New books will also be added to Lulu, as sites are being curated.
coming soon: new books
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.