Today was another day I spent curating work, some letters and posts up to 9 years old.
And I know this could be one of those mid-labor thingy’s where you’re like:
“I never want another child.”
Only to then get pregnant again within three years, but this is not a new thought.
The relationship between writing candidly about whatever I want, which were diary posts and other posts often directly linked to my own life, and not desiring to discuss them –
has been straining from the start which was 2006.
These are accounts under my real name (Suzanne),
where I will eventually even make all my LS Harteveld material available in print, but I have no idea when and I will stop all my LS Harteveld accounts.
So I will no longer communicate as her, just about her.
So although having a pseudonym was still functional at the beginning of the century, and even in the age of blogging –
With social media currently making the direct interaction with your readers the most valuable aspect, books and even blogging have become more of a sideshow.
You are in constant conversation with other people and you also write.
Whereas it used to be: you write first and then post it to social media.
Being a creator used to be the main reason to be on social media, but they’re social for a reason of course.
And I think by now it’s no longer nessecary, or perhaps even desirable really, to be a creator when you’re on social media.
Aside from maybe artistic expressions that are tailored specifically to the medium itself –
like Instagram has turned many of us into creators.
But that is different from the way I started, when writing and wanting to share it, was a completely legit reason to be on social media.
It’s kind of no longer that time anymore.
And because it is no longer that secretive who is behind an account, and because conversation about all sorts of topics, is part of what we do on social media, I have been moving gradually but now ultimately and decisively – to writing and speaking far less candidly, but under my real name.
This way I can keep writing and expressing myself.
But I don’t have to shy away from having a conversation about it.
So that is the reason I am cancelling all my LS Harteveld accounts, but I have considered staying “in business” with my books/ keep them available.
But I have decided I’m also cancelling all my books, and I had no less than SEVEN good reasons to do so:
1. software Update with the publisher
Lulu International had a change in software, which has many changes but one of them was that Dutch Lulu has been cancelled.
This means I no longer have a local customer service and my Dutch clients no longer have a Dutch user interface or customer service.
More importantly the update has made it unsure if my books are still printed the way they’re supposed to.
They’ve made some adjustments with the sizes, and the covers do not look good.
Staying “in business” as LS Harteveld would mean I would have to buy them all again, and check if they still come out okay.
2. I already quit writing about sensitive subjects and don’t really crave writing anything else (here)
Because writing has been straining for my love life, as well as all my other relationships, I had already decided I was going to quit writing about those matters.
The topics I write about under my real name, are far less personal.
So I had already quit being a writer of interesting things – it was only a matter of time before I realized that my pseudonym was only for the interesting things.
If I m no longer up for the job, there is no reason to stay.
3. email address and website
The books I have on Lulu.com have my old website address in there, as well as the email attached to it.
Also, the Lulu account itself uses my email address that is attached to it.
If I would keep my books available online, it would mean having to keep an email address/ website, and therefor still being “available” for feedback or to discuss the books.
In 2006 a pseudonym was a safe haven.
in 2020 social media have brought the writers and the rock stars right into your timeline;
Which is great!
But this really makes it pointless to have a pseudonym.
I don’t want to have a discussion about that work ever again, and want all websites gone.
Including the one mentioned on the first page of the book.
4. The Work is Too Painful
Like I said, I dug deep today.
Everybody I cared for, and written about the last decade, has migrated, moved on, or is out of my life. And it often went in a very painful manner.
Family has stayed of course – but I never discuss my work with them.
I read 10 years of unpublished work and I see FOR WHAT I did it.
Was it worth the price?
My collected work is like a war memorial, knowing how you’ve lost almost everybody. And I m not saying I want them back in my life. It’s just that the time I wrote about evenings with friends, have such a bitter aftertaste – I can’t publish those retrieved stories with the same love I did in 2017, when I published my 10 other books.
And even worse:
I can’t reread those 10 books without feeling the loss of everything and everyone I lost since 2017.
Which is why I m taking all my books on Lulu down.
If you still want them (at your own risk – like I said, they had a software update) you can buy them here.
5. I want to become a full-time speaker and writer
On the outside I m making this “get a normal job” move, which I AM serious about! But on the inside I know that especially then, I m going to need a creative outlet that allows me to express myself fully.
Something that is truly empowering, and counterbalances doing someone else’s work 40 hours a week.
When I get home at 6 I m going to need something that’s strong, fast, and takes immediate effect.
A secret diary about my love life, that I publish once every two or three years, when the first storm has blown over – oh no. That is really not going to cover it.
Last year I cancelled my LS Harteveld YouTube, because I knew I was going to be more visible under my real name and didn’t want conflicting YouTube channels out there.
But if I get a job, and have very little time – everything has to be on point, immediately.
I have no time to waste, spreading myself thin over two identities.
And when that other identity does catch fire, and I generate an income out of it, it becomes pointless too, to have this secret one still out there.
It’s a conflict of interest.
6. I can republish my books “under” my real name
Once I have closed down all my LS Harteveld accounts, and invited everybody who is interested in that, to follow me under my real name, I can publish my LS Harteveld work with my new publisher, or perhaps the same publisher but using an account that is directly tied to me (not to my lsharteveld email).
I can indicate this is curated work, from an account that no longer exists.
I will not reprint it with my “own” name on the cover;
Even the yoga book I still have here, The White Tigress yoga book, and which I could easily sell as being “mine” under my real name;
It’s written in the spirit of LS Harteveld.
Not in the spirit of who I am in daily life.
And last but definitely not least!
7. I ve moved to 1995
Lauren Harteveld has moved to 1994, now 1995.
You can read these posts here on this page for as long as this site is up.
In 1995, Lauren has a day job but she wants to be a writer.
By making being in 2020 my “job”, and giving Lauren her “writing career” after her work,
I m essentially making space for this project.
This blog post, the one you re reading now, was not supposed to happen.
Lauren should go to bed/ lights out at 23.00.
But I didn’t want to waste another day-
Tomorrow morning I want to wake up as Lauren, in 1995.
Then I get behind my desk and from 08.00 to 17.30 it is 2020.
And then after 17.30 her computer no longer has to email and social media, because it is 1995 again.
That’s why I wrote you now, on my Tuesday night.
Maybe that’s the key right?
Curating and publishing the work I/LS Harteveld created from 2010-2020, can be part of my day job- but the LS Harteveld who wrote from 2006-2020? She has moved.
She’s in 1995.
If we ever want to read the diaries she writes there, or firstly just give her the time and space to have an interesting life and some adventures after work, we need to set her free.
Meanwhile I, daytime me, invites you to join me on the Rock Star side.
~LS Harteveld/ Lauren/ Suzanne
As long as this site is up, my books will be available.
At your own risk – like I said, they had a software update – you can buy them here.
These are accounts under my real name (Suzanne)