I’m not writing this because I’m discarding my plan to become the first Dutch author who is internationally successful writing in English.
I m not writing it because I don’t have plans for the future.
I m not even writing it to ward off all the well meant advice that immediately has me wanting to kill myself, from “I have the perfect job for you”,
to “Why don’t you start taking yoga classes again, after giving them for 15 years.”
I m writing it because I am the first to forget how bad I m really doing and am so eager to move on.
When the truth is I shouldn’t plan on doing anything -not editing my books (I had one LS Harteveld and three under my real name planned), not writing these blog posts, not moving house to something smaller, not becoming famous, not getting a small job, NOTHING
Until I sleep again for at least four weeks in a row.
Until the pain in my chest stops.
Until the crying stops.
Until I haven’t thought about killing myself for at least a whole week.
That’s when I can start making plans.
No sooner.
<3LSH An unexamined life is not worth living
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tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!
Summer 2008 I started writing in English. Dutch American Diary
This diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.
Als je Nederlands bent is De Candystop een aanrader.
Dit dagboek speelt enkele jaren later, maar er komen minstens evenveel mooie mannen in voor.
En veel beroemder.
Het Boek Benjamin € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.
Mango €15
coming of age novelle
22 erotische verhalen € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
Witte Tijgerin €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie
I wish I had a quote at hand, to mark the occasion.
Something deep and meaningful, that would put me flushing a fifteen year long career down the drain, into perspective.
Although: “Done!” would probably suffice.
It’s strange how long it can take before you realize half an income as an entrepreneur is actually worse than no income at all.
At least if there was none, it would be clear nothing is coming, right?
Now I invested (can I say wasted, or is that too cynical?) years reinventing my business and myself.
Just to be clear:
The reason I quit teaching is that I’m prioritizing writing and publishing books. And in order to do that, I need money coming in.
Ideally, I would have that coming in from writing the books, but if that’s not the case I don’t have time for extra hobbies.
Writing is my hobby.
Once it starts paying the bills, I can start adding extras -such as teaching yoga, marketing and mindset – but until my Harteveld Bestseller Revenues start pouring in, I don’t have anything to spare.
Least of all time.
That having said, the result of this pragmatic choice is that this morning, for the first time in 15 years, I woke up not being a yoga teacher.
And much to my surprise, I find myself being excited about this!
Here’s my top three things I look forward to, now that I am no longer a yoga teacher.
3. writing
Duh, right?
But I had not anticipated this almost child-like excitement.
I now “officially” have permission to write a blog post here, in English, every day, for the rest of my life. Because I no longer own a “real” business that is making money.
Blogging here will be the number one thing I do every day.
On a little side note:
I ll be going on a little trip this week.
It’s just a few days, but I do not own a laptop and intend to keep it that way. I always use precious days away from home to get inspired.
So no writing. My next blog will be Friday, earliest.
2. Real holidays and nights off
I haven’t had a holiday since 2014. Much of it had to do with the cats, who were both sick in their final years and needed me home.
But aside from that, for a yoga business the two classic holidays, Christmas and summer, are two seasons you bust your ass off to ensure that in January and September new students will be signing up for your courses.
Oh, and then there’s the summer season as a whole, where you still pay for your studio, yet can’t offer your full program.
At least I couldn’t.
So you’re basically partially unemployed for two months of the year.
And to have my nights off!
Oh, I so look forward to that.
From now on, it will pay off to go to bed early, because I don’t have nights where I m not home before 10.30 PM anyway; And therefor not in bed before 11.30 PM because I have to unwind first.
Being a morning person, working nights made it impossible for me to optimize my sleep-work-leisure schedule.
1. yoga!!
Trust me, no one is as surprised about this one as me.
Yesterday (before I made the decision to quit) I had even made my peace with the fact that if I wanted to start taking care of my body, with yoga and or fitness, I would do well making peace with the fact that I absolutely hated doing it.
And to simply commit to do it, without expecting to like it.
But the moment I knew I never had to teach another class in my life, if I didn’t want to, I felt a liberating shift.
Suddenly there was so much space.
Including space to enjoy the practice of yoga, which I had started dropping out of the moment I started teaching it.
I m so incredibly happy!
A famous saying from Elizabeth Gilbert is:
“Don’t let your creativity pay the bills.”
She could have said the same thing about yoga.
<3LSH An unexamined life is not worth living
Subscribe to this daily blog to find out if I actually end up a pious yogi.
Including getting the size 6 body that went with it…..
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tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!
Summer 2008 I started writing in English. Dutch American Diary
This diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.
Als je Nederlands bent is De Candystop een aanrader.
Dit dagboek speelt enkele jaren later, maar er komen minstens evenveel mooie mannen in voor.
En veel beroemder.
Het Boek Benjamin € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.
Mango €15
coming of age novelle
22 erotische verhalen € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
Witte Tijgerin €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie
If being a hoe has taught me anything in this life, it’s that all of your pain can be turned into pleasure. Paige Owens (18+) on Twitter
When I lay awake in bed last night, (again) and I was suffering from pain in my chest (again); I made the resolution that from this day forward, till death do me part (and I hoped me doing this was going to seriously postpone that) put self-care first.
And I was going for RADICAL self-care!
Like William Dafoe!
I would be getting up every morning, do a two hour yoga practice, and that was it.
Everything else I got done that day would be a bonus.
But despite real yogis I knew I wouldn’t practice on an empty stomach, and needed breakfast and then coffee.
And I always crawled behind the computer with my coffee to write a post, which took me two to four hours.
It had usually been a blog post for the yoga studio because my focus on making money as LS Harteveld (and therefor doing daily messaging as LS Harteveld) was only a few days old.
But regardless of the account (yoga studio or LSH), writing in pj’s was of course not proper self-care!
So last night I got the idea to start writing the tiniest LS Harteveld sales post, while drinking my AM Latte Macchiatos.
No more lengthy blog posts.
And then I’d do the William Dafoe, and I would live happily and pain free and wildly successful ever after.
I wondered if I would just write the sales post on Facebook?
And then repost it to Twitter?
Or would I be missing out on sales, because people didn’t want to click a Facebook link?
Was I was better off creating blog posts?
And I knew I would ultimately want to collect them!
Like a diary.
Not that I intended to publish a real book with a year of sales posts, of course not. But soon enough they would turn into really great stories that I had not told anywhere else, and then I would be uncomfortable with the idea that they were only on Facebook.
If I wanted to save myself from copy-pasting backwards through my TL, 30 days from now or something, I was better off to immediately publish the sales posts in a blog.
So they were archived.
Meanwhile it was 3 AM, and I was angry that despite me having prioritized writing/ making money from LS Harteveld this week – a commitment I would keep for the rest of my life – I was still suffering the pain in my chest.
I thought that the chest pains had been caused by feeling a pressure to make money with my yoga business; or to make money as a business mentor.
Now that I had decided to focus on writing, and on selling books, I had expected the heart pains to magically disappear.
I did stop having suicidal thoughts and crying, the moment I had vetoed to ever do anything with my cognitive skills/ with my degree/ or even to ever perform emotional labor again.
Yet I didn’t understand why my body was still throwing pain tantrums, when clearly there was nothing to worry about.
Because this was the plan:
option 1.
Write, sell books, have hobby yoga studio, get new cats
Teaching yoga classes is the ideal leisure, to compensate for being behind my desk all day. I was positive that when I became a famous author, I would want to have that studio to stay connected to all the friends I was teaching there.
And that I, a stay at home writer, would get new cats in 2019, after my apartment had been renovated.
I didn’t know when I would start making a living selling books, but I did know I would have to let the studio go, if it took too long.
Which is why there was an alternative plan.
option 2.
Write, sell too few books, cancel yoga studio, downsize life to minimum income level, get a job as a janitor, work 40 hours a week, write at night to stay sane, don’t take cats, lose social life, become lonely, no complaining because so many people have obligations next to their 40 hour job
Two options! This was an actual plan!
And of course the second option was less attractive than the first, but surely no reason to get a heart attack right?
the persistent pain in my chest could also be caused by a hidden backup plan, working title:
under the bridge with a bottle of red wine
In this third option, I had continued the yoga studio just a little too long, downsized insufficiently, or I had not managed to get a job as a janitor.
In that scenario I would end up homeless and with nothing to show for, writing in paper notebooks I carried with me, and with limited to no options to get any posts out into the world.
Maybe they would be released after I died, maybe not.
Still suffering from insomnia I realized I needed to prioritize self-care. I bet William Dafoe slept great, and technically he wasn’t making any commitments to acting or creating other sources of income either.
I was convinced that if I focused on doing my daily yoga practice, I too would be able to sleep, and I would stop suffering from pain in my chest. But since it was a pretty ungodly hour for yoga, I decided to masturbate instead.
click the photo for the post A Porn Star Love Life; which I wrote exclusively about Steve Holmes. And it made him blush. (!!)
So I went onto Twitter, to the TL of Steve Holmes.
Steve Holmes is my favorite porn actor, and unlike Facebook, Twitter lets you (and Steve) post EVERYTHING.
I don’t have to download or Google or pay: I can get aroused just browsing the promotional gifs, trailers and clips on Steve Holmes’ TL.
And from there I clicked to Paige Owens:
one of the actrices Steve had worked with.
And between all the porn (enough to ensure I would have no trouble getting off masturbating in a sec) I found this tweet from her:
And I stopped.
Of course, she was right.
OF COURSE!
This was my specialty. This was what I was all about. This is why, although I had not heard from my lover Mr.Big for a while, I liked him not contacting me as much as I liked it if he did.
The pain of loneliness made the pleasure of seeing him, so much sweeter.
Just like sex, where pain makes the pleasure more intense. I knew I had the same fetish in life as well, but I had not realized until Paige’s tweet that I needed this.
That I would rather suffer heart pains at night, than to live a balanced life.
I didn’t need sales posts and a steady income selling books.
I didn’t need a two hour yoga practice.
For me as a writer, a submissive, a pain junkie;
I needed that pain in my chest as much as I needed tough love from Mr.Big.
I closed Twitter, masturbated, and slept like a baby.
<3LSH An unexamined life is not worth living
subscribe to this daily blog to find out if I end up a millionaire or a million miles down the hill; or follow Twitter ; or Facebook
Want to know exactly how much tough love Mr.Big Has Given me?
You can buy my book Big diaries and erotica
in my book shop.
It opens with the story “The Biggie”; about my first time anal sex.
Als je Nederlands bent is ook 22 erotische verhalen een aanrader!
Je kunt deze kopen in mijn Lulu shopje;
of bij de Feeks in Nijmegen.
De Feeks verstuurt ook.
Om 22 erotische verhalen, met heeel veel tough love,
bij de Feeks te kopen scroll naar beneden.
Het Boek Benjamin € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.
Mango €15
coming of age novelle
22 erotische verhalen € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
Witte Tijgerin €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie
It took me over an hour to come up with this title.
And that’s including Googling if it was “to become” or “to becoming”.
Only to then find that even native English speakers have trouble with that one, and that I had done it correctly. If I hadn’t, I would have felt even more self-conscious claiming this insanely high income goal, writing in a language that’s not mine.
But I would have pushed through.
No more backing down because it has never been done before.
No more buying into my limiting beliefs, or someone else’s scarcity stories a.k.a. well-meant yet soul crushing advice.
From now on I ll have you expelled from my circle of friends, if you don’t understand that I d rather end up homeless than to put my brain up for hire for anything else than doing my purpose work.
That’s why I added: “writing whatever the fuck I want”
So I wouldn’t waste time thinking about offers or ideas that were kinda what I wanted. Things I wouldn’t mind…
Like having a profitable yoga business.
Being a successful business mentor for other writers, artists and entrepreneurs.
Or even speaking gigs.
I would love those things, and I ll gladly keep them on as hobbies. But this 5 year goal is about PRIORITIZING. It’s about realizing that it’s better to be living hand to mouth, but with your goal clearly visualized;
Than it is to make €36.000 annually losing sight of what really matters.
The 7-figure income goal is not cumulative.
It means my annual revenues in 2023 are a million or more; from WRITING whatever the fuck I want.
The reason I capitalized the word writing, is because for personal development authors it’s so easy to get distracted spreading yourself too thin by using too many different media to promote yourself.
And so easy to get tempted into developing multiple income streams doing other things than writing. This is because we see ourselves as personal development entrepreneurs; not writers.
And that’s a mistake.
Which is why I made a not-to-do list.
MY NOT TO DO LIST
Here are three activities/ income streams/ promos that I ve come to realize, are just not going to work for me.
And why.
NOT TO DO #1: promoting MYself using Instagram/ YouTube/ live streams
I have a YouTube channel, and I m not going to say I ll never create another video; But it’s not going to be part of my daily messaging, weekly content or whatever.
So on the subject of writers using different media to share their message I m gonna say this (cover your ears, gonna shout)
WRITERS NEED READERS
IF YOU PREFER VIDEOS AND PHOTOS
YOU RE NOT A READER
AMEN
Sorry about that.
Keep in mind I m the one with the YouTube channel, who needs to hear this most.
Just saying.
NOT TO DO #2: Public Speaking and Conferences
Sure!!!
I m not saying I ll never promote myself. If I just released a book I put a year of my life in, I ll go on tour and everything.
But this is old-school promotion, where you have a brief period of campaigning.
Nowadays most personal development writers are also speakers, who speak on conferences and events and this can take on a life of its own.
I can see myself giving book readings and interviews to promote book sales: but my 7 figure income is not going to come from charging 100K for a day.
I’m not going to be the Tony Robbins of mistresshood.
NOT TO DO #3: selling online Programs or coaching
This is basically number one and two combined: motivational videos with a price tag are an online course;
If you do it in a private Facebook group it’s an online program or Mastermind group;
If you coach 1-on-1 online (worldwide) you have ticket prices ranging up to over $100K for a year of premium coaching.
Online coaching and online programs are even more profitable than public speaking.
But there is no such thing as a quick buck.
Setting up and running an online business, will be totally draining for a writer.
If you love writing, or provide any other service (like teaching yoga) my advice is to put a hard limit on creating an online business, before the devil seduces you.
Hashtag done.
watering the bamboo tree
My title for this five year project stems from a Les Brown video that is both encouraging, as well as disheartening.
So disheartening that I considered omitting it, and changing the title for something that ensured results a little bit faster.
For example a 6-figure income in one year.
The story Les Brown talks of, is about the Chinese Bamboo “tree”, which takes 5 years of daily watering and fertilizing. But once it breaks through the ground, it shoots up to ninety feet in five weeks.
The lesson being:
If you work on your dreams, you may have nothing to show for, for the first five years.
But keep watering it.
Keep fertilizing it.
Every day!
Despite what people are saying; despite having nothing to show for it.
Never stop! Keep going!
For five years with nothing to show for if you must.
Because once you break through the soil;
you will shoot up to the sky in five weeks.
Want to grow your own money tree?
For the next five years, I ll be sharing my watering schedule, fertilizing secrets and other daily habits that will ensure the Chinese Bamboo grows into a 7-figure income.
The subscribe button should be somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
And you can get to know me better by through my erotica and diaries at my new improved shop (English books, might have to scroll down)
Het Boek Benjamin € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.
Mango €15
coming of age novelle
22 erotische verhalen € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
Witte Tijgerin €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie
I’m not going to bother you with the details!
But suffice to say that within four days I went from in tears, desperate, and on the verge of accepting my “dream job” (which was somebody else’s dream job, obviously) –
and for the purpose of this story it’s worth mentioning that at this stage I was convinced I needed a second lover to complete my life-
to deliriously happy choosing writing and speaking as my life’s purpose, and treating my brain to a “not for sale nor hire nor rent” sign.
All my cognitive skills would from now on be reserved for writing.
I was no longer a brain for hire.
Not even if my life, or income, or financial means were dependent on it.
I just wasn’t available for that anymore.
I did have one safety measure in my plan to conquer the world with my writing: I was going to write, speak, sell under two different names, in two different languages, and about two vastly different subjects:
My Dutch account would be about marketing and sales techniques for small business owners.
And my English work would be about mistresshood, and how to be a good mistress.
But I just realized those two things are EXACTLY the same!
That although I still intend to publish a book The Daily Mistress Confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
here on this account LS Harteveld.
As well as * insert some flashy title on marketing and sales for small business owners * under my real name.
It simply has to end with me writing a book, combining the lessons of both!
Because they’re exactly the same!
Out of the top of my head, here are three ways in which marketing and sales use techniques and principles to becoming magnetically attractive to the opposite sex.
1. standing your ground
This is probably the most important piece of advice I can give anyone active on any market; whether it’s dating, teaching yoga or professionally trimming the bushes.
Oh.
That came out all wrong.
But you get what I mean: clients and potential partners need you to radiate self-esteem, because it shows you know what you’re doing. It makes them feel safe.
Lowering your price or other standards, indicates you’re unsure of yourself.
That’s why it all starts with standing your ground.
2. long-term Connection
This is HUGE!
And it’s actually a fairly new principle in marketing, that originates from people using social media. Because social media will make a hit-and-run sale practically impossible, long-term focus has become a must.
And this goes for relationships too.
Now that it’s so easy to “out” strangers you slept with on social media, the “Know, Like, and Trust Factor”- the corner stone of marketing- has become crucial in selecting bed partners as well.
If you lead someone on, not revealing you’ll run after one night or already have a partner or whatever, you’ll have that blowing up in your face on social media in minutes.
So flirting and selling start by building something that’s meant to last regardless if the outcome is a sale/ sex/ a marriage/ whatever.
It’s the dreaded friend zone (between men and woman) and the “freebie” hunter- stage, that will drive any online-entrepreneur crazy, that you simply MUST learn to enjoy!
If you can’t accept a relationship without scoring, and you keep pushing for more?
You lose.
It really is that simple.
Either you can be the classic used-car sales man, using sleazy techniques to push someone into buying. Or you can be a modern used-car sales man who writes his private number on his business card and says:
“I understand you need to be careful where you spend your money. If you’re considering buying somewhere else, I can come take a look for you. It’s a free service, I just want you to be fully happy with what you’ve bought.”
Guess which one will get raving reviews, friends telling friends, and people throwing credit cards at them?
And can you see how someone being friend-zoned has the possibility to rise?
As long your presence in the friendship comes from what I said at 1:
high self-esteem and don’t lower your standards.
Taking things slow and enjoying the client or relationship at any stage, is key number two to becoming magnetically attractive.
3. focus on your client/ date
This is what separates the men from the boys. And the mistresses from the wives, I’d say.
Because this type of sensitivity is actually giving someone your FULL attention. Which will make them feel so loved. And it’s actually feels pretty awesome to give as well.
It’s the best thing ever.
Here’s how it works:
In order to give someone your full attention, you have to look at someone with true empathy and only focus on how you can help them and have a good time together.
There is zero room for your ego, of wanting to be exclusive, or to be the best in your business, and so on. You are one hundred percent focused on serving your client or date; you’re not pushing your own agenda.
This is of course not something you’re going to keep up 24/7
Which is why you must only meet/ contact/ show up selling when you feel good in your own skin and are able to connect with the other person.
It’s now Thursday afternoon, and despite the pleasure it’s been to write this I realize I ve run out of time already!
I should have left half an hour ago.
Maybe that’s the biggest lesson marketing can teach the dating industry:
Resources are scarce.
And your reputation fragile.
Don’t waste them.
Het Boek Benjamin € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.
Mango €15
coming of age novelle
22 erotische verhalen € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
Witte Tijgerin €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie
Today I was having a bit of a scatter-brain-day;
It was raining which sabotaged my plans to go for a walk.
And by the time it was dry my day had been so unsatisfactory that I didn’t give a fuck about walking anymore. I just wanted to get shit done. Because I had spent the unwelcome extra hours indoor pondering questions like:
“Hmmm? Should I perhaps take that coaching training? Learn that skill? Work that job?”
Only to then conclude: OF COURSE THE FUCK NOT.
And got completely lost in trying to make money, saving myself, and sticking to my newborn dream. Which at times, I completely forgot about.
I felt like a parent forgetting they just had a child.
Shameful.
Your PURPOSE comes by and that’s how easily you’re offtrack?
Really?
And a nasty voice in my head even wanted to convince me, I might as well take the easier road then, to a life where the bills are paid.
“Since apparently, your dream is not that important to you anyway.”
But of course it is very important to me. It’s just that if three days ago you still thought of yourself as a yoga teacher, and now you know that your future is to become a sprinter/ athlete; you need time to adjust.
I have caught myself making a gagging sound, if Facebook suggests a yoga post to me, that’s how much I ve completely had it with all of yoga. Which doesn’t mean I don’t see myself doing yoga anymore. I just might! Once I ve completely distanced myself from it, anything can happen.
But right now, I m in the: “I can’t believe we let this drag on for so long”-phase.
And it’s just a little hard for me to stay the course, the vision is still so new! It’s not ingrained yet.
But it’s there.
Of course it’s there!
So when I had wasted the good part of my day grasping at straws and not getting any closer to feeling better, I decided I needed to reconnect with my dream. No matter how vague it was. No matter how discouraging, that I had not heard yet from the number one organisation that I was relying on for help.
But this was not their dream.
I wanted to become a sprinter, an athlete over forty. And I was going to monetize that as soon as possible: It was my dream.
And I was going to build it alone, and with my bare hands if I had to.
So I Googled on the psychology of sprinting.
First I encountered a lot of articles on psychology when training sprinters. Which wasn’t what I was looking for, but it did gave me an article that unexpectedly moved me to tears.
It turned out that ever since the eighties, running was explained with the spring model: The idea that like a pogo stick the body compresses like a spring, and then releases, producing an upward and forward running motion.
They kind of vaguely knew that the sprinters had “more of a spring” in their step, but no one knew why.
Until in 2014 science showed that elite sprinters were not working on the pogo stick mechanism.
Elite sprinter aggressively kicked the ground!
The technique was the same among all of the elite sprinters, and not present among any of the other sports men and women who participated in the study.
Like I said it brought tears to my eyes. I was like: “I fucking knew it.”
It resonated with me, because I knew I had denied my own ability to aggressively kick the ground. I had started to believe that what I instinctively did (immediately push back in the blink of an eye!) was wrong, immature, dangerous even. As adults we were supposed to endure. Both in the sense of negativity/ bad things happening to us, as well as that we endured on our quest to get what it was that we wanted.
We didn’t just hit it in the head!
It was as if that sole sentence, that the sprinters kicked the ground, brought up all the strength-and-aggression shaming I had experienced all my life. Or at least had experienced until I had pushed it so far down that I forgot it existed. And becoming a yoga teacher became as good a job as any, since I wasn’t allowed to show my strength anyway.
I was way too fucking dangerous.
I was out of control.
Not civilized.
Might as well go to sleep then.
And I did.
My profile photo on my personal page on Facebook is one where I am asleep, and I have participated with that photo in a bunch of professional groups. Vaguely aware that this would be a good time to switch it for something more professional. And I also wondered why I was so attached to keeping it up.
And I realized the sleeping beauty picture was because that was how I saw my life:
“This is how much I engage in life. It’s safest for everybody. You don’t want to wake me up.”
I was not keeping myself small; I was fully absent. I was literally refusing to participate in life, refusing to show my true self.
Maybe the gagging sounds to the Facebook ads were simply me waking up. And was me not so much loathing yoga, but my own flaky attitude. That I had actually let them win, and coiled back up into hiding between the yoga mats for twenty fucking years, where I wouldn’t hurt anyone.
Not even the ground underneath my feet.
It reminds me of how I ve viewed working for a boss. I have always assumed everybody hated that. That it was simply a necessary evil if you wanted certain perks and benefits. But that you were handing in your declaration of independence in exchange for your contract.
I assumed everybody saw it like that.
Just like I assumed everybody’s first instinct was to push back!
But that they had chosen for the perks associated with being civilized.
Later I did found the article I was looking for. On the psychology of sprinters versus marathon runners. It was a selection method they applied in World War 2, in the UK air force. The ones with a sprinter attitude operated the planes that were to take off within minutes, and only had enough fuel and bombs for sixty minutes of battle.
The ones with the mental makeup of marathon runners were stationed on planes as a team, and their time in battle could last up to eight hours.
The article ended with the I expect supposedly soothing conclusion, that it required both psychological traits, to be a balanced personality. That to be either/or was a sign of Schizophrenia.
But I wasn’t listening. The previous article had already showed me where I needed to my life to go.
Move as fast as you can.
Go alone.
And don’t forget to kick the ground.
Like the fast track?
My life changes as lightning speed.
The Follow button is somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
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Mango €15
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literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
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It’s already after 10 pm on a Saturday night.
If I go to bed in 90 minutes or so, heart pains and maybe even anxiety will be my fate.
Because I broke rule number one today:
Do your art every day.
And I broke rule number two as well:
do 15 minutes of intense physical work-out, such as interval training or sprint training.
And by writing this blog post, I am cutting that back to breaking only rule number two. But I am breaking rule number three:
Never do number 1 or 2 after 8pm.
So even though I ll have a better feeling about today, writing is no ensurance that I ll sleep.
Just that lying awake and suffering will not be for nothing.
Rule number 1 for creative souls: Art comes first
I can already hear my own objections to this:
What if people have regular jobs?
What if they have to choose between art and sleep?
And so on.
I get it.
And those things are totally cool. Look at me: even though I had the entire day to myself, I engaged in so much walks and relaxation (assuming I didn’t need to create today) yet tonight I have the choice between lying awake all hyped up because I wrote at night time; or lying away because my thoughts are forcing me to put them on paper, so that they can develop themselves further around this topic of How To Live Life.
But the idea to put art first goes way further than just preventing insomnia: Not creating art, makes me hate everything.
The last three days, I ve been on the verge of completely shutting down my yoga studio and my career as a yoga teacher. Twice. Both days I didn’t write for this account LS Harteveld.
I did write copy for my yoga studio, but it is astonishing how unfullfilling that is even if I do like writing there.
But I need THIS.
I need to open a blog post, and not having a fucking clue what it will be about.
If it’s about porn and I get a RT from a porn star I get read by hundreds.
And Friday night’s post was read by six people.
And that too, is totally cool.
Because I write for me. My art is a mandatory daily activity in order to function in the normal world. Even on days that I think it’s not a necessity! On my fifty minute walk through the park, I was so caught up thinking about starting track training, and the psychology of that (leaping, sprinting, high jumping) that I thought:
“This is so funny. I usually have to write if I have so much going on in my head. But this development of me thinking about yoga and athletics is so totally unrelated.”
Oh, yeah. Sure. How the hell did I buy into that story?
OF COURSE I had to write about it. Would have served me well if I had realized that immediately. Instead of waiting until after 10 pm thinking:
“Fuck! I m not able to wind down! I need to release my thoughts or I won’t be able to sleep!”
And meanwhile I had almost pulled the plug on my yoga studio, that’s how unhappy I was with my entire life.
–> HATING YOUR LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T PUT ART FIRST<–
And this has huge implications!
Because I don’t know about you, but my blog posts can take up to four hours to write. You can’t squeeze that in before your 9AM appointment.
yet my advice is still to practice your art daily, simply to avoid starting to hate your day job. Not practicing your art will have you projecting your feelings of dissatisfaction onto your job, your kids, or even onto art itself.
Take care of your art.
Regardless of how many things you have to cancel, or drop out of, in order to make that happen: the ramifications of not doing it, are far worse.
Knowing you did your art will make you sleep like a baby.
Rule number 2 for creative souls: Exercise
I just shared a bit about my current obsession with track training.
Sprint.
Leap.
And aim high.
I m already at the point where I believe that how you exercise is how you live.
Or how you think you should live.
I roughly estimate that half of adults either do no exercise or walk or cycle:
their routine is a direct extension of their life, which is calm or even stagnated, in the case of not exercising.
Then there’s a large group who play games!
Read: like groups and competition.
But the largest group do common sports like: distance running, cycling, cardio, fitness, classes at the gym, interval training.
All forms of working out that train your endurance, and ability to deal with chronic stress and often create circumstances where you can go into some state of trance.
But the percentage of people who do sports where you can just feeeeel the excitement, is extremely small:
Surfing.
Fencing.
Boxing.
Dancing.
Maybe it’s me, but I m guessing that as an artist you will feel way more inspired to pick up one of those up, than repetitive, predictable sports.
And there is a reason for this too!
Because you know what?
The reason you are even prone to insomnia in the first place, is because everything about being an artist is unpredictable and disruptive. That is the very nature of creative energy: you are leaving the ground, lifting off, trusting that one hour, or four, or one day from now, you’ll land safely.
But you’re not sure.
Your whole life could change during the time you’re creating your painting, writing your blog posts, designing your choreography or whatever you do. You could come out an entirely different person, and yet that’s the thing you put yourself through every day. So most of all, you need to do sports that totally occupies you, fascinates you, and that inspires you.
But that’s not what I said right?
I defined it as doing something to get your heart rate up for fifteen minutes.
The reason I put emphasis on that, is that when you create your art, you are letting creative energy, Life, flow through you.
That is MASSIVE.
And you do it with your awareness in your work. Or some other astral plane.
I ve often joked, that my computer sucks my soul in it, when I m writing. And holds it hostage until after I hit publish. My body needs to go without my soul for however long it takes for me to finish the post.
And even if I do manage to create an experience that is not zombiefying, I still notice the fast, shallow breathing; the higher heart rate.
Your body is going through hell having to channel all that creative energy!
You will want that body trained, and being able to deal with pressure and stress. So even if your sport of choice would be yoga (to name just one!) I would urge you to throw in something intense as well, that will keep you strong and push your limits.
And of course physical exercise is the number one remedy to avoid insomnia.
3. Don’t do 1 or 2 after 8 pm
But you already knew that one right?
It’s midnight now…
So I guess there is a fourth rule.
4. If it’s after 8 pm, improvise and hope for the best.
LEAP Baby
Are you joining me, on this track?
Like I said, I intend to write every day because of rule number 1.
The Follow button is somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
You can buy my erotica and diaries at my new improved shop (English books, might have to scroll down)
Het Boek Benjamin € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.
Mango €15
coming of age novelle
22 erotische verhalen € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
Witte Tijgerin €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie
My love for action movies. Where I sport the “pizza and sex attitude” that even when they’re bad, they’re still pretty good; Me attending all Guns N Roses concerts when I was still in my teens. And brainwashing myself with their records. Year after year, until eventually they broke up.
Last year, when they played the Netherlands, I started listening to their music again. And realized I had been so deprived of this type of energy, I forgot it was a basic need. Half a year prior to last year’s Guns N Roses concert, I had the same response to discovering business coach Kat Loterzo/ Katrina Ruth. I ran into her Facebook ad and started following her online in December 2016. Soon I was buying her programs and sucking up every second of her YouTube channel, as if my life depended on it. And maybe it did!
Because no one seemed to understand that this totally badass woman was giving me what can only be described as a deeply spiritual experience. I could literally feel my energy being ELEVATED! And unlike every other person I’ve brought Katrina Ruth to the attention, my response was not to resist, to judge, nor to look away or get irritated. But total fascination and immediate recognition.
Katrina Ruth was mirroring something that had been hiding very deep inside of me. She’s setting an example, that if you let the energy of life flow through you, you become one with Life itself. Messy, powerful, unpredictable, and triggering as fuck. Yes! But also absolutely fucking limitless.
I couldn’t understand that my friends were not equally fascinated by her, but could see that they were not of ill will. They simply couldn’t digest it. It was waaaay to intense!
So seven months after I met her, Guns N Roses came for their first concert, and I reconnected to their raw energy. I intended to keep listening to their music but dropped out of it. And this week Guns N Roses played again, and it was during that concert that I had a powerful flash back to me as a teen long jumping and sprinting on the tracks. Untrained. Smoking. It was just a sports class from school, and we only went to the tracks once. But I was the fastest girl!
Contemplating my life for three and a half hours listening to heavy guitars, brought me back to that speed. That feeling of being amazed at how powerful I was! And I knew this was what I had been looking for. That sprinting, leaping, and jumping high, were skills I longed for both mentally as well as physically. I was about to become an athlete.
I knew it must have seemed unlikely, that this out-of-shape, bored, frustrated, yoga teacher who had just put her studio through transit from teaching groups to privates (so that I could keep the energy higher!) was going to shift gears even further. I could see myself after a race in a sticky tank-top, all explosive muscle, sweaty, panting, looking for the coach who had clocked my time. This was the new me. No question about it, this was my future.
Now of course, I resisted it. I had already gotten used to the idea that I was now a private yoga teacher, and that my job would be to study more yoga and get better at that; but sixteen hours after the concert I knew there was no going back. I had to do this.
Seeing a business opportunity, I chose to go all in and immediately started investigating everything I needed to know about hiring professional trainers, mapping out a memberships program, contacting the official organization who manage all the legislation, diplomas, and regulations for renting tracks as a commercial organization.
Since I suspected it could be a bit of a problem, if I was going to make my business model in an area that was used to getting subsidized. They were probably not even allowed to exploit the tracks commercially. So I did all my desktop research and today I went out into the real world, and bought my first pair of sports shoes. I could already feel my heart pumping with excitement, seeing their indoor minitrack to test the shoes! But just like none of my classmates had liked Guns N Roses; And none of my entrepreneur friends Katrina Ruth; And none of my girlfriends action movies; The shoe salesman predicted the market for my track training would be very small! “Few are build for this. That explosive power is really something you have to be born with.”
So I still don’t know if I’ll be able to monetize my new lifestyle, but I do know one thing; I was born for this.
.
~Lauren An unexamined life is not worth living
about “GLOW-UP 2026”
In January, Google has started pushing my old posts.
Unfortunately, my website was one of many casualties of WordPress Gugenheim software updates. Meaning the layout of this post was completely destroyed and none of the new visitors was able to read it.
Therefor I have decided to run by all my old posts, starting with the ones currently in rotation, and give them a well-deserved update that will do what glow-ups are supposed to do; Make them better.
— Subscribe to this blog, and receive my current work. The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.
My love for porn started with Stoya. But after watching every interview with her, and reading all her newsletters, yet still only sporadically watching her movies, I realized that it had little to do with porn. And that the only thing that had started with my love for Stoya, was my love for Stoya.
Then I thought I had really fallen for porn again, after seeing Steve Holmes. Until of course I realized that the only thing I had fallen for, was Steve Holmes. Steve is more often than not cast as a sadist, a dominant or some other deviant middle aged man. When on his YouTube channel, where he interviews the talent before and after their scene with him, he confesses that for him seeing a girl naked is more than enough to be happy and have a good time.
Steve Holmes is so charming and sweet with all the girls he interviews. He gives a little kiss on a naked knee, frequently apologizes that his English is not so good (Steve is German), and I just know he is the perfect man to try out all the stuff you would never dare ask a normal man. I know we will never hear bad stories about him #metoo-ing his way through porn land. He puts every woman at ease, even when she’s contractually obliged to have sex with him.
And Steve is married!
Isn’t that a nice thought that this man just goes back to his wife at the end of the day. I would marry him, too. I love the idea of a man bringing in the sexual energy into a relationship!
And although I haven’t shared much about my love for Stoya here: I nurture similar sympathetic feelings for her. Although less sexual, because I’m straight. But Stoya could be my best friend, and we would talk cats, because she has the sweetest cat in the world. His name is Pixel because he only has one eye. And Stoya is a writer too.
So, despite me always thinking I’m going after the porn, and am motivated by my twisted preferences, in the end I immediately forget about all of that and get stuck in the tenderness and cuteness of it all. I’m sure this does explain why I need a man to bring in the sexual energy. Because I drop that ball at the sight of the first one-eyed-cat.
Yesterday I went to see friends and they made me dinner. And I talked about Steve Holmes and how good he was with women. And somehow, in that same conversation, I had the most amazing revelation. It was an interesting perspective. I am currently in a secret relationship with a married man. We’ve been “together” (we see each other very little) for three and a half years. And I’ve always wondered what I would do if this ended.
My most recent decision was that I would not date anyone for a while because I’m focused on my business at the moment. But after that I would create the exact same thing: I would sign up for the dating site Second Love, and become a mistress to another married man. But somehow praising Steve Holmes sparked a new idea: to start working in porn, instead of getting a new relationship.
I can’t tell you how happy that thought made me.
Every good habit around keeping my body in mint condition, and every resolution about losing weight and doing yoga daily, immediately fell into place. Suddenly there was a reason to do all those things.
When last week my lover proposed a date, on a day I was fully booked and couldn’t possibly make it, I realized that even if I could make it? I didn’t have time for ALL the grooming I had to do in order to be the least bit fuckable.
My lover is more a Steve Holmes kind of guy: he will enjoy me naked in any shape or form. But I need to be freshly showered, shaved and trimmed in order to feel like it.
So I did all that anyway, the day after. When I did have time. And I realized I had no reason to pay attention to my body. I wasn’t having sex. And if I’m not having sex, I just lose interest in taking care of myself. Grooming wise, but also sports or dieting. I just can’t be bothered. So the prospect of getting a career in porn as a middle aged woman? That was a thrilling idea!
I could see myself FINALLY cleaning up my act! And saying enough is enough! I’m gonna lose weight, moisturize every day, trim, shave, wax, be absolutely fuckable 24/7 and live a porn star life starting NOW!
I went to bed happy and excited that I had so much good stuff waiting for me. Naturally, I wanted to masturbate to celebrate. But I didn’t really know what to fantasize about. I had masturbated to my lover Mr.Big for years, but a month or so ago, I had decided that I wasn’t going to do that anymore.
That I couldn’t afford to make my self-love dependent on the man who was already a liability in my real love life. If that ever ended, I needed my masturbation routine to go on, unharmed by our breakup. So that wasn’t an option. Then, much to my own surprise I must say, I suddenly thought about someone about whom I have not written in ages.
In fact, I have so dropped out of the habit of speaking about him in recent years that I don’t feel like sharing his name here. But it was someone I deeply cared for, and longed for. And of course, ultimately still do. Desire doesn’t have an end date.
So I thought about being in bed with him, and making love, and although we were a bit deviant (hey! it’s my fantasy, what did you expect!) it was most of all completely, utterly loving and trusting and emotional and maybe a bit heartbreaking too. Because it had never happened in real life, and maybe it never would.
I fell asleep rethinking my resolution to go into porn if Big and I were ever over. I realized porn was not the answer. It had never been.
I had simply been drawn to it because Steve Holmes had made it look as if it was the best and most likely place, to find love.
unseen footage of my lover Mr.Big taking me all the way down in an elevator
The strangest, most disturbing thing in my week of anxiety attacks were the flashes.
It was how a movie would show that someone is overworked:
Images, totally unrelated, flashed before my eyes. Like a slide show on acid.
I never had those.
I was familiar with anxiety, or with hearing music or a beep in your ears if you’ve been listening to your ipod too much. Or attended a concert.
Familiar with the rollercoaster going on in your stomach after visiting a theme park. Or even with the imaginary rollercoaster after drinking too much.
I was familiar with the residue of the day, going on and on, hammering your senses. But I had never re-experienced a day I never had. With images I never saw before, popping up with stroboscopic speed the moment you closed your eyes.
And I didn’t like it.
But of course I accepted it.
Like I accepted all signs of my whole being kicking into panic mode, after changing my yoga business from group classes to privates. It was a process, it was all just change. And I took pride in knowing I was not running away from this.
I had also made my peace with my sex life being practically non-existent, simply because my lover was basically non-existent. He was probably still very much present in the lives of his loved ones but I had no way of telling.
Aside from a nice platonic date, we had two weeks ago (and on which he didn’t offer any other explanation than the usual “busy” one), I didn’t know what was going on in his life.
Although rebuilding my business, and him being barely present in my life, were two separate reasons I was living a life without pleasure, I did suspect my business or new life may even cost me the last opportunity I had seeing my lover.
Because for the last year or so, Mr.Big had barely ever offered to see me at nighttime. He usually suggested something within hours, and on weekdays.
Something I would soon not be able to accommodate.
The perk of teaching privates versus groups was that I would shift to, well; actually making money!
Lol.
But also to working regular hours.
And I still had two nights of group classes as well.
Putting my entire workload on weekdays and nights, with the exception of two nights off, meant that I could really take time off on weekends.
But the weekends would not be good for my lover Mr.Big.
First of all because he had never invited me over on weekends. With a few exceptions, which were all in our first year.
And secondly, if he would want to see me then, it would probably be last minute and I would already have other plans.
Getting my new business on the road could be seen as exciting, or a necessity; as an opportunity or as a SURE THING this was gonna build me an empire.
But the first thing I really saw was how my new business was the death verdict for our affair.
The thing that would kill it.
Yet, it was still a no-brainer. The new company would happen, regardless.
Because there wasn’t an available choice that could prevent this.
The only career that would allow me to keep the same level of availability, was if I would make money as a writer, working from home. A career that was one I didn’t even aspire… not really! I mean I love writing (see me go!) but to write for money is an entire different ball game. I would never want to literally write FOR money – meaning under contract. Because it would mean I had to write something somebody else wanted to sell.
And not what I want to create.
So that’s not an option.
Then the second option is to start living from selling my diaries and erotica. I still might push that more. One day… I don’t know. But before I sell so many books that it makes me a full income is both an incredible leap, and it’s something that I could also work next to having a “real” job.
As a side hustle.
Becoming a successful writer will always remain an option, regardless of how my life looks.
With writing out of the way, as the only “career” choice that would sustain my current super available, flexible status, I don’t have to think about what it means to me that my new business might finish off my relationship.
A new normal job would have done the same thing.
And yet, if we’re meant to be we’re meant to be. It can only be the death of it, if there is not enough left to keep it going in the first place. So also from that perspective there is nothing that can be prevented. Nor counted upon.
But still, I didn’t look forward to actually having to say “No”, if he asked me out on a last minute date.
I was afraid it would look like I was punishing him or something. Playing games. Not that there’s anything wrong with declining all dates that are not booked at least 24 hours in advance. That is actually a great rule.
Just not one I live by!
🙂
Anyway, with that bleak future hanging over us, or at least the threat of a new stage in our relationship which we may or may not be able to make it work, I was enjoying my last week as Ms. Available.
Even my two weekends, the last one and the current one, had remained open to the very last minute. As if I wanted to fully suck up the freedom and endless possibilities that had been My Life for years at this point.
There was only one day, one out of nine, that was completely full. Double booked even. First I would teach, then have lunch with my students, clean the yoga studio, attend an opening, and finally a dinner party at night.
Ultimately I chose to cancel on the opening.
My anxiety attacks had climaxed that night and I didn’t have any sleep.
I needed to get to bed for a nap, so that I would be able to attend the dinner.
And it was on this morning that I got a message.
From my lover.
To meet.
At noon.
And it contained the best date proposal in for as long as I can remember. With a cute joke, and a loving reference to something we had said we had wanted to do together.
And I was like.
FUCK.
BIG FUCK.
JESUS CHRIST HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE FUCK.
And I knew that I had been right. That we had entered the new stage in our relationship where I would no longer be able to accommodate his last minute invitations. No matter how tempting they were, and no matter how much I wanted to say yes.
That this new life of mine was going to ask me to give it all up for my work. My social life (I barely saw friends at this stage). My sex life. My freedom.
Maybe I would even have to work the weekends I had so carefully blocked out.
I had no idea how much would be asked of me to make my business work, but I knew for certain, with that text coming in at the one day where I couldn’t make it, that it was required of me to be willing to give it all up.
To go all in.
To lose, and to give, and to invest, and to see the ground being swept from underneath me. With everything I valued on it.
I slept like a baby that night.
There were no more stroboscopic slide shows. No more heart pains. No more trembling and no more fears.
But there was the feeling of falling, of letting go. Of sex. Of surrendering. Of being taken brutally, by my lover. Of completely giving in to our most deviant sexual fantasies. Or maybe I should say to “my” most deviant sexual fantasies. It was like a porn movie, with me in it.
And him.
Bringing me all, ALL the way down.
To be continued..
Want to know how if my life really is, or isn’t, going to be as sexless as I feared?
So do I!
LOL
Find the Subscribe or Follow button somewhere on this page.
Have you found it?
You can buy my erotica and diaries at my new improved shop (English books, might have to scroll down)
Het Boek Benjamin € 45
verzameld werk NL en Engels.
Het enige boek dat hier niet inzit is Witte Tijgerin, dus mijn andere Nederlandse boeken zitten hier wél in.
Mango €15
coming of age novelle
22 erotische verhalen € 15
literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin
Witte Tijgerin €5
gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie
I’m not writing this because I’m discarding my plan to become the first Dutch author who is internationally successful writing in English.
Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
I wish I had a quote at hand, to mark the occasion.
I’m not going to bother you with the details!
Today I was having a bit of a scatter-brain-day;
It ALL makes so much sense now!
LS Harteveld 