from : A Porn Star Love Life
[ October 2021 ]
and click here for all LS Harteveld books

My love for porn started with Stoya.
But after watching every interview with her, and reading all her newsletters, yet still only sporadically watching her movies, I realized that it had little to do with porn.
And that the only thing that had started with my love for Stoya, was my love for Stoya.

Then I thought I had really fallen for porn again, after seeing Steve Holmes.
Until of course I realized that the only thing I had fallen for, was Steve Holmes.
Steve is more often than not cast as a sadist, a dominant or some other deviant middle aged man. When on his YouTube channel, where he interviews the talent before and after their scene with him, he confesses that for him seeing a girl naked is more than enough to be happy and have a good time.

Steve Holmes is so charming and sweet with all the girls he interviews. He gives a little kiss on a naked knee, frequently apologizes that his English is not so good (Steve is German), and I just know he is the perfect man to try out all the stuff you would never dare ask a normal man.
I know we will never hear bad stories about him #metoo-ing his way through porn land. He puts every woman at ease, even when she’s contractually obliged to have sex with him.

And Steve is married!

Isn’t that a nice thought that this man just goes back to his wife at the end of the day. I would marry him, too. I love the idea of a man bringing in the sexual energy into a relationship!

And although I haven’t shared much about my love for Stoya here: I nurture similar sympathetic feelings for her. Although less sexual, because I’m straight. But Stoya could be my best friend, and we would talk cats, because she has the sweetest cat in the world.
His name is Pixel because he only has one eye.
And Stoya is a writer too.

So, despite me always thinking I’m going after the porn, and am motivated by my twisted preferences, in the end I immediately forget about all of that and get stuck in the tenderness and cuteness of it all.
I’m sure this does explain why I need a man to bring in the sexual energy.
Because I drop that ball at the sight of the first one-eyed-cat.

Yesterday I went to see friends and they made me dinner. And I talked about Steve Holmes and how good he was with women. And somehow, in that same conversation, I had the most amazing revelation.
It was an interesting perspective.
I am currently in a secret relationship with a married man. We’ve been “together” (we see each other very little) for three and a half years.
And I’ve always wondered what I would do if this ended.

My most recent decision was that I would not date anyone for a while because I’m focused on my business at the moment. But after that I would create the exact same thing: I would sign up for the dating site Second Love, and become a mistress to another married man.
But somehow praising Steve Holmes sparked a new idea:
to start working in porn, instead of getting a new relationship.

I can’t tell you how happy that thought made me.

Every good habit around keeping my body in mint condition, and every resolution about losing weight and doing yoga daily, immediately fell into place.
Suddenly there was a reason to do all those things.

When last week my lover proposed a date, on a day I was fully booked and couldn’t possibly make it, I realized that even if I could make it?
I didn’t have time for ALL the grooming I had to do in order to be the least bit fuckable.

My lover is more a Steve Holmes kind of guy: he will enjoy me naked in any shape or form.
But I need to be freshly showered, shaved and trimmed in order to feel like it.

So I did all that anyway, the day after. When I did have time. And I realized I had no reason to pay attention to my body. I wasn’t having sex. And if I’m not having sex, I just lose interest in taking care of myself.
Grooming wise, but also sports or dieting.
I just can’t be bothered.
So the prospect of getting a career in porn as a middle aged woman?
That was a thrilling idea!

I could see myself FINALLY cleaning up my act!
And saying enough is enough!
I’m gonna lose weight, moisturize every day, trim, shave, wax, be absolutely fuckable 24/7 and live a porn star life starting NOW!

I went to bed happy and excited that I had so much good stuff waiting for me.
Naturally, I wanted to masturbate to celebrate. But I didn’t really know what to fantasize about. I had masturbated to my lover Mr.Big for years, but a month or so ago, I had decided that I wasn’t going to do that anymore.

That I couldn’t afford to make my self-love dependent on the man who was already a liability in my real love life. If that ever ended, I needed my masturbation routine to go on, unharmed by our breakup.
So that wasn’t an option.
Then, much to my own surprise I must say, I suddenly thought about someone about whom I have not written in ages.

In fact, I have so dropped out of the habit of speaking about him in recent years that I don’t feel like sharing his name here.
But it was someone I deeply cared for, and longed for. And of course, ultimately still do. Desire doesn’t have an end date.

So I thought about being in bed with him, and making love, and although we were a bit deviant (hey! it’s my fantasy, what did you expect!) it was most of all completely, utterly loving and trusting and emotional and maybe a bit heartbreaking too.
Because it had never happened in real life, and maybe it never would.

I fell asleep rethinking my resolution to go into porn if Big and I were ever over. I realized porn was not the answer. It had never been.

I had simply been drawn to it because Steve Holmes had made it look as if it was the best and most likely place, to find love.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life Is Not Worth Living.