Category: Playing no (consent play)

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara( Sara’s Fb page)
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.

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Back to Basics
is the third chapter of
7-figure Rock Star Writer part 6: Consent play

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This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara( Sara’s Fb page)
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.

Dear Sara,

This is what I wrote last time, about the happy ending I foresee, that was, and still is, freaking me out. 

It’s no longer a question of whether or not I will have a redemption arc. I will get back on my feet and start making my own money again;
It is no longer a question if me and ALL of the men I am in love with, will one day have a heart to heart and confess this to each other;
It may not even be a question if I will rise to fame both as LS Harteveld as well as the first and only Rock Star Yoga teacher. My current calm and soothing life style will actually be more appealing to the masses than my tapped-in, turned on, full volume style which is my usual self.
None of those things will come as a surprise.
Instead, just like in Star Wars, the only real question is:
Will I live.

And I added Disney might as well finish me off, because just like Kylo Ren, whose redemption and survival of Star Wars episode 9, has been heavily speculated on, I was never born to settle for happily ever after.
But having said all that, my new calm and soothing life style (that will one day kill me!) has kicked in. And it’s spreading to all the branches of the Tree of Life.
However the order has changed a bit.
Where I had initially focused on autism-friendly work, a frustrating path that cost me weeks and lead to The Land of Nowhere, I have now decided to focus on making my finance autism-resistant first.
Without the protection of official reintegration course or an autism based specialization I am going to need all my mental bandwidth to make my working life a success.
I can’t handle the responsibilities, risks and insecurities that would come from (also) still being an entrepreneur, and complex money and capital issues.
Right now my finance is so complicated, my bookkeeper needs me to get legal advice before we can submit my tax forms. And my bookkeeper is not even autistic!
So streamlining my finance, which will probably include ending my business January 1st, is my priority this week. Ideally I want to be able to have everything automated and do my own tax return in 2020.
The activities I did for my company however, I will keep doing. But they could be limited. For example: Having a company allows me to bill clients, if I m giving a talk somewhere.
Not having a business and in particular not having a VAT number, could very well mean I can’t charge money for my yoga class, private yoga class, talks or other services. Or maybe just super limited.
So aside from losing a couple of weeks trying to get a job first, everything is according to plan.
With finance and job sorted out, the real quest will of course be:
Get my sex life back on track.
Being my main suppliers of excitement, adventure, and even growth, men are my raison d’être. And with a schedule which will contain a real job for the first time in over 15 years, how will I keep life juicy?
I still don’t have real answers for that.

I went to a Dutch movie, Instinct.
And it was about a psychiatrist who is sexually aroused by her charismatic patient Idris, who has been convicted of rape.
In one scene where she tries to make love (not to Idris), she doesn’t even function properly.
It is so obvious that she needs him to be dominant. That she needs all responsibility to be taken away from her, so that she can surrender, submit, lose herself in an encounter without consent.
The story made me so sad.
In a way for myself of course: It’s been so long, since it’s been this good. My lover has not come back to me so forcefully as he once was.
My desire for the new man, the Slash lookalike, is ever present but it is quiet between us… Sometimes I don’t know if it’s still before the storm, or if our love is stillborn.
The second reason I was sad, was because I would have loved it if the film had portrayed two lovers who had went down that path. Instead of only dipping their toes in the water basically. And then messing it up because they got so scared. They couldn’t allow for it to unfold, maybe they were not strong enough.
But I would have loved to see them succeed.
But the third, and maybe the most important reason the movie made me sad, is because this is my theme. This is my quest. In January I went offline in order to write a book on consent play. It was called:
Playing No.
A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies
And it drove me mad. Writing took hours of my day. It literally consumed me. And meanwhile even back then I did not know how the money was going to come in and what I was going to do with my life.
I was eaten alive on one side, and trying to escape on the other.
Ultimately I quit writing, I gave up.
The thought of having this book out, on such a sensitive topic, when I soon might be returning to a regular job, scared me shitless.
I wasn’t like Idris and the psychiatrist Nicoline; I wasn’t afraid of my own feelings.
I was afraid of putting pen to paper, and sharing with the world what I knew. In particular since I might soon be working in that same world, seeing the same people every day. People whom I did not want to interact with based on my controversial book topic.
And here I was.
Nine months later, I saw the story played out of people perfect for each other and both in the dark about this aspect of sex. Consent play. It was as if the universe called me back to my writing table, and fear caught me by the throat.
Either I start doing what I came here to do, and write the damn book.
Or I’m going to watch the same story of a misunderstood sexual preference, over and over and over again.
Sara, hold my beer.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2019
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

I remember last Tuesday, when I was getting myself all setup and ready to start my 21 day book publishing SPRINT in my new temporary residence, only to find out the Wifi wasn’t working. I jokingly remarked on social media;
“Apparently Life wants me to have a  three week holiday instead.”
The wit of someone who has lost one workday.
I moved my computer to my mother’s house and could still crack jokes about it.
However, after I lost the second workday to personal circumstances;
A third vaporized due to unforeseen things and an appointment  I’d already made;
And I lost my Friday to an early morning mechanic from the contractor (I have escaped renovations in my own apartment – but in this temporary house they have some relatively minor renovations too);
And I was called by the cable company after I had just finished coffee at my mom’s house, and had to come home again?
I wasn’t in the mood for jokes anymore.
Of course I was happy the cable company had finally switched gears after three days, and was coming over to check things out. The main cable, buried under the pavement, turned out to have been damaged. This had not been one of those reset your modem thingies.
But as I was packing my bag yet again, breaking off the last workday of the week before it had even started, I cursed for having made Tuesday’s smart-ass remark that I now had a three week holiday:
“I WAS ONLY JOKING!”
And before that incredible, utterly non-productive week, I had already “wasted” the first week of my 30 day sabbatical, because of an unexpected turn of events.
There I had been.
Offline.
30 Days all to myself, to go publish my books and to write offline about a highly personal subject: My sexual preference for playing rough, like play rape or other role playing games.
I wanted to write my book on sexual consent play offline.
It blended in with the 30 day publishing sabbatical, but I also wanted to write it offline to ensure I would go all in. And to not hold anything back because I was afraid to publish/post/share it through a blog.
I published a carefree chapter; A boyfriend like Jon Bongiovi An analysis of my sexuality as a teen.
But for the other chapters of my offline project, I dove into my mind, and did deep soul searching. I was eager! It felt like I was closing in on something.
Until I realized what I was closing in on, was ME.
Writing this book was like pushing myself towards a cliff.
It was a rude awakening, and I stopped immediately.
2018 was the first time in my life I have ever felt suicidal, and I know now all of it is related;
– the week of non-consensual soul searching that destabilized me
– the recurring nights awake due to stress
– the constant crying
– my heart complaints
– last year’s suicidal thoughts, for the first ever time in my life.
Even losing an entire week due to renovations, moving house and wifi problems is ultimately just a sign of not having your head straight. If you re focused as fuck – you WILL do the work regardless of what life throws at you.
But the good news is, I now understand all of these things are caused by the same causes. And more importantly, will most likely become manageable once I have stabilized my life.
By NOT searching deeply into my soul.
Stick with fixed working hours.
Have weekends off.
And to be very cautious to ever touch the subject of consent play again.
Just to illustrate why I m being so careful: Last Friday, when I started this blog post, I added a chapter from my book on consent play.
How could that hurt right?
I mean, it wasn’t even sexual.
So I copied, pasted, edited, rewrote. And although I blamed not finishing on not having enough time, I knew it was something else.
That including the chapter in this post was making me sick.
It was, is, still destabilizing me.
I need to give up on the book on sexual consent play. I don’t want to, because I felt blessed that I had been “given” such an interesting topic to write about. And at a point in my life when I thought my life would be editing and publishing my old books.
Meh. Boring!
So ungrateful to toss it aside.
But this topic has already cost me a week of writing, and it has totally derailed me.
I go between thinking I will pick it up in the future, when I m bored or so stable I need some serious excitement. And thinking that maybe I don’t want to.
That maybe the trick with my writing, is that it NEEDS TO BE ABSOLUTELY FREE.
I can’t write a book limiting myself beforehand that “this and this” is going to be the topic. And in particular not when the topic is sexual consent play (or should I say non-consent play?). The topic is too heavy, too political.
Maybe there is a reason nobody investigates consent play, and that it’s being brushed off with “it being really normal for women to have rape fantasies”.
Maybe that really is all you can say about it, without going mad.
At least for me.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

I m back! 

Let’s cut the crap shall we? is Chapter 22 of my diary 7-figure Rock Star Writer

It marks the ending of my brave but stupid attempt to not blog, and to take a 30 day sabbatical in order to publish my books.
Because after two weeks I can see that the time freed up by not blogging, up to 7 hours a day, was not spent publishing my books. Instead it just drew in drama, meltdowns and unforeseen circumstances.

So I ll be back blogging, and also still publish my books.
These are:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button is somewhere on this page, probably on the right.

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
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If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

I’m here in my temporary office, at my mother’s house. I haven’t touched my computer in days, and it’s scaring me.
My mother asked me what my plans were for today  -I m only working for two hours – and I said:
“To become friends with my computer.”
My hands are shaking, I woke up with a headache, and I have no idea where to begin.
My last entry was on my phone.
A Facebook post where I explained why plans had changed. Which ultimately led to even more time offline, due to personal circumstances which I won’t share.
Anyway, before all that – here’s what I wrote last Tuesday:
“Sweethearts, this is not how I planned all this, moving in and out of sabbatical.
NOR did I plan for this final post to be a Facebook text instead of a proper blog.
A phone typed English-only thing without spelling check;
Eventhough (should have been 2 words) I planned on writing an English and Dutch blog tomorrow.
But I can’t.
In short two things happened which threw me offtrack within a 30 day writing & publishing sabbatical.
Firstly, the book I was writing offline fucked with my head. Which is wild. Just not when you need your head in order to publish 4 books.
Then you need to write one skin-deep, super high vibe 90 minute blogpost just to start the day.
Which was the plan.
But then the 2nd thing happened; I moved to a temporary house for 3 weeks while my own house is being renovated.
But in the first week they will have heating and window renovations here as well AND the wifi not doing what it’s supposed to.
So I spent today making arrangements to save at least some of my 21 Artist In Residence days, and succeeded. I have my work place set up somewhere nice, with heating, windows, wifi. Can t wish for anything more.
But it s not my home.
I can t work my unlimited working hours there.
I have to plan them, by block.
And will work 2-6 hours maximum, every day.
Which means;
No more writing babe.
Publishing smack down every hour I can muster.
Every time block GO ALL IN.
Back Thursday February 7.”
The book I was writing which I was referring to (which drove me mad) was called “Playing No. Diary of submissive non-consent fantasies” And it was “wild” indeed. So philosophical.
If I have other days where I can’t work, for example because my computer scares me, I ll reblog the chapters I want to save.
But the book itself?
No.
Maybe it’s because – just like the mistress topic – writing about this aspect of my sex life is more an ongoing thing. Something to study while writing a blog, instead of writing it offline.
My main reason for wanting to write offline was to go deep into the material. But as a result my life was completely destabilized within a week. The relative shallowness of blogging your work, which means immediately sharing what you’ve written, is actually a blessing for me.
It ensures that I don’t cut too deep!
That I don’t jump into the void just for the sake of it, only to resurface a week later, realizing I actually lost an entire week’s worth of work and not gained anything, except for a learning experience.
What I’m doing today – working behind my computer, reading emails, things that scare me! – is actually opposite to the approach that brought me the meltdown.
I’m now coasting, where I was jumping in.
“Becoming friends” is derived from a tactic they use in soccer, related to the youngest children. I used to date a soccer coach, and he explained what the different learning goals were for the junior teams.
And the smallest children, I think they were 4 or 5 years old, were just there to “become friends with the ball”.
I ve always remembered that. Or at least tried to remember it, for times like this when something is intimidating, and all you feel is guilt and shame for how far you could have been, should have been, IF ONLY you had not dropped out of it.
But yesterday (Wednesday) I also couldn’t work because of the unexpected setback in my personal life. It had cost me a night’s sleep and it took all my remaining foggy brainpower to work through it.
Now I have an understanding as to why it happened and what the things were, which needed to be figured out anyway.
But after losing Monday to the move into my new temporary apartment, Tuesday to setting up my office, it not working, relocating the whole thing to here; AND Wednesday to personal drama?
That’s three days in a row!
For a writer/ book publisher who was already still recovering from her one week offline book writing meltdown, it was bad timing to say the least.
And why I m now starting at the most basic level.
Becoming friends with my computer.
I have two more goals;
– open an email which I don’t know what’s in it, and from someone I have in high regard.
– go to one of my blogs and copy/paste/harvest at least one post, and paste it into my archive in order to create it into a book. Just so that I ve gone through the moves today at least once; Select with mouse. Copy. Go to Word. Paste.
But first coffee…..
Okay, I enjoyed some procrastination time on Twitter and have a cup of coffee here. Deep breath. Going to open the email.
…
Spent ten minutes deleting and filing other emails. To take the scare off of it. Now I m going to open IT.
…
Oh it was really lovely. It was from someone whom I admire deeply, and he makes me blush, although I have no idea if he knows that.
Maybe he does.
Now, I m going to do my copy-paste thing.
…
Done!
*publishes post Becoming Friends*
Mission accomplished.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Start 30 day sabbatical

Publishing friends 
is part of my posts I should not be writing because I m supposedly on a publishing sabbatical. 
After which I will have my four books ready:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button is somewhere on this page, probably on the right.

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
NEW connect on Linkedin

My diaries en erotica are available at 
my BOOK SHOP
25% discount on all prices
If you check your cart, you can select your store
f.e. Nederland or United States
with the flag in the upper right corner.

This is the post I thought I wouldn’t write!
This morning I got behind my desk, in order to start my new book on consent play; The part of my sexuality which I have been consciously downplaying my whole life because I thought it wasn’t good enough.
Immature.
Difficult.
Irresponsible even.
And I actually looked forward to starting fresh and leaving everything already written here on this blog, behind me. 
I would start by creating a safe place.
For myself, in the form of a 30 day sabbatical from blogging and social media. As well as for the reader, by opening with a chapter on the need to protect our sexuality.
To NOT let the big world in telling us it’s dangerous and that we’re opening the doors to being raped in real life. And that we’re at least partially responsible for all the date rapes and the #metoo victims, because our sexuality leaves too much room for interpretation.
Where BDSM is viewed by everyone as its own world with its own rules and therefore safe, our consent play takes place in the real world.
It’s not in the SM basement, using special rope and safe words.
It’s in the woods where your lover is forcing himself onto you.
Someone walking by would not know the difference between a real rape, and your play. But that doesn’t mean that your lover doesn’t know.
Or that you are mistaken.
One of the most mesmerizing concepts of BDSM for me, has been the use of safe words. And I ve heard of one woman being raped by her boyfriend, in what could have been interpreted as play-rape.
She used their safe word but was raped anyway.
She went public with her story and many women stepped forward, telling stories about him, and what he had done to them.  
This story to me implies we are all at risk of being raped, once someone doesn’t respect your boundaries. Just because you play with these boundaries, does not put you more at risk.
Nor does having a safe word mean you re safe.
It only gives you the assurance that you as a woman have done all you could to make it absolutely clear that you didn’t want it. That you were not to blame.
The only safety we have in any type of sex is this:
Connection.
The reason I always got this weird feeling about safe words, whenever we had played rough and I realized much later that we had done so not having any safe words, which is like BDSM rule number 1 – is that although I m all pro-safety, I got a feeling it was actually dangerous, to work with safe-words.
And then I realized why.
I feel if you’re with someone who is not able to read you, you shouldn’t even be with this person in the first place. To me, a deep trust and understanding between me and a lover is the basis for play. Not every man is willing, nor able, to connect with a woman on that kind of level.
To let her resist and cry, and at the same time be completely tuned in to when she is not enjoying it. That is tremendous hard work!
And skilled work too!
But to me, although I think having a safe word can never hurt, it does give me an uncomfortable feeling because it’s like you’re simplifying things that should not be simplified. 
I m still not sure if I would be able to describe the man who is able to offer this kind of play, but my estimate is that it’s not a man with a fixed preference.
He “is” not a dominant.
My estimate is that a man who’s able to be a consent-play partner is a man who loves to please women. A man who is actually much more versatile in his sexuality than she is.
His joy comes from pleasing her.
His power stems more from his ability to put her at ease and make her feel safe, than from having the dominant position in their play.
That is why we, submissive consent-play lovers, will be confused if men offer themselves as dominants or rough play partners. We will feel something is off here… but what is it?
I think because what I would call a “real” consent-play man is versatile. He lets her determine which game they’re going to play. And as soon as he feels her presence this is what he will do:
He ll step back.
Creating a space of pure consciousness between him and her.
It is quiet and peaceful. There are no rules there that he put up. Nor are there traces of the women before her, or ideas on what he thinks sex should be.
It’s completely blank.
He just IS there, offering the space for her to enter.
And if she does, he is still just there, quiet.
Maybe he makes her tea, cracks a little joke.
If he talks about sex he does it in relation to her. He’s interested in her, not in forcing his ideas about sex onto her.
To me, the difference between BDSM and consent play would look something like this;
BDSM has
– rules and safe words
– a dominant partner, from the first moment 
– and a submissive who (during play) says yes and agrees. She has her safe words to indicate him to stop.
Consent play has
– no rules, but they are constantly tuned in. The couple can of course have safe words as a backup.
– a versatile dominant, who will be able to have satisfying sexual relationships with women with all kinds of preferences
-and a submissive who determines the rules, and selects her partner. But during play she says no, kicks, screams or just lets him “abuse” her because she’s supposedly too afraid and intimidated to stop. She will “act” differently, when she wants him to stop or change. For example use her normal tone of voice.
What I wanted to do today, when I started on this blank page writing my new book, is stating we, women with these preferences, have a right to explore our sexuality.
And we should be very weary getting caught up in projections of other people’s fear of abuse, and our own fears as well.
Compare it to Christian families where fear of pregnancy is used as a weapon to keep girls from experimenting.
And I grew up in the eighties: Aids warnings were intertwined with condoning sex with multiple partners.
Pregnancy warnings, as well as the hiv/aids warnings, as well as each and every tale or warning about sex, is an area where mixing in morale is almost inevitable.
Instead, every warning with regard to sex, should include – and preferably very explicitly – the following four elements: 
1. acknowledgement that you can never be a 100% safe unless you completely refrain from sex.
Therefor saying things like: “As long as you are doing it safe,” are wrong.
What you can do is say: “There is no such thing as a hundred percent safety. But can I help you in any way? Buy you condoms, or be your backup if you’re meeting a stranger? Or a talk if you feel insecure about things that happened?”
2. acknowledgement that your environment (whether viewed as high in risk or low in risk) is already largely determined by the nature of your sexuality.
Acting as if you can choose to be safe or not safe, implies that you can choose to be gay or straight, to be monogamous or have multiple partners, and ultimately also a choice between having consent-play or not.
But these things are natural preferences that will bring you in different types of situations. Even if we would agree that there are less risks when you are married (do we agree?!) it would still not acknowledge that your sex life is a reflection of your sexuality.
You can’t say “Oh, this and this sex life is the safest, I ll pick that one.”
The chances that you just picked the sex life that is honoring your sexuality, are zero.
You need to start with your sexuality, and the sex life that goes with that, will appear.
3. acknowledgement that just because something is dangerous, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
I remember in Africa our parents told us to never turn rocks because there could be scorpions underneath. Years later I confessed to my mother that we did turn rocks, but we ran away immediately and then slowly approached to look at what’s underneath.
She answered: “Because we had warned you, you were cautious. If we had not warned you, you would not have known.”
Warnings about dangers should never be a sign that you shouldn’t do it.
Just that you are aware of the risks.
4. acknowledgement that sex is not easy, and assurance that whatever happens, you will be loved
This is HUGE. Imagine sex education starting with this:
“Dear students,
I will not sugarcoat this for you.
Sex is probably the most complicated social activity that exists.
It requires skills like risk assessment, diplomacy, and knowing yourself.
Many powerful men and women have made mistakes that have cost them their lives. And other men and women have avoided those mistakes, but they’ve languished in loveless marriages and have been consumed by regret.
Great art has come of it. Empires have been built with it. But it has also decimated entire communities, and brought down civilizations.
Yet, the only way to learn what sexuality is, and what treasures it holds for you, is by doing it. We will prepare you, but it will barely cover 10% of what you will encounter. In reality it will be way closer to learning on the job.
And a very complicated job.
But before we begin I want you to know the most important thing.
And you may want to write this down.
You will be loved, regardless of what happens.
No matter what mistakes you make, no matter how many times you lose control or hurt yourself or someone else. As long as you can learn from what you’re doing, you will be loved.
As long as you’re willing to get better, and create more love, both for yourself and others;
You will be loved.
And if this enables you to keep studying, and to not settle for easy solutions.
But instead you keep aiming higher than anyone else has ever dared to go.
Then sex will not just give direction to your life.
But instead it will give hope and provide meaning for anyone you come into contact with.
For you will have mastered the true essence of existence.
You will have mastered love.”

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Start 30 day sabbatical

This blog post is the beginning of my 30 day sabbatical, in which I will be publishing my books and write my book on consent play.
I ve changed the title to Playing no. Diary of submissive non-consent fantasies
The biggest change compared to the earlier title is that I ve removed the word rape from the title, so that it’s less triggering.
And I ve made it from a guide for women into a personal diary.
Which gives me maximum freedom to write from a personal perspective and also means it will be less triggering for the reader – since I obviously don’t pretend to know what your preferences are.
I merely share mine.
I will go offline for at least 30 days.
And when I return I will have my four books ready:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)
and
5. Playing no. Diary of submissive non-consent fantasies
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button is somewhere on this page, probably on the right.

About this book Playing No

I have already started, since the first chapters will be based on this post and the previous 2 blog posts (To tell or not to tell and Playing no)
Tomorrow I m starting the rest of the book and I m writing it offline.
I will be writing about the non-consensual fantasies and I will also write about the different sexual acts.
The sexual acts can also be part of BDSM or normal non-role playing sex. The main characteristic of consent play is the “victim” pretending not to like it, or pretending to be in a setting where she is forced to comply.
However the acts themselves are important for me to describe.
Name and claim them.
And why they fit in so well into this play.
I have never seen these acts discussed in main stream media and this has slowed down the process of me coming to terms with who I am and what I like.
I want to write them out so that the women who read my book do see these taboo subjects written down by a fairly normal, sane, Dutch woman of 46 years old.
I want to put to paper all those fantasies that feel so good, yet I m pretty sure there are still so many negative thoughts associated with it as well.
Let’s fix that 😉 

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Consent and creating a safe place is episode 19 of my project 7-figure rock star writer  
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on this page

Or follow on Facebook or Twitter,
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If you check your cart, you can select your store
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with the flag in the upper right corner.

Connect

I m taking time off to publish my four books + to write this new book
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Sometimes I think I m just as submissive to my muse, to writing, as I am as to my lovers.
That I have a basic plan in place of what we’re going to do, but if I feel the other one taking the lead, I succumb with an inappropriate eagerness that reveals that my own free will, is plan B.
That I’d rather have plan A.
Where I have nothing to say, and just have to follow his lead.
Where things are done without consulting me, or against my will, and might be painful but that is of none of their concern.
An hour ago the muse Writing, forced himself onto me with the idea for this book.
I immediately said yes.
This morning I practically wrote the introduction to this book.
The post was called “To tell or not to tell?” and it was about a conversation I had with a friend about a sex toy, which was emotionally charged for me. In a good way – it’s exciting and hot.
But I also realized I wasn’t open about that aspect of my sexuality, which the toy represented. Which is that I like role playing where things are done against my will.
This post “To tell or not to tell?” stated that I was not yet going to tell what the toy was, because I felt it was part of something bigger.
And that I wanted to wait until the full story had revealed itself.
At first I thought the toy represented my submissiveness.
But now I realize I m not submissive at all!
Instead of saying something like: “Oh please punish me master.”
I like to kick and scream: “No!”
That’s when I realized I had never heard of a term for that and decided to give it a new name.
Consent play.
This new book is that story.

Hiding in plain sight

It is a strange thing, even for me, to realize that although I thought I had been open about my sexuality, that I ve actually not been open about this at all.
There are two places where I have been hiding.
The first place is: I hide behind my relationship, which is an affair with my secret lover Mr.Big. I hide behind the sex we, as a couple, have.
Or had, I m not sure if we’re still on.
Either way, my book Big, describes us playing out many of my non-consensual sex fantasies.
But what I have mentioned only secondary, is that the fantasies belong to me. They are a part of who I am. And have always been.
Our affair was not a case of:
“Oh, we’re so crazy about each other. Now let’s spice things up with what we both like.”
Four years in, and I now have a deep understanding this was a case of:
“You have to be on my page about this. I cannot NOT do this.”
In the past I ve had boyfriends with whom I was not completely head over heels in love, as I am with my current lover. And we tried to make things work in bed.
Since the entire situation was less than ideal to begin with, not having my full sexual agenda met was no big deal.
Our sex was going to be sub-optimal anyway.
But to hook up with my secret lover Mr.Big, a successful business man in his forties, visit his apartment, and to then say; “We ll see how it goes?”
No.
Sorry.
We’ll see how it goes is available for when I m not in love, and have to do all the hard work of matching two pretty much incompatible people who want different things, by using all the social and people skills I have.
By the time we get naked I ve invested so much, I ll take that final leap and make it work all the way through.
We ll see how it goes.
But with a lover I m totally crazy about?
Then it really is going to be my way or the highway.
Either we re going for fireworks in the bedroom, with a hundred percent compatible sexual agenda. Or we’re not going through with this at all.
And a compatible agenda means you’re dominant, but not in the conventional rope/leather/master slave kind of way.
But in MY way!
Because that’s the second place I ve been hiding: Between expressions of female sexual submission. Which is basically a spectrum.
On one hand you have the soft version of female submissiveness:
Going to dinner with a vibrating egg in your pussy with your lover holding the remote.
And on the other hand, the hardcore version of BDSM, with ropes, leather, formal roles of master and slave. Or the dominant and the submissive.
I ve called my sexuality submissive on many occasions. And I still might. Yet “I” am actually nowhere to be found on this entire scale.
Not near the vanilla version, nor on the BDSM side.
My sexuality, consent play, holds closest resemblance to the rough sex you see in porn. And the rapey things a lot of men have started incorporating into their repertoire; Pinch your throat, or spit their hand and then make you wet. They push you down when you’re in doggy style, with your head in the pillow and your ass up.
All things I like.
On a pretty bitchy side note, from me: What I don’t like during sex, because it’s distracting and annoying, is spanking.
I like being spanked when we take the time to do just that.
Like take me over your knee, or bend me over the table, and you punish me. Which I don’t want at all, but you make me stand or lie there, since it is of “none of your concern” what I want.
That would be awesome! LOL
But slapping during sex is distracting.
But these are all details! Because I am thrilled to see men have gotten more aggressive in bed.
And I hear this from friends as well; There are plenty of men who can do it rough(er). Either because they know you like it, or they take an educated guess.
Or they’re completely ignorant and think all women like reenacting porn movies, that’s also an option.
But in general I think we do live in a time where as women who like it rough, it is much easier to find a partner, than it was let’s say twenty years ago.
The movies and books of 50 Shades did us the tremendous favor of normalizing the extremes of the BDSM spectrum; The soft power play like him having the remote, as well as the other extreme of owning a fully equipped red room of pain.
And porn did us the favor of normalizing rough sex.
And these three things (vanilla toy play, BDSM, and rapey sex) all have their pros and cons. But at least they’re there.
This makes it a lot easier to navigate your way through what you like and don’t like.

Coming out

In the previous paragraph I ve illustrated how I have been using both my relationship, as well as porn sex, vanilla toy sex and BDSM as ways to avoid speaking about what I really like.
Revealing the true nature of my sexuality.
I ve been so eager when people said: “Oh but it’s really normal for women to have rape fantasies.”
When I just knew my sexuality was a lot more outspoken than that.
I think my masturbation fantasies tell it all: they have been about non-consensual sex for as long as I can remember.
I also have normal, loving sex, with my lover. But I do want to remind you that we have a secret affair, which is exciting in its own right. Sometimes I wonder if I would actually be able to have normal sex if I had a man for myself.
I m afraid not.
I need it to be forbidden one way or the other.
Either way, when I look at my masturbation patterns, my preference become crystal clear.
Being a non-consensual submissive is not some optional thing to spice up my relationship. It’s the bare bones of my sexuality. I can count the times I have masturbated on normal men, and normal non-violent fantasies on one hand.
They were an effort.
An attempt to do something different.
Five times tops, in my entire life, masturbating to something different than all the degrading, disturbing, sexual fantasies I’m going to describe in this book.
And yet when someone said it/ I was entirely normal?
I was silent.

About this book

It is now Friday January 4th. 
And I have decided that I will be writing this book offline, and to then immediately print it. I will not post the individual chapters here first.
This is because of two reasons.
The first reason is unspeakably boring.
Blogging takes up a lot of time and space. A post like this takes up anywhere between 3 to 7 hours. If my plan for the upcoming month was just to write, then maybe, blogging the chapters of “Playing no. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies” could have worked.
But I ve been trying to get around to publishing four of my books, for months. And in January I was REALLY going to do that.
I ve already made photos and booked my graphic designer for the covers. But I m nowhere when it comes to actually doing the work of editing and creating the books.
So I can’t possibly keep blogging if I want to get serious about publishing.
I ve known that for a few weeks now but I love writing so much!
I had no idea how to go about that.
But the idea to write this book, gives me a way out.
Writing “Playing no. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies” will be my daily writing during the process of publishing. And then this will be the fifth book.
I suspect the cover work will be really minimal – with just me creating the cover in Paint (!!). I ve done that in 2017 as well.
I published 8 books with a design cover, but added a little pet project on female sexuality (Dutch).
Last minute.
In a similar fashion “Playing no. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies” will be my pet project the upcoming month.
I will go offline for at least 30 days.
And when I return I will have my four books ready:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)
and
5. Playing no. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button is somewhere on this page, probably on the right.
The second reason I m not blogging this book, but writing it offline, is that this story will be my most personal story to date.
I have no interest in sharing it with people who have not made the conscious choice to acquire it.
Just like my previous pet project I will keep the selling price as low as possible, but it’s going to be paid content only.
Because of the sensitivity of the topics – including being sensitive to me – I am really giving myself that halfway version, when things are written, but not shared yet.
When the art is created, but not yet seen.
I feel this will help me to get comfortable with this part of my sexuality, which I have been hiding for so long.
I intend to write about the non-consensual fantasies itself; And I will also write about the different unconventional sexual acts.
This will make it extremely explicit and real.
Because the reason I am writing this book, is to name and claim all these “deviant” acts, as part of what we like.
Well, maybe there should not be quotation marks.
Maybe they really are deviant. I don’t know.
But I do know I have never seen these acts discussed in main stream media, and this has slowed down the process of me coming to terms with who I am, and what I like.
So I want to write them out, so that the women who read my book do see these taboo subjects written down by a fairly normal, sane, Dutch woman of 46 years old.
I want to put to paper all those fantasies that feel so good, yet I m pretty sure there are still so many negative thoughts associated with it as well.
One of the main reasons I have not shared my preference before, and hid behind orientations that were more, well “defined”, I guess, is because the fight for women’s right is an ongoing one. 
The #metoo movement, and the realization that women are still preyed upon and their rights are still violated, make it difficult to find a place in this world where your fantasies belong.
Where you belong.
But this sexual orientation is an acquired one. It is the ultimate expression of women’s rights gone right.
Because only a woman who is certain that she’s worthy, and that no one can question her rights, will feel drawn to the pleasure of submitting herself.
Of playing, that her rights are violated, and her body penetrated against her will. Only the one who is not a victim by any standard, will like to do it for fun.
My lover and me often made jokes about my sexual preference.
My love of being dominated, being forced into submission. 
I always have this giant smile on my face, after we’ve played.
And I remind him that within prostitution, it’s the dominants who get paid. They do all the work. And their clients are usually wealthy, powerful men, who call the shots in the real world.
Because in the end it is never the dominant, who is dominant.
It is the submissive.

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Playing no. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies
is episode 18 of my project 7-figure rock star writer  
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with the flag in the upper right corner.

30 day sabbatical

I m taking time off to publish my four books + to write this new book
“Playing no. A pleasure guide for women with rape and other consent fantasies”
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Yesterday’s candid post about my sexual preferences, blended in perfectly with my gay best friend coming over to my house.
Next to my lover Mr.Big – and years before my lover Mr.Big!- Damian is the only one who knows everything about me.
In my desire to tell someone “neutral” about my sex life, I picked him.
My gay friend.
Which was a wise choice.
In retrospect the strongest common ground is that we’re both people for whom sex is a mind game. Context is everything.
It started out with just asking him tips on anal sex, because I had no one to talk to about that and my partners were inexperienced on the matter.
They would want to try it, if I organized it. 
Which didn’t work out. You could even say that by the time I have to take the lead within a relationship, it’s downhill from there.
They say couples unconsciously keep score on who invests what. And me taking initiative with sex, is ten points off.
In theory at least.
Because I also remember a conversation Damian and me had, where I confided in him that I had been dominant in bed with a new boyfriend who was way younger than me and wanted to be dominated.
I felt it was my duty to do this. That it is basically your responsibility if you are with someone who’s not as experienced as you, that you give them what they want.
Like a sexual pay it forward.
So I played my part and he was taken against his will.
Now don’t call the police; this was all play.
But anyway, I told Damian that I actually liked abusing him, a lot more than I thought I would. He asked if he had heard this correctly:
“You didn’t know you had a dominant side?” 
And then shook his head: “I think this is what they call a blind spot.”
I ve always considered myself a bottom (gay term for being the receiving party), but I turned out to be a lot more versatile than I thought.
Either way, Damian and me have a long history of discussing sex, and he has been my main and most consistent friend on the matter.
He even remembers all my boyfriends by name, and characteristics.
Last night Damian and me had a date.
I assumed we’d meet in the city but I got an A.M. text from him:
“Shall I be at your place at 8? You don’t have to get us cake, because I ve had way too much of that the past couple of days.”
So no city then, and I bought us a selection of Celestial Seasons and Yogi Tea.
Our date night would break the habit of daily drinking.
Something that had been going on since way before Christmas.
I definitely would have had two glasses if our date had been in the city.
I don’t keep any alcohol at home because I don’t want to reward staying indoors. But normally I would have bought wine if I had someone coming over. But I knew Damian almost never drank.
When I told him that I was so happy with our indoor-date because it broke my drinking habits, his eyes lit up. He hadn’t even thought of going to the city! And he loved the idea of going for a drink!
But yesterday we were still at my home, with lots of privacy, so that might explain why our conversation got so intimate.
He told me something that had happened that he had not told anyone. And that had caused him anxiety. 
And I showed him a sex toy I had mixed feelings about.
I thought I was cool with it but I never put it in my blog, and only two of my partners have ever known about it.
Damian and me had such a fit of laughter when I brought it out.
I actually kept it hidden, before I showed it. And probably said ridiculous things like: “You have to promise you won’t laugh!”
While practically choking with laughter myself.
So there were obviously a lot of unresolved emotions connected to it.
And probably embarrassment too.
When Damian left it made me wonder:
Should I talk about this? Write about this?
And then this morning, much to my own surprise, I decided not to.
But I figured out why I ultimately chose not to write about it.
Here’s what I found:
Being ashamed of something has power over you.
But that doesn’t mean that sharing/ being transparent will give you power.
It’s the embarrassment itself, that makes you powerless.
Not the lack of honesty or transparency. 
For example: staying in the closet if you’re gay.
If you are okay with hiding your sexuality, because it means you re more easily accepted, and you don’t offer others an opportunity to talk about something that is basically none of their business, then the closet is empowering.
Because you are consciously withholding information for your own gain.
And should your lie come out you will just say:
“Okay, busted. Tried to slip it by you.”
But on the other hand, if you are in the closet because you believe you are unlovable because of your preferences , or because you fear people withdrawing their love if you come out, then it has become a trap.
You are withholding information out of fear of losing something.
Should your lie now come out, you will feel the shame of being the way you are AND the shame of having lied.
Double trouble.
And yet, I m not going to tell you what I shared with Damian.
Writing about something that embarrasses me, has often been cathartic.
But I think my conversation with Damian, as well as my thoughts on this blog post (was I going to share, or not?) made me realize I m still learning here, I m fine-tuning the skill of honesty and transparency.
If you find a way to come to terms with some aspect of yourself, without having to tell anyone, you can ultimately get even more power and pleasure from it, than if you share.
I will end this blog post explaining how keeping things secret can benefit you.
But first I want to go into when it can be beneficial to tell.
And how to do it to make it so.

1. Tell

Telling your truth to the outside world can be beneficial when you are consumed by fear of some truth coming out.
It’s like ripping the band-aid.
It will hurt for a moment, but it can empower you.
There are 2 ways to do this.
Two scenarios.
Scenario 1. The Big Leap
Reveal all and stand your ground. Regardless of what’s coming your way. Ideally, you must be prepared to lose everything over this, and see it as one big test if you are actually owning this.
If you expect an outcome, and reveal all based on the premises that it won’t be that bad, that’s an awful position to be in.
I ve once heard on selling: People don’t buy your product, they buy your certainty.
Ultimately you want to be able to reveal your secret, because it is a training of you learning to be certain, regardless if people buy/ accept.
You’re opening the floodgates, because you know it will teach you how to go next level. It’s swim or drown.
Since this scenario is more public, you could imagine something like:
You start a blog, under a pen name or alias, about being gay, and dating multiple men. Or if you want to really open the floodgates you do it under your real name.
But I would advise against that, and suggest scenario 2 for your inner circle:
Scenario 2. Revealing and asking help.
In many ways, this scenario is similar to 1. You have to be willing to lose all, and you certainly must not assume everyone will want to help you.
But this is definitely a softer scenario, and it is particularly suitable for more intimate situations.
Where scenario 1 is perfect go next level, leveraging social media, scenario 2 is more for an email to friends, or your employer.
Scenario 2 is:
“This is what’s been going on in my life, and I would love your support in this and this way.”
It’s being specific in what you need, that is the magic trick here.
For example:
“I am gay, and I am dating multiple men. I would love to be able to talk openly about that, whenever we’re together.”
Then you will have brought the discussion back to whether or not they’re going to give that specific support.
But you’re not putting the fact itself, up there for debate.
So these are the two scenarios to make sharing the truth, an empowering experience. You will no longer have the paralyzing fear that it will come out.
Because you’ve already done it yourself

Not tell

But if something is only slightly embarrassing or uncomfortable, you can also come to terms with it behind the scenes.
And keep it a secret, but one you’re in control of.
This was the case with me discussing my sex life with my friend Damian.
It was something that gave me the giggles, and he cracked jokes and I laughed so hard, it made my stomach ache.
But ultimately, if someone asked me about it, or found out about it, I would be able to say: “I don’t feel like discussing that.”
Or, alternatively: “What do you want to know?”
It’s not that big a deal.
And there’s another aspect that made me decide not to tell this now, just for the sake of it. And that reason is: I actually look forward to talking about this.
I feel it’s part of something larger. An unexplored side of sexuality.
The fact that it managed to fascinate even Damian, made me realize this sex toy was triggering. And most likely in a good way.
So knowing there is a bigger story to be told, a bigger perspective to be offered, is a really good reason to not share the more shallow or obvious facts now.
I compare it to when I became a mistress.
My confusion lay in the fact that I didn’t know what I was.
I knew I had gotten involved in a relationship with a married man, and I expected him to choose for me, because why would he not?!
And then he didn’t.
We got into this power struggle, where I didn’t understand what was going on, and he was not letting me in on his motives or his reasons.
But then I decided:
“He will have his reasons. I love him, and I will stand by him. Whatever his choice may be.”
I took my wounded ego for not being chosen, out of the equation and gave myself a different role, an identity.
I was a mistress.
I chose to be that.
Yet, if I had come out with my messy “Oh! He doesn’t leave his wife, boo hoo hoo!” story? Things would have been much more complicated.
I would probably have been looking for validation and it would not have been empowering at all.
By letting it simmer for a while, and giving it meaning, a narrative, I have allowed people to connect with that.
To connect with the story on a deeper level.
But the existence of my sexuality, a mistress, and his sexuality, a cheating husband, are presented by me, as a given. They’re not up for debate.
I only discuss how women with my preferences, and men with his preferences, can learn to accept themselves for what they are.
And be the best version of that.
It wasn’t until I saw I was a mistress, that I was able to see the deeper meaning, a story that affects many more people;
The women who keep feeling attracted to unavailable men, but also the betrayed women, and men who cheat.
My perspective on the nature of the mistress, the cheater, and even the betrayed wife, provides meaning in a situation that has the potential to crush all who are involved.
It offers healing, for all parties.
In a similar fashion I feel discussing my triggering sex toy alone, is premature. That I want to wait for the whole story to come out. I already know that it’s not something that is talked about or addressed anywhere else.
Least of all in main stream sex advice.
And in the process of creating this broader narrative, I do actually look forward to discussing it in real life!
But just with the people I drink with.
For Damian and me, Yogi Tea might have been enough.
But if you are interested in knowing what it was I showed Damian, and want to be part of me exploring the deeper meaning, the taboos, the reasons this is so sensitive – then we re going to need to become friends.
And we’re going to need plenty of wine. 

<3LSH
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

To tell or not to tell is episode 17 of my project 7-figure rock star writer  
The subscribe button to this diary is somewhere on this page

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I quit writing (about my love life)

Project M. and in particular its last chapter Like a Prayer is my final diary for an indefinite period of time. 

I ve been writing about my love life, pretty much non-stop, since 2006, the moment I became single. And although it has brought me many things – in particular the opportunity to have relationships that are way out of my league – it has now started to constrict me.
The cage of self-reflection and transparency, that I built to protect myself, has become a prison.
I need to start living, and start experiencing life, without the pen.
Or at least without diary writing/ blogging about my real life.

I m going to use this time to create my four new books

One Dutch book with columns:
Blote Kont
Verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit

One English book with columns:
I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW

One English book about Mistresshood:
The Big Mistress

And one diary 2017-2018, called Reboot.
Which will also include my last diary Project M.