Consent and creating a safe space { start 30 day sabbatical }

This is the post I thought I wouldn’t write!
This morning I got behind my desk, in order to start my new book on consent play; The part of my sexuality which I have been consciously downplaying my whole life because I thought it wasn’t good enough.
Irresponsible even.
And I actually looked forward to starting fresh and leaving everything already written here on this blog, behind me. 
I would start by creating a safe place.
For myself, in the form of a 30 day sabbatical from blogging and social media. As well as for the reader, by opening with a chapter on the need to protect our sexuality.

To NOT let the big world in telling us it’s dangerous and that we’re opening the doors to being raped in real life. And that we’re at least partially responsible for all the date rapes and the #metoo victims, because our sexuality leaves too much room for interpretation.
Where BDSM is viewed by everyone as its own world with its own rules and therefore safe, our consent play takes place in the real world.
It’s not in the SM basement, using special rope and safe words.
It’s in the woods where your lover is forcing himself onto you.
Someone walking by would not know the difference between a real rape, and your play. But that doesn’t mean that your lover doesn’t know.
Or that you are mistaken.
One of the most mesmerizing concepts of BDSM for me, has been the use of safe words. And I ve heard of one woman being raped by her boyfriend, in what could have been interpreted as play-rape.
She used their safe word but was raped anyway.
She went public with her story and many women stepped forward, telling stories about him, and what he had done to them.  
This story to me implies we are all at risk of being raped, once someone doesn’t respect your boundaries. Just because you play with these boundaries, does not put you more at risk.
Nor does having a safe word mean you re safe.
It only gives you the assurance that you as a woman have done all you could to make it absolutely clear that you didn’t want it. That you were not to blame.
The only safety we have in any type of sex is this:
The reason I always got this weird feeling about safe words, whenever we had played rough and I realized much later that we had done so not having any safe words, which is like BDSM rule number 1 – is that although I m all pro-safety, I got a feeling it was actually dangerous, to work with safe-words.
And then I realized why.
I feel if you’re with someone who is not able to read you, you shouldn’t even be with this person in the first place. To me, a deep trust and understanding between me and a lover is the basis for play. Not every man is willing, nor able, to connect with a woman on that kind of level.
To let her resist and cry, and at the same time be completely tuned in to when she is not enjoying it. That is tremendous hard work!

And skilled work too!
But to me, although I think having a safe word can never hurt, it does give me an uncomfortable feeling because it’s like you’re simplifying things that should not be simplified. 

I m still not sure if I would be able to describe the man who is able to offer this kind of play, but my estimate is that it’s not a man with a fixed preference.
He “is” not a dominant.
My estimate is that a man who’s able to be a consent-play partner is a man who loves to please women. 
A man who is actually much more versatile in his sexuality than she is.
His joy comes from pleasing her.
His power stems more from his ability to put her at ease and make her feel safe, than from having the dominant position in their play.
That is why we, submissive consent-play lovers, will be confused if men offer themselves as dominants or rough play partners. We will feel something is off here… but what is it?
I think because what I would call a “real” consent-play man is versatile. He lets her determine which game they’re going to play. And as soon as he feels her presence this is what he will do:
He ll step back.
Creating a space of pure consciousness between him and her.
It is quiet and peaceful. There are no rules there that he put up. Nor are there traces of the women before her, or ideas on what he thinks sex should be.
It’s completely blank.
He just IS there, offering the space for her to enter.
And if she does, he is still just there, quiet.

Maybe he makes her tea, cracks a little joke.
If he talks about sex he does it in relation to her. He’s interested in her, not in forcing his ideas about sex onto her.
To me, the difference between BDSM and consent play would look something like this
BDSM has
– rules and safe words
– a dominant partner, from the first moment 
– and a submissive who (during play) says yes and agrees. She has her safe words to indicate him to stop.
Consent play has
– no rules, but they are constantly tuned in. The couple can of course have safe words as a backup.
– a versatile dominant, who will be able to have satisfying sexual relationships with women with all kinds of preferences
-and a submissive who determines the rules, and selects her partner. But during play she says no, kicks, screams or just lets him “abuse” her because she’s supposedly too afraid and intimidated to stop. She will “act” differently, when she wants him to stop or change. For example use her normal tone of voice.
What I wanted to do today, when I started on this blank page writing my new book, is stating we, women with these preferences, have a right to explore our sexuality.

And we should be very weary getting caught up in projections of other people’s fear of abuse, and our own fears as well.
Compare it to Christian families where fear of pregnancy is used as a weapon to keep girls from experimenting.
And I grew up in the eighties: Aids warnings were intertwined with condoning sex with multiple partners.
Pregnancy warnings, as well as the hiv/aids warnings, as well as each and every tale or warning about sex, is an area where mixing in morale is almost inevitable.
Instead, every warning with regard to sex, should include – and preferably very explicitly – the following four elements: 

1. acknowledgement that you can never be a 100% safe unless you completely refrain from sex.
Therefor saying things like: “As long as you are doing it safe,” are wrong.
What you can do is say: “There is no such thing as a hundred percent safety. But can I help you in any way? Buy you condoms, or be your backup if you’re meeting a stranger? Or a talk if you feel insecure about things that happened?”
2. acknowledgement that your environment (whether viewed as high in risk or low in risk) is already largely determined by the nature of your sexuality.

Acting as if you can choose to be safe or not safe, implies that you can choose to be gay or straight, to be monogamous or have multiple partners, and ultimately also a choice between having consent-play or not.
But these things are natural preferences that will bring you in different types of situations. Even if we would agree that there are less risks when you are married (do we agree?!) it would still not acknowledge that your sex life is a reflection of your sexuality.
You can’t say “Oh, this and this sex life is the safest, I ll pick that one.”
The chances that you just picked the sex life that is honoring your sexuality, are zero.
You need to start with your sexuality, and the sex life that goes with that, will appear.
3. acknowledgement that just because something is dangerous, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
I remember in Africa our parents told us to never turn rocks because there could be scorpions underneath. Years later I confessed to my mother that we did turn rocks, but we ran away immediately and then slowly approached to look at what’s underneath.
She answered: “Because we had warned you, you were cautious. If we had not warned you, you would not have known.”
Warnings about dangers should never be a sign that you shouldn’t do it.
Just that you are aware of the risks.
4. acknowledgement that sex is not easy, and assurance that whatever happens, you will be loved
This is HUGE. Imagine sex education starting with this:
“Dear students,
I will not sugarcoat this for you.
Sex is probably the most complicated social activity that exists.
It requires skills like risk assessment, diplomacy, and knowing yourself.
Many powerful men and women have made mistakes that have cost them their lives. And other men and women have avoided those mistakes, but they’ve languished in loveless marriages and have been consumed by regret.
Great art has come of it. Empires have been built with it. But it has also decimated entire communities, and brought down civilizations.
Yet, the only way to learn what sexuality is, and what treasures it holds for you, is by doing it. We will prepare you, but it will barely cover 10% of what you will encounter. In reality it will be way closer to learning on the job.
And a very complicated job.
But before we begin I want you to know the most important thing.
And you may want to write this down.
You will be loved, regardless of what happens.
No matter what mistakes you make, no matter how many times you lose control or hurt yourself or someone else. As long as you can learn from what you’re doing, you will be loved.
As long as you’re willing to get better, and create more love, both for yourself and others;
You will be loved.
And if this enables you to keep studying, and to not settle for easy solutions.
But instead you keep aiming higher than anyone else has ever dared to go.
Then sex will not just give direction to your life.
But instead it will give hope and provide meaning for anyone you come into contact with.
For you will have mastered the true essence of existence.
You will have mastered love.”

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

Start 30 day sabbatical

This blog post is the beginning of my 30 day sabbatical, in which I will be publishing my books and write my book on consent play.
I ve changed the title to Playing no. Diary of submissive non-consent fantasies
The biggest change compared to the earlier title is that I ve removed the word rape from the title, so that it’s less triggering.
And I ve made it from a guide for women into a personal diary.
Which gives me maximum freedom to write from a personal perspective and also means it will be less triggering for the reader – since I obviously don’t pretend to know what your preferences are.
I merely share mine.

I will go offline for at least 30 days.
And when I return I will have my four books ready:

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)
5. Playing no. Diary of submissive non-consent fantasies
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. 
The subscription button is somewhere on this page, probably on the right.

About this book Playing No

I have already started, since the first chapters will be based on this post and the previous 2 blog posts (To tell or not to tell and Playing no)
Tomorrow I m starting the rest of the book and I m writing it offline.
I will be writing about the non-consensual fantasies and I will also write about the different sexual acts.
The sexual acts can also be part of BDSM or normal non-role playing sex. The main characteristic of consent play is the “victim” pretending not to like it, or pretending to be in a setting where she is forced to comply.
However the acts themselves are important for me to describe.
Name and claim them.
And why they fit in so well into this play.
I have never seen these acts discussed in main stream media and this has slowed down the process of me coming to terms with who I am and what I like.
I want to write them out so that the women who read my book do see these taboo subjects written down by a fairly normal, sane, Dutch woman of 46 years old.
I want to put to paper all those fantasies that feel so good, yet I m pretty sure there are still so many negative thoughts associated with it as well.
Let’s fix that 😉 

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

Consent and creating a safe place is episode 19 of my project 7-figure rock star writer  
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I m taking time off to publish my four books + to write this new book
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