I’m here in my temporary office, at my mother’s house. I haven’t touched my computer in days, and it’s scaring me.
My mother asked me what my plans were for today -I m only working for two hours – and I said:
“To become friends with my computer.”
My hands are shaking, I woke up with a headache, and I have no idea where to begin.
My last entry was on my phone.
A Facebook post where I explained why plans had changed. Which ultimately led to even more time offline, due to personal circumstances which I won’t share.
Anyway, before all that – here’s what I wrote last Tuesday:
“Sweethearts, this is not how I planned all this, moving in and out of sabbatical.
NOR did I plan for this final post to be a Facebook text instead of a proper blog.
A phone typed English-only thing without spelling check;
Eventhough (should have been 2 words) I planned on writing an English and Dutch blog tomorrow.
But I can’t.
In short two things happened which threw me offtrack within a 30 day writing & publishing sabbatical.
Firstly, the book I was writing offline fucked with my head. Which is wild. Just not when you need your head in order to publish 4 books.
Then you need to write one skin-deep, super high vibe 90 minute blogpost just to start the day.
Which was the plan.
But then the 2nd thing happened; I moved to a temporary house for 3 weeks while my own house is being renovated.
But in the first week they will have heating and window renovations here as well AND the wifi not doing what it’s supposed to.
So I spent today making arrangements to save at least some of my 21 Artist In Residence days, and succeeded. I have my work place set up somewhere nice, with heating, windows, wifi. Can t wish for anything more.
But it s not my home.
I can t work my unlimited working hours there.
I have to plan them, by block.
And will work 2-6 hours maximum, every day.
No more writing babe.
Publishing smack down every hour I can muster.
Every time block GO ALL IN.
Back Thursday February 7.”
The book I was writing which I was referring to (which drove me mad) was called “Playing No. Diary of submissive non-consent fantasies” And it was “wild” indeed. So philosophical.
If I have other days where I can’t work, for example because my computer scares me, I ll reblog the chapters I want to save.
But the book itself?
Maybe it’s because – just like the mistress topic – writing about this aspect of my sex life is more an ongoing thing. Something to study while writing a blog, instead of writing it offline.
My main reason for wanting to write offline was to go deep into the material. But as a result my life was completely destabilized within a week. The relative shallowness of blogging your work, which means immediately sharing what you’ve written, is actually a blessing for me.
It ensures that I don’t cut too deep!
That I don’t jump into the void just for the sake of it, only to resurface a week later, realizing I actually lost an entire week’s worth of work and not gained anything, except for a learning experience.
What I’m doing today – working behind my computer, reading emails, things that scare me! – is actually opposite to the approach that brought me the meltdown.
I’m now coasting, where I was jumping in.
“Becoming friends” is derived from a tactic they use in soccer, related to the youngest children. I used to date a soccer coach, and he explained what the different learning goals were for the junior teams.
And the smallest children, I think they were 4 or 5 years old, were just there to “become friends with the ball”.
I ve always remembered that. Or at least tried to remember it, for times like this when something is intimidating, and all you feel is guilt and shame for how far you could have been, should have been, IF ONLY you had not dropped out of it.
But yesterday (Wednesday) I also couldn’t work because of the unexpected setback in my personal life. It had cost me a night’s sleep and it took all my remaining foggy brainpower to work through it.
Now I have an understanding as to why it happened and what the things were, which needed to be figured out anyway.
But after losing Monday to the move into my new temporary apartment, Tuesday to setting up my office, it not working, relocating the whole thing to here; AND Wednesday to personal drama?
That’s three days in a row!
For a writer/ book publisher who was already still recovering from her one week offline book writing meltdown, it was bad timing to say the least.
And why I m now starting at the most basic level.
Becoming friends with my computer.
I have two more goals;
– open an email which I don’t know what’s in it, and from someone I have in high regard.
– go to one of my blogs and copy/paste/harvest at least one post, and paste it into my archive in order to create it into a book. Just so that I ve gone through the moves today at least once; Select with mouse. Copy. Go to Word. Paste.
But first coffee…..
Okay, I enjoyed some procrastination time on Twitter and have a cup of coffee here. Deep breath. Going to open the email.
Spent ten minutes deleting and filing other emails. To take the scare off of it. Now I m going to open IT.
Oh it was really lovely. It was from someone whom I admire deeply, and he makes me blush, although I have no idea if he knows that.
Maybe he does.
Now, I m going to do my copy-paste thing.
*publishes post Becoming Friends*
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
Start 30 day sabbatical
is part of my posts I should not be writing because I m supposedly on a publishing sabbatical.
After which I will have my four books ready:
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2018
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- verhalen over mannen, macht en dagjes uit (Dutch)
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