2021 A Sexual Odyssey
BLACK HOLE (day 1)
Tuesday June 15
What did not help on day one of my sexual odyssey of broadening my sexual taste (or at least: finding some sexual nourishment other than very occasionally sleeping with the man I am in love with),
was that I woke up after nightmares of being in bed with someone I did not like.
It had been a very explicit dream where all my senses were registering the experience, and I was repulsed by each and every one of them.
Yet I toughened up because I knew I had chosen this. That I wanted more sex and needed to start somewhere
Which may explain why I felt sick of the project today already.
And I still do. There is not a bone in my body that thinks yesterday’s decision to broaden my taste, get extra sexual nourishment, was a good one nor an appealing one.
No matter how often I tell myself, as I did in yesterday’s blogpost already, that I DO NOT have to sleep with other men, and that this is an exploration of what I want and need;
I keep running images and experiences in my head that gross me out.
I did not do any of my physical or self-care routines. I didn’t move my body, I ate brownies all day. In my defense I had not bought them, they were a gift. And they were really good and I really enjoyed them.
But just a few days ago I would never have overate, and I would have cycled and kept my house clean.
All those little things that make you feel light, playful, sexual.
Instead of the discovery of new possibilities, the first day of 2021 A Sexual Odyssey seems to mark the loss of the only world I knew.
A vacuum, a black hole.
How do people do this?
2021 A Sexual Odyssey
FIRST RESULTS (day 3)
Thursday June 17
I dived in, eager to share some good news!
Only to then read the original project definition, as I had set for myself in the introductory blogpost.
and be disappointed that I probably didn’t have any good news after all. Just a better understanding of why my sexuality has become this problem.
The blogpost does not contain research questions but there are two definitions:
To only go for the highest level of sex, with a partner that you are deeply in love with, is
– in particular when you see that partner only occasionally – not healthy.
A girl needs to eat!
Quickly followed by:
A quest to becoming versatile. Learning to nurture myself,
and my physical sexual experience to whatever level it is I am comfortable with.
It is not until the final paragraph, that I give myself a little more room to wiggle:
The goal of this second sexual odyssey is to actively start looking for ways to nourish myself, sexually.
And whether that is by real sexual experiences, like in those years before I found the man who marked the end of my first sexual odyssey.
Or whether I will find another way to stay nourished;
I ll find that out along the way.
The good news was, that I think I found why my sexual energy still feels intact. I don’t feel depleted, despite having very little sex. That sex is high quality, but I don’t think it is because of that, that I don’t seem to fall prey to dryness, frustration or dullness that to me a lack of sex could logically be causing.
I m okay.
And even in 2020 when I didn’t have all the way sex at all, and only did things (with the same partner) where I could keep my pants on, 2020 is not a year where I thought I had “lost it” or something.
I could handle going without sex, and I always have.
In my single years I called them Panda years, and I had two of them. Two 12 month periods where I didn’t have any sex, or once I had a half nude kissing session on a couch. But no real sex, and it was deliberate even.
When I was at 7, 8 months I thought:
“I could make a project out of it!”
And never once did such a project feel like a period of abstinence.
You know why?
Because, when I say “project”? I say WRITING.
So I write about not having sex and being in a panda year. Just like I m writing now, about my sexual odyssey.
The good news I wanted to share, the thing I had found out in the first days of this project, was that my creativity in general, and writing in particular, is how I generate energy.
That is why not having sex doesn’t impact me that much.
Yet if I would economize on writing or would stop writing, the effect would be immediate and in all likeliness, disastrous.
I have found 3 reasons why writing, not physical sex, may actually Be my default sex.
Which would explain why my projects about not having sex are so easy to do;
They’re an alibi to write often, and to think a lot!
Which is the first reason why writing may be my default sex:
I am sapiosexual
My day-to-day connection to people, you could say the garden variety mental sex I engage in as often as possible, is an intellectual one.
Yet with the men I had sex with in my single years, or the before-current man years, I usually didn’t have that. Not with the majority, and the others were the ones whom I remember fondest. With whom things could have ended differently.
The reason I had nightmares the first night after starting this project, and the reason I have basically given up on the idea of restoring that single life I used to have,
is because I do not want to go back to having sex with those men I did not have a mental or intellectual click with.
It took me about 25 years or something, before I realized I was sapiosexual.
The reason it took so long was because I have a very strong physical connection with the men I fell in love with . I have often fallen in love at first sight.
So no way I could have logically known what their intellect was.
But in hindsight I think the reason it clicked, and that I remember a man like that to this day even if we never chatted long or are choosing not to see each other, the reason was the mental click.
That yes, the physical connection was there first, but it was backed up by our minds even if it was just a few hours. That’s the reason I remember them.
Just that I forgot all the men who halted me in my steps, and then there was no mental click.
Now, it is very clear, that the men I fell in love with were very intelligent and that it was this aspect that made it stick.
And what is writing other than an intellectual conversation with Self?
So the first reason my writing supplements sex is because its self-reflection is a satisfying substitute for the mental click I have with my preferred sex partners.
And it does so more, than having a physical partner with whom there is no intellectual click.
As I noticed the first night, that gives me nightmares.
I write with Nikki
The second reason why writing, not physical sex, may actually be my default sex, is that I write with Nikki.
For the first time in my life, I am corresponding with someone who might have been a lover, but under different circumstances. In the story of my 1996 diary I call him Nikki.
Perhaps because it’s not our intention to become lovers, we’re both trained writers, and because we’re both deliberate in our relationships, it worked out.
We’ve been writing about 9 months now I think.
Nikki is definitely a very important part of why I m doing so well, despite not having sex in real life.
In fact: He may be the reason I gave up on ever having to do anything without this level of mental intimacy.
He could be the reason there will never be a second time I have a single sex life.
And why it is very unlikely that I will ever have sex with men I m not in love with nor have a strong mental connection with.
What my lover, I call him Bear in the 1996 story, what Bear did for physical intimacy, and I discovered what sex really feels like when you re in love, that is what Nikki did for mental intimacy.
Both men changed the foundation of my sex life.
creativity = sex
The third reason why writing, not physical sex, is my default sex, is because creativity equals sex.
This is ageless wisdom.
Almost all writers and artists, at some point go through a phase of exploring this truth, and make it their own. From the pain of heartbreak and the boundless productivity of that time when you’re in love and all your art is about that person;
To the inexplicable urge to counter sickness and death with two things and two things only:
Sex and creativity are linked in so many ways, that it is no surprise that on day three of my sexual odyssey I know that my default form of sex IS creativity.
Mental creativity of the intellect.
Creative creation in the form or writing, but also performance, “being” a different person.
Over the years the situations that scared me shitless, as if I was to face the death of me!
Things that were:
Radiated a passive aggressive pressure to be normal.
It were places where I felt that both the power of creation, as well as the power of sexuality, were not appropriate. That you had to leave those powers at the door before you could enter.
That I am typing this is only because I got out in time.
And that I want to explore my sexuality, is because I want the discernment, to either never go back into such a toxic place again. A place where life is denied.
Or to go back in fully armed.
An unexamined life is not worth living
Is the second post of what I expect to be a long running,
yet very slow moving series:
“A Sexual Odyssey”
The sexual experiences themselves will be described within the narrative of
my 1996 diary.
You can follow both this 1996 diary as well as the “meta posts” on the Sexual Odyssey
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