First results | A Sexual Odyssey

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BLACK HOLE (day 1)
Tuesday June 15

What did not help on day one of my sexual odyssey of broadening my sexual taste (or at least: finding some sexual nourishment other than very occasionally sleeping with the man I am in love with),
was that I woke up after nightmares of being in bed with someone I did not like.

It had been a very explicit dream where all my senses were registering the experience, and I was repulsed by each and every one of them.
Yet I toughened up because I knew I had chosen this. That I wanted more sex and needed to start somewhere

Which may explain why I felt sick of the project today already.
And I still do. There is not a bone in my body that thinks yesterday’s decision to broaden my taste, get extra sexual nourishment, was a good one nor an appealing one.

No matter how often I tell myself, as I did in yesterday’s blogpost already, that I DO NOT have to sleep with other men, and that this is an exploration of what I want and need;
I keep running images and experiences in my head that gross me out.

I did not do any of my physical or self-care routines. I didn’t move my body, I ate brownies all day. In my defense I had not bought them, they were a gift. And they were really good and I really enjoyed them.

But just a few days ago I would never have overate, and I would have cycled and kept my house clean.
All those little things that make you feel light, playful, sexual.
And healthy.

Instead of the discovery of new possibilities, the first day of 2021 A Sexual Odyssey seems to mark the loss of the only world I knew.
A vacuum, a black hole.

How do people do this?

0f40b7e3720854246931cdc787ef6ae62021 A Sexual Odyssey
FIRST RESULTS (day 3)
Thursday June 17

I dived in, eager to share some good news! 
Only to then read the original project definition, as I had set for myself in the introductory blogpost.
and be disappointed that I probably didn’t have any good news after all. Just a better understanding of why my sexuality has become this problem.

The blogpost does not contain research questions but there are two definitions:

To only go for the highest level of sex, with a partner that you are deeply in love with, is
– in particular when  you see that partner only occasionally – not healthy.

A girl needs to eat!

Quickly followed by:

A quest to becoming versatile. Learning to nurture myself,
and my physical sexual experience to whatever level it is I am comfortable with.

It is not until the final paragraph, that I give myself a little more room to wiggle:

The goal of this second sexual odyssey is to actively start looking for ways to nourish myself, sexually.
And whether that is by real sexual experiences, like in those years before I found the man who marked the end of my first sexual odyssey.

Or whether I will find another way to stay nourished;
I ll find that out along the way.

The good news was, that I think I found why my sexual energy still feels intact. I don’t feel depleted, despite having very little sex. That sex is high quality, but I don’t think it is because of that, that I don’t seem to fall prey to dryness, frustration or dullness that to me a lack of sex could logically be causing.

I m okay.

And even in 2020 when I didn’t have all the way sex at all, and only did things (with the same partner) where I could keep my pants on, 2020 is not a year where I thought I had “lost it” or something.
I could handle going without sex, and I always have.

In my single years I called them Panda years, and I had two of them. Two 12 month periods where I didn’t have any sex, or once I had a half nude kissing session on a couch. But no real sex, and it was deliberate even.
When I was at 7, 8 months I thought: 
“I could make a project out of it!”
And never once did such a project feel like a period of abstinence.

You know why? 
Because, when I say “project”? I say WRITING.
So I write about not having sex and being in a panda year. Just like I m writing now, about my sexual odyssey.

The good news I wanted to share, the thing I had found out in the first days of this project, was that my creativity in general, and writing in particular, is how I generate energy.
That is why not having sex doesn’t impact me that much.
Yet if I would economize on writing or would stop writing, the effect would be immediate and in all likeliness, disastrous. 

I have found 3 reasons why writing, not physical sex, may actually Be my default sex.

Which would explain why my projects about not having sex are so easy to do;
They’re an alibi to write often, and to think a lot!
Which is the first reason why writing may be my default sex:

I am sapiosexual

My day-to-day connection to people, you could say the garden variety mental sex I engage in as often as possible, is an intellectual one. 

Yet with the men I had sex with in my single years, or the before-current man years, I usually didn’t have that. Not with the majority, and the others were the ones whom I remember fondest. With whom things could have ended differently.

The reason I had nightmares the first night after starting this project, and the reason I have basically given up on the idea of restoring that single life I used to have, 
is because I do not want to go back to having sex with those men I did not have a mental or intellectual click with.

It took me about 25 years or something, before I realized I was sapiosexual.
The reason it took so long was because I have a very strong physical connection with the men I fell in love with . I have often fallen in love at first sight.
So no way I could have logically known what their intellect was.

But in hindsight I think the reason it clicked, and that I remember a man like that to this day even if we never chatted long or are choosing not to see each other, the reason was the mental click.
That yes, the physical connection was there first, but it was backed up by our minds even if it was just a few hours. That’s the reason I remember them.

Just that I forgot all the men who halted me in my steps, and then there was no mental click.

Now, it is very clear, that the men I fell in love with were very intelligent and that it was this aspect that made it stick. 

And what is writing other than an intellectual conversation with Self? 

So the first reason my writing supplements sex is because its self-reflection is a satisfying substitute for the mental click I have with my preferred sex partners.
And it does so more, than having a physical partner with whom there is no intellectual click.

As I noticed the first night, that gives me nightmares.

I write with Nikki

The second reason why writing, not physical sex, may actually be my default sex, is that I write with Nikki.

For the first time in my life, I am corresponding with someone who might have been a lover, but under different circumstances. In the story of my 1996 diary I call him Nikki.
Perhaps because it’s not our intention to become lovers, we’re both trained writers, and because we’re both deliberate in our relationships, it worked out.

We’ve been writing about 9 months now I think.

Nikki is definitely a very important part of why I m doing so well, despite not having sex in real life.

In fact: He may be the reason I gave up on ever having to do anything without this level of mental intimacy.

He could be the reason there will never be a second time I have a single sex life.
And why it is very unlikely that I will ever have sex with men I m not in love with nor have a strong mental connection with.

What my lover, I call him Bear in the 1996 story, what Bear did for physical intimacy, and I discovered what sex really feels like when you re in love, that is what Nikki did for mental intimacy.

Both men changed the foundation of my sex life.

creativity = sex

The third reason why writing, not physical sex, is my default sex, is because creativity equals sex.

This is ageless wisdom.
Almost all writers and artists, at some point go through a phase of exploring this truth, and make it their own. From the pain of heartbreak and the boundless productivity of that time when you’re in love and all your art is about that person;
To the inexplicable urge to counter sickness and death with two things and two things only:
Sex.
And creation.

Sex and creativity are linked in so many ways, that it is no surprise that on day three of my sexual odyssey I know that my default form of sex IS creativity.
Mental creativity of the intellect.
Creative creation in the form or writing, but also performance, “being” a different person. 

Over the years the situations that scared me shitless, as if I was to face the death of me!
Things that were:
Grey
Business-like
Formal
Sexless
Official
Meager
Radiated a passive aggressive pressure to be normal.

It were places where I felt that both the power of creation, as well as the power of sexuality, were not appropriate. That you had to leave those powers at the door before you could enter.

That I am typing this is only because I got out in time.

And that I want to explore my sexuality, is because I want the discernment, to either never go back into such a toxic place again. A place where life is denied.

Or to go back in fully armed.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

First results
Is the second post of what I expect to be a long running,
yet very slow moving series:
“A Sexual Odyssey”

The sexual experiences themselves will be described within the narrative of
my 1996 diary.

You can follow both this 1996 diary as well as the “meta posts” on the Sexual Odyssey
on Facebook or subscribe to this blog.
Find the subscription button on this page.

.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

A girl has gotta eat | A Sexual Odyssey

still from 2001 a space odyssee
still from 2001 a space odyssey

This weekend I had the best dinner I ever had in my life.
And although I do not consider myself particularly knowledgeable in the field of gastronomy;
I am experienced.

On my mother’s side they learned me the nurturing qualities of home cooked food and they were pastry bakers as well, so I can definitely taste the difference between prepackaged and freshly baked cake and cookies.

And my father used to take us to fancy restaurants. I would not say “all the time”, but definitely as early as the 80s or 90s, special occasions were celebrated by going to a Michelin star restaurant.

And yet I did not get the best dinner of my life until this weekend.
Home cooked by someone who would probably be way too modest to ever agree with my assessment, and on a moment I was not chasing it. Which is a lesson in itself, obviously.

But something else also surfaced;
That a journey I have been on for 15 years, which was the quest to the perfect sexual affair, was completed six years ago. And has been enjoyed since.

Aside from the usual “it’s about the journey not the destination”- wisdom,
the journey really had been worth it.
My peak experience, or what I know to be sexually feasible, would never have been reached if it had not been for giving my sex life top priority for years, before I found the man who would “bring it home” so to speak.

If I would be with another man I am in love with, which did not happen since then (the being together part, the falling in love part does still happen every now and then), then I would give that liaison a very high chance of being an equally satisfying experience.
Or maybe not, but then so be it.

I still see my sexual savior occasionally but I never know if there will be a next time. We are not in an affair that has obligations. Every time can be the last time, and therefor every time is also the first time.
But there is a realistic chance it will happen again, so that’s great.
To have this sexual experience of the best dinner, on repeat.

But Darling!
Baby!
Lauren, Sweetie?
What HAVE you been eating the rest of the time?! Sexually that is. Because we all know that too little sex, is a dead ringer for overeating in the physical sense…

Sexually I have not been eating anything on the side. Just the high class fancy dinners.
So I have been starving.
Totally unhealthy situation.

My sexual malnutrition was also a direct result of the sex being so good!
I had found what I had set out to find, all those years ago…
And because I wanted to keep myself exclusive to only that, I had started identifying as someone who only had that sex. Just like Marilyn Monroe only drank champagne, I only had that type of premium sex.

“I am no longer going to do that again”, I would say
That referring to all the sexual experiences had been:
Cozy.
Nurturing.
An adventure.
A good time.

A gamble.
Taking a chance at winning but with the certain outcome of knowing you played the game!

And ever since I had found my preferred chef, I never even considered going back to having partners where sex had been about giving, way more than it had been about receiving.

Now I see that is no way to live.
To o
nly go for the highest level of sex, with a partner that you are deeply in love with, is – in particular when  you see that partner only occasionally – not healthy.
A girl needs to eat!

Which is why I have decided to go on my second Sexual Odyssey, because I already counted my quest for the perfect affair that started in 2006 as my first sexual odyssey.
So this is the second; A quest to becoming versatile. Learning to nurture myself, and my physical sexual experience to whatever level it is I am comfortable with.

Even if I cannot or don’t want to, have “all the way”- sex, then that’s okay too.

The goal is not to be fully functioning sexually with a wide variety of men, but to find out how I can stretch my boundaries, broaden my taste.
To “acquire my taste”, even.
Acquired taste is a term used in gastronomy to illustrate some tastes need to grow on you, you can’t dismiss them immediately.

Olives, are a food that is an acquired taste for me.
But oysters and mussels and snails, are food I would never try.
So just like with food, the goal is definitely not to experience or try things that do not appeal to me. But to be less rigid in my self-imposed monogamy.

The goal of this second sexual odyssey is to actively start looking for ways to nourish myself, sexually.

And whether that is by real sexual experiences, like in those years before I found the man who marked the end of my first sexual odyssey.
Or whether I will find another way to stay nourished;
I ll find that out along the way.

But a girl has gotta eat.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

A girl has gotta eat
Is the first post of what I expect to be a long running,
yet very slow moving series:
“A Sexual Odyssey”

The sexual experiences themselves will be described within the narrative of
my 1996 diary.

You can follow both this 1996 diary as well as the “meta posts” on the Sexual Odyssey
on Facebook or subscribe to this blog.
Find the subscription button on this page.

.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/