This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..
It is hard to resist reading what I wrote you last time, to provide context to how good I m feeling.
Am I really doing great?
Did I make optimum use of the past two weeks?
Of have I in fact been plateauing, and am I just on my End Of Lease Yoga Studio Emptied Out All Done – high, that is keeping me from seeing that I did not publish any books the past two weeks?
That I did not see my lover the past two weeks.
And that I m still a reborn virgin considering our last time intimate-intimate was months prior to him breaking up with me, so summer 2019.
Even my erotic pen buddy The Saint, has been less frequent in his correspondence, although certainly not less open or confidential.
But things have been better.
Something I DO remember from my last email to you, was an elaborate review of the masturbation challenge The Saint gave me!
And although that was very relevant to my creativity and productivity outbursts, every time I reread that letter on sexual alchemy, I thought:
“What will people think that I write this to a coach?”
So I do remember feeling self-conscious.
But despite the challenge, all its miraculous insights and the stunning results it brought me, I can confidently (and perhaps reassuringly) state that my sexuality has completely flatlined since then.
So there is absolutely nothing embarrassing to share this week.
Yet my coming to terms with owning my sexuality, and the decision that this is the way way it’s going to be, has become very defined and outspoken.
It feels totally different from last time.
There is such an awareness that because of Covid, and also because my lover will be having an affair with me (he’s married, as he was the past 6 years since we know each other) I ve calculated how this will influence our sex life, should we restart it.
This year, the times we were back to kissing, cuddling, maybe a bit or a lot more than that but still very modest and rounded off it doesn’t really count –
that was spontaneous.
We did not talk this through.
And I realize now that this was both something we still needed, we weren’t ready, had not made up our mind.
But it was also how things have historically always been between us.
To never know if you re going to have sex, or if it will be a normal coffee date that doesn’t even get to go some place private.
It was always up in the air and that was what made our dates fun.
I loved that dynamic of him always having to conquer me, and at the same time also him leaving me frustrated when he didn’t conquer me.
It was addictive.
However, and this is the new 2020 insight, under the current circumstances, if we are in the same domestic space, where we’ll very likely and just naturally will not have kept the 1,5 meter distance;
We ALREADY ARE close contacts!!
As defined by Dutch health services.
Dutch regulations do not distinguish, in terms of contagion and danger, between being in the same room doing the dishes together, or doing a 12 hour marathon of which body part fits where and a rerun of the ones you liked.
To Dutch Health Services those are all “close contacts”.
So a hairdresser and a lover have the same status, when it comes to catching or spreading Covid.
Now, I wonder, do you see what I see?
Because in my opinion this means that, contrary to all the years we were together, this is a time to shake up our routine, and have a basic understanding that if we see each other;
We’re going to have sex.
I understand what we’ve been doing this year;
It was messy.
It was not the best choice.
And considering the risks we took even breathing the same air, the discussion and my thoughts on how to manage having an affair/ a sex life/ a lover, with Covid going round, were almost surreal because if you’re already in the same domestic space you may as well get going with it,
When you know better you do better, right?
So now that I see this, now that I realize that I don’t have to overthink how far I want to go, and if I only want him as a normal friend, or just as someone to kiss and cuddle with, or (if he would like that) if I want to have sex;
Now I feel so thrilled!
It’s not that there will ever be an obligation or entitlement, from him to me or from me to him.
Of course every sexual move will be deeply felt by both, and very consensual.
So this is not about bypassing that.
But any principal choices are completely irrelevant!
Due to Covid, lovers or people who want affairs, have a binary choice.
No more complicated stuff.
Here’s the binary 2020 choice on anything from friendships, sex and relationships:
option ( 0 ) You’re friends, you meet for walks in the open air.
Technically this is still a “close contact” according to the Dutch health services, but I think it is so obvious that this is a far safer situation than any indoor appointment or date
option ( 1 ) You’re lovers who have sex.
ANY and ALL arrangements that are no ( 0 ), automatically round of to ( 1 )!
Isn’t that absolutely thrilling?!
It’s like a game, where I knew how to play it, and then the rules changed.
And my initial response was phobic, was confused, was defeated.
But now that I understand what this new situation actually means, and that it has made a complex multilayered decision extremely easy, it has become exciting.
It has the excitement of having sex with an entirely new man, except now it is the excitement of having sex in a totally new world.
This time in my life, where sex is a binary choice, will never happen again.
And I can’t wait for it to start!
An unexamined life is not worth living
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