I’m healed, good to go, pret-a-porter and definitely done (final episode) | The C Diaries episode 5

This is the final episode of my series about my Covid induced celibacy.

On one day I received:

– a very sexy and empowering photo from the only female friend I have who is as sexual as I am.

– a message from my former lover
Sex or no sex, active status or not;
At this point I consider him the patron saint of my sexuality.

Speaking of saints;

– an email from The Saint
Today’s message brought out an avalanche of sexual ambitions that made me realize that although I did not have sex yet, I am fully healed of all fears and phobias.
I m not just good to go, I better start moving because I have so much I want to do!

I started this series when I noticed Covid brought out dormant social phobias. Just like with Aids in the 80s, my anxiety appeared to be around catching Covid, and triggered by not being able to handle the risks of sex.
But in reality it were always social phobias.

I was afraid of the social consequences of becoming hiv positive.
And in 2020 I became afraid of the social consequences of testing positive for Covid or of being deemed irresponsible.

What I picked up as a teen, and what I ve picked up in 2020 as well, is that there is a lot of unresolved tension around sex, and around other topics that society is just way too eager to piggyback onto some contagious disease.
The disease, and conversations and regulations on how to prevent it, becomes this HUGE metaphor, that provides an umbrella to take shelter from the real topics that none of us want to address.

Just like when Aids became a way to keep teens from exploring sex;
Covid too is taking the fall for a lot of things that have been falling apart for years.
Like our stripped healthcare system, making The Netherlands dependent on Germany for ICU beds and Covid test capacity.

Although both Aids and Covid are real threats, they are almost impossible to have healthy, transparent conversations about, because of other fears, other judgements; Because of conflicts of interest, reluctance to invest, ruthless budget cuts, and so on. 

So that was largely the starting point for these C diaries;
That I had a social phobia, and not a phobia related to hypochondria.

And I’m sure I ve also mentioned, and if not then now is the time, that the reason I had fallen prey to this Covid induced social phobia, was because I felt people had become shameless in projecting their fears onto other people.
It was basically about a demand from others:

“Give me a safe feeling.”

There’s few things I do so reluctantly, as giving people a safe feeling. 
I never do it without making a mental note to minimize contact, and will remove that person from my life if I can.
Feeling safe is your job, not mine.

So that is what I can remember from how I started this series.

But the main breakthrough came when I started thinking in terms of eroticism. More than sex, I need space where everything and anything can happen.
It’s the reason I resist monogamous relationships.
It’s the reason I will never have “a sex date”.
I need possibilities, options, tension, a field where we can play.

The erotic space, as a space where anything can happen, has explained for me, why my sexuality fell flat on its face when Covid came and I tried to connect with the rest of society over the dangers, and over how to now do life and so on.

My erotic space evaporated, and my libido with it.

Since I know that I have been able to restore and protect my erotic space, I’m healed.
It’s over.
I can now have sex with Covid present, just like I can have sex and manage the risk of hiv.

And the three messages I got today, from my three friends, brought out the first glimpses of all that is yet to come. Of all the things I have not experienced yet, and that I want to.
From being fearful and paralyzed, I feel life has now become this giant erotic space, filled with the three questions my lover once asked me:
“What do you really want?
Or are you afraid to ask?
Afraid you’re too horny?”

I know what I really want.
I am not afraid to ask.
And there is no such thing as too horny.

An unexamined life is not worth living

So a new era has started.
New sexual adventures will be most likely be shared, although there can be time delay because I always need to keep it for myself for a while.
And sometimes the time is not right.

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