The Warhol Connection | The C Diaries episode 1

This is my series about being Covid induced celibacy.
This week I made the conscious choice, that I would not have sex anymore.
In all honesty?
I could have pulled it off if I wanted..
Of course I could have.
But because I m so frightened of catching anything, transmitting anything, but most of all frightened of having my entire social network round up by health services, I have to pick my battles.
The wisdom and experience of the first 6 months with Covid taught me I had 3 choices.
And these were or/or. Not and/and.

Option 1: The Eight

was to limit social interaction to about 8 people, whom I would speak mainly on walks.
– low stress levels
– low uncertainty
– high productivity
The main reason I did not choose this safe option, is I did that from March to June. In July, when I started to experiment with option 2, it was because I was at the point where The Eight just did not feel “right” anymore.
I was starting to feel like those families who live in their nuclear basements:
“You re safe, but what exactly is your life?” 

Option 2: The Sex Route

Option 2 was my favorite, where I focus on my sex life and let the rest fall into place.
The reason I did not choose this option, was because I didn’t enjoy the dynamics around it.
In one of my blog posts I lied, suggesting there was a “talking through” our safety measures and risk assessment.
This was not true.
I do know how to pick a guy, and create the right atmosphere where you are both VERY aware it’s dangerous and kind of let that work for you.
And so did they.
But in my perception, that (talking too explicitly about the dangers) would be a very common thing, a trap.
If I learned anything from my late hiv/aids phobia, it’s that there is no such thing as safe sex. Only safer.

No, the reason I didn’t enjoy the dynamics was that I was very aware of the danger the entire time, and not in an erotic way.
I also didn’t like the two week purgatory, where the other person might contact you there are health problems.

I like my sex hot, and then to drop back to starting from courting.
Not two weeks of
lukewarm purgatory where you’re not in, but not off the hook either.
This left me the third option: 

Option 3: Focus on public life

Start going out alone.
I have hardly visited any venues, shops, cafes, bars, museums, nor worked on location, for 6 months.
However it was clear to me, I needed to be doing this alone and not with friends.
That would be too stressful, to have someone there with me. I realized this after a hurried escape today from a cafe today.
Being in a public space is so stressful, it’s almost unbearable, and the only reason I do it is to toughen myself up and because I don’t want to feel I did the Covid variation of staying in the nuclear bunker.
But because I would now no longer know my Covid status/risk, it did mean that I would not be expanding on social interactions with The Eight.

And I would go hard-core celibate.
So today was the first day I went to a cafe since we had new regulations.
I survived.
But I left midway in my second coffee because the person at the table next to me coughed for the second time in ten minutes.

I lost the entire day recovering from that..
And seeing how badly I was responding, there were just so many plans I needed to cancel or change.
My months with The Eight had been poised, and my summer had been a disaster, but at least it was tied to specific things that happened. Making out and a bit more.
But with Option number 3, I could be exposed to what I thought were life threatening situations DAILY!
I could see a lot of plans falling apart. A lot of things I now knew I would not be able to do, if my stress levels were going to be at this level for the rest of the Covid crisis.

I almost felt as stressed out from that cafe than from sex in July and August.
But this time I pushed through.
Going back into the mini-circle was just not going to be an option, for the upcoming year. Or for however long it’s going to take for society to change back to how it was.
So although I did not change my mind today, with regard to celibacy, it was a straining day, and I needed to be inspired.
I remembered Warhol was celibate.
So was Lenny Kravitz for a long time by the way. That is inspiring too.
But I Googled Warhol, and found this:
“Warhol used his celibacy as a way to set himself (emotionally and physically)
from the Factory and society at large.
This lends a kind of power and control to what Warhol does.
He is free in his bachelorhood.
He is not constrained or weighed down by outside influences. “
Celibacy is setting oneself emotionally and physically apart from society,
and power and control shall be theirs.
Sounds like I made the right choice.

Suzanne/ Lauren living.


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I am Suzanne, the real name of Lauren Harteveld,
Lauren/ LS Harteveld was my second identity under which I wrote about sex, relationships, pop culture, from 2006 to 2020.
Lauren is now in 1995, so she will write offline for us.
Her first year 1994-1995:
Originally Lauren was going to write offline in 1995, but since I don’t have a sex life anymore, there is no reason for such discretion. 

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

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