“What the fuck do you want from me, Catherine?”

I feel that the femme fatale figure of legend,
myth and modern popular culture tells the truth about sexual relations..
About male fear of woman, not male hatred of woman.
The femme fatale shows that in her supernatural kind of power,
that woman is ultimately unknowable.
Not only to man, but to herself.
Camille Paglia
audio commentary to Basic Instinct 
This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.
Dear Sara,
There is only one part of my 1994 project that is actually taking flight.
Just one part of my life, that easily transcends 25 years back, and I would be able to write about in my 1994 series.
Everything else that happened is just untranslatable.
I can’t share that I ve decided to go out into the world under my real name, starting with an entirely new Bon Jovi YouTube series.
The only filming we did in 1994, was with a camera that had videotapes in them. And we were unlikely to share it with anyone we did not already know.
I also cannot tell how I found the bestest job in the history of being LS Harteveld. A job opening which has excited me to the level of Jon Bon Jovi funding my life on the condition that I only do whatever the fuck I want, every day, for the rest of my life.
And if that means I will do him, that would be great. But if not he’ll still be my biggest fan.
That would be like the Next Best Thing, to finding this job.
But it is so tied to modern culture that I have not found a way to translate it to 1994.
And in this 1994 series, which really feels like ages since last time I wrote for it, I also cannot tell that in order to apply for this job I am supposed to clean up all my blogs at least to some degree, in order to apply.
And also, the absolute daunting task awaited me, of going through both of the YouTube channels (the description boxes) to clean them up, take out any cross-referencing from my secret pen name to my real name, take out all services that I no longer offer, websites that I no longer support and social media accounts that have changed.
And remove everything that I don’t want biting me in the ass, when I m visible or famous under my real name.
Nor did I want anything online which I did not 100% stood by, the moment I was sending out the most important application of my life.
And – and! – Sara, you are not going to believe this;
I can also not work into my 1994 series that YouTube then did the stuff nightmares are made of:
Five years of work, trimmed endings, cut monologues, ringing doorbells and bare bellies from tops that exposed me;
All online.
And that’s just the stuff under my real name.
God knows what I edited from my more candid LS Harteveld channel.
That channel could have an atomic bomb of bloopers, that could blow up any career, let alone the carefully crafted public image I was creating under my real name.
But the good news is that the unexpected YouTube fail left me no choice but to simply take down all 500 videos on my two channels, only leaving a goodbye video on my LS Harteveld channel, and the three videos I had shot for my new series under my real name.
It cost me four hours of intense anxiety and full-blown panic on a Monday night.
It saved me days and days of editing description boxes and a guilt trip towards my audience for every video I removed.
A simple apology on both my channels, explaining what had happened and why I removed the videos, was all it took.
I think I owe YouTube a big Thank You.
So all these major life events, the decision to become known under my real name, starting a new video series, finding the perfect job opening, and my adventures with my YouTube channel and the blessing that turned out to be, colored the past two weeks.
Yet I did not write anything for the only series that I hold in the highest regard, and that I consider the most pure version of me:
Where I translate my life into a fictionalized past.
22 Year old Lauren had not moved a finger, in the area of work nor her writing.
And there was really only one aspect where I knew what she had been up to:
She had fallen in love with Michael Douglas.
She had no idea why she had managed to miss him, when she had seen Basic Instinct at the theater, but she had.
And now that she owned a videotape of Basic Instinct, she just couldn’t take her eyes off of him.
She was spellbound by his strong, macho on-screen presence. And she was sure the magic was in his voice. 
The way he said: 
“What the fuck do you want from me Catherine?” while looking straight into Sharon Stone’s eyes, up close, sparked a deep longing in her to be with a man again.
To have a man asking her that question, in an almost bored, definitely not impressed with her, way.
Maybe her ex-lover Bear would?
She still thought almost exclusively about him. Even though he seemed to have really left.
But maybe it would be someone else, someone new who would come into her life and possess that same kind of distant cool, that made her feel safe. 
Whoever it was, she would recognize him if she saw him.
She was sure of it.
And he, would recognize her.

An unexamined life is not worth living

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

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