Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.
The upcoming week will not bring any dramatic change, nor a massive production of blog posts, because I m kind of… I don’t know.
I know who I am, I know what I want, and the days of changing direction or wasting time are behind me.
And as soon as I try to explain it, it rapidly turns into this boring list of all the blog posts I wrote that shaped my mind. I think I m close to 10 including several written under my real name, all written in the past 2 weeks.
I didn’t just write, I also worked and did other things.
First I assumed it was my obsession with January 1st, that I just wanted to start the decade off by myself.
But then it became the second of January, third. And nothing changed.
I would go to the movies, theater, see friends even. But it was almost like I made sure it didn’t impact me as much as it usually does.
I could feel that although I wished I had started the year fresh;
I still had things to figure out.
There was still “life clutter”.
2020 Had not started as clear and purposeful as I had hoped.
To figure things out, and let go what was no longer needed.
The good news was it worked.
Or maybe I had seen it, but I had failed to see the consequence:
THAT I AM A WRITER
Or artist, in a broader sense.
I honestly have no idea how I let’s say “managed to miss that”, because the signs have been all over my two author names, five different blogs, ten published books and material for the next ten already done, but I thought that being a writer, publisher, artist, was somehow something that could be:
– ran away from
Yet through the lens of:
“Honey, you’re a writer, you need ample time to process all those times you look for the meaning of Life behind every man you meet (that’s not true, just my lover and the man who looks like Slash), every guitar hero whose biography you read (also not true; just Slash) and every movie you see (probably just everything featuring Adam Driver or other gorgeous men with dark hair).
You re a writer and it’s going to cost you your life.
Get used to it.”
In that light it’s obvious my writing doesn’t budge.
I AM a writer.
That’s what I DO.
It’s not a “I m a writer unless I m in love with you, and you don’t want me to write, then I m not a writer.”
“I m a writer unless you want me to really get my head around this new job and go head first into this new world making new friends and giving me a new identity because then I ll be that.”
I m a writer period. It’s not an app that you can remove from your phone.
As much as I would love to have my life free to jump head-first into a new career: I am a writer already and I publish my own books.
End of story.
And I think it was this epiphany that needed the solitude of the first weeks of 2020 before it could come out.
My preferred method of socializing from this year forward, will be through work in a male-dominated, practical environment.
Ideally I want to make a full income selling my own books, and work a job 3-4 days a week, including my current unpaid work.
The space, my class teaching friends, my own yoga practice. I write for my Rock Star Yoga blog.
I still see myself as someone who has something to say on yoga, just not teaching it.
Becoming an (albeit antagonistic) spokesperson in the yoga world will still happen.
I’m updating all my websites and profiles, and will update my resume so that it reflects that I am a writer and a publisher. No longer a yoga teacher.
In the poor deal he could cut her, where it was practically impossible for him to give even a little bit of himself to her, I recognized the state of affairs in my own love life.
An unexamined life is not worth living
On my other blog: Two be one – on Leonard Cohen and Marianne Ihlen
coming soon: new books
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.