Look of Love

It’s weekend and Lauren’s finally getting lucky. 

Sunglasses and black hair which I knew held single strands of grey. But I couldn’t see that from afar.
He was wearing dark jeans and a high quality white shirt with rolled up sleeves.
I had picked a table in the shadow.
He was looking so handsome I hoped this wasn’t one of those platonic dates, which did spice things up quite a bit. To never know in advance.
When I told him this, after sex, that I was never certain if we would have sex, he said:
“I m never sure either. Sometimes you have your reasons too.”
We had only made love on my period once, which had been the first time we fucked.
It’s an ugly word in this context, but the reason I’m using it, is that we already had a date which had unexpectedly turned so hot I ended up giving a blowjob, and I think he must have fingered me.
I know we didn’t have oral on me, because I didn’t want that with a man I hardly knew.
I had come in for some kissing and cuddling!
And I also know we didn’t fuck because that was definitely a big no-no for me, on well not exactly our first date.
But I knew so little about him.
And if I had known more, it would not have convinced me having sex with this married business man in his forties was a good idea.
He was a player!
With his condo in the city, which he kept on as a real estate investment.
I never responded when people commented it was impossible for his wife not to know he was having sex with me. But I agreed on general terms:
That she knew he had other women.
Not because of the obvious things, like lipstick marks or anything.
But because of the condo.
Of course she knew he had every opportunity.
That she knew, was one of the things I liked about her.
By allowing him space, which he had claimed quite literally in the form of keeping on his bachelor apartment, he could be there for her on other moments.
But I was still intimidated by him.
By his playing not hard to get, but hard to love.
He seemed to separate love, which was home, from sex, which was presumably everybody else.
I didn’t want to fuck him at the first opportunity, for multiple reasons really. Obviously I thought I would get hurt. And that it wouldn’t hurt as bad if we hadn’t “really” had sex.
Maybe I was also afraid he’d lose interest in me if I had sex too soon.
To this day I don’t know if my fate would have been any different if I had not been so intimidated, and had sex sooner.
Very well possible.
It wasn’t a game that I contained myself, and refrained for the most part. And I did give him a blowjob but not before he had made it safe sex friendly, after my initial refusal.
“Okay, and what if we use a condom?” he had asked.
I felt my fear and resistance melt, and looked forward to doing it, actually.
It was one of the many things I appreciated about him. He never took refusals personally, he just tried to figure out what was bothering you, so he could help you overcome it.
Which was of course exactly what made him so dangerous.
Anyway, after that first sexual date, the first time we were together I was on my period. The desire for each other was excruciating by now and to make the decision to fuck even more of a no brainer,
I also had a cold and couldn’t breathe through my nose.
So “only” giving him a blowjob was out of the question, this time.

I was heavily on my period, yet this was going to be The Day.
I had liked the drama of it. All the blood on our first time.
And it had been a great success. His cock and my pussy had been magnetic, that’s how flawless it was. 
We used condoms of course, we still do. But his hard-on had been blood and interruption resistant, and it had been pulled to my pussy like magic.
It just slid right in..

But despite the promising start, I had declined sex ever since, if I was in my period.
At the time, he and his wife were either separated temporarily or wouldn’t see each other for a couple of days.
I can’t remember the details.
And we had been at my house.

So it wasn’t just the excitement of having sex for the first time, which explained why we had had period sex then, but not after.
We usually didn’t have time nor opportunity, for messy encounters. Staining sheets and towels. Or even clothes.
We always made sure he stayed fresh and clean. I didn’t even wear makeup or perfume when I saw him.
So my lover was right.
He too, could never be certain that we would have sex.
I could be the one saying No.
And then if we were having sex? Then there was the thing about anal sex. Which was hardy ever ideal, really. I don’t like cleaning the inside out with water, like an anal douche. I have no idea if you know that exists, but it exists.
It gives me diarrhea.
I ve seen quite a few promising occasions fall to pieces that way, I can say.

So we re dependent on what nature gives us.
But sometimes I do want it, but I’m not sure if it’s a good day. 
And then I get into this strange conversation where I do try to warn him, but without scaring him off.
And then he’ll say, just to check: 
“But you do want it?”
God yes.
That’s the key to anal sex, to me. That he assures me we’ll be alright. Don’t panic.
We did go to his condo, ultimately. And we did have one of those days where we took anal sex as far as I dared to go. 
Which ultimately, left me so hungry for more.
We had sex multiple times, it really wasn’t a quickie.
We even had a nap. Or he did. I lay in his arms and soaked up his presence. The warmth of his embrace, the breath in my hair. The sweet words and the comforting murmuring he uttered, if we shifted a bit.
I looked around, and tried to remember everything about that moment.
The red room.

The first dates had been in the living and I had inquired if “that” was his bedroom, behind that door, and he had said yes.
“But you’re only allowed to go in there if you’re completely naked.”
And that’s how it had happened.
It wasn’t until later that I realized how many women had been here when he had been a bachelor. And still..
It aroused me to think I wasn’t the only one, but it also scared me.

That’s when the condo, but especially the bedroom started to intimidate me. As if I didn’t belong there.
With my open heart, my nerves. Not even with my horniness, my desire to give up control completely.
I didn’t feel I could play at that level of whatever it was the games were played there.
Like I was a little bunny in the lair of the lion.
And yet I was aware that I was the one there, lying in the arms of this charismatic man, in the bedroom with the red walls and the high ceiling.
And I had been here for over three and a half years.
Feeling completely safe and loved.

An unexamined life is not worth living

Look of Love is the twenty-ninth chapter from Project M. 

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Een meisje vrijt met een jongen en een homoseksuele man. Naast het overweldigende verlangen, is ze zich hyperbewust van de risico’s. Zal haar lust het winnen van de angst?
Zo opent het magnum opus van LS Harteveld.
Na de coming of age novelle Mango, duik je in het dagboek van een yoga docent. En hier blijken de fictieve karakters uit Mango bestaande personen.
Benjamin keert zelfs boek na boek weer terug. Maar wat is de waarheid?
En wie is Benjamin?
Het laatste boek gaat over haar affaire met een getrouwde man die ze Mr. Big noemt.
Waardoor de vraag rijst; Is hij Benjamin?
Heeft LS Harteveld haar muze in bescherming genomen en zijn identiteit veranderd? Of heeft ze een nieuwe liefde gevonden? Een vrouw leunt over een tafel. Ze is naakt, op haar blinddoek na.
Haar minnaar rekt haar grenzen op tot het uiterste van wat nog passend is, in dit spel der geesten. Misschien gaat hij eroverheen, dat blijft in het midden. Maar 25 jaar na de eerste scene, is één ding duidelijk;
de lust heeft gewonnen.

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Beschrijving boven, losse boeken beneden. 

1. Mango, een novelle  €15
Seksuele safari, van de jaren 80 tot de zero’s.
Een stoer, technisch meisje groeit op met alleen een moeder, in de roerige jaren 80. Roken is nog van alle leeftijden, drinken idem, en seks ook zolang je bestand bent tegen voorlichtingsfolders over aids waarbij het woord AIDS in bloedspatten is geschreven.

Dat blijkt helaas teveel van ‘t goede.
Vermengd met een verleden in Afrika, en een overleden vader, ontwikkelt deze arrogante tiener een angststoornis waar geen psycholoog haar bij kan helpen. Maar ze blijft aangetrokken tot mooie jongens en homoseksuele mannen.

2. Dutch American Diary (2008-2009) €15
Yoga teacher Lauren is in love with two men; One cunning wizard and one half her age.
 The affair was secret so Lauren called him; He Who Must Not Be Named. After the dark wizard in the Harry Potter series. She tried to get over this American but after a year she only has her mistakes to show for. Including dating an Israeli spy and a Buddhist photographer.

Now her wizard obsession is back full throttle and the next disaster has already emerged;  an attractive yoga student. Young enough to be her son.
Faced with nothing but diabolic choices, Lauren confides in her best friend; the warm and friendly Lara. Despite having the same nationality as He Who Must Not Be Named, and working at the same office coven, Lara seems to lack his foul nature.
Or does she?
Once you’ve read Dutch American Diary? You’ll never ever in your life make the mistake of messing with a yoga teacher. 
~Dutch American Diary part 1

3. 22 Erotische Verhalen €15
Literaire pornografie in de geest van Anais Nin en Isabel Allende.
Ze komen en gaan; de kleurrijke personages in deze dromerige erotische wereld, waar ze je één verhaal lang deelgenoot maken van hun diepste verlangen en hun ergste pijn. Die vaker wel dan niet op magische wijze met elkaar verbonden blijken.

Grenzen worden genegeerd, lusten gebotvierd, wonden geheeld.
Sinds Anais Nin heeft geen schrijver zo onbevreesd het grijze gebied durven te betreden tussen het verbodene, het gruwelijke en het goddelijke. De lezer krijgt naast onversneden liefde en zinderende ontknopingen, ook een spiegel voorgehouden die je laat zien wat er zich afspeelt in de donkerste delen van je ziel. 

 4. LS Diary (2012-2013) €10
About three dark men and Lauren getting naked on stage. Not necessarily together.
 Being dark, smart, and handsome, a Dutch writer bears the characteristics Lauren only knows  too well. He looks exactly like her male muse and unwanted protagonist in the majority of her writing.

A published writer and sought-after talk show guest, the Dutch writer has succeeded where blogger Lauren is failing year after year. After year. She feels the weight of her unpublished manuscripts, and her failed attempts to become a writer. To make matters worse she already has one ill-natured stalker. As if the liabilities of being famous have preceded its benefits.
Lauren gets her shit together prioritizing her work, ignoring men, sex and stalkers. But will it work?  Star struck Lauren meets the celebrity in real life, and soon enough her supposedly highly efficient sex-free life includes a naked guest appearance on stage, a blow-job in a parking garage and a seven month relationship.
~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 2

5. De Candystop (2013) €10
Waar de Nederlandse literatuur tot stilstand komt door een Marokkaanse lekkernij.
Getergd door een rits onduidelijke medische klachten, besluit Lauren geen suiker meer te eten, geen Chardonnay meer te nemen, en geen latte macchiato’s meer te drinken.

Na een paar weken is ze zo apathisch dat ze zelfs vergeet te masturberen.
Tot een jonge Marokkaanse god op tv verschijnt die tegen Lauren zegt;
“LauRRRen! WakkeRRR woRRRden! Ik ben ook schRRRijveRRR en ik heb ook een leuk leven!”
Dat is zo. Sam doet de vier s’en. Hij schrijft, hij sport, hij sekst en hij slaapt.
Ineens weet Lauren nog steeds niet waar het naartoe moet met haar leven, maar ze is wel klaarwakker. Zeker als ze erachter komt, dat Sam binnen een week een optreden geeft bij haar om de hoek.
Sam doet haar denken aan een verboden relatie met haar leerling, iets waar ze gemengde gevoelens over heeft. Sam wil die best met haar onderzoeken, maar hij vraag een prijs…

6. Bedtime Stories (2014) €15
Facing her demons and her muse, Lauren’s sexual history gets its worthy finale.
Lauren is corresponding with Elliot, but somewhere between The Netherlands and Vegas, things have stranded. To get their project back on track Lauren resorts to strong measures: making the whole damn thing public.

Sharing eight months of her life, Lauren’s third diary reintroduces all popular characters, such as writer Rafael and his legendary mythical counterpart Benjamin. Young writer Sam and his ghost twin Valentino.
Closing the Dutch American Diary trilogy, the 1991 story lines are finally tied together. With an extremely satisfying ending. Although not in a way anyone saw coming.
 ~LS Diary can be read as standalone or as Dutch American Diary part 3

7. Mirage (2014) €5
Giving you a little dessert, with all gorgeous writers from previous books.
Lauren, the former hedonistic cougar, is home bound, mothering her little ones, sick with worry and about to get dumped by her lover. Together with autumn setting in, Lauren needs her annual Cute Writer Fix more than ever. And this year there’s five of them.
Including a lunch date with the most famous author of the Netherlands; her youth love Henry.
~Mirage can be read as standalone or as the epilogue to the Dutch American Diary trilogy.

8. Big, diaries & erotica (2015-2016)  €20
The crown to Lauren’s life; a secret affair with her Biggie.
Ten years and ten lovers have taught Lauren two things.

One: single life is a disaster.
And two: men suck at anal sex.
So when Mr.Big comes along and succeeds where all the others have failed, Lauren is euphoric. She immediately picks up her pen to write about it, and her first story is indeed called “The Biggie”, about his flawless performance.  
For two years Lauren documents her secret affair with the married business man. She writes about their explosive encounters, her unwavering love, and her powerful insights. Gradually, Lauren changes. From an scarred single, to a woman totally owning her worth and her true nature. Ten years after ending her relationship in order to explore love and sex in all their forms, Lauren Harteveld becomes the ultimate mistress.

los verkrijgbaar, niet in Het Boek Benjamin:

Witte Tijgerin €5
Gids voor solitaire vrouwen die een geweldig seksleven willen en plenty energie.
Een Witte Tijgerin is een alleenstaande, onafhankelijke vrouw. Haar contact met mannen is erop gericht dat ze er energie van krijgt. Stel je voor! Nooit meer gehannes met beginnende relaties die het toch nét niet zijn. Nooit meer die morning-after backlash. Geïnspireerd op het klassieke Taoïstische werk De Witte Tijgerin van Hsi Lai, onthult deze gids;
– hoe je de touwtjes in handen houdt
– hoe je je liefdesleven gebruikt voor je plezier
– hoe je met seks je jeugdigheid herstelt.
Hij zal niet kunnen wachten om weer met je af te spreken! 


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