Love, Sex and Content Creation

Past relationships.
New beaus.
Idols from my teenage years and later decades.

And from writing erotic diaries as Lauren Harteveld, to being visible under another name and spending 99% of my time there, sometimes forgetting Lauren the lover even exists.

I’m gonna need all for this story and will probably do an incredibly poor job being clear here.
So beware!

But even with the mess I’m about to create here, nothing can take away from the fact that it’s exhilarating to finally understand something that has been brewing for years.
The unsettling feeling that somewhere along the way, something changed and I missed it. And now I know what;
Online visibility, changes your relationships. 

Call it “Fame” instead of “Online visibility”, and it’s something we have known for a very long time.
Fame, changes your relationships.

And if it comes to online professionals, influencers or content creators with a large online following, it is quit easy to translate that wisdom to the current age.
But I’m not one of those obvious modern-day celebrities, so I never considered the whole thing of my online content important or even significant, in daily life.

Except I now realize that it has changed me, because it alters what I have left to give. But also, what I am prepared to give.

Much like a regularly famous person, I try to pretend it doesn’t matter. Except I now know that in many ways, it does matter.
A lot.

Because “we” have already given everything through our work.
That’s where we have showed you who we are, and created something for you.
But also, that’s where we took the lead in what’s invested here.

Which is why famous people will often date other famous people, although I know this is all such a tender topic.
But I really do think celebrity coupling is not just about them meeting each other at parties or even about trust.
(More about trust in the final paragraphs which are also about sex)
(Yes, you’re welcome to skip)

The reason celebrities seem to prefer each other’s company could partially be because the other celebrity has already delivered.
They know there are interviews they can read, movies they can watch, albums they can listen to.
Which is significant, even when they choose not to!

Just knowing somebody’s work is something you understand, something made for I would say “The Consumer Market”, and that their work is something you could engage with even when you are not going to because you want to keep the relationship pure;
There is still a difference, to dating someone who does not have that kind of work.
And this is by no means judgement of any kind.

It’s just easier to connect with someone whose work is out there, versus someone who works within a certain system, who works with classified information, or in a field you do not relate to.

The contribution in the form of art, and with that the contribution to the connection, has already been made.
And it started building years or decades before you knew them.

It is this contribution that has drawn me to celebrities forever.
Because that work? It was already enough.

There’s this idea that fans want to have a special relationship with their idol, but I think you could also say that fans realize the relationship is already complete.
That their personal interaction with the material is what makes it reciprocal;
Not more attention from the one who created it.

Going back to my realization I can see two things.

First, that I’m ready to acknowledge that if I would have a famous or visible partner, they’ve already put in the work.
I’ve always felt this instinctively, but now I can put words to it.

It is such a gift to be able to enjoy someone’s performance or art, or content.
It’s like what they say of reading someone’s book: You’re in their head.
Yes, they’re making this connection to everybody, and it is not personally made for you.
But that does not take away from it being a major contribution to the relationship the two of you will have.

And this does not mean this is the only contribution or connection, absolutely not! There is of course a big difference between a fan and idol or creator relationship (which is just about the work), and having a personal relationship.
But what I’m saying is: It counts. Or it should count. And it should count as something big!

And the second realization is that this dynamic is what I have felt happening for myself, having been a writer for a really long time.
It was work I put in, that was influencing what was happening between us.

Now everyone I’ve been with enjoyed my writing and was supportive of it, so it’s not like we had to pretend it didn’t exist. 
But I’m ready for more.
I’m ready to acknowledge my own online work as a pretty solid contribution to a relationship. And I’m no longer going to buy into a narrative that the hours at my desk are somehow jeopardizing my personal and particular my intimate relationships;
They are creating it.

Which brings me to the final topic, on sex, and how it ties into the aspect of fame and visibility as well;
I’m not too keen on having sex nowadays, it’s not private, not safe.

I’m not even talking about sexual abuse or a man betraying my trust and things ending up online because he shared them.
It’s a real risk, but it is not the immobilizing sexual risk I am talking about.

No, what I mean is that I think we are living in the worst era, and no longer have any privacy.
People filming you in public, unregulated Meta glasses, and bugged hotel rooms with cameras live streaming if you have sex there.
Sex, texts, or the conversations you have;
They can all end up online by third party intervention.
Not shared or leaked by your partner.

I’ve definitely been taking precautions, but they’re not water tight, and I should probably do better.
Either that, or I decide that I’m going to cancel sex or marginalize or minimalize it to something that is not interesting to share.
But I’ve thought about it, and I’ve thought about it a lot. Versus my potential partners, who are heterosexual men who have not grown up feeling like prey, their bodies scrutinized, and that appearing in public means you owe people being beautiful and your attention, simply because they can see you.
They don’t know about all that.

Heterosexual men, which is to say my potential partners, don’t know what it’s like if people film you without your consent and you have no idea what they’re going to do with it.
Or how much is already out there.

They can’t know;
Unless they’re famous.

Then they’d know exactly what my worry is.
And they would have it handled.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living