Response to reading Episode 1 to 8 from Elliot’s blogseries Superbloom.
https://elliotsreturn.blogspot.com/search/label/superbloom
And to a private email to me, which I received minutes before going to bed.

 

13 November 2026
Friday the 13th

Dear Elliot,

Just shows there’s often no telling on what’s right or wrong!
With today’s Microsoft blackout, causing half of the world’s population to not having email access for the last 12 hours or so.
And me realizing that had I not answered you hastily, and immediately yesterday night, as I did, I would not have been able to send one now.
And had I been a true digital saint, and had not checked my mailbox before bed to begin with;
Then I still would not have read your email.

I felt yesterday evening’s loose email boundaries were disproportionately rewarded, when I could no longer get into my email box this morning and heard there was a world wide Microsoft fall out.

Because when I sent it, Outlook was already glitching. And “logically” (or esoterically) speaking, I should have seen that as a sign from the Universe not to be on my computer so late, and let it wait until the morning.
Except I am now in my Writing Elliot Era (and I’ll get back to why I think this is an incredibly good thing) and wanted to get the email out, also because both our friendship as well as you, had been going through some points of risk and tension, so I just kept on hitting Send until it finally showed up on my Sent mail list.
And then I went to bed feeling like an email addict, but also incredibly happy. Happy where we were in our friendship, excited about reading your Superbloom series, and I kept taking notes on what I would get back to tomorrow (today) because your Superbloom also brought out a lot of memories and also because I wanted to say I loved Russel in that series.

But before I get into those; Why this correspondence works for me, even though we’re in the  early honeymoon, definitely not-sustainable phase of writing each other way too much.
From a logical perspective, I should not be spending this much time on this (regardless of how much I care about you, and also regardless of how many blogposts come out of this spree)

But the reason I don’t care too much about the costs of this prolific stage is because I am finally processing ev’rything…..
Work, you could even say “shadow work”, I would not have been able to do by myself.
You told me the Superbloom blog was to process your 2023, a time you had not gotten around to reflect on.
But by contacting me and rekindling our correspondence, you have also made me look back on my relationship with Mr.Big, which also ended in 2023.
And I m looking back on the three men I fell in love with in recent years (one I have not spoken of yet, but will in this letter).
And I even find myself looking back on the earliest beginnings of Mr.Big and me.

Your project of looking the past in the eye, has made me look my past in the eye.
Which is one of the two main reasons I am giving into this desire to write you all the time. Well, and as the late night computer story already illustrated, I m no stranger to addictive behaviors so it isn’t exactly a stretch to obsessively write you.

The other practical reason I’m so happy this is happening, is that if or when I do get a new lover, at least my longing to write and to be understood will already be fully satisfied!
I have already cried over your letters, Elliot.
I am already understood by your kind words.
I have taken your example of already looking into my past and seeing which parts of my personal history were still jagged, and I am sitting with them a bit.

When a new man comes into my life, I will be ready Elliot.
Not despite writing you obsessively, but because of it.
It’s cathartic, and I see this as being extremely practical as well as timely for me.
With everything working out perfectly, just like hitting Send ten times in the final minutes Microsoft is still up before a world wide crash.

Despite the title, this is not literally what I would have written you in a private email. I also still find myself weary to refer to the content of our private conversation, even when it’s about things that I don’t think are private at all.
I just value what we have and just like all those years ago, I don’t want to fuck it up.
So if these public blogposts seem too self-centered, then this could also be because I’m careful, and not necessarily because I m an asshole 😉

Answering to Superbloom next.
First your (positive) feedback on me referring to psychic things, Spirit, God, The Universe.
With a piece of psychic information on Connor I withheld yesterday, but am going to share now that we align on that subject;
I’ve heard him come through in channeled sessions on YouTube, twice.
Both with the same female channeller, to whom I listen a lot and this is soothing and wonderful and empowering. But in particular the first reading she did where I think Connor came through, she even literally got his name, and her entire energy changed and she was so powerful.
Connor, or just in general the energy she was channeling, was constantly correcting her from the other side.
I had never heard that happening in a reading, but it suits his persona perfectly.
And then today, I heard it again. She got his profession right, and was so incredibly specific on why I too know for a fact we’re an amazing match, and it’s because of something fundamental I know about him (and he knows the match too, although we never discussed).
So yes, Elliot. Just like you, I tune into unseen energies and higher powers, all the time.
It’s one of the many things where we seem to be so alike.

And meanwhile I keep having this feeling I m forgetting to write or get back to important things, but I ll just let it go!
Because I think it’s because I m just absolutely dying to talk about your Superbloom series!
Because, OMG ELLIOT!!!!!!
A love story between two absolutely gorgeous men in their late 20s? My heart!!! * teary eyed emoji* And perhaps lower regions, you know me because 2010-ish, I think we connected straight in my male-male fanfiction phase. Or was it a phase? Does one ever outgrow such a thing? (still waiting)
But yeah, it was one of the reasons I was so careful in writing with you around 2010. Because you were a gay teenager finding things out.
This grounded me.
I wanted to be the adult, and deliberately put you in a separate box in my head so to speak. Far away from my gay-porn box! :p 
A box which seems to have taken your Superbloom blog as a cue to throw itself from the top shelf where I put it all those years ago, and its memories now scattered over the floor.
So there’s that, you’re bringing me back too!
Did you know there’s actually many women preferring to watch/write/read male-male, instead of male-female? I’ve heard it explain by patriarchy and our role as women being unsatisfactory, but I don’t know…. Well, who cares, it’s good to have the proverbial box back down!

But you didn’t write about sex, and I can’t blame you. But I’m happy I chose to when I became a writer. In particular with this prolonged dry spell now, I’m happy I chose to write about it.
But I won’t recommend it! 😉 

Two memories surfaced, after reading Superbloom.
Both things I kept out off my written work, and although I’ve decided to at least for now leave my sex writing days behind me, these letters to you (also) feel like a wrap-up.
And I find myself wanting to share those memories after all.

I think they were sparked by your Superbloom series because of the totally laid back way Russel interacted with you.
Because both memories are about men being totally confident and laid back, when interacting with me.

The first one is about the first man I fell in love with after Mr.Big broke up with me in 2023.
I have never written about him, not a word.
–
PS I noticed in your series both you and Russel fall in love after a relationship is already going, something I hope to get back to another time! I usually fall in love beforehand, and some say that’s gender specific.
–
If that mystery man was the first of the three men I fell in love with, then number two was the nameless crush I wrote you about yesterday, the one whom I thought would make his way to me this year.
And number 3 was Connor who, from the looks of it, appeared to come in place of the unnamed #2 instead.
Which is why I usually only write or talk about Connor, because I feel he will be the final man I will have fallen in love with. He was so overwhelming, in many ways. I can’t imagine any man would come after.

Anyway, all to say: I had no intention whatsoever to write about this brief crush with the laid back approach.
But suddenly I do feel this desire, and even urgency, to fill in the gaps and write these two missing anecdotes down, and he’s included.

With that man, the interest we had in each other was short-lived and never consumed. Yet, I already had a name ready for him if he would ever end up in my blog; Wolverine.
Because that was our dynamic:
I was Deadpool, “the merc (mercenary) with the mouth” because he is so verbally superior, and Deadpool is totally in love with Wolverine, who is totally laid back and relaxed.
That was the dynamic between this Wolverine and me too, because I simply adored him and he seemed to allow it.

And there were definitely moments when “it” came incredibly close.
So close in fact, that I gave him the most important sexual rule;
“I’m a bottom.”
(fyi: heterosexuals never talk about this, so this is not something a man usually has to deal with)
And I followed with: “So I’m not versatile.” 
At which I may have stared at him with intent.

He was incredibly laid back about it. Had he not earned the name Wolverine at that point, then his totally cool answer would have sealed the deal:
“You know, I’m probably just lazy, but I always assume she’s a bottom. And that works fine.”

It was the first time I had ever been this forward about what I wanted, and then I get the perfect answer and then he BAILS!!! 
I hope you understand my disappointment, Elliot. Because I can still feel that disappointment in an almost visceral way.

So that was one memory rekindled by the cool way Russel interacted with you in 2023.
And the other similar memory, which I also never wrote about, was on one of the first dates with Mr.Big.
We had kissed maybe once, and I think he said this when he took me to his house for the very first time, and I don’t even know how we ended up discussing this, but I do know that if I had had any doubt in my mind about wanting sex with him, this pretty blunt remark would have totally blocked it from happening.
It was like a filter, I think!
An “If you let me get away with this, I know you want me hard.” remark.
Something no man ever asks a woman. In particular not when she’s still flighty (which I was) and unsure. And maybe that’s why I fell for it so hard…..
Because he said it when I could still leave, and in an incredibly edgy way it was an absolutely extraordinary way of asking consent.
Not consent to “a” or “the” specific act, but it was a remark that tested the waters with regard to the general tone of what I, or “we” were looking for.

Again, I can’t remember what we were discussing, but I do know this sentence came out of nowhere. I also know it was not something we had discussed at any point, previously.
But I do remember the naughty twinkle in his eyes and the chuckle under his voice.

As if it was something that had come up regularly, Mr.Big said casually:
“Remind me; Did you like anal sex?”

I was stunned. Shocked. Mesmerized.
A Merc with the mouth that had nothing to say.
Because I had never known the answer to that question, but it was the moment I felt an incredibly loud Yes to this man, to Mr.Big.

A silent Yes, that would bond us until it was 2023 and Mr.Big quietly, secretly, walked away.
A silent No.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

About “A Letter to Elliot”:
Around 2010 I corresponded with a young writer, Elliot.
My side of the story turned into a book Bedtime Stories, which is in my bookshop.
In 2023 we briefly reconnected, and now we are writing again. 

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