50 Shades of May This Last Forever

*disclaimer: sexually explicit, contains references to porn*

On the fourth day of my project of living planning-free, and basically doing whatever the fuck I want to, I accidentally discovered the upside of NOT being able to do what you want to do: Abstinence, not doing your soul’s work, does heighten the sensations of pleasure after.

Because before I had this day going, before I had dived into all the stuff I felt like doing, the ball got rolling on something that I had been wanting to do for a long time. But this morning I got a cue that I had to do it immediately.
No time to lose.

The cue was that a writer about whom I had written a book four years ago, was publishing his second novel today. And this meant that today was the ideal day to reblog the diary he had inspired; to publish it online.
I ve published ten books and my ultimate goal is to have them all online, for free. So then either you could read them for free on my website, or buy a paper copy. No pdf’s or ereader stuff.
I m sure that’s not the choice most authors would make, but that’s my choice. It’s the way I have envisioned it, and that’s what’s going to happen.

Except that nothing was happening because reblogging stuff is pain in the ass work I don’t want to do. Not unless of course there is this HUGE incentive of a book suddenly becoming current again. Like today.
So I knew I wanted to reblog my Dutch book De Candystop, and I did.
Which cost me four hours, instead of the ninety minutes I had estimated.

By the time I finished it I was terribly hungry because I had skipped my lunch and was way past my feeding time. But on a soul level, I also felt unfulfilled. Thirsty. Desperate for anything that could take away feeling this unaccomplished.

So maybe it was because of my deprived state, that I shamelessly clicked on two tweets in my Twitter timeline that were both blatantly my kind of kink.

Steve Holmes and Stoya

First I clicked [ #nsfw ]  Steve Holmes’ retweet of a movie called Darker Side of Desire
Steve Holmes is a porn actor who I know from a video of him and Stoya in Paris. It was a series that Stoya shot herself, taking the camera with her all over the world. I was a paying member of TrenchcoatX, and watched all of them. Until I realized that the only one I really liked was the one in Paris.
Where beautiful young Stoya (my favorite porn actress) hit it off with this middle aged man I didn’t know… yet. I couldn’t quite figure out why I liked that video so much..
Until I looked him up.
It turned out the Actor Steve Holmes was also the Director and Producer Steve Holmes. And now I saw it… yes.

Stoya and Steve in “Paris, Tourist Style” (Around the World in 80 Ways)

Steve Holmes had more or less directed this video, by operating the camera, and had filmed the close-up shots that I had liked so much. Stoya’s other videos were more filmed from afar. With the camera on the night stand, or sometimes held by Stoya.
But Steve had a better view while filming, plus decades of experience.
No wonder that video of him and Stoya totally rocked.
Anyway, that’s how I know Steve and I started following him on Twitter, and he posts or retweets trailers of movies he has worked on. They’re always really kinky and I totally love them.

This one, Darker Side of Desire, was more high budget and with a real story line. It was about a young woman whose relationship with her dominant had ended, and she missed having a dominant so much. Suddenly I realized that if my lover Mr.Big and me would end, I would feel the same way.
That the breakup would mean so much more than “just” losing the man I love.

It would also mean losing the only man who knows exactly what makes me tick. I don’t see myself succeeding at dating “vanilla” style, any more than the girl in the movie did.
And with Mr.Big and me, it’s not even that we would count as being into BDSM. But our preferred roles, of him being dominant and me submissive, are fixed. And I know that’s hard to come by.

The second tweet I clicked was a piece of Girl on the Net about Being Lazy in Bed, in which I immediately recognized my preference for being submissive and still.
Girl on the Net is the only woman when it comes to sharing kinks, who I can relate to. All women who write about their sexual journey, make me realize that my sexual preference is surprisingly narrow. With no need for leather, whips, or sex dungeons. Nor for tantra, massage or valley orgasms.

I want it exactly the way I want it, and nothing else.

I remember a conversation with a friend a little while back, where I confessed that I had never been very interested in the physical part of sex.
“I like the mental part, you know?” I explained. “Where you dive into the depths of your mind, and tell each other stuff you don’t dare tell a soul.”
She immediately replied: “Yes, you mean perverted.”

Whenever I hear good sex in relationships is about intimacy and connecting, I always think: “Yes. And No.”
Because intimacy is only arousing, after you first had a fight of some sorts.
Honesty is refreshing, when it comes from someone who usually lies.
And trust is only an aphrodisiac if there is also something you’re scared of.
You can’t have the yin without the yang.

But to have your sex life rooted in shared sexual fantasies?
That’s amazing.
It’s a win-win, never a dull moment kind of relationship. And it’s also very rare, unfortunately. It’s that aspect, of two perfectly matching sexual preferences, that I would miss the most.

We’ve been together for way over three years, yet I feel there’s still so much to discover. We barely got a taste of everything we’re capable of. Maybe because we’re apart 99% of the time, with him not necessary lying to me but definitely unavailable 99% of the time.

It makes the 1% we’re together intoxicating and delicious.

Reading the article from Girl on the Net on being lazy or submissive, and watching the trailer of the movie about the young female submissive, made me realize that my relationship with Big has amplified my sexual preference.
That the submissive part, the fixed role playing part, the carte blanche I’m getting to share whatever deviant desire I have, and to then have someone who is eager to play it out, and to fully dominate me.

It has become who I am.

This, being submissive in bed, has become non-negotiable.

And if I ever, God forbid, become single again – technically I m still single of course, since I m a secret mistress I don’t have a status –  that I will start dating new men not only based on who I like.
But also on who wants to play.

The trailer of the porn movie ends with the young woman interviewing a dominant (Steve Holmes) for her thesis. He answers the questions but then interrupts her: “You’re not here to ask me questions.”
She replies that she’s no longer into that sort of thing.

He offers her a gift, a little box with a small insertable toy, with which he can control her.
“Give me twenty-four hours to change your mind.”

I would say Yes.

An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living


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