Don’t look back

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.

“Owls are wise. They can predict the past.”
Two Women, by Harry Mulisch

Dear Sara,

I never understood the legend of Orpheus and Eurydice in school, because we never got the Greeks. Either our school had strategic reasons not to include them, for instance because they were no longer part of the final exam.
Or my year of first graders had fallen into a historic loophole in the education system. A glitch, where for a few years the national program for history started with the Romans and not the Greeks.
But I never got them, and learned them self-taught, when I was in my late teens. 
If I had had the Greeks around the age of 12, 13, I doubt I would have been into them as much as I was years later.
The story I think of most frequently in daily life, is the one from Orpheus and Eurydice.
Not because I got it literally from text, but because someone explained how a book I liked was inspired by the tragedy of Orpheus and Eurydice.
be8ab849-7a63-4723-9971-799d30812a3aBoth Eurydice and Orpheus are women in the book. The book is called Two Women by Harry Mulisch, and it has been turned into a movie in 1979 and 2010, both times called Twice a Woman.
The Eurydice in the book leaves her female Orpheus suddenly, but in hindsight she has done so to get pregnant by Orpheus’ ex-husband.
She returns pregnant, on “Orpheus” doorstep. But it does not end well because Orpheus makes Eurydice go back to her ex-husband to explain and make things right.
She should have welcomed Eurydice back without looking back to where she had been.
And in particular without sending her back. To the underworld!
Even if it was just to have coffee to make amends.
Maybe the entire book is a plea to stop trying to smooth everything over, but that is not why I thought of that book today. Although it IS a good truth to keep to mind! 
Be a grateful receiver of what comes back to you, and do not interfere with other people’s life choices. Even when that other people is your partner.
But like I said, that was not the hook this piece was about.
This is about classic Orpheus, and classic looking back.
It is this story that has come to mind when I find myself anxious and wanting to know where my Eurydice is.
And when I actively search for him. Or them.
It is good to point out this has happened in the past with multiple men. A sudden urge, desire, curiosity, to Google them or check their social media. And almost always with staggering, disturbing, and at the same time important results.
My most mixed-emotions moment was when I found out someone’s real wife had the same name as I was about to choose for his fictional wife.
And this was someone I had not spoken to in years, the last time we spoke he had not even met her.
Going to look for Eurydice is even in today’s world, hardly ever without serious consequence.
And yet tonight, I went looking for her again.
After a week of feeling on top of my game, I feel I have fallen into the underworld.
And that BOTH are connected! Either I went looking in the underworld, because I felt my energetic tie was glitching like Dutch historic school programs in the mid 80s.
Or I could no longer hold my curiosity, and wanted to know if since I was thinking so much about him:
Was there a sign it was mutual, and that things had been shifting?
If I looked over my shoulder for just a sec, would I see him there behind me?
The one whose presence I could feel so strongly?
And then I lost him.
In quantum science they say the atom is where you think it is.
I felt my Eurydice so strongly, his presence. I didn’t connect it to my happiness, I was too egotistical for that. Or had learned not to get burned and to never focus on the presence of a man for my happiness. Not energetically, and not physically.
But last week, if you would have asked me:
“Do you still think of Eurydice?” I would have given you an ear to ear smile!
And then it comes: I don’t know what my motivations were.
Was it an energy shift in the negative, after being days on a high, and did I want to look if “he” was still there?
Even though it is questionable how I would be able to see anything, if it was indeed something energetic that I had felt. 
Or, alternatively, was I still on the high of knowing my Eurydice was there, and did this Saturday seem like a good day, to just give the door a little push, to see if it was unlocked and would open by itself?
The perfect night to, after an entire week on an absolute high, to just help chance a tiny bit and give God and the Universe a chance to tell me what I had already known and felt.
That my Eurydice was there.
I don’t know, which one it was.
A response to feeling I lost his presence, or a desire to get a confirmation in the real world that reflected what I had been feeling all that time.
But I do know what happened after.
And those who know their classics, this will know it too.
“As Eurydice dies again, she bears no anger toward her husband.
She understands that, just as it was love that compelled him to journey into the Underworld to get her, it is love that compelled him to look back and make sure she was there.
It is a very bittersweet, tragic moment.”
Quantum science got it wrong.

The atom is where you think it is. Until you look.

An unexamined life is not worth living



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