Sex first. Writing second. And yoga got cancelled

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..

Dear Sara,

The last time we spoke, I told you I had started a project, a YouTube channel (under my real name) where I was going to investigate how to either reinvent yoga and after 20 years in (and out) of the yoga business, become the rock star yoga teacher I knew with 99% certainty I was meant to be.
Or to leave yoga behind, once and for all.
For 2,5 years minimum I ve tried to quit yoga, and I did actually quit, but it kept coming back.
But by now I believed I was destined to do yoga. 99% certain was really 99% 
Although there had been times I cursed myself and the world, for having wasted 20 frickin years in a professional environment that had little to do with the yoga that I had FELT, in the three years before I got officially trained.
And it had nothing to do with my personality, with my values, with who I was or even with what my core talents were.
It had in fact conflicted heavily with them.
Yet, I still thought this YouTube channel researching and investigating my love for yoga, or lack thereof, was a formality.
That it was no longer a question if I would commit to rock star yoga;
Just a question of when.
Because the cursing had stopped.
And the vision of the life and the work ahead of me, was rapidly taking shape.
I had been in a hurry to start the channel, before even the last of my doubt and resistance and the final lap of my existential crisis had vanished and only the New Reinvented Me remained.
And although I did not believe my yoga, or me as a rock star yoga teacher, were in any way boring;
The journey would have ended.
The exciting part
of becoming a rock star yoga teacher would be behind me.
But if I hurried, and maybe exaggerated a little bit about doubt which I no longer really felt, just for some dramatic effect;
Maybe I could then squeeze out some videos before I made my finite choice to reinvent yoga and totally rock being a rock star yoga teacher.
Or maybe even a big fuckemall and toldyoufrickinso!
That was the energy I could feel, on the other side of reinventing yoga.
Until the day when I was on my bike, cycling to a location where I wanted to shoot a video for my yoga-reinvention channel, that I had made my decision, when I changed my mind.
I had a handful of A4s in my backpack, that provided an outline of the rock star yoga practice, but also the business model and my own values it was based on.
But suddenly it ALL felt wrong.
Having to map out a new form of yoga that would rock, felt like having to make a list of why it was a good idea to have sex with someone, or to date someone!
If I think of the past 6 years where I have had a secret lover, and currently we re more like friends with occasional benefits, but whatever it is we have is secret;
I don’t have to make a list to know that for all six years that I know him, the reasons to not have sex with him, would have been endless.
And only reason to do it was:
Because I wanna.
And I regret nothing.
Yet all the years before him? The years of being single between 2006 and 2015?
I had no bad experiences, but I would have traded all, largely respectable, single, honest, goodhearted men, for one night with my last or maybe even current lover. 
To know 20 reasons why something is not going to work, and 20 more why it is a terrible idea, and yet still following your heart? 
That is me!
My style is not to after 2,5 years of not being able to quit permanently, to then finally “get” yoga, learn my own rock star yoga blueprint, and film my official rock star yoga launch video.
And then for the next 20 years be the yoga teacher who redeemed herself and her craft and found herself or fucking something.
One moment to the next the whole idea of rock star yoga absolutely disgusted me.
Or of ever having to speak the Y word ever again.
It all felt so constricted and awful.
An artist has full creative freedom, and to be a good artist you must always go into the unknown.
Like Marina Abramovic once learned from one of her art teachers:
If you can draw with the right hand, immediately shift to the left.
After 20 years of drawing with my right hand, I had been on the verge of leaping into two more decades of drawing with my right hand, whilst explaining why my drawing with the right hand was entirely different from everybody else’s drawing with the right hand.
And I had been 99% certain I wanted to go down that road!
If I look at it in hindsight, I can’t believe I came that close.
Just the right hand left hand argument, and the general distinction between being a yoga teacher which is a service provider (or a high-level, world famous version of that) or being an artist, are enough of an explanation.
Enough reason to know I m never going back.
But there was something else, which was on that list the day I cycled to the location to shoot my Yoga Commitment video. Something else that was ultimately the reason I knew I had nothing more to say.
Not about yoga.
It was that I had written down in the Rock Star Yoga outline, what the two biggies were:
Sex and purpose.
Rock Star Yoga was going to be developed with full understanding that when it came to increasing your energy, those two were king.
And suddenly I realized that someone who has Sex and Purpose on number one and two, of her list of Things That Matter, was only a true to her word rock star yoga teacher if her Purpose, was indeed to be a rock star yoga teacher.
That she would value sex more than her purpose, was acceptable.
But after that she was to immediately run to her yoga mat, fully inspired!
Except my yoga mat is not at all where I run to, do I?
I am a writer.
Left “unsupervised”, I run to my desk to write.
And just like my love life, there are no reasons to write.
Writing is not practical, it’s time consuming, it makes little to no money unless you do it to promote something else (fe yoga) or write on assignment.
I could easily fill five A4’s with reasons why writing is a terrible idea.
Just like I was never short on reasons why I should not be with my lover, or male friend for whom after 6 years I still have feelings so intense, it makes me cry just thinking about it.
There is no logical reason for my love life.
And there is no logical reason to write.
Yet the moment you need even half an A4, to map out why you got it right this time?
With 99% certainty? And the list and the proper plan to prove it?
Immediately switch to the left.

An unexamined life is not worth living

Wanna join me?
I m going to do yoga, starting from scratch because I m yoga free by now,
But I ll be using my own book

White Tigress Yoga Workbook
by LS Harteveld (me)

For anyone who had a decent chance of staying healthy
but screwed it up and now needs something that works. Fast.

I like the no-fuss, kick your ass into gear energy of it!

PS: Here’s the page with all my other books as well!
(Dutch/Nederlands AND English)


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