This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..
Except: I didn’t really have a good enough reason.
There were no matters that were affecting me, and that needed to stay private.
There was no reason to only email, aside from the fact that I had kind of liked that. It had felt like skipping class, to break my self-imposed rule to always write a blog post preceding our call.
To “earn” your coaching, or to justify spending money on myself.
To first work.
But the fact that I wanted to not write, was a pattern that I have witnessed the past two weeks or perhaps even longer.
That I don’t feel like writing for my LS Harteveld account, or even hesitate writing my pen friend The Saint/ Nikki;
It is all related.
And in a way it feels like mourning.
For a lot of things: Sexuality, my lover (we still see each other but our affair is over), but most of all that I m not further along the road with my art, and in particular with my books.
But it didn’t work.
I barely published any books, and yet I lost three months as well as my entire productivity.
Since autumn it has been terribly quiet.
Feeling massive disappointment, I had screwed it up.
We’ve been here before.
That usually costs me 5 hours, preparation only.
That can take anything up to a few days to a few weeks per book.
And on days when I have a lot of time, I do enjoy it to add half an hour of this and half an hour of that.
And all the good habits, and mental peace I had been building during the week, went overboard.
So from now on it’s creation first.
Everything else second.
That’s soon enough.
An unexamined life is not worth living
My diaries are available at LULU
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