The Desert Goddess

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara( Sara’s Fb page)
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.

Dear Sara,
Every time I write you, I feel like checking what I wrote last time.
As if I fear you are keeping checklists of my analysis and conclusions, my plans and resolutions. When in the highly unlikely case that you did, I know you would never use them against me.
That I don’t have to meet any standards of consistency, although obviously a part of me still thinks investing in creativity coaching requires some sort of accountability.
I went to Star Wars 9 and to my unpleasant surprise the leaks were true. Despite its promising part 7 and 8, the entire sequel saga which started in 2015, was not about a love story between the darkside warrior Kylo Ren and his equal in the light, the girl from Jakku.
It was about the birth of an overpowered super heroine (the antis use this as something bad, but I ve decided to claim that as my bio) who doesn’t need anybody.
Or at least I hope so, because she ended up all alone without the love of her life, on a desert planet to, as Twitter put it;
“eat sand.”
You can’t blame Star Wars for lack of symbolism, when they let her love interest (who was still on the dark side then) snatch a fertility necklace from her neck,  through Force projection.
I thought this was subliminal messaging for some kind of reference to rough sex.
But apparently it meant:
“No sex for you. Stay a virgin and if you re lucky we’ll give you an immaculate conception so that we can keep fantasizing about you and we don’t have to compete with tall, dark and handsome warriors.”
Eat sand, check.
Just like Rey’s future had suddenly changed from happily ever after with her dark prince to facing life alone, my future changed to when my own tall and handsome lover called it quits.
And just like Rey, I tried to tell myself I would get over it, there were more fish in the sea (although few in the desert), and it would all be a chance to redesign my love life.
Being a mistress had been unsatisfactory with regard to the number of times I had sex. I had not had sex for 5 month when we broke up.
Which was an advantage when processing the breakup, but in previous years the numbers had been modest as well.
I could see how becoming fully single, would help me to adjust to the idea of having multiple men in my life.
But only when I m in love.
The major takeaway from having been single since 2006 has been that I know that sex without being in love is just as boring to me, as sex within a long-term relationship where the passion has died out.

This requirement alone may very well be why I might never have sex again and I m okay with that.
So I was left alone with my thoughts on how I could use this time as a single to upgrade my sex life from having a basis/ mindset in place that could support one lover, to one that supported at least the idea of having two lovers.
But against any and all of my expectations, something happened that was the opposite of what I expected; When I masturbated my orgasms had intensified.
Practically overnight.
The first time was two days after the breakup.
It was a session of which I thought: 
“Let’s get this over with, so that I have that first time out of the way,”
and BOOM!
The only time I remember experiencing this, was when I was in my early 30s.
I had always assumed it had been an age thing.
When you re in your early thirties your body does what it can to talk you into making babies.

But in retrospect, it’s much more likely it was sparked by me and my partner breaking up. Just like now, it was a very smooth breakup, nothing dramatic.
We even stayed together, living together for another two years. 
As friends.
So apparently, as much time as I had invested in figuring out my sexuality and my relationships, as much as I had gained knowledge over all those years – 
I know who I am right now, and that I had been right in 2006 that a long-term sexual relationship really was not my thing-
I had overlooked something major as well:
That I was absolutely fine, being alone.
If anything, I was doing better.
I will never stop loving tall, dark and handsome warriors.
And still think Rey and her man should have ended up together, they deserved it.
But as far as my own sex life goes, I now know that there really is no reason whatsoever to “invest” in a love life or to turn myself inside out in order to be able to deal with two lovers.
In the end I am just as happy alone in the desert.
And certainly just as hot.


An unexamined life is not worth living

A Farewell to a Darkside Warrior (on this blog)
#thankyourianjohnson | A Reylo Fairy Tale on The Rise of Skywalker
( a Star Wars Meta, on my other blog)

subscribe to YouTube for My Life in Bon Jovi songs.

and my Dutch blog about film. Nederlands blog over film:
Zeg maar Lauren

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I usually write for my 1994 diary:
1994: A Performance Art Project
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