This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.
As if I fear you are keeping checklists of my analysis and conclusions, my plans and resolutions. When in the highly unlikely case that you did, I know you would never use them against me.
That I don’t have to meet any standards of consistency, although obviously a part of me still thinks investing in creativity coaching requires some sort of accountability.
Or at least I hope so, because she ended up all alone without the love of her life, on a desert planet to, as Twitter put it;
You can’t blame Star Wars for lack of symbolism, when they let her love interest (who was still on the dark side then) snatch a fertility necklace from her neck, through Force projection.
I thought this was subliminal messaging for some kind of reference to rough sex.
But apparently it meant:
“No sex for you. Stay a virgin and if you re lucky we’ll give you an immaculate conception so that we can keep fantasizing about you and we don’t have to compete with tall, dark and handsome warriors.”
Eat sand, check.
And just like Rey, I tried to tell myself I would get over it, there were more fish in the sea (although few in the desert), and it would all be a chance to redesign my love life.
Being a mistress had been unsatisfactory with regard to the number of times I had sex. I had not had sex for 5 month when we broke up.
Which was an advantage when processing the breakup, but in previous years the numbers had been modest as well.
I could see how becoming fully single, would help me to adjust to the idea of having multiple men in my life.
But only when I m in love.
The major takeaway from having been single since 2006, has been that I know that sex without being in love is just as boring to me, as sex within a long-term relationship where the passion has died out.
This requirement alone may very well be why I might never have sex again and I m okay with that.
So I was left alone with my thoughts on how I could use this time as a single to upgrade my sex life from having the basics/ a mindset in place that could support one lover, to one that supported at least the idea of having two lovers.
But against any and all of my expectations, something happened that was the opposite of what I expected; When I masturbated my orgasms had intensified.
The first time was two days after the breakup.
It was a session of which I thought:
“Let’s get this over with, so that I have that first time out of the way,”
The only time I remember experiencing this, was around 2006;
When I was in my early 30s.
I had always assumed it had been an age thing.
At that age your body does what it can to talk you into making babies.
But with the same thing happening now, it’s much more likely it was sparked by me and my partner breaking up!
Just like now, it was a very smooth breakup, nothing dramatic.
We even stayed together, living together for another two years.
So apparently, as much time as I had invested in figuring out my sexuality and my relationships, as much as I had gained knowledge over all those years –
I know who I am right now, and that I had been right in 2006 that a long-term sexual relationship really was not my thing-
I had overlooked something major as well:
That I was absolutely fine, being alone.
If anything, I was doing better.
But as far as my own sex life goes, I now know that there really is no reason whatsoever to “invest” in a love life or to turn myself inside out in order to be able to deal with two lovers.
An unexamined life is not worth living
coming soon: new books
1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020
The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.