Redemption

warning: Spoilers for Star Wars 9 The Rise of Skywalker

This blogpost is about a breakup, after a 5 year long forbidden affair to a handsome man, strong on the dark side of the Force.
It’s written to my creativity coach Sara (Sara’s Fb page)

Dear Sara,

I feel kind of nervous writing this.
As if it is The Letter of Letters, about The King of Kings and the ending of a saga that has changed the world.
Or at least me.
But maybe it is easier to compare it to Star Wars 9, which will be released in a couple of days.

Star Wars 9 is the final movie of the Skywalker Saga, which was started by George Lucas over 40 years ago. It is now owned by Disney, who try to work the material, in a way that satisfies the fans without fucking it up and disappointing everyone.
So far predictions for 9 are that they’re fucking it up disappointing everyone.

Maybe that explains why I feel Mr.Big and me have done an absolutely amazing job ending our 5 year long affair.
We did not fuck it up.
And we have not disappointed anybody, which wasn’t too hard since nobody knew in the first place.
I think even we, did not expect something that was forged into existence against the odds, against anything we had envisioned or hoped for ourselves, something which has derailed both our lives, probably more than we have realized when it was still happening;
That something like that could be ended in such a loving, supportive way.
We had a breakup that was was so good, you could have built a marriage onto it and live happily ever after.
And it wasn’t even my idea 😉

So first off, I had not intimately seen him in five months. 
We had kept in touch, and have seen each other at least once coincidentally; but there was nothing unusual about the way we had been interacting.
Except that five months not seeing each other in private, was longer that it had ever been.
I leave 95% of the initiative as to when we see each other to him, and in 100% of the cases I leave the initiative of longer dates, or a more intimate setting, up to him.
So when I asked him if he would like to see each other, and he suggested coffee in a public place around 2, there was nothing unusual about it.
I was guessing it would be a get-acquainted again date. And that we’d meet “properly” in days, weeks. But certainly in 2019.
So I did not expect this to be a breakup conversation, and strangely enough I am convinced that neither did he.
I think he really gave himself permission to either postpone it, or to contemplate a little more, feel into the whole vibe of what we had. Did it really needed saying?
And if so, did it need to be now?
Just like our dates had always been open and lighthearted, and our sexual play was never in the foreground until we were both warmed up to the idea, and time and location permitted it – this final date, which could have ended in a traumatizing breakup for both parties, was so in tune that it possessed a certain beauty, intimacy.
It must have benefited from our ability to tune into each other, and to speak about something which on the surface must have looked like a disturbing topic to others – but that was supported by a deep understanding.
In the same way our sex had contained lots of powerplay and mindgames, but no safe words, no rules: something other people would judge to be irresponsible.
But for us it was entirely safe.
We didn’t need words to understand each other.
Our conversation merely explained the details, of why he wanted to break up and why I understood that. But our words were not used to communicate on a deeper level.
That was the same wordless bond it had always been.

When I conduct one story from what he has told me, together with what I have instinctively been feeling (remind me to get back to that), this is the story why we’re breaking up:
In August I could already feel him pulling away from me.
I was doing very, very badly.
From (I think) halfway July to halfway November, I had the worst four months of my life. And the final smackdown of a 16 month period, which started July 2018.
Oh screw that about me getting back and explaining later, what I had instinctively been feeling! It’s so obvious!
Months ago I wrote you a letter which contained the wise words:
“Sara, whenever I m feeling bad, please remind me that it’s always about a man. And if it’s not about a man, it’s still about a man.”
Unfortunately “Being about a man” – although it had sounded simple enough – has proven to be a complex, layered process, with the following elements. Which probably take place in three different time zones or realities!
1. I will fall in love with a new man but not know it/ not be aware of it;
2. I will focus and stress over my writing, my publishing, my yoga or coaching business, and come up and start countless new plans and projects. None of which make me feel any better.
3. Sudden bursts of anxiety at strange moments.
4. Suicidal thoughts related to having to get a real job (and not having ample time to write)
All four things have happened both last year, as well as halfway July-half November this year.
However, the key is that I ve always felt that “I was not alone”. That there was something going on with him, in his life, that was influencing my reality.
Like a glitch in the Matrix.
Sometimes I was even able to pinpoint it later on, when we met within a week or so, after some major shift had happened. And he mentioned something, and it turned out to be the moment I had felt something.
If I would have to put a model to it, I would say all four things are related to him not doing well, or related to him deliberately turning away from me.
If he’s unconsciously pulling back or if his life is exciting and fun, I do not seem to have these strong responses.
But anyway, because this is all so complex, I do not blame myself for trying to solve my life by tackling individual problems.
My fear of a contract job.
My crushes with new men.
My anxiety.
How else would I be able to deal with them?
I can’t call my lover and yell: “Hey, dude, fix your life! I m getting really bad vibes over here.”
So if I combine everything he told me about why he wants to break up, with everything I have subconsciously been picking up, I would say he already started turning away within a month after our last encounter.
And the explanation I got was that he finds it hard that we only share the good times together. Which became even more pressing when something private happened.
Within months after our wonderful encounter, the entire situation had changed so much – first intentionally and then unintentionally – that it had become out of the question that he would still be seeing his secret mistress.
He took full responsibility, and acknowledged, that he had been turning away before. And did not hide behind the new situation.
I appreciated that.
But nevertheless, it did offer a very clear image that this was not something we were going to debate, or investigate. Of course we were going to breakup.
No questions asked, I would even say.
But nevertheless, it did surprise me that my whole world did not fall apart, in the hours and days after. How was this even possible?
It was like a tremendous burden had been lift from my shoulders.
I was free… but from what?

At first I could not believe it, as you can imagine. I thought there was simply no way it was going to be “this easy”. But when hours turned into days, and I m now almost at the one week marker – I can really say:
I am okay.
And there are probably a multitude of reasons for that but the two I want to highlight are: I already did my time, and during our relationship, I was feeling unsafe.
First, I did my time (like in probation):
It has been 5 months since we last had sex.
That’s as if you’re addicted to cigarettes, get pneumonia, and by the time you’re healed you have not smoked for two weeks.
If you quit then, it will be a lot easier because you’ve already been nicotine free for two weeks.
It’s the same with this relationship:
It’s been five months since we’ve been intimate.
That’s totally different to if it had been five days or even five weeks.
I ve already put in my time. More than that. They were the worst months of my entire life. It was the dramatic “four month smackdown”, maybe meltdown would be a better word, where I looked everywhere to find an explanation for why I was feeling so bad.
I have come to terms with this breakup, without knowing what was going on.
No wonder I m not crying now.
I ve cried for four months.
The second reason:
I ve always felt unsafe.
During those five years I ve presented myself as the mistress of a married business man (or banker) with children, and I suggested there were difficulties within that family or marriage, which could explain both his need for fun (me) as well as why he was loyal to them and would never leave them.
But the truth was a lot more complicated than that.
And the consequences if it ever came out, were entirely different from “just” him having to fight for custody. If it came out, it could have consequences for me.
We had a secret affair because of him, and I supported that.
It’s one of the things I can recommend to any mistress, any partner: play on his team. Don’t push your own agenda, but make what’s important to them, important to you.
It’s the reason it worked, all those years.
And it’s the reason I let him go, the minute he wants to leave.
Of course I do.
But what I had failed to see, was how much the secrecy had been to protect myself. And how much anxiety it has caused. Just the thought of what might happen if it would come out, could make me sick to my stomach.
And it often did.
That’s all over now. It will slowly fade into the background, and every year that passes I will be safer. I made it.
I will never go there again.
Sure; Keeping a relationship a secret for my own pleasure? Avoid all the questions, the outer justification, the expectations and all the normality?
That’s one thing.
But to feel unsafe for 5 years, that was very straining.
And it was the reason I did not crash and burn when he broke up with me.
I was getting my life back.

There are speculations about Star Wars 9. And all endings so far seem to agree that Kylo Ren gets redeemed and becomes Ben Solo again.
And then he dies.
None of the endings that have leaked, suggest that Rey and Kylo Ren/Ben Solo will live happily ever after.
It seems a given, that they will not.
In some versions, Kylo Ren just falls into a pit “never to be seen again”.
In others he has a speech, words of wisdom, and consciously sacrifices his life to save Rey, before he falls into the pit.
Star Wars 9 will end with Rey being all alone on a desert planet, with no one who understands her.

There is no happy ending and she’s exactly where she started in 2015.
Just an entirely different person.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

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