I was going to see him two weeks ago but I cancelled because of personal stuff going on in my life. Things I didn’t want to burden our date with.
To me our time together is sacred.
Yet I informed my lover Mr.Big on what was going on, the reason I was cancelling my date.
Which was a rarity already!
We never speak to each other about what’s going on in our lives.
We don’t have to. I usually share everything with the world, through these blog posts. And he just keeps his thoughts to himself. Sometimes I inquisitively poke his mind, knowing very well he’ll kick me out.
So two weeks ago I did share the story about what was going in my life but it didn’t bring us closer together or anything. It was a confirmation that it was a good thing that we kept our affair so clean of drama.
Our dates were places of magic.
A realm where we were “only” lovers, and had been for the last four years.
Yet I never counted on this world to keep on existing. Even when he’d ask me out on a date, it could still go either way.
Somewhere in the first year I had discovered that the chance that he would one day friend-zone me, was a lot higher than the risk he would ever fully break-up with me.
But this also made it more complicated to know where I was standing. And the past 6 to 8 weeks, had been particularly straining. I had effectively ignored the gnawing insecurity of not knowing where I stood.
But it had been there in the back of my mind none the less.
All the way through the entire holiday season.
I had no idea if we were still on, or if he had another lover and if that was a reason to stop having sex with me. Or maybe he wanted to save his marriage, and that required his full attention.
Maybe our dates would only be in cafes and other public places, from now on. Away from the seclusion of his apartment, the heart of our affair.
In retrospect I had been taking a huge risk, breaking our code of silence around our personal affairs on a moment where I had no idea what my status was.
Yet on our date, the newly scheduled one, I dressed nicely and I was looking forward to it like crazy. I seemed to be absolutely certain we were still on, even though I had no proof to back it up.
We had a lovely date, and he laughed at my uncertainty.
I drank wine, even though I have stopped drinking. It added to the feeling of otherworldliness, like a shamanistic experience where you drink a hallucinating beverage to travel across.
I was invited to come over to his house, and we had lovely sex. So new, almost uncomfortable even. But it made it extra special.
As if we really were two different people every time, in an ever changing relationship.
When I took a condom from his pack, I didn’t count or estimate if he had used them without me. When I went to the bathroom to clean up and I threw our condom in the bin, I didn’t look for traces of other women who might have been there recently. I even noticed a feeling somewhere between jealousy and excitement and became aware that I had chosen this insecurity.
That I liked the thrill of being chosen over and over, instead of being the only one.
If there really was or had been someone else, I didn’t have to know the details because Mr.Big gave me the only thing that mattered: His full attention.
He was the perfect lover, in the perfect place:
Our world between worlds.
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
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