Luv Can. How one new Bon Jovi record just saved me, 2020, and my entire legacy

The track Luv Can was pulled from Bon Jovi’s album 2020,
and only released as a bonus track in Japan.


I have no doubts I will have turned into Catherine Tramell, by the time this is over. 

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup..

Dear Sara,
They say it is darkest before the dawn, so September will be that;
My dark before the dawn.
The big breakthrough.
The moment you know that despite Twenty Twenty suffering from covidus interruptus, taking seven months down;
“On the dawn of the eighth month, look West!”
To New Jersey.
On October 2nd, almost 7 months to the day after the first Covid regulations in The Netherlands, Bon Jovi released their album 2020.
Yet I find myself listening to the version they had planned for March, more than to the finite album they released which included songs about the pandemic and Black Lives Matter.

But then again, I’ve always had a neck for returning to the past at will, far more than a willingness to deal with the present.
But in its own miraculous way, which I m not even sure if I can join the dots to paint a picture how it all fit together, the release of the album and the promotion for the release, did what so far nothing else could:
It saved my year.
It saved me.
And it brought me back to the now.
To start with the last part: Summer 2019 I started a performance project where I wrote from 1994.
Although there were many ups and down, and I proved to be rather bad at living in the past, I was persistent and reset my project time and time again.
This blog has been “curated by Suzanne” for months now, and I also signed my blogs (with the exception of the occasional story Lauren wrote from 1995, as it now was) as:
I didn’t write in 2020 as or under the name LS Harteveld.
And for good reason.
Lauren/ LS Harteveld stands for daring work, and includes not so much free sex, but exciting sex.
Finding enticing things to write about.
In Covid times, which I anonymously referred to as “C.” the first couple of months, there is not much boundaries to push, when even a handshake is criminal.
It’s just not my world.
When Covid came, I was even more determined to bury myself in the 90s, and not pay attention in the now.
But I had not foreseen that with social distancing and the impossibility for sex in 2020, I didn’t have much to do and to discover as 23 year old me in 1995.
Since those rules or limitations cannot be bypassed.

I did adjust the story, and gave Lauren95 a relapse to her aids/hiv phobia, which would explain for her not having a sex life in my book, but it didn’t quite sit well.
I had not set up this entire project, to live in celibacy in a lonely 1995.
It’s a bit like going skiing and then there is no snow;
Even if you do manage to have a fun holiday, it’s not why you came.
The project had failed.
I am now back in the now, current day.
This site will no longer be curated by Suzanne, it will “just” be Lauren. And everything I wrote the past half year, struggling with my identity, Covid, and the failure of my time travel project, will be turned into a diary/ book called:
My diary of 2020.
C. will be one of the many books I have decided to publish, very fast.
Like I said: I have lost this year, there’s no two ways about it.
But it is not too late;
I’m going to make 2020 the year I publish all my unpublished work.
And I have a very good reason to do so: I can make the date on the first page 2020, or 2021. The first being far more badass and epic!
I have no idea how many books I could theoretically create, but I am going to “squeeze”, or cut, until there are “only” ten.
I love that number.
In 2017, I published 10 as well. 
It was because of the Bon Jovi album being called 2020, and how it changed from the initial version that was going to be released in March, to a new version in October, that made me super reflective on this year.
I think that’s what brought out my determination to make 2020 work after all.
Another trigger to get my act together was that from the little promotional interviews that I actually read, I got that Jon Bon Jovi currently prioritizes song writing, then recording, and only after that touring.
And I thought:
“Dang! If even the best performers are no longer performing, it’s time to step up my game!”
The way I see it, this public performance would not be as LS Harteveld.
The past couple of years it has been really clear to me that LS Harteveld is a writing-only account. That my work here (under pseudonym) is so deeply personal, I really don’t see myself talking about its content.
But under my real name, I was not really “in touch” with what I came here to do. With what I wanted to be.
I didn’t have those vulnerable books there, and yet I still felt unsure.
But now that I see even Jon Bon Jovi being so serious and weighed down by the reality of day to day life and the Covid crisis, I feel there is a story that needs to be told.
That everything I have been studying and developing with regard to raising you energy, your excitement, your power if you will;
Is especially relevant, in a society bouncing back from Covid.
My bookkeeper once told me a story that in the Netherlands we have three types developmental work: social work where you bring people from a subpar level to a standard level where they have food, housing, education and so on.
You have work in order to keep them at that level, for example health services or sponsoring exercise and dieting. Everything that prevents people from dropping back to subpar level.
And then you have work where you elevate people from the standard level to a higher level of self-actualization.
In my opinion Bon Jovi used to inspire the whole range of them; He would take Tommy and Gina by the hand at the lowest level, but he would motivate them to go all the way up!
Probably by releasing a new album at exactly the time they were starting to slide down a bit, and Bam! There was the new album!
And up they went.
And I feel this new Bon Jovi – the record was already socially conscious before it was 2020, or before Covid – is concentrating on the lowest ranks.
To the one who need it most, that’s for sure.
But the higher ranks, how you go from good to great?
I will never be Jon Bon Jovi, and no doubt my message will speak to entirely different audience, but it was that part where I saw this sudden vacancy, that inspired me to like I said step up my game and get serious.
This will be under my real name.
So by publishing all my LS Harteveld work in 2020, and after this pseudo-retirement of my pseudonym and becoming very minimalist with my writing here (my first thought: only when I m having sex again!), I will have freed up my schedule and my attention to go all-in under my real name, as a speaker about all those things.
And as a yoga teacher who speaks about all those things.
As someone who can be an example of how you can free your mind in a way that you can go from good to great.
I have used a picture of Catherine Tramell for this blog. 
She, the fictional character from Basic Instinct (1992) is still for me the most important role model in becoming a writer.
“She” also wrote under a pen-name, Catherine Woolf.
The only thing I have not established yet, is “feeling” that identity, or any other identity, under my real name.
Maybe because I don’t see myself as a writer there.
The real me, that I look forward to exploring and expanding as of January, is still fairly neutral. 
And suffering a bit, under Covid and the stress of where will it all go.
The responsibility of making her life matter.
I think the Me under my real name is trying, but heartbroken.
She appears stable and strong, but she herself knows how brittle it is.
How much pain there is underneath.
Just like Jon Bon Jovi.


An unexamined life is not worth living


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