Only last week I was still worried about my sexuality.
I didn’t masturbate anymore.
Or very little.
I knew I felt better at times when I did masturbate and preferably daily.
But I just couldn’t make myself.

It probably started when the scaffolding was up, and I couldn’t lie in bed in private unless I closed the curtains.
Which were extra dark and heavy, to protect me from prying eyes.
But the only times I went to bed was to nap if I was particularly sleep deprived from a combination of not being able to sleep due to all the stress,
and still wanting to get up early, either because they needed to be in my house.
Or because I wanted to be dressed and behind my desk the time the construction workers started their work on the outside of the building.
Still in the dark.
Sun doesn’t get up until 8.30

The past few weeks were pretty sleep-deprived due to the more or less involuntary early start on weekdays so when my head hit the pillow all I wanted to do was sleep.
Perhaps the overnight recovery of my libido was because they all left for their 2 week holiday recess.
But the past couple of days my sexuality is right back where I left it, plus more.
I masturbate every day and the orgasms are deeper than they used to be.

The leap is comparable to around the time I was thirty, when the same thing happened. I was in a long-term relationship but just like now my sex-life hardly included any real sex.
I felt the change based on masturbation alone.
I have that same leap in sexual zest right now.
The improvement surprised me because after twelve years of giving my single love life my undivided attention, I had just changed direction.

From now on I was focused on becoming the first Dutch 7-figure rock star writer, and my secret lover Mr.Big could just go do whatever he wanted because being dependent on when he had time, had figured things out, or waiting for him to come around, was no longer satisfying.
I wasn’t saying that I would never see him again.
Nor that I didn’t love him anymore.
But I had decided that I wasn’t going to WAIT.
FIT IN.
BEND OVER THE FUCK BACKWARDS TO HAVE SEX WITH THE MAN I LOVE.
I needed all my energy, sanity and self-esteem for this new goal I had.

In theory, and this is all hypothetical, I could become one of those strong career women who have carefree, satisfying sex, with a variety of lovers.
Late at night, after a hard day of work, when she needs to relax and texts a man if he fancies a drink.
But I don’t do carefree.
I don’t do low-maintenance.
Mainly because I put in so much work and effort in order to have a good time.

With most men I had to do the mental work, the making-conversation AND creating the environment and mindset/idea which would make make me want to have sex.
I’ve been good at sex because I could let go, or compensate for everything the other person wasn’t able to deliver. Or for every feeling that I lacked for him.
Intimacy.
Emotions.
Arousal.

If I needed to I could spin the whole entire thing.
But this also means that sex for me is draining, a lot of fucking work.
I’m sure that in those twelve years I’ve had multiple lovers who did do more than their share.
But at this point in my life, having renounced the entire concept that I’m ever going to do his work, make his excuses, and settle for anyone who’s not emotionally mature enough, not interested enough, not socially skilled enough to make the whole entire thing work like fricking magic?
I just can’t think of anyone.

My relationship with Mr.Big stood out, not just because I was madly in love with him, but also because he was really good when we were together.
The moments we were actually together – I never had to do his work.
With him I had to work on the moments when we were not, together.

But after four years, and experiencing another level of being excluded from his life, I’m done playing this game.
I’m losing.
Where I once enjoyed having him in my life, without being thrown out like all his other side-dates;
And without jeopardizing his marriage, which was obviously important to him or he would have divorced her;
Something has changed.
And I would be very surprised if that started with me having enough of it, that would be giving myself too much credit.

No, I think it started with him giving me less, and me ultimately starting to feel unwanted.
I decided last week I was not going to invest anything in my love life again, and focus entirely on my career.
And what happened?
My sexuality restored.
ALL with fantasies based on Mr.Big and me.

There have been times when I have tried to quit masturbating to him. So that if he would end things with me, I wouldn’t lose my favorite masturbation fantasies along with it.
But now I see something else has happened; I have completely internalized our sex life. Him and me.
I can actually afford not investing in our flaky lover/mistress relationship, and also let him be with whomever he wants to be.
I don’t need him for the best love life ever.
I’ve got everything I need right here, in my head.

I don’t need him any more than he needs me. 

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

7-Figure Rock Star Writer

I m bringing sexy back (home) is episode 10 of my project 7-figure rock star writer

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about “GLOW-UP 2026”

In January, Google has started pushing my old posts.
Unfortunately, my website was one of many casualties of WordPress Gugenheim software updates.
Meaning the layout of this post was completely destroyed and none of the new visitors was able to read it.

Therefor I have decided to run by all my old posts, starting with the ones currently in rotation, and give them a well-deserved update that will do what glow-ups are supposed to do;
Make them better.

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