Express yourself

After her confession that three days of rest have left her even more drained than three days of Major Life Changes (change her name, start a company, become an entrepreneur);
Lauren finally figures out, WHY.

I m staring at my agenda. Once again, and this is something that comes up frequently in the first paragraph of this blog, I m thinking:
“How the fuck did I manage to miss this?”
Feeling all drained after three days OFF?
Are you joking?
And then I saw it.
Now technically, it could still be one of two things. And it’s probably both.
The first thing which could explain my lack of energy;
I didn’t write for three days.
I did make videos on Friday morning, for my Dutch channel under my real name.  
And I wrote a Sunday night confession that I was feeling shitty, but that was when I had already exceeded my non-writing day limit.
The damage was already done.
Somewhere between my post about my lover Mr.Big on Thursday, and Things-Went-AWOL Sunday, I lost it.
And then it hit me.

It was NOT just the writing!
It’s because from those three days, only one of them had allowed me to FULLY BE ME!
I even had a conversation that day, with my friend, telling him I was already drawing attention to myself as if I was a lighthouse. Which included negative attention, we were actually scolded at just walking the sidewalk.
I am by now completely used to complete strangers calling me names.
And I m not even famous!

Please let me remember this, when I am famous. That it was never a choice because the option Just Pretend You re Not There And Act Normal, is apparently not available to me.
People notice me even if I do nothing.
And they know who I am, or understand on an instinctual level that I m dangerous. Which is true. I am dangerous. I have non-conformist ideas, but I have tremendous people skills which enable me to manipulate people in a very pleasant way-
for all parties.

But I do wreck the system.
I can point out where they are manipulated, by government, their boss, their spouse, or even by their own thoughts about marriage, since I m best known for being a mistress.
I advocate mistresshood as a sexual preference and missing link in our idea of love and relationships.

So a mistress who can manipulate you, yet who makes it a pleasurable, even totally empowering experience? 
I don’t blame those people who can immediately sense I am the enemy.
I really don’t.
Good job, excellent instincts.
But the problem is, that I am not living like THAT person! I usually write/ do my biz in the morning, go for a walk or cycle in the afternoon, and at night I go see a movie, have a wine at a bar, or see family or I work or write some more.

All places where I don’t necessarily shine.
I shine a little bit, when I go out. Sometimes I meet new people, and that is great! Then I shine!
But with family and also to an extend with most of my friends; it’s very important to keep tuning in how much space there is on a given day.
Or what someone needs.

Except after three days I was absolutely exhausted from keeping that switch from flipping at the wrong moment, and scaring everybody away. 
Drained, because I had been regulating and even cutting off, my natural power source for way too many hours.
Even now, Monday afternoon (I have to leave within minutes, so I can’t even write as much as I want) I feel so tired.
So I m going to prioritize doing one Lighthouse Activity a day.
It can be a network meeting, or by seeing certain friends.
But if it’s a social gathering where have to be careful about putting on the light, and which may or may not end up with us having a great time (we do ultimately usually have  a great time – it’s just the being unsure that’s difficult) –
those dates don’t count as lighthouse dates or activities.
And if they turn out to be just that, that’s a bonus!
But instead of making the resolution to do something social every day, I m shifting the focus to: I have to do something that allows me to SHINE. And stand in my true power.
For example, picking up creating videos for my LS Harteveld YouTube channel.
I am going to be a working lighthouse, instead of just a giant tower taking up space and taking away sun. And after these last three days I have full understanding that to be a working lighthouse is WAY more important than writing, business, daylight, or any of the other things I was building a 100 day challenge around.
Those things are not going to do anything for me, nor for someone else.
Not unless I put the light on first.

An unexamined life is not worth living

Express yourself is the forty-eighth chapter from Project M. 

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