Shoo bee doo

Lauren still thinks she might, could, should, need a second lover.
But before she’s made up her mind, the first candidate is practically thrown into her lap.

I wish I had asked him how much she knew, his significant other. But the question seemed inappropriate.
And I didn’t want to ruin our time together before we had even talked about what we wanted.
Where did we want this to go?
If – or how – we were going to explore our feelings for each other, was like the elephant in the dining room. Therefor it was impossible for me to ask:
“What can I write, and what can’t I write about this date? How much does she know?”
Because that would be like asking:
“That elephant we’re not going to talk about? What color socks is he wearing?”
You can’t talk about an elephant’s socks without acknowledging there’s an elephant.
You can’t talk about how you’re going to keep an affair secret, without acknowledging you’re considering an affair.
And that’s all it was.
We were both still only considering.
Fate had brought us together at a time when I realized I was not taking proper care of myself, in my secret affair with my longtime lover Mr.Big.
After years of getting too little sex, finding a second lover had almost become a necessity. I was done having years where the number of days I had sex was between five and ten.
And so far Mr.Big was not making more time for me, so this left me no choice. Regardless of how fond I was of him.
It was time to up my game.
I knew that, but like I said;
Considering.
That’s all it was.
Part of me still hoped or even believed Mr.Big would stop me in my tracks, and ask me:
“Tell me your price!”
But there were other reasons as well, that I wasn’t going to take this second lover thing lightly. Because I had no idea what would happen.
I wasn’t even sure, if I would be able to enjoy having two lovers. Or if I would become chronically unhappy or in a constant state of panic. I could lose Mr.Big if I wouldn’t be able to make love anymore, surrender to him the way I used to.
Even if that was temporary: would he give me time to adjust?
Was I even allowed learning time, or did I have only one shot?
The uncertainty of having two lovers scared me.
And I could feel the same was true for the man I was now talking to, in this restaurant, with this giant elephant we were ignoring.
We were touching each other a lot, but not in a flirtatious matter.
It was more a comforting way of sharing our fears on a deeper level, that we didn’t want to fuck it all up. Not what we already had with our current partners. But also not with each other.
The touches were also a first curious exploration of our bodies liking or disliking each other.
They liked.
Not in an electric, flames-licking-ceiling way, but in a nice and comfortable way.
“It’s going to be okay,” the palm of his hand said to my arm.
“Can you believe they’re being so difficult?” my fingertips tickled his fingers.
But still there was so much hesitation, on both our parts. Because we didn’t want to risk what we had.
Neither one had made the decision that we needed to have an affair to keep things afloat “at home”. Let alone that we had already chosen the person we were having dinner with now, was The One.
Or rather The Second.
I had my reservations, about many, many things. But I could feel the connection was certainly promising.
And I m sure he had his reservations about me too.
Physically, sexually, emotionally.
But most of all, concerns for my writing.
It was a liability, I knew that. And I would do well not to draw attention to it.
If I wanted to leave my options open, the last thing I should ask on this date was:
“What can I share in my blog?”
So I didn’t.

<3LSH
An unexamined life is not worth living

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Shoo bee doo is the nineteenth chapter from Project M.
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tenth anniversary of the book that changed my life!

Summer 2008 I started writing in English.
Dutch American Diary
Just like now, I was in love with two men. And just like now, they were both taken.
And – yes, just like now – I had no idea where life would take me.
This 2008 diary became the only thing that offered stability during a time where I had just left my partner after fourteen years and the two new men were driving me crazy.
A book about starting over in your mid-thirties and reinventing yourself as a lover;
As a woman;
And as a vengeful fury from hell.