Category: It took me a very long time to get here

INTRODUCTION TO “I COULDN’T HELP BUT WONDER”
July 28, 2021

In Spring 2021 I wrote diary entries on Facebook, inspired by Carrie from Sex and the City, who is also a writer just like me.
But it didn’t stick, mainly because my other diaries took flight or I started new ones.
And it died out.

However, in 2020 I wrote a series I called It Took Me A Very Long Time To Get Here. And I called it Season One.
The idea behind It Took Me A Very Long Time To Get Here, was that I would write about my relationship with “my” Mister Big, for four seasons of each 11 episodes.
A project I did not pick up in 2021 for a season two…

Which is why I have decided to add the collection of diary posts I Couldn’t Help But Wonder,
and although it is only three posts –
will be my season two of It Took Me A Very Long Time To Get Here.
It is my 2021 addition to this annual series, where I reflect on my writing, my relationship, myself.
I think it’s an annual recalibrating of who I am. 

I do have other diaries still going on, among which my 1995 journal and a project called A Sexual Odyssey.
Subscribe to this blog, or follow me Facebook
or Twitter: @LSHarteveld
to read these new posts, when they come out.

And then, without further ado, here’s my May 2021 diary
I Couldn’t Help But Wonder

~Lauren

THE ONE THAT ALWAYS FELT LIKE ME
13 May, 2021
post 1/3

I already have two diaries here on Facebook and they go on the blog as well (I m a bit slow on reposting/ bundling them, but they will get done!)
but neither of the two is exactly “me”.

One is the diary of 23 year old Lauren in 1996, where I translate my constrained 2021 Covid life to her age, and to 1996.
I started this series in 2019 (her 1994), so that was before the pandemic which was both a blessing,
– my escapism was not Covid induced! It had been my free choice to go into this experiment of seeing life through young, 1994 eyes –
but it was also a curse, because on top of having to translate 2.5 decades off of my age, I now also had to come up with a story line for my tethered twin in the 90s universe, when 2020 me was home bound.

It required imagination, and sometimes I just dropped out and announced I would stop writing because this was no life for 23 year old me.

That diary (you can find the one from first half 2020/1995 HERE) was and is fun, and almost two years up and running!, but it requires a lot of thinking before I can write a new entry.
My other diary here is a Covid inspired diary, where I am documenting the final months of Covid.

I intend to write until the final measure is gone.
Naturally this is also not a daily thing, because I don’t have daily things to say about it.

So today I decided I needed a low-key daily format, so I can share my work and myself.
And from all the characters I have used over the years to illustrate “me”, Madonna, Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, Molly Ringwald (young me), Charlize Theron in Atomic Blonde;

Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, was the one who always felt like Me the most.
Because she’s a writer, just like me. And also just like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, but I ve written soo much about her already!
But Carrie is more relatable!
And the moment I started calling my lover Mr.Big, I started feeling connected to Carrie. Identification with Sharon Stone/ Basic Instinct didn’t come to full fruition until recently.

These entries are not about Mr.Big or my sex life.
After all those years our situation grew increasingly complicated, which was one of the reasons I started diary writing as Lauren96/ Lauren 1994 when it started.
By transferring my life to the 90s, I had automatically added fiction into the mix.
If the men in Lauren’s life are inspired by 2021 men, is irrelevant.

But the identification with Carrie has stayed.

So here I am on Ascension (Christian holiday)
Not only do I want to write daily;
I also want to have a go at all those different topics and ideas that I have written down the past couple of months.
Things I could not write about in Covid diaries, not in my 1996 series, and not even to my coach Sara.
All new thoughts and interesting hooks, that I just can’t wait to get my head around.
Illustrated with a photo of Carrie Bradshaw.

“I couldn’t help but wonder…..”
That was her line, she always used it in her column as she was pondering over relationships, in particular her relationship with Mr.Big.

I couldn’t help but wonder;

What would Carrie’s columns have looked like, in times of Covid?

Let’s find out.

DON T LET PERFECT SEX BECOME THE ENEMY OF GOOD
14 May, 2021
post 2/3

In 2006 me and my boyfriend split, and the one thing I had in mind that I wanted to learn now that I was single for the first time in my adult life, was to “date”.
I never had that time of courtship and getting to know each other. I was always one of the boys and we just “hung out”.
Dating had always been the same as hanging out with the gang, just with two people instead of six.
And with sex after.

Although I had had relationships since I was young, I felt I had never “dated”.
Not just in the practical sense of what it is you do on a night together, but just the general notion of being in this in-between zone, where you have expressed an interest in each other simply by choosing to spend time together (entirely new concept!);
But also dating as a time when you practice being together, get to know each other, work towards your first kiss, first time sex, first weekend away maybe even.

“Dating” sounded like a process with so many things I had never done, but also like a lot less casual than what I was used to.
It seemed so determined compared to what suddenly felt like a Beavis and Butthead style of being together.
With a lot of “Uh uh okay”.

And I think one of the reasons I really liked my life as a single since then, is because I was so serious about dating.
I knew it was something special and really appreciated a man being with me. And him (or me) not having that excuse of being part of a group.
I felt more special, more chosen, when I dated than all the years I had just run into men because we hung out with the same people.

However, ultimately, I think when it comes to sex this started working against me.
Because I was so deliberate and conscientious with what it was I/we were doing (dating) I slept with more men than I would have than if we would have been in a hung out situation group style.
In a group, I would have been more passive. I would not have worked so hard to have a good time.
I would not have, as we say in the Netherlands, put up the decorations by myself.

I think because I was so invested in making our time together special, I failed to see that it was me working my butt off.
Not him.

Now my behavior or enthusiasm did pay off: I always had great lovers.
Once we were in bed, they were always really great to be around with, and I do not regret any of them.
But after that?
Oh boy.

It was so tough to get along. I felt I was walking on eggs, or could set off a trip wire anytime. And often did.
NOW it had become hard work.
NOW he was lukewarm, behaving oddly, and there was a passive aggressiveness that I had not seen before.
I had not seen it before; Literally.
Because if you hang out together and then become interested in each other, those situations of suddenly becoming lukewarm do not exist.

Neither one can afford to shit where they sleep.

So all in all, my eagerness for dating “like a real adult” and leave that student-esque way behind me, came with a few downsides.
But the upsides prevailed:
It broadens your horizons, you can date anybody you want.
It gives you a sense of freedom.

And of course the sex:
The sex had been outstanding!
No exceptions.
And under those circumstances I learned to be flexible when it comes to sex. To not wait for perfect.

I think one of the main reasons sex becomes so stale in long-term relationships, or did in mine anyway compared to the fireworks of the beginning-
the reason is, you have the luxury of time. Of waiting for it to be perfect.
I think women in particular, are uncomfortable with the timing not being ideal.

When you re going steady or living together, you have the luxury to wait for a more perfect day, the luxury of choice.
But that takes the urge off.

If he came over from the other side of the country to see you, you know you only have one night.
Saying No because you’re in your period, or have an important meeting tomorrow, or whatever, is going to cost you.

Despite me putting in so much time and effort in the date itself, and being aware I was (am!) “working”;
I was hardly ever prepared for the sex that followed.
I, my body, the circumstances, were never perfect.

And even recently, 2020 and 2021, with every encounter coming with a chance to catch Covid and contaminate everybody you come into contact with;
Circumstances are still not perfect.
Because of Covid.
Because of periods.
Because of him being unavailable for more.
Because of feeling nauseous from loneliness and just the entire dystopian feeling this era has.

And yet, it really is Carpe Diem all over again.
It is Carpe Diem ALWAYS

I still date, but by now I ve learned to only go for men who do the work for me.
Who take the lead.
Sure it’s something we do together, but I no longer put in so much work on the “dating” side, and then need the sex to make up for it.

The dates would be perfect in their own right, even when there would not be sex at all.

But these two Covid years more than ever, every time I feel myself getting fearful, thinking of my calendar for the upcoming weeks and thinking:
“Good God!”

The thought of the consequences of getting sick or all the drama of people getting tested and quarantined:
It’s so tempting to just postpone life itself, until we’re all vaccinated.

But then I remember all the years of dating, when I just put one foot in front of the other.
When all I had was one night, one chance.
And knowing that he was very likely to turn cold or impossible to deal with after.

I remember those times and just went for it.
And I never, ever, regretted it.

When it comes to sex:
I don’t let perfect become the enemy of good.
And I suggest you do the same.

I WRITE AND THEREFOR, WHAT EXACTLY?
16 May, 2021
post 3/3

One of my first blog posts, written in 2010, was titled “I Write Therefor I Cheat”.

It dealt with the feeling of how writing feels more like cheating, like a clandestine activity, than like neutral work that you can balance and that is quite easily separated from what you do in your free time.

Work can be separated from a relationship, or work can be kept out the door and doesn’t need to be discussed if you are living with someone.

But writing is a passion, something you naturally start doing, effortlessly, and before you know it you have spent copious amounts of time with your keyboard.

Time that has not been weighed upon a scale if it nicely balances out with your values, your goals, and spoken or unspoken agreements you have with your significant other.

You could even wonder how significant that other even is, judged by the matter of course you give writing your undivided time and attention.

Over a decade after that column I keep being confronted with the fact that I have not made any progress in that area.
That I seemed to have had the clearest vision right in those first years, but that I didn’t “perfect” my model.

Every now and then I am reminded by how scarily little I know about the way writing influences my life.
And how the little things that jump in your face and that you can’t possibly deny, point to bigger underlying differences between those who write, and therefor spend hour after hour day after day in their own heads;
And those who don’t.

Those who are not writers engage in:
Meaningful relationships, social activities, hobbies, learning new skills, watching Netflix series or movies, building a business, an empire, creating a home, raising children, raise them well.

And those who write:
Write.

Writing does not just replace the need to cheat, as my piece “I Write Therefor I Cheat” stated;
Writing replaces the need for e-v’ry-thing, that is not writing!

And what it does to your body, your soul, your life, is most easily described by what drugs or addictions do;
You prioritize writing and everyone who wants you to stop with it, moderate it, contain it, more strategically use it so that it becomes more of a tool for success and less like an all consuming monster that takes over your life;

Those are first greeted with understanding.
Of course.
They are right.
Writing requires to be managed better so that you and your loved ones can enjoy its benefits, and no one gets deprived of attention or care they deserve.
And that you believe they should have.
In theory.

Because in practice, just like an addict will throw out anything standing between him and his drug of choice;
Ultimately you always choose writing.

This weekend I tried to appreciate what being single was bringing me. Because I had signs that I was choosing this.
I always fall for taken men, not available men.
And, perhaps more importantly, I also do not dream of being in a relationship.

Sure: When I really like a man, I dream of spending more time with him.
Because I like him!
But I don’t have goals or desires to be in a relationship, or to live together with a man.
Other than that desire that is person-bound.

Everyday I have dreams for my life, from my income level to my art, fame, success.
And I fine tune my daily activities accordingly, so that everything I do is in line with what it is I want.
Yet none of them are focused on getting myself a relationship that has daily communication or is aimed at living together.

When it comes to a particular person I am interested.
But I do not have an “unbound”, autonomous, desire for a relationship.
It’s a bit like a desire to have children; It’s generic, and some of us do not have it.
Yet, like so many weekends I do not feel a happy single and I wondered why.
Why am I not enjoying all the possibilities of being single?
Why am I not dating, having fun?
Why do I both know I have chosen this life, without trying to find someone to spend my life with?
And also know I will never have that world traveler adventurer style glow, that really happy singles have?

And then it hit me;
Because I write.

Writing takes up so much space that not only do you not have time to build a life, a brand, a business, a family, a relationship;
You do not even have time to enjoy the carefree-ness of being without all of those responsibilities.

Writing, art, creativity, purpose, passion, are like an addiction;
All consuming.
All encompassing.
With little room to wiggle.

Ten years after I thought I knew what it meant, to be a writer, I realize more than ever that I will never know.

I can just be.

.

 ~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Season 1:
Defining Moments | It Took Me A Very Long Time To Get Here – The Full Season 1

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The subcription button is on this page, probably on the top right

Almost two weeks ago I started a modest, definitely non -diary series on Twitter and Facebook, using quotes from Sex and the City. 
Two hours ago, my dvd player made a management decision, that enough was enough! 
I was writing hours every day, never slept before 2 A.M., and I ve neglected my time-travel project 1995.

In fact I had gotten so involved in It Took Me A Very Long Time To Get Here – it wasn’t until this morning that I remembered I was supposed to be in 1995!
But before I could plot how to eloquently merge Big & Carrie’s series “It Took Me A Long Time To Get Here” with 1995, Mr DVD stepped in, and cancelled it for me.

So here it is!
13 Episodes long; The entire first season of “It Took Me  A Long Time To Get Here”
Starting modestly, ending wildly, and closing it reviewing, reflecting and enjoying on what happened.
Just like sex, really.

I’d love to see you again some day.

~Lauren 

1. The beginning

2. A Zero and 3 hours of sleep

3. Cold

“Without sharing your worlds
can even the hottest relationship stop cold?”

Carrie, Sex and the City
The Cold War, S6E17

Wednesday June 10

An upbeat, fun day with almost a festive feel to it.
It took me until Carrie’s quote today to realize why.
Because the answer is No.
Nothing can cause the hottest relationship to stop cold.

.

4. Heart

“Big’s heart had closed again.
Maybe it would reopen in another five years,
maybe not.”

Carrie, Sex and the City
The Domino Effect, S6E11

Thursday June 11

Technically I m still in my workday, but I don’t feel like writing after my yoga class at 10 P.M.
So here I am.
I thought I would get clarity on which of the two quotes I should pick for this series.
The one where Big opens his heart, or where it closes?
Until I realized the answer was in the video I found on YouTube, which had glued the two separate scenes together:
The answer was both.

The story of the little glimpse of his heart, Mr.Big gave to Carrie, once every five years;
That is how often Mr.Big allowed me to see his.

And just like Carrie, at the end of the episode The Domino Effect, it was ultimately something I learned to live without.

~Lauren

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5. Distance

“Do we need distance, to get close?”

Carrie, Sex and the City
Hop, Skip and a Week, S6E06

Friday June 12

I ve been thinking a lot lately.
It started a few weeks ago with a friend who was in a new relationship. It was interesting to see how that was working out, and what came up.
And noticing that I could tick off many of the boxes, new couples kind of have to figure out on their own.
Traps almost, everybody falls into.

I realized: “Yes, I do know how I d go about that now.”
I may be single, but I’m far from uneducated or naive. You could even say it’s the reason I am single, instead of struggling to making a relationship work.
When I m in it’s great, and it stays great, even when that other person breaks up with me –
that last bit was the hardest part.

When lover Big broke up with me, we stayed connected and it didn’t feel like a break-up.
We had never talked about the shape/ status of our relationship, it didn’t seem to matter that much that we could not even have an affair anymore.

Our dates had never been defined by whether or not we had sex, it was always a dance between two people.

That he was taking one beloved dance off our menu, which might even result in not having any dancing routine, drifting away and never seeing each other again.
Well…
It still didn’t have the drama of a normal breakup.

Maybe our time together had been too cherished by both of us, to ever been taken for granted.

Either way, seeing this new relationship from this friend developing, brought out a new image of why I liked Mr.Big so much.

There’s two sides, the negative and the positive.

From a negative perspective, I knew he (we) had really good emotional hygiene. This did not mean that we would not be there for each other in times of need, although neither one of us ever used our affair for support.
But emotional hygiene meant that there was a sort of hyper-awareness, that it doesn’t benefit the relationship to bring your emotions into it.
That it comes at an enormous cost.
One neither of us was obviously ever willing to pay.

But this time I also got an positive imagery of what it is we did, and – to my own surprise – still do.
An image that explained to me why the relationship had not felt over in December.
Far, far from it.
Although of course the fact that we would hardly see each other anymore and not have sex, did make me sad.

I call this The Theory of The Two Candy Jars.

Normal couples come together and they get into this “Are we a couple?” phase.
Often, this translates to:
“Are we going to have one jar of candy?”

One jar of candy means that instead of the individual responsibility to keep your own jar filled, it is now the couple’s responsibility.

Suddenly it is no longer clear where the candy is going, if you’re allowed to share the candy with others, and if the candy jar is empty it is unclear whose responsibility it was to fill it.

When they say a relationship is work, what they mean is:
Work to figure out how to go about the candy jar.

Whereas all that could be prevented, if becoming a couple never meant the merging of the jars, in the first place.

If each individual kept their own jar, the entire relationship would work like magic.

Mr.Big and me had a perfect Two Jar Relationship.
He filled his by doing the things that were important to him.
And I filled mine with alone time in which I thought, I wrote, I created.

Every time we saw each other we were excited to share our jars, and see what the other had collected and have a little bite.

I could actually be happy for him, that he had such a rich life. So many things that made him happy. And that he shared it with me.

And I think for him my jar was an interesting novelty. He didn’t know that many people who were so introspective, and who created their own candy.

The distance between us provided both him and me, with an opportunity to keep our jars filled.
And this explains why I didn’t feel sad that much – in December:
Although the circumstances had been less than ideal, basically all he had asked me was more distance.

Even if we don’t come back together again, I must have understood – at a deeper level – that he did what he had to do, to make sure his jar would stay filled.
And to no longer share himself, when he was running low on candy.

He had ended our affair but he was still taking care of himself, he was looking after his jar.

And with that he had done his part, in taking care of us.

~Lauren

.

6. Past Present

“Can you get a perfect future,
if your past is present?”

Carrie, Sex and the City
The Perfect Present, S6E03

Saturday June 13

I think I ve found the litmus test to determine if it’s real love;
Or if you’re wishing your way into a relationship.
It doesn’t matter if you’re wishing your way into a sexual relationship or a more traditional relationship, where you hope to move in together.

Ask yourself:
“If he broke up with me, would I still want to have sex with him after?”

If the answer is no, it’s all in your head.

Sex has a bad reputation.
If the air is electric between you, and you have sparks moving up until the ceiling, it’s downplayed to “just lust”.
Am I right, or am I right?

Whereas even if you’re the most flammable of men or women, would you not agree that even you can immediately feel the difference between a 6 and a 10?
I m ranking your feelings of desire, not the object of your affection.

The great thing about sexual desire is that it cannot be faked.
The appearance of desire can be faked; Yes!
But the feeling of it, cannot.

Your sexual desire for someone is the litmus test for how true your love is.
And in the hands of the inexperienced, it can be destroyed (although only if you let it be).
But if you learn to cherish it, it can be eternal.

The “Big” difference between how I handle my love life now, although technically it’s non-existent sexually, right? – but the difference between now and in the past,
is that I have decided to do cherish it.
Whatever I do, it must respect and nourish the tension that is there.

One of the things Mr.Big used to “reason” his way out of breaking up with me, was that if I would find a man for myself, someone who did not have a significant other already, that I would stop seeing him anyway.
But I denied that, and explained why.

Any new man in my life, or bed is the more appropriate term right now I believe, any man in my bed must encourage me to have the experiences and live the life, that I find meaningful and joyful.
I said to Big:
“I would not break things off with you for a new man.
I would only have someone in my life who would want me to have beautiful experiences.
You would have been one of them.”

I think seeing relationships as ending when other desires or circumstances direct your life (or his/her life) in another direction, is a deep and tragic waste.
The relationships did not end.
They just shape-shifted.

But all the good bits should be curated. You should save them.
They’re too precious to throw them out, just because the form or exclusivity of the relationship, turned out to be different from what you hoped it would be.

You can’t have the perfect future, if you don’t keep the good bits of the past.

~Lauren

7.To love or not to love

“You were unavailable and very clear about that.
Now please kiss me.
Or at least, lie on top of me.”

Carrie, Sex and the City
The Big Journey, S5E07

Sunday June 14

Sometimes I feel the more the C. regulations are loosened, the more the walls are closing in.
When no one could go out, no one could go out.
Although The Netherlands never had a full lock down situation.
There has always been room to move.

But how we apply the rules is changing.
So it’s not so much that certain rules, with regard to how two people are supposed to interact, have changed;
It’s more that in the slipstream of certain businesses and so on, opening up again, we start interpreting the rules for citizens differently as well.

And there is the added pitfall, which is a personal one, that I interpret sex as being impossible, because of social distancing, where I have discovered that EVERY SINGLE I KNOW, and the people in LAT relationships,
ALL automatically view sex as having a Status Aparte.

No one saw having sex with a lover, or starting a new relationship, as being subjected to C regulations.
It was just the dating/ meeting new people in real life, that was considered to be subjected to C rules.
But probably more because cafes and bars were closed so you had nowhere to meet.

I already saw that the views of the majority of people, although they appeared to have been made unconsciously, were right.
Because you should not let social distancing determine your love life.
And I knew that the right thing to do, should I get the opportunity to reboot my love life, was to go for it.

However, very, very much to my own surprise- and I can’t stress this enough I really had not seen this coming- on an emotional level, this turned out to be a lot harder.

I ve been going over this for weeks now.
And it’s almost like the more rules and regulations are lifted, the more it freaks me out.

YES!
On one hand I want nothing more than to have a lover again.
But with my taste in men, in all likeliness he will be “taken” and it will be a secret affair.
In theory it could be someone who is single, or who ends his relationship to not burden our affair with secrecy –
But in practice, it’s way more likely that either he’ll stick with his partner, OR that he’ll “come running to me”.
There is nothing as fragile as a man who has just broken up his relationship, especially if it has been a long one and (in his view) I am the reason it shipwrecked.

But from the two, the secret affair still appeals to me.
Again; In theory.

Oh, I just noticed a new option;
He breaks up the relationship and finishes strong.
Or I start dating a seasoned bachelor.
So I date an independent man.

This scenario has two scripts:

One is I become one of his dates, one of his lovers.
Which is cool, but you know what?
Maybe even that scares me.
I m going to get back to that – but first;

I did not know what was bothering me, and keeping me from committing to my sex life, even though I thought I had given myself all the permission I needed.
But I am not okay anymore/again being a secret mistress.

The C crisis is already causing havoc in my social relationships.
My social phobias, being anxious in the hours or days after seeing someone and having meltdowns, are back.
When you see so few people and socializing is so rare, you (I) feel so much pressure every time.
Like I have to “perform”.
Even on the phone or Zoom.

Under these circumstances I really cannot risk triggering anyone.

We’ve become like this rural village where everybody knows everybody, and the urban culture of individualism has been replaced with the social norms that serve the community.

I’m not saying I will never be a mistress again,
I m just saying now is not the time.
That is what has been holding me back, unconsciously.
Which is the first epiphany I got from typing this.

But the second epiphany – and this is something I have been thinking about for a long time, but I never saw it so clearly! – the second epiphany is that I AM ready for the next level.
I DO know what I want!

No, not the man who “chooses for me” and I then have to repair the damage of his previous relationship or his time as a single, before we can have some air between us.

No, not the man who stays in the relationship and offers me a position as a secret mistress.
It’s not a moral thing, but C. has changed our culture, and has made the costs of being a mistress too high.

I ll have a “This could work!” Yes for the man who stays single, and keeps me on as a mistress, but one who is less secret because he has no partners he’s cheating on.
This is the point, I promised to get back to;
Why I find even dating a bachelor not ideal.
My biggest regret with this, him being single, is that I would always be weary he would choose for a traditional relationship with another woman.
To lose him because he doesn’t value being lovers, or because he doesn’t value it enough to fight for it.
There are a lot of women out there who want traditional monogamous relationships, and they’re very good at selling it.
Unless as a man, you have clear non-monogamous relationship goals, you’re going to be hit on as a potential spouse all the time.
And like I said: They re selling it, it will be appealing.

But the biggest Hell Yess, No Brainer! of a relationship, and the one I can see clearly now that I m picking apart the impact of this C crisis on my love life, is not to date a single but to have a man who will choose for me.
But in a completely free way.

I wrote yesterday about the candy jars:
We ll each keep our own jar of candy.
We ll each do the things that make us happy, so that we have a lot of love to share.

I want a man who will support me in whatever it is I want to do, as I will support him.
I want a relationship so fresh, so new, so all encompassing and at same the time so airy, ethereal and volatile that no one can pinpoint it.

I want a love that shape-shifts according to our needs, according to who we are; And that interacts with its surroundings in a natural way.

No wonder I did not say: “Lay on top of me.”
No wonder I did not say: “Kiss me.”

Until I knew what I wanted, it was impossible to say yes to anything.

~Lauren

8. A New Season

“It was official; A new season had begun.”

Carrie, Sex and the City
I heart NY, S4E18

Monday June 15

It was as if I was reborn, and a new life awaited me.

For the outside world this has demonstrated in me dying my hair back to blonde, and I know my switch in careers.
Actually, I even considered sharing my process and thoughts with regard to that.

Because if after 20 years, you switch gears from being a yoga teacher and a writer, all slash marketeer/ sales enthusiast, and then radically switch to something you have to learn from scratch, should that occasion not somehow be marked?

Especially since it cost me three weeks of feeling downright awful. The first week because I was still in the process of finding out I do not, not ever, want to work in marketing in sales.
Nor ever again have clients, or client relationships.
Delivering a service or being paid for soft skills, was taken off the menu, in violent fashion.
Along with task or skill-based jobs where you constantly have to prove your worth over the intern.
Let them have it.
I m out.

It took me 5 days.

On day 6 somebody offered me a way out, that I immediately recognized as the right one.
Yet, instead of great happiness two weeks of mourning followed.
Mourning that my days spent behind my desk writing, were over.
That they would have been over regardless of the type of job or line of work I would have chosen, didn’t matter.
The mourning didn’t come until I saw this new line of work, and knew:
This is it.
This is what can sustain me through any crisis, through any recession; I will be able to do it until the end of my days.
It’s brainy, it’s abstract, and I m entirely neutral towards it.
I don’t have to love it.
All I need to do is not hate it.
And I don’t.

Yet, I wasn’t prepared for the two weeks of mourning, feeling like I was bringing my creativity to the grave.

But this morning I woke up knowing it was over.
I dyed my hair, looked at the world with a fresh pair of eyes, and knew I was going to rock my new life.
Even I, at that moment, thought it was “work” I felt.
The pieces of the puzzle coming together.

Until I sat down just now, and had to decide what this post should be about, and realized:
BS.
Me feeling good, doesn’t have anything to do with work, or how I m going to make my money. Those are things that have never inspired me.
This is about love.

This is about me solving the riddle yesterday’s diary post, on if I want to be a secret mistress again.
It would make sense that I would say yes to it.
I mean- I KNOW I am a mistress.
To be a lover with whom he feels great about himself and who has great faith in him.
To be in a relationship that finds meaning in the good times – not in over-talking or dealing with the bad ones.
A relationship that is based on a mutual understanding that “You can’t get there from there”;
You can’t get high, by plowing through the dirt, and wondering why you’re not getting anywhere.

A relationship that is based on curating your emotions, your experiences, until only the most beautiful ones remain.

Until I had a better word for it, I chose to call that a mistress.

But yesterday, was different.

First off I noticed that C crisis had changed something: My social phobias are back, and human interaction has become straining.
I ve always feared public scrutiny, but in C. times it’s social suicide.

But secondly, I realized that being a mistress, or calling it a mistress, was a working title all along.
I knew it was incomplete.
And I created an image in my head of a relationship that was free, and built around love and support for each other.
Support, not to overcome the rolling in the dirt level but to explore the world, and create ones own happiness.

On second thought: Good times versus rolling in the dirt, is the wrong analogy.
What I mean is:
The relationship itself, should only bring forth the good. The relationship itself should not be the issue, or the cause of stress.
But a place bringing out the best in every moment still. Every moment is welcomed exactly the way it is.

A relationship where two people get energy from living in their own world, but then come together to share it, and create even more beautiful and unique experiences by merging them.

It doesn’t have a name yet, this new thing.

But judging from how absolutely brilliant I feel today, it has been created in my mind already.
Far stronger than recognizing my new line of work, 2,5 weeks ago – I recognized this love, this relationship style, as mine.

This is who I am.

It was never knowing my new line of work, that changed me or healed me.
It was knowing that love will come.

~Lauren

12. sacrifice 

“How much of ourselves should we be willing to sacrifice
for the other person?”

Carrie, Sex and the City
Sex and the Country, S4E09

Friday June 19

Today the true extend to which I had overextended myself socially, not just yesterday but the past weeks really – hit me hard.
It really was “that” bad.
Because I had not exactly lived outrageously. My social life could be a healthy example of a minimal daily requirement of social and family activities, one might want to set for themselves.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
And yet?
Holy Mary mother of God, save me from my anxiety.
Or at least compensate for hours lost, staring at my dvd box set series.
I m watching Sex and the City – an episode a day, only the ones with Mr.Big.
And I choose a quote from that.
And I m also watching the Sopranos.

My cats like it when I sit on the couch and they can easily come onto my lap, should the mood strike. At days I m “efficient”, writing my ass off sitting behind my computer all day, there is definitely less feline bonding going on.
So you could say my cats like the Sopranos too.
It makes me sit still in a place where they have easy access to me.

But it is in those minutes becoming hours, where I process everything that happens.
Unfinished conversations. Problems I still have to deal with, or might have to deal with. Or problems I have dealt with, but “it”, the situation, still feels off regardless.
Should I fix it again, or fix it more?

And I hit Play on another episode to give myself extra time to think. And next to Tony Soprano’s problems mine don’t look so bad.

So I wish I had behaved outrageously!
At least then I could cut the habit of spreading myself thin, and contain my energy more.
But this is a principle.
This is the choice between:
A. Do I keep up a minimum daily requirement of being engaged with this world?
Or B.
Do I limit in person interaction to my inner circle and stay within my comfort zone, both socially and medically?

In my mind, I extend every social interaction two weeks into the future, wondering if this person or activity was worth getting busted by health services and being passively aggressively forced into preventative quarantine.

The answer to that is almost always No aside from, like I said, my immediate inner circle of family and close friends.
With all other people and relationships it feels totally off to run the risk of having future conversations that used to be reserved for people you had wild and unprotected jungle sex with.

This choice how much your social life is worth to you, is not just relevant for acquaintances but also for visiting movie theaters, hairdresser, cafes; all institutions that now have your address before you are seated, and that can contact you up to two weeks after you had beer und schnapps, or whatever it was how you spent your time together.

I was never fond of group activities, but with Covid it becomes both a medical as well as a social minefield.
The dynamics of who interprets the regulations which way, comes on top of an already complex interpersonal language I have to do my very best for to understand.

So today I got my act together, and manned up as best as I could, and decided that I was not going to lock myself up in my social comfort zone until the end of the C crisis.
I was going to interact.
And I made an important decision: I was only going to do the things that were (medically) nessecary or that are (volunteer) work related.
I don’t want to do things that are supposed to be fun – unless they are fun. Unless it is my inner circle.
And all other interaction is me ensuring I take my Minimum Daily Social Requirement on a therapeutic basis, and don’t turn into a total hermit.

The comparison that you now have to judge your contacts at the level of
“Would I have wild unprotected jungle sex with you?”
was not just an exaggeration for story telling’s sake.
Because it does imply when I AM ready to lift restrictions.
When the answer to that question is:
“Yes I would.”
“Maybe.”
“That depends.”
or when you’re so engaged in the play between man and woman, that you forget to even ask the question.
And a man kisses you before you know it.

“Or was that not allowed?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I frowned. “You’re the married one.”

“I meant Covid wise.”

And you realize that when you are with him, it simply doesn’t exist.

When I started writing in 2006, I was a newborn single. The quote that started both my writing career as well as my quest for love and sexually deep relationships, was from Anais Nin:

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

~Lauren

The End

“Definining Moments ” was the final chapter I wrote before my DVD player broke down.
In 2021 I wrote a small season 2:
I couldn’t help but wonder | It Took Me A Very Long Time To Get Here – season 2

My diaries en erotica are available at my BOOK SHOP

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 202

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.

coming soon: new books

1. Reboot – a hero’s journey. Diary 2017-2020
2. I M NOT CHANGING MY FUCKING SHOW
3. Big Mistress – confessions, columns and sex advice from the other woman
4. Blote Kont- (Dutch)
5. ALL THE THINGS – unpublished work 2010 – 2020

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready is to follow this blog. The subscription button to this blog is on this page, probably on the right.
.
Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/