I was never here to hunt | Harteveld 2025*

There is a Dutch joke from my childhood, about a hunter who tries to shoot a bear, but misses, and then gets f* in the ass by the bear, as a punishment.
The third time this happens, the bear says:
“You’re not here to hunt.”

And indeed, I am not here to hunt.

2025 has been marked by a tremendous flight in my career. And it has gone from something that just pays for my creative time to something that has purpose and motivates me intrinsically.
I like the work itself, and I also like the bigger vision, the bigger calling behind it.

And yet I have become painfully aware that I am nothing more than the hunter whose thrill is clearly in what happens when he misses the shot.
And not in succeeding at his work.

When I was a teenager I automatically assumed none of us were here to hunt, so to speak.
I mean teens and sexuality; They are almost synonymous. And I couldn’t wait until the sex would begin.

Yet because I found it pretty hard to make those kind of arrangements (fall in love, get some kind of courtship going, and approval of parents so we could use our bedrooms and were not limited to the outdoors) I understood why the majority of our time would be spent on school and not on sex.

It was dependent on too many factors, and as soon as you had everything in place, something would come up, break it all down, and you had to start all over again.

Yet I assumed that IN THEORY, we were all on the same page.
That it was every teen’s number one priority, just that we had different levels of success.

Despite me having a particular hurdle to overcome in getting my sex life up and running, I managed reasonably well. It was not ideal, but considering what I had to work with, or work around, I did a pretty good job.
Although I acknowledged a Me-Rocking-IT-As-A-Single would not be in the cards for me.

It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that my view of my peers changed.
All of them, without exception, and including the ones who had absolutely crushed it as singles;
They all settled down.

Bye bye exciting sex life.

And that’s when I realized:
I have been the only one, who was never here to hunt.

It’s three decades later and I’m so committed to success, I catch myself taking it seriously.

.
.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Harteveld 2025*
Are 2200 characters, or less.
The name is inspired by the book Fretz 2025 by Johan Fretz and asterisk by the 2025 movie Thunderbolts*

Subscribe to this blog for my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2025* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1990 project.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

The Immaculate | year 1990 behind the scenes

Babysteps, according to some, are an inefficient and even dangerous way to move around.

That it’s better to leap and go all in, instead of taking baby steps..

I was reminded of that when this morning I could suddenly no longer walk, as if I had stepped in a piece of glass.
The kind of sting as if you’ve stepped into glas, but the splinter has already disappeared into your foot and the only way you can tell something is wrong is because you feel it when you walk.

I had no idea how it got there, and after taking a shower it was gone, although for good measure I still took the soda footbath.
But it was gone.

However, when I was still hopping around the house, surprised at how debilitating it was, and wondering when I would go see a doctor (as soon as possible or after a week or so?) I did wonder what it symbolized.
What does it symbolize when you wake up unable to walk because you stand on one foot?
And I knew.

I had one foot in my 1990 timeline, and the other still here.
One foot in, and one foot out, for this entire calendar year.

Sure, I write these behind-the-scenes posts so that’s something. And I’ve minimized my online time, although especially in times of stress and a lot of communication going on, I relapse back into checking my mail the whole time.
The habit of being offline (read; my 1990 timeline default) appears to be ingrained, until things get chaotic and I don’t have the correction mechanisms in place. I can derail easily.

I started multiple diaries written from the 1990 perspective, to be written in before bed. But here the same thing goes;
They work when I have calm days that meander around a familiar routine but cease to work when I spent the whole day in the chaos of 2025, and still feel the pressure of that when I go to bed. 

I split off my collection of books printed before 1991, and I have a separate cd cabinet for music released before 1991. Yet I read Miranda July’s 2024 midlife novel All Fours and listen to Madonna’s 1990 Immaculate Collection on YouTube because the headphone connection of my cd player works far from immaculate.
The sound keeps coming through one speaker, although t
he headphone works perfectly on the computer, so it’s definitely the cd player.
And I have a dvd player installed but use YouTube entertainment more often because it is portable and I can use it to clean or do my XL bathroom routine.

In short, I have 1990’s analogue world in place, but rarely reside there.

Despite the inconvenience of suddenly not being able to walk, I did realize: “This is a real 1990 experience!”
My assessment, my decision whether to see a doctor, the not-knowing;
If I had really lived in 1990, it would have been exactly the same!

The foot injury propelled me back to where my curated 1990 collections and failing equipment had been unable to take me.
Back in time.

And I used this time in my 1990 void, to wonder why my life in 2025 was so entirely different. Why there seemed to be more at play than simply the faster communication (emails that could come in any moment etc.) and it suddenly came to mind!
I wasn’t yet tapped into collective consciousness, with its learned behavior of responding to expectations no one takes responsibility for.
Through a series of fortunate events I had not been socialized.

Even if email had existed in 1990, I probably would not have felt any pressure to respond immediately. To 1990-me, email and the whole online world, would have been like study books or a magazine that you could close at any time.
And depending on who the email was from or what website it was, it would feel more like a study book you could not wait to put down, or like a magazine that you couldn’t wait to get back to.
But regardless, quitting and limiting your time spent on it, would come entirely natural.

Contrary to many peers, I had no thoughts in my head telling me I had to be nice or always available. My value was not tied to being of use, being social nor being pleasant.
And I realized that was the mindset I was looking for, when committing to this project month after month, without making much headway at all.

I was looking for that state of mental pureness.
The immaculate mind, not in the meaning of being superior but as in the immaculate conception of Maria.
Which was clearly Madonna’s reference as well, since her work has been rich in  Catholic symbolism since the beginning.

My longing for 1990 is a desire to go back to a virgin state.
To be untouched.

 ~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

The story behind this time travel project has been added below..

Subscribe to this blog for my letters to Sara;
The series Harteveld 2025*
And these Behind the Scenes of my 1990 timeline.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

About: the 1990 project

For an indefinite time, I will be moving to the, I assume fictional, timeline of (re-)living 35 years ago.
Making the current year 1990.
This project has a predecessor, where I wrote as if I was in 1994 – 2000;
But this was mostly a literary (diary) undertaking.

I’m cutting back deeper into time, and do not intend to keep a diary. It is the living in the past itself, that is the art.

In September 2025 I came up with these goals, covering the first 8 years.

My 8 year goals are:
📵 to live a 20th Century life
🎸 to be a 20th century-inspired Rock journalist.
But on the current timeline.
So this means I make money creating content and speaking about rock music and 20th century things 

📚 publish Lauren Harteveld work 2010-2025
📢 to make the Lauren Harteveld legacy visible

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Categories BTS

The Men of this Year | Harteveld 2025*

Let’s start with what didn’t get done in 2025.
Me 😉
I did not get done, in the sense that I had a celibate year.

And I’m on a streak, I wouldn’t call it a winning streak, but it is what it is.

What also did not get done;
Getting “over” The Breakup.
Which by now is years ago (questionable, I know, don’t ask)

So this post is definitely not a See-Me-Thrive one!

However, 2025 was such a great year for my heart.
So many men in my heart and mind.
I can’t help feeling grateful for this year, and that I’m back on track.

Even if that track does not seem to lead to being “over” anything, nor to starting all over again and also does not fit into the box of decentering romance and men in my life.
Or it does (I am), but as this post shows, there is still more than enough feelings of intrigue, lust and desire to go around.

Who were they?

I met one man only once, and he did not follow up on an invitation I later sent.
And yet, and yet….. if there was a betting agency I would place mine on that this story is far from over.
We’re bound to run into each other again, for one.
But also, when you know you know.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
If there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

Carl Jung

There was chemistry.

Then the second one.
He belonged to 2024, technically speaking, and we never met in real life. Which, to me at least, makes it all the more special because our minds had chemistry.

We did have some conversations this year, but he did not let it come to 2024’s chemistry levels.
Which is fine.
Because I remember it anyway. And it kept at least my heart burning this year!

And then the third, who came out of the blue. He was definitely the Man of the Year, and I would put even more money on us coming back together in some shape or form, in 2026.

It was mind-blowing, yet totally cool.
Nothing happened that could have been picked up by other people, aside from all the women already in love with him, because they would have intuitively sensed it.

But it was silent, it was consistent, and it was all subtext.

It had destiny written all over.

.
.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Harteveld 2025*
Are 2200 characters, or less.
The name is inspired by the book Fretz 2025 by Johan Fretz and asterisk by the 2025 movie Thunderbolts*

Subscribe to this blog for my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2025* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1990 project.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

The Holy 6PM Portal | longread | year 1990 behind the scenes

About two weeks ago I wrote a post to my coach Sara, which was so important I made its insights actionable in all areas of my life and addressed multiple notebooks to it!
A sign I really mean it.
.
The post was called Becoming Lauren and it was about how the softer, the feminine, the writer-side of me was slipping away, now that my work-life was going well.
“I feel she’s slipping away”
This side has been with me since 2007-ish, when I deliberately started the path of being single.
And yet, if I didn’t intervene I still risked losing her forever.
.
But despite this realization, or the appointed stationary, nothing came of it.
It even got worse when next to my workhours being mapped out, I now took on the unholy task of creating productive evenings.
I cramped in all the stuff I could not fit in during the day, in back-to-back 30 minute time-brackets.
.
The evening contained multiple things but the most “blasphemous” of them (because they were just work-hours basically) were studying 20th century rock, since becoming the 20th century Rock Journalist is one of my goals (you can find my goals at the bottom of this post);
As well as a bracket to publish my diary A Letter From A Stranger, including book 2 Dear Nikki.
.
The other evening-items were fitting to the soft-feminine Lauren side of me, and it also included being creative but without being tied to a specific goal, nor is it for publishing or posting.
But because of those two productive elements (studying rock and publishing my books) as well as because of the cramped LOUD nature of this four hour productivity show;
As a whole it was just a heavy productivity core with a self-care layer of veneer.
.
It was nothing Lauren would want to attend.
.
So when I finally had my call with Sara, for whom I had written this letter Becoming Lauren, I knew very well things had only gotten worse, not better.
And that if I wanted to save Lauren, the productivity fest that was supposed to be my evening had to go.
.
And they did;
The two activities, studying rock and publishing my books, will be dedicated  to eight weeks throughout the year where I don’t make content.
They’re now holiday-only activities, and I have stopped trying to give them a place in daily life, regardless of how important they are for my career or endgame.
.
But before I did I gave them one final review:
Why was it, that these activities consistently fell outside my activities?
.
And I came up with a logic or insight, that really helped me, and it may help you too.
It’s a bit controversial, so be prepared:
Long-term goals, end-games or visions, no longer pay off. (and perhaps they never did)
.
In 1991 Douglas Coupland published his book
Generation X, Tales for and Accelerated Culture
And by all standards, the culture has only accelerated more since then.
.
It is my conviction that by now, and I’m writing this November 2025, life has become so accelerated that from a professional stance, our work should be strictly limited to the value we can create within a day, a week or two weeks at most.
We should never take on anything that does not deliver value, outcome or money within an extremely short period of time. 
.
And it’s not just the time-frame that determines whether something is worth undertaking.
It’s also the question: “Can it be produced within the (standardized) system I am currently using?”
.
So for example, I am a good and experienced student.
Therefor I know how to tackle a new area of interest, categorize it, create a framework for it, and take in that information in a predictable way that can also be optimized.
In other words: I know how to study this 20th century area of interest I want to use to become a Rock Journalist.
And I’ve been a writer for almost two decades, and have been writing about Rock since 2019, so it is safe to say I have all the skills and systems in order to learn this craft.
.
So the question: “Can it be produced within the (standardized) system I am currently using?”
Can be answered with: yes.
.
However, from the point of accelerated culture, the whole Rock Journalist endeavor still needs to be banned to the margins of my year, and can never have a place within the workweek.
Because this is not something that is going to produce money (the narrow definition of value) within two weeks.
.
There is definitely still the option of it (my Rock Journalist studies) creating a broader definition of value, which would be the next option.
This would be a blogpost or a video, so that I already start sharing what I learn.
But I don’t currently see that option, within my current content planner.
.
My content is mapped out, based on the value they create. And it already includes some rock music related content as well.
But I will definitely expand my rock content, if I see an opening.
.
My take is that 2025’s accelerated culture, which already started in the 1991 book, means that as professionals we should only invest in things that will create value NOW
It makes no sense to invest anything in things that may or may not pay off in a future we have no way of predicting.
Our time window, again “as professionals”, has become limited to what we can make work TODAY.
Today, this week, or this fortnight.
.
The reason publishing my books as well as studying Rock has always, and will always be impossible to fit into my schedule is because it’s not something that is professionally relevant.
And not just because it’s art (publishing books) or a weird topic (20th century rock music).
The same thing would be true if I wanted to open a bread bakery or a yoga studio;
It will never pay off, because these business models no longer pay off.
Not unless I find a way to make them work in this accelerated culture, where they make money from day 1.
.
“Are there no exceptions then?” I hear you speak.
Probably, but this piece is written in an early stage of developing this theory and right now the only exception I see is with regulated and gate-kept professions.
.
F.e. it can pay off to become a dentist, a doctor, an investment banker or real estate broker, because as long as the systems of regulation of these professions are in place, you will always have work.
You could say the regulation prevents the accelerated culture from entering these “markets”. They’re not really markets, they’re simply gate-kept systems you can work your way into.
And it’s a good option, because it’s one of the few ways to keep the accelerated culture off your tail.
.
But other than that, No. I don’t see ways to avoid having to deal with the reality that our professional lives revolve entirely around what value we are able to create in an incredibly short about of time.
And this means that activities like the ones I was struggling with, publishing books and studying an area of interest in order to write about it in the future;
Or the aforementioned pastry bakery or yoga studio you may aspire to have;
They’re just hobbies, until you find a way to accelerate the process and start delivering value immediately.
.
The tale of the accelerated culture is that a professional life means To Be A Successful Capitalist, and this has always been the case but with the “accelerated culture” it means the windows within which you have deliver have become tiny and the pace ruthless.
.
No wonder Lauren was nowhere to be found;
Of course she refuses to show up for this.
.
So although I knew, when the call with Sara started, that I had not kept my promise from the Becoming Lauren blog, and that the evenings with the back-to-back productivity blocks had to go;
It really paid off to understand WHY they had been so bad, but also WHY it is so tempting to do it that way.
.
They were so bad because Lauren, feminine-me who basically would prefer to just stay in bed and eat grapes all day and have lovers;
Obviously she really needs my evenings to be laid back, unplanned, and cozy.
.
But the reason it is tempting for all of us, to have these secret dreams of one day being a rock journalist, or a published author, well that is because we suffer from that pace of having to be ON every day.
And performing every day.
.
We equate our own chosen vocation with being free from the pressures of having to perform in such a shallow way, where nothing we create has cost us more than the blink of an eye.
It’s eating away our soul, we long for depth.
..
But the truth is in our chosen vocations, even if we “make it”, will have the same ruthless pace. The same demands of capitalism would still be barking at us.
If we think we can escape the pressures of our accelerated culture by changing jobs or chasing our dreams, we’re wrong.
At best, we get to perform the same pressure-driven but also (admittedly) addictive fast-paced production, in the area of expertise we fancy, and we are now our own boss and in control of the entire process ourselves.
But it won’t get any easier or laid back.
.
So what I propose, and what I will definitely be doing for my inner-Lauren before she disappears on me, what I propose is that we acknowledge that our days have become insanely productive.
But also shallow and demanding.
And that we need a rest.
.
That at six o’clock we pull the plug on everything.
And we go to bed and eat grapes.
.
~Lauren

An unexamined life is not worth living

The story behind this time travel project has been added below..

Subscribe to this blog for my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2025* and the Behind the Scenes of my 1990 timeline.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

About: the 1990 project

For an indefinite time, I will be moving to the, I assume fictional, timeline of (re-)living 35 years ago.
Making the current year 1990.
This project has a predecessor, where I wrote as if I was in 1994 – 2000;
But this was mostly a literary (diary) undertaking.

I’m cutting back deeper into time, and do not intend to keep a diary. It is the living in the past itself, that is the art.

In September 2025 I came up with these goals, covering the first 8 years.

My 8 year goals are:
📵 to live a 20th Century life
🎸 to be a 20th century-inspired Rock journalist.
But on the current timeline.
So this means I make money creating content and speaking about rock music and 20th century things 

📚 publish Lauren Harteveld work 2010-2025
📢 to make the Lauren Harteveld legacy visible

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Categories BTS

“She” built my life for me | Harteveld 2025*

Why do I throw away memories of something that is so precious to me..

If he decides to stop seeing me, I want to hang on to them, have them in a little box and caress them with my fingertips when he gets married, has his first child, moves to the other side of the country or possibly even migrates, given his work.

I need to build a memory of him, if I can’t build a life.

from the unpublished manuscript of A Letter From A Stranger, including book 2, Dear Nikki

.

Over the years, I’ve made multiple attempts to bring these diary entries to print.
Yet, every time I start I can’t understand I dropped it, because the manuscript has been practically ready, the whole time.

I could tell you why technically the approach I had early 2024 and early 2025 turned out to be the wrong one;
Or how I will fix that this time.

But it would be beside the point and also, there is no guarantee my new approach will work.

However, so far I indeed conclude there is absolutely nothing wrong with the manuscript, and that it’s as good as done. As it has been for years.

However, maybe because I started editing from the end working my way backwards (to avoid getting too distracted by the story or chronology, and focus on text alone) I see different things.
And feel a gratitude I did not have before.

The project documents the affair I had, but set in a fictional 90s past.
I call it my first timeline project, and am currently undertaking a new one, living in 1990;
But this post is not about that.
This is about me 2025.
Definitely finding my feet, and having a clearer understanding of how the rest of my life will look, and what place romance will have in it, after it having been the center since 2007.

The affair from the faux 90s diaries has ended, and by now I’m pushing three years of celibacy.
That, is a long time.
In fact, it is so long that it has become its own artefact. My celibacy has unmistakably accumulated value, but I kept longing for what I had.

Until I read that paragraph at the top, and realized it was all perfect as it was. And the manuscript itself is that box of memories I can treasure.

90s Me gave me the treasure box of memories;
So I could always move on.


.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living
Harteveld 2025*
Are 2200 characters, or less.
The name is inspired by the book Fretz 2025 by Johan Fretz and asterisk by the 2025 movie Thunderbolts*

Subscribe to this blog for my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2025* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1990 project.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Where 1990, the Matrix and 2025 meet | year 1990 behind the scenes

“Offline. I need to be offline. I HAVE TO, be offline.”
It’s been a while now that I’ve had this obsession with being offline.
My mind must be operating on some unconscious motivation, because my rational mind cannot explain my tenacity here.
This type of discipline is foreign to me. I’ve been patient and relentless when it comes to creating a life offline, which is the core of this Living-In-The-Past series. In 1990. Despite not having any significant results, my motivation grows. The conviction that this is going to be amazing if only-; Then-;
Without knowing, if only what?
And then what?

But I’ll take it because it’s just far too interesting a riddle, to give up.

But, I did find another clue!

In my quest to live offline, I’ve drawn greatly on the movie The Matrix.
The living in a simulation from the movie lines up exactly with us living in our mobile phones.
And the harsh reality, once Neo is awakened from his pod, equalizes how our lives would look, if we’d manage to quit the habit of being online.

Just like in the movie, we too have to choose between a life of comfort and illusion online, or a real life in stark contrast to that.

Reality will never meet artificiality.
Not unless you start including its realness and complexity, as value.

But now, I have found an extra layer to this. One that might explain my relentless poking around in this concept of living offline/ living in the past.

What if what I am really escaping from, and what Neo escaped from, is the collective bee hive mind?
Our shared code?
The social construct with all of its unwritten rules, that has been keeping us unconscious and enslaved, but also in check, for thousands of years?

What if numbing ourselves scrolling, binge watching, and letting ourselves be brainlessly consumed by the online world, is nothing new?
But our collective cage, finally visible to the naked eye.

What if the pull of the online world, and its deception, its ability to take over our lives, is actually a blessing in disguise?

This could be the first time in history, we can escape a Matrix that was there all along.

.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

The story behind this time travel project has been added below..

Subscribe to this blog for my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2025* and the Behind the Scenes of my 1990 timeline.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

About: the 1990 project

For an indefinite time, I will be moving to the, I assume fictional, timeline of (re-)living 35 years ago.
Making the current year 1990.
This project has a predecessor, where I wrote as if I was in 1994 – 2000;
But this was mostly a literary (diary) undertaking.

I’m cutting back deeper into time, and do not intend to keep a diary. It is the living in the past itself, that is the art.

In September 2025 I came up with these goals, covering the first 8 years.

My 8 year goals are:
📵 to live a 20th Century life
🎸 to be a 20th century-inspired Rock journalist.
But on the current timeline.
So this means I make money creating content and speaking about rock music and 20th century things 

📚 publish Lauren Harteveld work 2010-2025
📢 to make the Lauren Harteveld legacy visible

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Categories BTS

Becoming Lauren

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.
Dear Sara,
.

The good news is that my work under my real name, is taking shape.
And I love it so much.
The past couple of months I have streamlined my content planning, my wardrobe, my personas, and life has been throwing me boons instead of curveballs.
The right people are crossing my path, I’ve been incredibly lucky.

And yet….
Yet something is seriously off.
And because everything professional is better than it has ever been, I know the problem is not there. It is within. 
I’m losing my real myself, Lauren the writer.

It has been a blessing that, because I have been a writer under this alter ego for such a long time, I found who I truly was many years ago.
It made my “real life” easier. Because underneath I knew who I was, even though most people didn’t see me that way, and didn’t know I was a diary writer.

And I expected that once my career in this real world was just as well-thought through and fitted me the same way writing as Lauren Harteveld fitted me –
My life would feel even better.
That n
ow, everything was aligned and as it should be.
Except apparently, it isn’t.

It feels like a brick has come loose in the road. Or an iron lit covering a manhole has shifted.
That something that used to be fixed, even when the rest was falling to pieces, has come loose.
And it won’t go away by basking in my newfound happiness in the workfield.
This, is deeper.

And I think it’s “Lauren”, this writer persona that is also my truest self.
The person I chose to become two decades ago, when I was solid in my work, and was willing to pick up some personal projects such as being single.
Which I had never tried.

I thought I’d do some stupid things, regret most of it, and probably even regretting breaking free like that and be lonely when I know I could have stayed with my boyfriend.
I was so willing to be disappointed.
But I wasn’t.

I loved being single, and it also made me a writer.
And I became Lauren.

But now with the rest of my life firing on all cylinders, I feel she’s slipping away…

I need to make her a priority once again.
Because I’m nowhere without her.

I have become her.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Subscribe to this blog for my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2025* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 2000 (going on 1990) diary.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/

The Sexit | Harteveld 2025*

I’m not someone to first do, and then decide based on the experience.
The adage “Just try it and see if you like it.” is not applicable to me at all.First I need the idea of something, play with it, sit with it for a little while, before moving forward.
It needs to grow on me.
And since this post is about sex I think the lover comparison is applicable here:
First, I need to accept the idea.
So this can be the idea of a new man, or of seeing a movie or of anything from moving cities to changing jobs.

The idea is integrated and internalized, before I move forward.
To the extend that if I then meet an experience in the outside world that does not match up to the idea, I reject the experienced.
Not the idea.

This preference for the abstract and the cognitive side of life, expresses in making principle choices first.
And very often, without ever being able to achieve them.

In this way I keep choosing to live without sugar almost daily, but I never keep up with it.
But one day, I will.

However, what has happened before, and what is happening now with the Sexit from the title (Sex + Exit, just like the Brexit was Britain Exit) is reality happening all by itself and then me starting to internalize it into an abstract idea.

So I’m not talking about something quick and superficial like “Just go on that date, maybe you will like him after all!”
or
“Just take that job for now, what’s the worst that could happen, right?”

No, this is the equivalent of when you have been hanging out with someone for months or years, and realize: “I really like them.”

Or you’ve been helping out a friend or family member with their business and realize: “I would love to stay on and work here permanently.”

When the experience starts without any expectations, assuming it’s temporary, and then you think:
“This is actually pretty cool!”

That is what happened with my Sexit.

I’ve been hanging out with myself for years now, and I still love men and am open-minded about what the future could hold.
But there’s no denying that my solitude is becoming more precious to me by the day.

The idea of no longer having sex, has been slowly growing on me.
To the point I can now say:
I love it.
.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Harteveld 2025*
Are 2200 characters, or less.
The name is inspired by the book Fretz 2025 by Johan Fretz and asterisk by the 2025 movie Thunderbolts*

Subscribe to this blog for my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2025* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1990 project.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

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/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

She Told Me | year 1990 behind the scenes

As the year is slowly drawing to a close, and with that so is the first year of this new time-travel project where I pretend to be living in 1990 and doing  a rather poor job.
T
he biggest problem seems to be that I keep forgetting I chose that timeline.
And that writing should no longer be my priority, because I chose this experimental artform of time-travel.
For better or, most likely, for worse.
.

But I also support stepping away from writing because after 20 years I feel I’ve pushed the medium to its edges.
That it has said everything it could say, on my behalf.

My writer’s career was born like the Siamese twin to my path of reinventing my love life.
It was my laboratory where I logged and dissected my findings.
The war room, where I came up with new strategies.

In 2019, more than four years into what would prove to be the relationship that would be the crown to this path – I changed my diary to a fictional 1994.
I re-imagined:
“What if it was 1994, and we were transitioning from university into working life, and our loose arrangement that had started in highschool, was falling apart?”
This revived the story, and gave both my writing or you could say “it gave him and me”, a new chance at life.

But after this relationship ended, I had to switch things up once again. This is when I invented a new timeline, earlier this year.
One where a very young Lauren had chosen to be single.

I took it all the way back to 1990 where Bear, as she called him, had never been someone she had casual sexual encounters with, but instead he was someone she had seen in December 1989;
And had said No to.

She’d wait it out, until something less casual would come along.
Or not.

This is the Lauren we are dealing with now, November 1990. On this new timeline. And one I’m still insecure about as an art project.
I mean, time travel?
What is that even? 

But instead of letting the Project 1990 fade and giving up on it, I started toying with the idea of creating a space or habit, some sort of reminder, that would weave 1990 into my days.
Even just being aware more often, that I was supposed to be in 1990, was already a step closer to getting there.

I was looking for ways to weave 1990 into my days, and/or into my surroundings as visual reminders, when “She” (1990-me) showed me herself.

First of all:
The girl needs more pink.
Preferably the baby pink version and also preferably combined with grey. But in truth any shade of pink and combined with any other color or straight up plain, will do.
The color Pink will remind me to live in 1990.

And she also asked for three 15 minute blocks of yoga, throughout the day. Not one longer practice, which I won’t be doing anyway even though technically I have a time block reserved for it every night (which always magically disappears) 
So she took the lead and said:
“No more of that.” (clears time schedule)
“Now try this instead.”

Three 15 minute practices a day, for an 18 year old virgin. And not just to become really good at yoga, or whatever. No, the lady has got it all figured out.
This yoga is going to be her All.
Her One.
The all-encompassing, adventurous, nourishing, exciting physical experience that even if no man ever makes it to her bed, will be enough.

The yoga mat is where she will develop herself spiritually, physically and as a human being.
And the reason I said Yes, even though I’ve been flaky as f, both with this whole time travel thing, as well as with my yoga- the reason I said yes, is that I’m no longer doing it for myself now.

I’m doing it for her.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

The story behind this time travel project has been added below..

Subscribe to this blog for my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2025* and the Behind the Scenes of my 1990 timeline.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

About: the 1990 project

For an indefinite time, I will be moving to the, I assume fictional, timeline of (re-)living 35 years ago.
Making the current year 1990.
This project has a predecessor, where I wrote as if I was in 1994 – 2000;
But this was mostly a literary (diary) undertaking.

I’m cutting back deeper into time, and do not intend to keep a diary. It is the living in the past itself, that is the art.

In September 2025 I came up with these goals, covering the first 8 years.

My 8 year goals are:
📵 to live a 20th Century life
🎸 to be a 20th century-inspired Rock journalist.
But on the current timeline.
So this means I make money creating content and speaking about rock music and 20th century things 

📚 publish Lauren Harteveld work 2010-2025
📢 to make the Lauren Harteveld legacy visible

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld

Categories BTS

Perfect First Kiss | Harteveld 2025*

It was a bad year for movies, I can’t even name one. But 2014 was the best year for my career as a yoga teacher as well as my writing. I had never been more confident.

There’s people who say we’re in late-stage capitalism now, in 2025.
I assume meaning the whole thing will be collapsing soon.
Which was true for my yoga career, but not for my writing where my best work was still to come. And not just that: It would be fueled by my love life. As it had always been, ever since I started writing in 2006.

But I did not know any of that, all I knew was that life had never been better than in 2014.

Even my love life had experienced what I assumed was going to be its peak, with someone whom I’d fancied for decades. And I was willing to make work.
Luckily for me, he bailed out. 

By the time November hit I found myself increasingly struggling for what was no longer more than scraps of his attention. That was the moment the man who would become my most important lover, entered my live.

Despite its long duration, what we had would never count as a proper relationship. And yet I find myself falling back on that affair, as proof that my current, now much clearer standards, are not too much to ask.

I even wonder things like:
“If these had been my standards, right from when I was a teen on up;
Would any of the other relationships or flings have happened?!”
My estimate is that one would have happened;
Each and every one of the others, would not;
And one big crush I had said No to because I was not single, would have worked out now. 

All things I am learning analyzing our affair.
The slow process of dissecting what made him the one who gave me exactly what I needed.
Right from our first kiss.

Struggling with 2014’s lover, I swore to never be the first one to kiss again.
And a man dragging it out until the moment of saying our goodbyes was also a No-no. He’d let the clock do his heavy lifting.

But this new man didn’t do any of that.
And he leaned in, sitting next to me. We kissed for one minute, a minute and a half at most.
He complimented me on being a good kisser, and said something about my body which he had touched.

He didn’t make the moment smaller, nor bigger.
Just like our affair, it just was.

Until it wasn’t.

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

Harteveld 2025*
Are 2200 characters, or less.
The name is inspired by the book Fretz 2025 by Johan Fretz and asterisk by the 2025 movie Thunderbolts*

Subscribe to this blog for my letters to Sara, the series Harteveld 2025* and the Behind the Scenes of my year 1990 project.
The subscription button is on this page, most likely on the top right.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

The best way to receive updates on when these books are ready,
is to subscribe to this blog.
Button on this page, probably on the top right.

Or follow my Facebook page
/ Twitter: @LSHarteveld