clip at 3 minutes: “We could have settled this yesterday” Or 16 months ago. Or 2,5 years (Desperately Seeking Susan)
This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara( Sara’s Fb page)
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.
In retrospect my downfall started a few months before Reboot.
When my best friend moved to America. And a downfall it was! A steady slope downhill.
But it’s over now.
Do you know her?
I ve always kind of envied people who started doing yoga this decade. That they didn’t even need classes, they could just do Yoga with Adriene.
She was most famous for doing her 30 Days of Yoga every January, but she also started making new 30 day playlists every month.
So she basically has this project-style of creating, which is of course ideal for me.
I cancelled Spotify and I bought their (missing) first three cd’s, to get that old school feel. But my daily practice will not be album-long practices, but a video from Yoga with Adriene.
I feel like a lucky beginner after all!
It has resparked my love for this decade, and now that I m done with the CNN series, I m binge watching YouTube on 80s design and interior. And rewatching Desperately Seeking Susan for all of the pinkness in the bedroom, and the white kitchen with 80s poster.
I love that movie, it’s one big 80s design fest.
That this light heads-up, is way better than trying to write An Official Worthy Ending To My Book.
The thing which, as Madonna says in Desperately Seeking Susan:
“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have settled this yesterday.”
Or 16 months ago.
Or 2,5 years ago.
The thing that saved me was a friend discovering it had been heaviness, that had been eating me alive.
Time and time again.
The heaviness surrounding a “real job” versus the lightness of going to college.
The heaviness of teaching yoga and being a professional, versus the lightness of building a practice on library books and notes taken from a weekly class.
The heaviness of “a real” relationship, versus the lightness of having a secret affair where everything sparkles.
The heaviness of a mental health diagnosis and possibly even treatment, versus just deciding to do it myself, and watch 80s YouTube videos instead.
And that I know will continue to have deep meaning;
I now recognize that my suicidal thoughts were, although triggered by resistance to life, a much more layered matter.
It was a longing to be with my father again. And with my two cats Max and Willem.
But it was also a longing to face death because it made me feel alive.
Every time I felt life was waiting for me with a job where I could not be my exuberant, spontaneous self? I ran to face death.
I needed those extreme thoughts as a reminder that I was still alive.
But there was a third aspect;
It was a spiritual awakening.
When I was in my twenties I conquered my fear of death. I went from not being able to sleep alone, to ultimately facing my fears and my phobias in the middle of the night, all by my self. And coming out enlightened on the other side.
This was similar.
By contemplating suicide I was never running away from anything: I was looking my fears directly in the eye.
I could not accept a less than perfect job, as long as I was afraid of death. As long as I had not considered the ultimate alternative.
Just like in my late twenties, when I was struggling with my thesis and transitioning to adulthood, I have overcome my deepest fear (of dullness) by accepting death.
Death was merely symbolic.
Just like when you dream about death, it is not really about death.
It is about the ending of an era, and starting a new one.
My suicidal thoughts were never about suicide: They were the death of my old life, and the rebirth of a new one.
A writer when writing is required.
I will publish my books as LS Harteveld, and will pick up creating YouTube videos. But I do not have one core message here, nor can I be bought or become famous under this name, in any way that requires me to speak in front of an audience.
I need LS Harteveld to be free.
And under my real name, all my writing, and anything yoga:
It will be forever light and fun.
I trust I am rebooted and good to go for the next twenty years.
An unexamined life is not worth living
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