clip at 3 minutes: “We could have settled this yesterday” Or 16 months ago. Or 2,5 years (Desperately Seeking Susan)

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara( Sara’s Fb page)
Before our coaching call, I always give her a headsup.

Dear Sara,
I look forward to writing you, because I am planning this week’s letter to be the final chapter of my diary 2017-2019, called Reboot
Summer 2017 I started a diary Reboot. I already have a cover and intended to create a book starting with that diary, and followed by a selection of diaries and posts from late 2017 to current day.
In retrospect my downfall started a few months before Reboot.
When my best friend moved to America.
And a downfall it was! A steady slope downhill.
But it’s over now. 
I ve truly rebooted my life and I m so extraordinarily happy!
So because I have other obligations tomorrow, I will be writing my real letter Tuesday. Just a few hours before our call.
I ve also picked up doing yoga with Yoga with Adriene.
Do you know her?
I ve always kind of envied people who started doing yoga this decade. That they didn’t even need classes, they could just do Yoga with Adriene.
She was most famous for doing her 30 Days of Yoga every January, but she also started making new 30 day playlists every month.
So she basically has this project-style of creating, which is of course ideal for me.
And I ll still be doing Bon Jovi freestyle yoga, when I feel like it.
I cancelled Spotify and I bought their (missing) first three cd’s, to get that old school feel. But my daily practice will not be album-long practices, but a video from Yoga with Adriene.
evidence based therapy: pink 80s interior in Desperately Seeking Susan

I feel like a lucky beginner after all!

And I also binge watched an 80s double dvd, which turned out to be an 8 part series from CNN from 2016. 
It has resparked my love for this decade, and now that I m done with the CNN series, I m binge watching YouTube on 80s design and interior. And rewatching Desperately Seeking Susan for all of the pinkness in the bedroom, and the white kitchen with 80s poster.
I love that movie, it’s one big 80s design fest.
So if all goes well, I ll write a Reboot-closing-chapter-worthy letter on Tuesday, and if not, this is it!!
You know, now that I m typing this, I see this really should be it.
That this light heads-up, is way better than trying to write An Official Worthy Ending To My Book.
Because do you know what the big break through was? The thing that healed me? 
The thing which, as Madonna says in Desperately Seeking Susan:
“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have settled this yesterday.”
Or 16 months ago.
Or 2,5 years ago.
The thing that saved me was a friend discovering it had been heaviness, that had been eating me alive.
Time and time again.
The heaviness surrounding a “real job” versus the lightness of going to college.
The heaviness of teaching yoga and being a professional, versus the lightness of building a practice on library books and notes taken from a weekly class.
The heaviness of “a real” relationship, versus the lightness of having a secret affair where everything sparkles.
The heaviness of a mental health diagnosis and possibly even treatment, versus just deciding to do it myself, and watch 80s YouTube videos instead.
Not recognizing the “it” was heaviness and seriousness that were bothering me, has cost me years of my life. 
There was one thing about this heavy period in my life, that I did value.
And that I know will continue to have deep meaning;
I now recognize that my suicidal thoughts were, although triggered by resistance to life, a much more layered matter. 

It was a longing to be with my father again. And with my two cats Max and Willem.
But it was also a longing to face death because it made me feel alive.
Every time I felt life was waiting for me with a job where I could not be my exuberant, spontaneous self? I ran to face death.
I needed those extreme thoughts as a reminder that I was still alive.
But there was a third aspect;
It was a spiritual awakening.
When I was in my twenties I conquered my fear of death. I went from not being able to sleep alone, to ultimately facing my fears and my phobias in the middle of the night, all by my self. And coming out enlightened on the other side.
This was similar.
For fourteen months I fought my demons, and every now and then they turned into giant monsters, fears for the future.
By contemplating suicide I was never running away from anything: I was looking my fears directly in the eye.
I could not accept a less than perfect job, as long as I was afraid of death. As long as I had not considered the ultimate alternative. 
Just like in my late twenties, when I was struggling with my thesis and transitioning to adulthood, I have overcome my deepest fear (of dullness) by accepting death.
Death was merely symbolic.
Just like when you dream about death, it is not really about death.

It is about the ending of an era, and starting a new one.
My suicidal thoughts were never about suicide: They were the death of my old life, and the rebirth of a new one.
What I have come to understand, deeply, is that I am a writer/ expressionist/ thinker. Under my real name I will be the new face of yoga, celebrating a lighthearted self-practice. Under my penname I will stay LS Harteveld:
A writer when writing is required.
I will publish my books as LS Harteveld, and will pick up creating YouTube videos. But I do not have one core message here, nor can I be bought or become famous under this name, in any way that requires me to speak in front of an audience.
I need LS Harteveld to be free.
And under my real name, all my writing, and anything yoga: 
It will be forever light and fun. 
The dark times are over.
And considering the last time a shift like this happened, were the late nineties;
I trust I am rebooted and good to go for the next twenty years.
Rock on.

An unexamined life is not worth living

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