Author: LS Harteveld

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.

Dear Sara,

Today is such a weird day, because it is the 10 year anniversary of the first time my ex-lover and me slept together. 

And when I say ex I mean it’s been years since we had sex and I have not seen him in absolutely ages.
So I do not mean “ex”, as in that I’m over him, that my feelings for him have changed or even that I would have an explanation why he left.
All I can say is that it was his choice to retreat from our affair, and it being his choice is exactly the way I like it.
It’s the very reason I will never stop being fascinated by him, in a way usually reserved for men falling for the wrong woman.

It is the pull of the mystery.

A religious man once said to me that what made the Catholic faith different from other Christian religions is that it’s all about one thing;
To hold space for the mystery.
And that’s what my lover did, and the more time has passed, the more elusive he seems to be.

And given his own mysterious nature, and my fascination for him, I also held space for his mysterious side as well of course.
It went both ways and we shared an equal fascination for each other’s darkness. The aspects of ourselves we rarely showed to others.

There was a fullness, a richness to who we both were that I at least, didn’t share with anyone else.

As sort of a side note, a spark of hope!
Because I did meet someone whom I feel also has the capacity to hold that space for the unknown.
Although he’s a very different type of man, more of a recluse lone ranger and not so deeply intertwined with capitalism the way Mr.Big was.
But I feel he too could “hold” that aspect of me.

A space for a woman as pure potential, because when we’re talking about heterosexual relationships, this is the mystery these men are holding.
They’re able to hold the space for the female mystery.
In this case represented by me.

It’s like the promise of a place where I can learn to know myself, that allures so deeply to me. It is that space I found with Mr.Big, all those years ago.
It’s that promise I felt behind the second man, the one who was new to me.
And it’s that thing I see other couples or singles, either not valuing or not naming, or trading in for things they value more.

But I do not desire anything else.
For a man A. to be mystery, and B. to hold the mystery of me. That’s it.
And that’s not a 24/7 job, nor will there be a 24/7 claim!
But maybe that’s what holds them back as well, right?
The mystery is mysterious. 
Whether we look at him or me, the unknown will always be unknown.

Sometimes I feel the men who left me started craving the known.

Anyway!
The big win from January has been that I do realize that whether I call it “only interested in sex” or I call it “being a femme fatale” or in any other way emphasize my perpetual fascination for my love life vs everything else;
January did affirm that it is the only thing that really matters.

That although my fake and masked life is around the corner, the life where everyone will be so happy for me I “made it” and “overcame” what was holding me back;
That I, at least in this moment, know it was the last 10 years when I was in integrity.

A decade viewed as a waste of time and bad decisions.
That decade.

Where I, the mistress, lived expansively on paper through my writing, and was present in the margins of (his) real life. Until I was pushed out and the pen dried up. There was nothing more to write.

It is a bold claim to state that was me in integrity.
I know.
But in the moments we were together I got all the gold any woman could possibly wish for.
And he never, ever, soiled that memory.

So now that I have devoted, although “made the rational decision to” would have been a better verb, my life to a path of fakeness, to what feels like a pledge to capitalism in the same way Mr.Big unconsciously must have made one;
I find myself doing all sorts of variations of pinching myself if I can still feel, if I am still awake, and if I still know the path I am choosing is fake and without any intrinsic value.

January did that for me;
It’s like it galvanized the entire weight of the past eighteen years because that’s how long I’ve been on this quest for love, that’s how long I’ve been a writer – and turned it into an immovable anchor.
January made it irreversibel.
Like an integration.

But I did not know that yet. Because I actually started a journal, in order to log and write about all those moments I am not in integrity. Everything I would stop doing if I no longer needed the money, or if I was no longer legally required to do it.
The log was going to keep track of all those moments, and it would be my mirror, my accountability.
I was convinced that consciousness was the medicine to being out of integrity.
Consciousness; Not avoidance, not sugarcoating, not finding purpose where there is none, and definitely not investigating and writing about it and giving it a millisecond of my creative time.

No. It was the relentless responsibility of facing capitalism head-on with the purpose of draining it so that I can save my art.
So that in 10 years time, I can be a writer, a yoga teacher, a lover.
Forever.

I believed that as long as I faced my own actions, keeping my endgame in mind; I would never mistake the fake for the things that really mattered.

I even invented a word for it;
Untegrity.
For 10 years I was committing to being in Untegrity, meaning I would do things with a 10-year goal in mind.
Only restricted by a few ethical boundaries, which I knew were arbitrary. 
I was already out of alignment and out of integrity, the ethical boundaries were just there to keep my place within society.
When I knew very well that if my life was not about writing, not about teaching yoga or teaching something else;
And in particular if my life was not about being in bed with a man;
It didn’t matter if I was saving the world or selling nuclear warheads.
It was both equally fake.

But I did not write in the Untegrity Journal.
Or I did write, but then I wrote stories.
And not just because I didn’t want to give the life that was not in integrity another minute! But because I found it was exactly right.

That although I would never confuse the realness of being a lover, with the fakeness of being part of a capitalist world;
I could live with the dichotomy this presented.
There is no untegrity.

If a man ever offers to take care of me, and in a way that the money is mine, and that I’m taken care of and not in exchange for sex or a relationship but because he wants to do that for me;
Then I will always accept it.

If he can bear that burden of doing the capitalist work, then I will trust he is speaking the truth, and I will receive his gift.
But I am okay here.

January brought me the insight that being in “untegrity” where I focus on money and not create any art and not have any sexual relationships;
Well that it all feels surprisingly similar to being in integrity.

The wealth of our love life gave me something to look back on, something to savor. 
It filled me up, and it got there first.
I drank from a different well, I became a different person, and I feel capitalism will be less harmful to me than it would have been twenty years ago.

That Mr.Big, inadvertently, showed me how he used capitalism to create the life he wanted, including a space where we met each other and were together.

Considering the unlimited potential of both capitalism as well as the divine feminine;
It should be within my abilities to create a space, a new life, a new decade, for myself and for my art. Build the church that will helm all that I have to offer the world, my teachings, my writing, and also my lovers.
I will build the church, and I will do whatever I have to, to accomplish that in the next 10 years.

But still; I will never confuse what I am creating for the one he, Mr. Big offered to us. The condo where we made love, and where the affair took place in what must have been stolen moments.

Building something for yourself is never as sweet as it being gifted to you.

But it wil do..

~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.

Dear Sara,

Wrapping up the year I am happy it’s over for many reasons.

First of all because it’s an Era wrap-up. The Worst Era Of My Life Wrap-up. Happy it’s over, be gone thy demons of the underworld.
Monsters of the darkness.
Evil, lurking in everyday mediocrity.

You will never be let in ever again, and it took me way too long to find out how you got in, and more importantly, how to expel you and banish you forever.

You have taught me, I have learned and I stand wiser but also more cynical, colder, calculated.
The core of me has become more pure, more tender, but I have created a fake persona to take on the world.

The real me only speaks through her art.
When the Me that is what I would call public, meaning tied to the world;
She is no longer me.
A hologram created for a world that doesn’t know the difference between truth and lies.
It cannot, or no longer, distinguish what is conscious and what is hallow.

I could say I will stay aware of the difference between the shell Me, and the real me, but the truth is there is a chance I will start to believe the lie of the hologram myself.
In particular because that is the validated part, whereas the real me has become a hermit, these past years.

People will think I no longer am, but I am.
I just hide it better nowadays.

Shell me goes outside, and looks fine.
Better than she was in every way, ever.
More confident, more resilient, reliable, ferocious, interesting, deep.

But real me is still at home, where she always was.
She does not care for the world, and she lost everything she cared about.
All personal growth bullshit aside, Real Me didn’t get anything out of this.

She’s still the same as before, just with ink black holes in her love life where men used to be.
Real Me lost all of them;
The man who was my lover for 8 years.
The man who wrote me letters for years, that I credit for pulling me through the absolute bleakest of years, 2020 and 2022.
I lost him too.

And I lost a third one as well, with whom I shared so little time, and there is so very little we know about each other.
Yet, I fell in love so unexpectedly. In autumn. It was so very welcome to finally start feeling again.

When we talk it is as if worlds are created, a force neither of us controls nor could ever have anticipated.
It is, or past tense was by now I guess, effortless and magical.
It makes me cry I lost him, but maybe it was just so raw because I already lost the other two.

All in 2024.

So I am happy Sara, happy the shitty as fuck era that apparently needed to happen to turn me into a fucking badass who can fend for herself;
Glad it’s over.

And the medication I found this year is so good, it has not just taken away the mysterious ailments that absolutely floored me;
It has reshaped me.
My body, still heavier from all the struggle of course, but the first kilos just dropped off by themselves, and it has gotten toned and radiantly healthy, without any noteworthy physical exercise or dietary restrictions.
Just from finding those pills this year, the ones that finally healed me.

So I have so much to be grateful for.
It really is like a second chance.

But a second chance for who?
Because Lover Me, didn’t win anything.

The real me will stay home in 2025, because her wrap up of 2024 is that she lost the only thing she ever cared about.
Love. 

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.

Dear Sara,

If I remember correctly, you once told me every artist has two choices.
Either find a way to let creativity pay the bills.
Thereby not just risking the integrity and quality of their work, but to get disconnected from their artistic calling altogether.

Or, alternatively, to choose a job unrelated to their art and losing their creative time but with the payoff of securing their creative freedom.
Now the time which is spent on creativity is free from commercial distractions.

My last letter to you (Timeline Collapse)  had a lot of exposition about my failed Timeline project (living in different timelines ’89, ’99, and 2024) as well as a realization that there had been two distinct 17 year time periods. 
Wondering if I was on to something, and able to predict what the next 17 years were going to be about.

And I quote: “I would say the upcoming 17 year cycle, 2024-2041, is about: Relationships.”
* coughs *

Like you often say: “There is just so much to unpack here.”

In that blogpost I indicated that after the previous 17 year cycle which had revolved around developing my love life and sexual identity, I was now talking about relationships in a broader perspective.
In particular a local job that would provide me with a sense of belonging.

The 17 year long Love and Sex Book, was put to rest because, and I quote again:
“Love and sexual relationships hold no secrets for me.
I really got this.”

The good news is, one month later and I still stand by this.
I do not expect it will be holding secrets for me.

But also;
Going back from the excitement of being a mistress until 2023, and having the best-sex-ever and with the same man, for 8 years?
To now suddenly think you can go raw dogging normal non-sexual relationships?

Of course the fuck not.

From when I was just a child there was only one thing that could hold my interest, and that was sexuality. And I developed myself in that area in a consensual and very age appropriate way.
Although there have always been time periods when there was nothing, from the years when I transitioned from child into teenager, to as recent as my current state.
It is almost my 2 year “anniversary” of the last time I had sex.
But as uncomfortable as I am with it right now, the droughts have always been part of my natural cycle.

As if the intensity of my sexuality makes it necessary that, contrary to most, I need abstinence to process it all.

So although I still understand why, now that I am middle-aged and under the threat of a lonely death bed, I suddenly started fantasizing about partaking in social structures such as working locally;
That, is a farce.

I will only ever be interested in one on one relationships with men.
After that, we have one on one friendships.
After that comes family.
And after that online communities and friendships around areas of interest.

Real-life relationships that are tied to my geographical location are not my thing.
Aging comes with many side-effects but becoming a completely different person isn’t one of them.

So here I am one month later.

And the good news is that the career path I had chosen in October, is coming together so gorgeously!
I will be studying from December to March, and start working in April.

But after sobering up from my head-in-the-clouds ideas about this new path being my ticket to starting connecting to The World again;
I would like to use this letter to put my priorities to paper.
Now that there still is time to create some clarity around it.

First the path itself:
After my studies and certification, in 2025 and 2026 I want to learn the craft in practice, having my first jobs.
This is the only phase I expect (and hope) to be working locally.
2027-2030 I want to work remote, most likely internationally, and for the highest bidder. 
There are a lot of deployment agencies which I think will be able to help me here.
From 2031 and up I want to offer my services independently, and as a package so no longer billed per hour.

I’m not mentioning my craft/skill here, because I think it is not relevant. 
Although I absolutely adore what it is I will be doing, and look forward to it a lot, it doesn’t come close to the joy of writing and engaging in the topics I do for my work under my real name.

So it’s only for the money.

And because of that, I wanted to close this letter with the list of priorities!
Because I will not be the first person to forget all about their art, and why they accepted the normal job in the first place.

So this is my list of passion projects.
Top to bottom: How I would like to spend my time.

1. Living a life worth writing about
   E.g. having kick-ass one on one relationships, incl sexual one(s)
   This also includes my “timeline projects” or living in the past, because when done well that is definitely worth writing about. 
   I like the idea of combining my renewed love life with living in a fictional past of 1999 or 2000.
2. Writing about those adventures!
   For Lauren Harteveld, in particular the Lauren1999 or Lauren2000 timeline (in 2025). 
3. Curating my Lauren Harteveld work 2007 – 2024 and publishing my books
4. Writing and making videos under my real name
5. That’s it, right? Did I forget something?

So in the end, although I look forward to starting this new career next year, I did come down from the idea that it can in any way be fulfilling the way art has been for me.
And that bigger social settings can never become as meaningful as 1-on-1 friendships and dates.
So I should not invest in them.

Looking back on the past 17 years, I think everything went way better than I thought. It was just that career wise I had ended up on the wrong side of capitalism.
Choosing to fund myself, with a profitable career, solves that.

Anais Nin, the 20th century diarist, was financed by her husband Hugo, to whom she stayed married until the end.
Hugo was a banker.
Hugo’s and Anais’ marriage wasn’t easy because they had married very young and Anais developed herself throughout their lives.
She’d even marry a second man, on the West Coast, when Hugo and her official residence was on the East Coast.
She died being married to two men.
A diary covering those final years was published a few years ago, and was fittingly called “Trapeze”.

The way I see it is that my new career, under my real name, means I have become my own Hugo.
I have become my own financier.

So the Anais Nin within me, the Lauren Harteveld within me, can live, write, and most importantly;
Live a life worth writing about.
* insert vegetable emojis *

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.

Dear Sara,

I copied Canva’s last post, and noticed the “08” in the right corner, and remembered the subject I wrote you about last time.

How Pluto has been moving into Aquarius for the past 18 months or so, and since planets do this in retrogade fashion they move in and out of signs the whole time.
Thus far, it has been wiggling between Aquarius, where it is heading, and Capricorn, which has been its home since 2008.

On the 19th of November Pluto will move into Aquarius for the upcoming 14 years.
And the Capricorn cycle it started in 2008, and with it the cycle we humans started then, will end.

So when I copied the Canva and I encountered the 08 mark, although I didn’t change my mind about the subject I will be writing you about (which has little if anything to do with all the 2008 body resolutions of last post) I did think:
“Oh, let’s keep it in there. Just for fun, and you never know. Could be relevant to keep track of Pluto’s journey.”
Even when I have little to add to last post’s wisdom.

Because things have been rocky, but rocky in a mysterious, dark, I would say Scorpio Rising, sort of way.
Which is a nice side note I could very well elaborate on, now that it comes up. In particular since astrology seems to be a bit of a theme for me these months. And also because the Scorpio Rising story is more distinctly defined than the mysterious dark waters of my life in general.

So let’s discuss Scorpio Rising first;
Just like the Sigma Female personality, which I had been studying in the weeks prior to my previous post (and I ID-dropped being a Sigma Female in last post), in much the same way I have been starting to understand my ascendant, which is Scorpio Rising.
It was definitely one of those “managed to miss” things.
I mean, anyone even remotely interested in astrology will have encountered the significance of their rising sign. And in 2018 I had an astrologer telling me face-to-face, Scorpio is a sign that takes over a horoscope because it is so strong.

And yet I waited until 2024- and until the AI generated Sigma Female videos had made me so numb I feared I would lose the ability to write original content if I clicked one more of them-
That I thought: “Why not look for something new, like what that Scorpio Rising in my birth chart means?”

And not only was it an absolute epiphany, could have saved me the last five years of personal development work, it was also an area where AI wasn’t active.
Only genuine astrologers, real people.

Pluto, the planet who is moving us all into the Aquarius Age right now, is the ruler of Scorpio.
It is the Planet of death and rebirth, and it is no coincidence that the people who have Scorpio Rising, maybe even more so than the ones who are a Scorpio Sun Sign;
Are among the most intense you will ever meet.

Prince, the artist, was a Scorpio Rising.
I think I made my point right there, how this astrological information about who I am, could have explained for a lot…..

And in particular with its ruling planet moving us all into a new era, it is not that strange that I feel it is a poignant time for me.
That I should not f – up these last weeks, when we’re finishing up the 2008-2024 cycle.

And yet, the darkness I have been feeling is a different one. It is part new, and part old.

The new part is the Scorpio Woman part.
Because for the love of God, or less divine more diabolical beings, I think I have been making myself SICK, not owning the power that was given to me.

You know I have not been well the past six years, and that I felt like my life was taken from me.
Yes ultimately my health was taken, and still the medication requires temperance in many ways to be effective (Will I ever have my old life back?!), but the unhealthy shift, the feeling that what we call a Life (friends, job, identity, belonging);
That, was taken a very long time ago.
Way before physical health became an issue.

My power, was taken from me.

So the new part I found, is how me not being connected to my own Scorpio Rising-ness, despite having been made aware of its astrological significance in 2018, how that detail is such a powerful symbol for not being in touch with my power.

And as I started dabbling with that, toying with the idea of owning the power of a Scorpio Woman, an insight dropped that even at this moment of writing, has not dropped in completely.
I do not oversee its consequences, all I know is that I cannot afford to be messing with this anymore.

The wisdom that dropped was that the reason I have lost all these years and ultimately my physical health, was because I refused power.
I refused the power that was given to me.
I pretended to be someone who is safe, genuine, and a valuable, loving human because I know myself, I know my own pure heart.

When I am venom for all those, who in any shape or form, are not a match to me.
Those not ready to face their own darkness, or darkness of others.
Those with a more gentle agreeable energy.
Those with every right to stay unconscious of anything in themselves or in the world;

For those, and I know that is just a random and small list of what will no doubt be the majority;
For those I am far, further, the furthest, from safe.

So the Scorpio-managed to miss it, cost me 6 years – energy hit me like a rock, and it was/ is weird!
Although obviously less dramatic, it feels like the category finding out your parents are not your parents or something. 
It messes with your head.

But another older energy also resurfaced. And theme-wise, in retrospect, it is indeed a reminder of how as a teen, I did have access to this strong Scorpio energy.
Something which was long, long gone, by the time 2008 hit, and which therefor cannot be placed into the neat little “Oh let’s do this and this before November 2024” plan, I conjured up in my last blog.

And that older energy came up when I was reading the Heroin Diaries from Nikki Sixx, and I recognized myself in so many things.
His messed up mid-80s junky life and mine.
Except one big difference of course; I have never touched drugs.

Yet for the past 6 years, it has been imploding, seemingly destroyed from the inside out by a malignant force over which I do not have any control and for which I would seek treatment if there existed such a thing!
But there is nothing there.

It’s like if you would tell a child there is no crocodile under the bed; Normally that is a great thing to do.

But I feel like in my bedroom for the past 6 years, we have blood on the walls and small mammals vanishing from the scene;
Maybe there isn’t a crocodile under the bed. But it would explain a hell of a lot, if there was.

Diving into Nikki Sixx’s life, if you could even call it that at the time because he was consumed by the darkness, for the first time I thought;
“If I had been living with an addiction for the last 6 years, it would explain more than what I can explain today.”

Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply grateful that I still have my health in general terms. Although I will be needing this year’s prescription drugs to restore in full, I do not have big physical issues.
And also financially, I do not have the damage I would have had if I had been using drugs.

But by the Gods or those of diabolical origin;
What a mess it has been.
Still is.
Sometimes I don’t know where to begin.
How will I ever recover?

Starting by explaining it with: “Well, Lauren was on drugs for 6 years, and she’s rebuilding her life,” would definitely offer way more of an explanation, than I could offer.
I have no idea why my life looks this way.

Other than my Scorpio Woman In Denial scenario I just shared with you, anyway. The idea that if I had understood what my power was, who I was, none of this would ever have happened.
It’s like complacency and playing small poisoned me.

So back to the 80s and Nikki Sixx. Because it was not just the way my life looks, and the similarities to his, that struck a chord.
It was also the way it is described what it is like to feel high, which resonated with me. That is how I used to feel ALL the time!
But on what?
Was it just when I was in love?
Was it really all the time, as I think it was?
My pain was numbed and I felt boundless pleasure for long periods of time. So long it felt like my natural state, I am sure of it.

But when was this?
And what was the, obviously internal, drug that caused this?

And then the third association that was triggered by this book, was that I used to read books about drug use, as a teen.
There were two, we had a Dutch book (Het Verrotte Leven Van Floortje Bloem, by Yvonne Keuls) that I don’t think ever got translated;
But my main fascination, as I will call it, was with the one translated to English as:
Zoo Station: The Story of Christiane F. 

I even had a clipping, which I sadly didn’t keep, about Christiane F. Late 80s, I think. I probably copied it from a folder at the library where they would keep folders with clippings on a variety of topics.
She had become such an enigmatic strong woman!
But that both books were about teen girls and neither one ended fatally, was the reason they felt important to me.

These girls were literally dancing with the devil, they were dealing with forces no one could contain, let alone a teenage girl;
And yet, they survived.

More than stories about addiction, to me, these were stories about girls who possessed power.
They were both teen prostitutes, but instead of seeing them as a warning I admired them for their tenacity and resourcefulness.
Their incredible strength and resilience.

This is a messy email, I think. It’s certainly not one where I knew beforehand how I was going to make sense of the past couple of weeks, nor how to tie it all together into a neat story.
But I think the gist of it is somewhere along the lines of that in the previous letter, my biggest insight into my personality was that I had started seeing myself through the lens of being a Sigma Female, and my goal was getting myself back to 2008 health and fitness levels, for the astrological purposes of Pluto moving into Aquarius in November.
And because I still need to fix the remaining damage these 6 years have done.

The Pluto in Aquarius time window, was a good opportunity to go all in for the final haul.

Whereas now, the biggest insight in my personality is that I am a Scorpio Rising sign, and that the reason my health and life have been imploding these last years, is the result of me not having been in my power for absolutely decades.

That the teen girl who read books about heroin addiction was in her power, she was familiar with evil and with darkness.
She knew what strength was, and what self-reliance looked like.
She didn’t read personal development books, she didn’t even know what that was.
Well, once: I got a Wayne Dyer book from the library, and started over several times before bringing it back, knowing this would never be for me.

I feel the last few weeks have been about getting in touch with my darker side, and that it is taking me back way further back than 2008.
That in the 90s, I was losing my strength in 1996, 1997, definitely 1998.
But in the 80s and earliest of 90s, I still had it.

Isn’t it strange to realize that all the years of maturing and personal development, all the yoga and the knowledge, you actually manage to miss you got it right the first time.

That technically, you do not even need to know where your birth chart has its rising sign;
Your intuition will tell you all the right things.

Just that I stopped listening.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.

Dear Sara,

There have been two movies that have changed me this summer: Drive (2011) with Ryan Gosling.
Which pushed me into my Sigma female identity even deeper than weeks of watching YouTube videos on her, had already done.

That he played a Sigma male, not a female, didn’t really make a difference.
If anything, it made the character more relatable to me since I have discovered that although I do not identify as a man, my likes and dislikes are so masculine, I’ve started giving my first disclaimers this summer, as to manage expectations.
Don’t count on my femininity sugar coating things.

The fact that Driver is a criminal, something I do not have the nerves for (not to mention the moral ambiguity), also didn’t make a difference.
Yet Driver’s violence?
Although yes, initially I thought that was among the coincidental things as well, and that I was more drawn to the love story;
Well that violence, can no longer count as a coincidence at all considering the second movie that changed me:

Deadpool.

“Come again. This time in my ears.”

One of the countless sexual jokes, in this R rated movie. And all, left me hungry for more.
Deadpool’s voice is melodic and seductive, and his moves elegant and expressive like a professional dancer.
Which is because if required, such as in the opening scene, they were actually done, by a professional dancer!

But it only shows the importance they have placed on getting it right.
That they understood this character’s physical potential, and didn’t let one drop of Deadpool’s buckets of sexual zest go to waste.

I feel like the introversion of Driver and the extroversion of The Merc with the Mouth, as Deadpool is called (Merc comes from mercenary), touch on two sides of me (Deadpool would now nod at the camera) that I feel are  both necessary to feel whole and complete.

Driver’s introversion and emotional distance are required, both to get more comfortable in my isolation and to get over the still sub-consciously lingering idea that this is some post-pandemic thing that will ever go away;
And Driver’s qualities are also needed to keep me on track in life.
To make calculated decisions how much I want to invest, and where.

The character of Driver represents the power of the lone wolf in me.
The Sigma.

But I only just realized that it is the Deadpool extroversion that I have been denying myself of.
Driver’s introverted dominance, on the other hand? Oh, I think the early 90s movie Basic Instinct and seeing it in theaters a dozen times, told me all about being a poweress, without using muscles!
But I think I missed something these last couple of decades…

Something that could have saved me from feeling so terribly uncomfortable around people, that I have started calling it a straight up phobia.
I’m not shy or something, but to me it feels like it is so necessary, to be dominant in a positive way, in order to make people feel safe, and to therefor be safe myself.

I feel that if you don’t make your mark, deciding on the mood, being in control and setting some boundaries firmer than Wolverine’s adamantium skeleton;
Things start off on a slippery slope on which the only way is down.

Yet I have missed the skills to do that, also because I didn’t know anybody who could dominate the room in such a lighthearted yet dangerously direct manner as Deadpool.
Just like I didn’t know anyone as conscious of her power as the female writer in Basic Instinct.

Like I studied Basic Instinct, I will now study this, until I master it. Just like I have become good at playing the femme fatale dressed in white, whom you just can’t stop thinking about.

So this summer, in its own way, has been action packed.

But the reason this all means significantly more to me, is because there is such a huge astrological event happening now!

You may have heard of the Aquarian Era, which is linked to Pluto’s orbit.
It is moving into Aquarius.

However!
Because planets move in a two or more steps forward, one or less steps back fashion, it takes twenty months between a planet like Pluto moving into Aquarius for the first time, and then moving into it permanently.
In those 20 months, every retrogade it has been moving back into Capricorn.

Now currently though, we are on Pluto’s final retrogade in Capricorn.

On October 12th, it will start moving direct, and on 19th of November 2024, Pluto moves into Aquarius again, where it will stay for 20 years.

And this?
Closes the Capricorn era, the journey each and every one of us started in 2008.
Which journey?
That is something you must figure out for yourself.
But the You of the past 16 years was a different one, than the one you will be after November….

It’s time to take yourself through one more round, and get right what you did wrong.
And wrap up what you did right.

In 2008 my journey in my love life started.
It made me the Basic Instinct mistress I am today, or at least was, until my lover moved away.
We stopped having sex before Pluto hit Aquarius, and I remember that month being the first time I realized I was losing him.

If I interpret the stars correctly, the cycle of Catherine Tramell, the name of the writer in Basic Instinct and the role model with whom I have identified the most, that cycle has ended.
It’s done, it’s internalized. I know her, and I own her power and dominance.
I am her, exactly like a ton of YouTube videos where the maker admits “I am him” about the movie Drive!
I have introverted dominance under my belt *Deadpool steps in with R rated joke*

I m now taking myself back to 2008, the year where I know exactly what I was doing because I was already a diarist (and it’s all in my book Dutch American Diary, bookstore) but I was also a yoga teacher and in the absolute best shape of my life!

And I want that body back, to start all over again. The same body I had in 2008.
I know I can do it, and I will.

Wouldn’t it be great, if I had that to enter this new Plutonian cycle with?!
And I have 77 days to get it.

“What did you just say?”

“I have 77 days to get it”

“No I mean before that.”

“If I had that?”

“You lied! You have no idea if you will be able to get it!”

The Merc with the mouth.
After 16 years of being the writer with the pen, I’m ready for a change.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.

Dear Sara,

The addition “the rush job” is of course because we pulled our appointment forward by a week, which means that I am now in a hurry to write a blogpost that I could otherwise have thrown thousands of words and a few hours on.

And funnily; I actually prefer it this way.
The thinking about this topic was definitely done, the magic had dropped yesterday.
Shortening the list of topics I will be known for, from about four, all under my real name, to one.

Which in short is, this.
Being LS Harteveld.
A 21st century diarist.

So why did I fall astray?
Why have I been neglecting my Lauren Harteveld work so badly this year that I apparently forgot who I was and what truly mattered to me?
Building a business under my real name, is what happened.

And somewhere along the line, I started taking that too seriously.
I actually started thinking I actually WAS that person.
That my work, and the success, under my real name, really defined who I was, when that was never what it was about.

Its function is to give me a place in the world, the city, the family, the country I am born into.
Because the “real” me, how I indentify, is and has been since 2006, my alterego Lauren Harteveld.

You don’t choose an alterego because you want a phony front;
You choose it because you create a space with your art, where the real you can live. And this real you, as in authentic, wants their own real name, and you give it to them.
It is the alterego that is the real person because what we put into our art is our soul work.

My body, my house, my boots on the ground, come with so many restrictions and also, as a solitary woman, it comes with liabilities and safety issues.
Choosing an alterego for my diary writing has been one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

But this is of course why I forget who I am, from time to time. And forget what really matters.
The other side of me, is the one that gets validated on a daily basis.
It is easy to forget about Lauren.

The first time I thought about writing you this letter, which was about two weeks ago already, I had this curated list of areas of expertise which I had decided on as my core business.

There were still some hard nuts to crack, because the sheer number of the areas I had decided on, indicated that the rest would just have to go.
That keeping them on, may cost me my business.
But then again, if I cut the heart out of my business, meaning the part that was authentically me, I wouldn’t be speaking my true message anymore, and  effectively kill its soul. Or at least mine.

But nevertheless, I felt accomplished that I was at least thinking about the matter, and making progress in distinguishing the different elements and how they related.

Until, about a day ago and before I read your email giving an option to reschedule, I realized that none of them mattered.
Not really.

That even the most real-me part, under my own name, has to work with such severely limiting conditions compared to the freedom of the alterego-
That ultimately none of it matters.
Not really.

That the work under my real name and in the real world, should be 100% about connection and other people, completely driven by, and in service of , the world.

That my success “there” comes down to my ability to be able to monetize and finetune my small capacity for extroversion.
Because I don’t like the introvert business models.
I absolutely don’t want to produce online courses, or a commercial YouTube channel or something.
The only thing that would be an option is to be a published author, or self-published author.
Books are probably the only “online” introvert-friendly business model I would consider.

And my work under my real name serves me as well (not just others).
Because I may be an introvert, but I too need connection and belonging.
Working under my real name, provides this.

But what hit me one day ago, was although I was happy with the list of core areas for me to focus on under my real name;
Ultimately none of them mattered.
Not for the artist in me.
Not for the lover in me.
They “only” matter to my human side. Which is important, but it’s not who I really am.

Real me, is here.
Real me, is Lauren.
Real me, is the diarist Lauren Harteveld who connects to little more than her diary and to her lovers.
None of which have been existent, in 2024.

So ultimately, although the list with areas I will focus on under my real name is still under construction, the big Aha moment is that all of those areas should be in service of how functional they are socially, and business wise.
And that authenticity (under my real name) is important but that I concluded over 15 years ago, that I did not want my most authentic Self to be known under my normal name.

That I chose my diarist work, my Anais Nin of the 21st century work, the work that will hold up and only grow more relevant exactly like her work did;
I chose to do that as Lauren.

I already chose where my soul would live, in 2007.

Here.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living

This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
.

Dear Sara,

The month flew by, just like the year has flown by.
But what a grateful ride it was.

And just days before my birthday I got another piece of the puzzle, the puzzle of what always goes wrong, what will always fit, and the puzzle of where I intend to go with this whole thing called Life.
For lack of a less dramatic word.

But first about the ride itself;
Both the time between our calls, as well as the past year that has flown by.
Since they will both be marked, by our upcoming call on my birthday.

So first the past month.
I expected the fact that we had a four week interval between our calls, which has been three weeks throughout the year, with the exception of a few special occasions when it was less, to cause trouble or a pause of some sort.

That I would have all these stories to tell, and may even have been looking for advice on a certain area of my life.
Some deep questions I could not possibly bother someone else with but that could only be answered in this intoxication combination of first writing you a letter, and then to have a call where we occasionally dive deeper into it, but usually go with the flow and end up digging into a completely different area.
Meaning our call has solved or contributed in two areas, instead of one!

But no, didn’t miss it!
The month flew by, and although our work together means more to me than ever, and I hope to be allowed to stay on as your client until the day you retire, I do think it is great that apparently I am still an independent soul and that we did not accidentally create a codependent relationship.

Although without a doubt, this extra week has been the hardest, when an interpersonal problem presented itself, that made me think long and hard, about how I wanted to go about this.

Because the problem looked like something I knew very well how to handle, but there was something that halted my hand from taking action.

And although it was easy to blame it on procrastination, because interpersonal things are my achilles heel and it makes sense to suspect I’d do anything to put them off for a little while longer, this time it really was not done yet.
The thinking, was not done yet.

So I write you now, with this difficult conversation still to be held.
But I do cherish having given it a few extra days, and those were the days that was the extra week between our calls.
So the time was well spent.

Either way, what I have found out in this purgatory between knowing I need to change something and taking action next week, is that my social style (isn’t this one of those personality type quiz things?!) is to be a Peacekeeper, when I always thought or assumed I had somewhat of a rebellious streak.
Because I was a mistress.
Because I am sexually free and advocate it too.
And because I am on a personal vendetta against all things organized and systematized, for they are the embodiment of evil to me.

But no.
Although Peacebringer, would have been an even better word than the ableist sounding Peacekeeper (who helps things staying as they are, including all things unequal and toxic) I cannot count myself among the ones who will tear down the systems and start the revolution.

But I will bring peace where there isn’t any.

In those extra days between our calls, and with the difficult conversation hanging over me, I was able to pinpoint exactly where the conflict of interest lay in all those relationships I lost over the years.
And will keep losing, and I am okay with that now.
You could even say that my friendship style makes me completely unfit for the “most used” model of friendship.

That I am unable to give something that is perceived as safety or even as love, by most people.
And that it’s a good thing I know myself even better in this area, than the string of ended friendships had already taught me.

It also indicates that my most common friendships will be with men, and that friendships with women will either be spectacularly good or non existent.
And although these roles will of course not be a 100% gender specific, there is a reason why they will be working out in this fashion.

The most important part to it, is my own Peacekeeper identity.
I now understand this desire or talent I have within me, a talent which ideally is expressed but that as a hard limit requirement needs to be respected and to not be undermined.

This is the quality I call Peacekeeping, or the bringing of peace.
It is this quality that I need to step into unconditionally, instead of letting it be tossed around and messed with, depending on what someone else needs from the conversation or the relationship.

That I need my relationships to be super clean to the point of what others would call boring, without any expectations, arguments or power struggle within our relationship, and also without strive and struggle being projected on outside situations or external sources.
And I don’t just need that because it stresses me out, but also because chaos blocks what I can, and want to, bring to the table;
A sense of peace, where there was none.

How can I bring peace, if someone is attached to conflict in any shape or form?
I can’t, it’s that simple.

But also:
How can I bring real peace, if someone is attached to conflicts being solved with superficial and less demanding methods?
Also impossible.
Because that’s not real peace of course.

The way I see it now, my deepest friendships, will be with other Peacekeepers!

Men or women, who similarly to me, have a desire to use their potential to create peace and to solve conflict, in those situations that are susceptibele to it.
And who aspire to identify and navigate the situations that are beyond our control.

Whose strategy is to create harmony and beauty, and to leave people feeling better and more empowered.
If it wasn’t such a demanding way to live, both for ourselves as well as for those around us, you could easily mistake it for the strategy of unconditional love 😉

Because Peacekeepers do create bonds, communities, companies, etcetera, where we can love unconditionally, and we will do it with the intention to inspire all who come on our path to do the same.

While we also understand that we are in no position to judge others for choosing their values and for becoming the fully expressed version of whatever it is they embody.

So many conversations will follow, Sara.
Now that I know this, I am better at expressing what my highest work is in friendships (to bring peace in situations that you have not analyzed yet in full) but also what a demanding little bitch I am 😉

Because I am really only of use to people who aspire the same things.
Just having fun together and staying on the surface of our ideological differences, is in all probability a waste of your time trying to find that kind of thing with me;
But I know for a fact, that it is a waste of time for me.

That I, a Peacekeeper, need to be invited to the table when things need to be cut to the bone.
And not for a pint of beer, an all night bender, or even a conversation, if they serve as a way to forget about our problems.

That the problem, yours or my own, is what brings me to the table.
It is what I look forward to solving.
It is, if you believe in those things, why I am here on earth.

To solve things. Like riddles.
So there can be peace.

And that I feel insulted and get angry, but mostly I feel terribly out of place, if the problem is talked about but then solving it is withheld from me.
And I am cut off by, or forced to go along with, what might be very healthy coping strategies for others.
Just not for me.

The reason I have traditionally been way better with men than with women, is because men do not discuss their problems with me.
Creating a friendship that appears to be superficial, I know that.

But what my male friends have been doing, probably instinctively, is that they have committed to creating beautiful experiences.
For themselves, as well as those around them.
But we have to let them.

I, let them.

And there is nothing superficial about it.

So I think what I have nailed down, these last few days of the extra week that we scheduled between our calls, is that my highest work is that of Peacekeeping.
To create a neutral space without drama or pressing problems. A blank canvas.

And that my most striking friendships will be with other peacekeepers;
Those who desire to create peace and harmony, just like I do.
And that you will recognize our friendships by these deep powerful conversations, exactly like I have with you, Sara.
Even though our connection has the boundaries of a business relationship, the rhythm of having the conversation taking place at the allotted time slots and in the agreed upon ways of one letter and one call;
Oh, that is a recipe, for sure!

Deep relationships, whether the one between Peacekeepers or the one between Performers, which I will discuss next;
They need entirely different ways of communicating than what is currently normal at least here in The Netherlands!

People Whatsapp each other all the time, but that type of connection is detrimental to both deep Peacekeeping relationships as well as in most cases, to relationships based on Performing, which is the second relationship type I have identified myself of being capable of.

So the experience of having you as my coach, has taught me over the years, that my preferred communication style is literally nothing more than setting a date, and then showing up in the agreed upon fashion.
That’s it, anything else is baggage.

It’s also in line with how my lover and me used to make dates, all those years. 

Him: “Hi, can I buy you a drink? I’m in town Thursday.”

Me: “Great! Thanks for asking. Eight o clock, at the bar?”

Him: “Perfect. See you then.”

But before I move on to the Performer bit, I want to state that my Peacekeeper friends need to understand that others are entitled to exert their own values and play their own role.
And that it is never up to us to push our ideals of harmony onto others!

So now the Performer part?
What do I mean when I say that although the most obvious and deepest friendships will be with other Peacekeepers;
I will have many friendships with Performers?

And even that I will have relationships, where I play the role of Performer?

And why my easiest relationships will be with men?

It is because men like to entertain.
They love to use the peace and the blank canvas that I bring, to paint something beautiful onto it!
To create a date, an experience for the two of us.

So the reason my friendships with men have been so successful is because they do not mess with the peace I bring, AND they add something onto it!

Just like my lover respected the space and the peace I brought, to then direct and take responsibility for our time together.
He never let his personal problems spill over into our time together, and I loved being with him way too much to discuss anything with him.
It would be close to heresy!

So when I say the female/male divide is not absolute, I mean of course that there are women too, who love to create great experiences.
And they make great friends, and my Peacekeeping skills and their Performer skills complement.
I enjoy the work they put in and I can help them create peace in areas of their life where they cannot bring their highest work yet.

And there are men who are Peacekeepers, with whom I have great relationships too.

And then to bring it all to a close, there is definitely my own Performer side self. But I feel I have been overusing this.
I feel that, because it is more easily monetizable, and because it speaks to a broader audience, I have been overextending that part of myself.
And I need to realign ALL my work, to being about the deep work of creating peace.
Because that is my actual highest work.

That although I love creating experiences and having a more active role in contributing, it is not my biggest feature.
Performing, entertaining and being engaging, is not what I can do with my eyes closed and on 2 hours of sleep, and because of that being the Performer, is not sustainable to me.

Moving forward I should resist, being in relationships with people who are drawn to me as an Performer.
And focus on friends who appreciate me for my analytic Peacekeeping skills,
AND the ones who appreciate the blank canvas I bring, so they can shine in their ability to create beautiful shared experiences.

I should lead with being a Peacekeeper, not with being a Performer.

Like I said the month flew by, and as it was the 12th and final month of this year of my life, what a great ride it was.
Not just because I found that important cue to who I am, and how to live my life, but also because I really healed and got over the breakup with my lover.
Helped, by engaging with a new man.

He is no longer in my life, it was short lived.
And ironically, after the above analysis of me being a bringer of peace, it was because he feared I would blow up his life.
But I respect his withdrawal and I much rather have people removing themselves from my life, than to stay with expectations, fears or handing me responsibilities I am unwilling to take on.

But it was him, who healed the final part of hurt and confusion about December’s breakup with my lover.
Because my goal, my ultimate thing I wanted for myself sexually, was established without even trying;
Sexual autonomy.
Having a sexual identity without relying on external validation.

It was a lofty goal, and I thought it would take years, before I got there.
Turns out, it was actually quite feasible.
Maybe it was one of those things that once you know what your goal is, it is pretty much done. That it is more about the wording of the aim, the understanding of what it is you are pushing for. 
And less about that thing actually being hard, in any way.

So for the first time since puberty really, I feel sexually autonomous and free. I have no innate longing for lovers other than that I would see them as super nice additions to my already great life!
Cherries on top, icing on the cake, and valuable in every way, but their absence or presence will never define my sexuality.

I feel I have acquired a level of full sexual identity, sexual realization even, that cannot be taken away from me.
Exactly like I set out to achieve, to get out of this time alone.

Which does not mean I do not have sexual goals.
Because I do!

My next goal, or let’s say thing I am open to, in the upcoming year, and thereby leaving this year with the breakup behind me for good, is that I want to have three lovers.

I want having three men in my life, whom I date, to be my new normal.
And I have given this a lot of thought. Three is the right number.

First off, one is of course too few.
I had one lover, I have been with only one man, for years on end. And even though I was his mistress, and he had other women, I did not.
I dropped back to my natural monogamous state, which was feasible and satisfying to me, because he brought all the adventure I required.
Technically, my natural state is being in a Monopoly, so I am the monogamous person and he is polyamorous.
But that’s very complicated, and I don’t feel I am there yet. Maybe I never will. Anyway a Monopoly is more high maintenance and has the trap of becoming unequal because I am dependent on him but he not on me.
Just like I was dependent on my lover for sex, the past nine years, and he was not dependent on me.
Let’s not go there again.

So not counting the Monopoly, the thought-over, totally feasible relationship style I have come up with, is me having three lovers.

So not just one, not even a polyamorous man, because that puts me in a dependent position.
But also not two, because that sparks rivalry because they will think they only have to get rid of one man, to have me all to themselves.
And also because if one breaks up with me, I am down to one again.
But I want three lovers, because then it is clear to them, that I have multiple lovers and it avoids competition.
It makes sure that if one breaks up, I still have two left, and don’t become dependent.
And it is just the perfect number, to have three lovers.

If they want me for themselves, the next step is a Monopoly where they would have to swear to stay polyamorous and not become lazy, and they would have to take great care of me, and also the occasional lover or sexual experience would still be granted to me, to grow as a human being and to make sure that my monogamous ways stay fresh and by choice!

So it’s never a totally stale “I am faithful to you” situation, but the Monopoly would be something that a lover who really wants to go all in with me, could opt for.
As a natural monogamist, meaning it is extremely easy for me to have only one partner and requires a lot of work for me to have more than one, I think these two plans are both within my reach, as well as that they facilitate growth.
They will prevent the relationship with my lover to be recreated in that way, not with him, not with another man.

Days before my birthday now, and I really feel like this letter to you has summed up really important things that I found out.
About what happened last year, but also the years prior to that.

Why I lost all those people, and how to move forward.
That would have been a better title for this email.

Even though the breakup made this year challenging, it was far less challenging than many, many years prior to this one.
In the areas of body, health, business, and the future vision I hold for myself, so much changed for the better.
It has been the most amazing year, really.

And I look forward to many more.

.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living