“It’s only getting worse.”
This could have been my conclusion, but I’m choosing for:
“Why does this still surprise me?”
Over the past few years all earthly problems of health and career have been solved in satisfactory ways, meaning it is clear why the old situation was a problem, what the cause was, what the solution.
And yet on a deeper level, nothing changed.

Now that all outer circumstances are solved, and the inner does not respond, it is like the purity of winter, the silence of a snow covered night.
There is no one here.

In the morning the wheels of the world will start moving, there will be interactions, relationships, a full calendar, and sooner rather than later, I will retreat and seal the gate.
Happy, public duties have ended.

Thankfully, there are people in my life with whom I have a strong connection and do not have to perform social superficiality and do not have a professional role either.
But if I look back at how easy interaction used to be, and how fluent one event would stretch into another (“Want to go for a drink?” “Would you like to come over for dinner?”) it is clear my life has changed so much.
And it is impossible to go back.

The idea of regularly sharing meals, or sharing my bed at night is unbearable.

With all earthly matters attended to, I want 2026 to be the year I find back what was lost.

Can I find back my lust for life, and stop being the queen of the underworld?
At least when I’m with a friend;
At least when I write;
At least when I look inward;
Can the frozen ground thaw and a new garden grow?

I think it is feasible, now that I know what I’m aiming for.
And that it will be restored through, by, or in collaboration with one or two lovers.
The process of melting the ice around my heart and open it.

Yes, my prediction is it will be the warmth of my love life that will save me. And after that I will be able to bring my softness into other areas as well.
Because I never intended to become this new version of me. It was necessary but should have never become more than a means to an end.

2026 Should be on focusing on this end; On the woman whose life was on the line when I chose to rise into the Queen of Darkness.

Me.

.
.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living