Project 88 | 1996 diary

Sunday March 7, 1996.
Madonna by Marcus Leatherdale 1983

I could have settled this weeks ago!
Mom and me have been going through old photos. Ordering new prints, completing our albums, laughing our socks off, those sorts of things.

And early January or maybe even late 1995, I came across a series of holiday photos from 1988, that showed my beautiful 16 year old body.
I have always known I have been fortunate. Even now, the weight I put on doesn’t bother me aesthetically.
But the moment I saw that size 6, 16 year old girl, that could eat all she want?
I longed to be so thin again.
Or, if that was no longer an option biochemically or for other reasons;
then at least I tried.
But it was as if the simplicity of that body, stood for a simplicity in life that got lost afterwards.
Because I didn’t just long for the body;
I also wanted to live her life, and be as productive as in 1988.
I had made full schooldays, five days a week, low on social interaction if any.
At nighttime I studied.
And yet I was not unhappy. Not at all.
I had a hobby, I was a photographer and I knew people outside of school from that. And I also had friends where I lived and at school, although those ties were not intensive at the time.
I was mostly by myself, and at school.
The only thing I did that could explain my Sports Illustrated physique, was 45 minutes on my bicycle twice I day.
Early this year or late last year, I already realized having this routine to fall back on, was gold.
“All” I have to do to lose the kilos and get the work done publishing my books, is to copy 1988.
And if that doesn’t work, then that doesn’t work.
But it was 100% worth trying.
Except back then, I didn’t.
Partially because I was enjoying myself too much in bars and cafes to put myself on a social diet.
And I was also doing really well if I went out.
Both creatively because I was feeling more alive, as well as doing well productively, in terms of working on my books,
So there was no immediate reason to act on those “size 6, and the grades to match” photos. Even though for a moment there, I thought I would.
But things have changed.
The Hard Rock Cafe where I used go Thursdays and Sundays, is closed.
Officially they are on a holiday. But there is no end date on the sign when they will be back and rumors say it was closed by the authorities because of lack of hygiene.  
It has given me time to find out how badly I want to sacrifice my Fridays and Mondays, to having a good time the night before.
I m guessing not that badly.
And sexually, Bear and me are in a difficult place, that also makes me long for simpler times.
There is of course still the matter of him living together with his girlfriend now. And even though I know it doesn’t make that much of a difference if we have sex as in oral sex, or sex as in intercourse;
Emotionally, they are a world apart.
So when he comes over we always kiss and cuddle but we rarely have sex. And if we do, it is oral sex. I have received, let him touch me, only once. And I had to mentally recover from that for weeks.
It was a full-on, emotional meltdown that was productivity wise the equivalent of a fortnight at the Hard Rock Cafe.
Which makes that I have two reasons to long back to the time of that photo, to 1988
If I decide to go with “her” schedule and the place she was in her sexual development, both things fall into place.
So I have decided to make a project out of it;
Project 88
Five days a week, I m going to exercise preferably by cycling;
And as much as possible, I m going to keep school hours and homework hours at my desk.
Go to bed on time, and get up at 6.30
And since it’s March 8th tomorrow, and the year I m going back to is 1988 (and it’s called Project 88), I m going to keep it going for 88 days.
Start date (day 1): Monday March 8, 1996

Get up at 6.30 Monday – Friday
Exercise preferably cycling, Monday – Friday
To bed around 10.30 P.M.
Last day (day 88): Thursday June 3, 1996

Work on publishing my books, school hours and homework hours.
Have fun sexually, but keep it light.
It brought me a good life then;
And it will bring me a good life now.

An unexamined life is not worth living

Project 88| 1996 diary
is the sixth chapter to
1996 diary 

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