This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.
Dear Sara,
It is certainly one thing to decide you’re going to:
-go back 25 years in time
-write your diary as a second chance Anais Nin from the year 2000 upwards
-embody your Y2K, 27 y.o. self
-come up with a 10 year plan to become your own beneficiary, gathering a big enough fortune to be able to be a fulltime writer after that. Never needing your art to make money.
(just like Anais Nin had her husband Hugo taking care of her)
And then executing the thing.
In particular without feeling vengeful that your work will in all probability be something that destroys the earth or humanity (because those industries are where I will be focusing my attention, since I want that money in the smallest amount of time);
And to not be affected by that.
To not see destroying life as a personal retribution for letting me live a life I do not want.
But also not as something that would have been preventable had I been “smarter” with how to sell and package my art.
Knowing, that if I saw a way to make selling my writing a financially safe choice, considering I am alone and will not be having people taking care of me or a network to fall back on, in particular not 20 years from now;
If I knew a way how focusing only on my art was a responsible and sustainable thing to do, I would.
Not in the least because it would save a couple of nuclear warheads from being made, or African mines being raided.
And even if I would know a way to do it without destroying the world?
I would still have the amount of extraverting, pretending and fakeness I will have to muster in ten years. The amount of ugliness I will have to endure.
The people I will see being thrown in front of the bus, and not saying anything because I have my 10 year fortune to think about.
The plan is good in theory, and aside from marrying a rich man whose biggest joy would be to take care of me, and to see me blossom in my literary work;
I do not have any other plan.
This is the only one.
But I am beginning to entertain the thought history’s most evil people, who plunged the world into darkness and despair, are artists who just wanted to live a life of creativity.
Yet one day succumbed to the demands of the world.
And started using the force given to them to create beautiful things, for evil.
That the same energy and inspiration that could have, and should have, been used for great art, was used for great destruction.
I’m starting to see there are few things more dangerous than taking away a creator away from their art.
They are almost coded to turn against the world.
I haven’t seen the movie Oppenheimer, but I’m guessing he just wanted to go to art school but his parents made him choose physics.
So the past couple of weeks I have spent finetuning my days and my weeks, since all my creative work now has to be moved to the margins of what is left after I have fulfilled my financial penance.
Which was also really depressing, of course.
But I am definitely getting there, and I have also created a way to open more than one door to financial freedom.
To make the hardest most destructive career, just one door.
But to deliberately put in place two others!
As a sign to the universe saying:
“If I’m not supposed to go through that first door, then cast me a boon through the others! Or a husband!”
This post was already called “The Execution”, and I had already created my square Canva image, when I found out WordPress had removed the Classic option from their software.
I’m stuck in Block Editor now.
Something I have been resisting for about four years I think it must be, since the first new update was installed by them.
Everytime I managed to find a loophole without having to upgrade to paid (which is required to install a Classic Editor plugin). But I’m sure this is beyond my abilities to fix.
And still don’t know how Block Editor works.
I tried to get a medium sized image into the text, aligned on the right side of the first paragraph.
But all to no avail.
So I changed the Canva into a flat rectangle, so that it can just stay at the top of the post.
And within my limited Block Editor skills.
And I spent an hour looking for the option to change the links back to pink (which I found, but it is not changing the links back to pink) as well as the option to turn the block text to black instead of grey.
Which I did not find and is probably behind a paid program or choosing a more flexible theme, or both.
Now I have to manually change the color.
So even the execution of writing this regular monthly letter, is more complicated than I thought.
But it has to be said;
I love the new Canva image.
The long rectangle.
It’s an improvement to the smaller squares, in particular because I am putting more and more work into creating the Canvas.
Having them more prominent, towering the blogpost, is fitting.
So my only hope is that my new life as my own beneficiary will somehow too turn out to make my art better or my writing more interesting.
Or provide me with skills such as becoming better at publishing, handling complex projects and situations.
But I’m definitely not getting my hopes up here.
And will keep an eye on those other two doors.
~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living
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