I’m currently publishing my books, the first two are finished. I have ordered test copies.
One of the surprises it brought me, going through my archives, was finding this “draft”, written July last year.
Except it isn’t a draft, it is a complete blog post.
Perhaps it stayed unpublished because it struck me as too personal at the time…
Here it is, nine months later.
20 April 2020
The Sex & Relationship Secrets That Took Me 14 Years To Uncover
written at 23 July, 2020
It wasn’t until episode 3 of The Witcher, where the deformed stubborn magic apprentice Yennefer dumps her betraying lover, bypasses the wishes of the magic council, and arranges her own physical transformation with the sorcerer who is in charge of all the magical makeovers, and comes out ravishing and ready to rule, on the other side, that I could finally see my place in this world.
That I could make my peace with having been on a way too long journey, with way too little to show for, of discovering my own sexuality and relationship style.
Although back then in 2006 I thought I would end with wanting my then current relationship back.
That my journey would most likely go round in a circle.
So did I really want to risk losing it all, for the voice in my head that said:
“This isn’t you.” ?
The truth is of course, that I did.
We broke up in October 2006, after 14 years. But from April on, that year, I was already accompanied by my new companion; Writing.
It was as if the voice of God, the voice of The Muse, the voice of destiny had all come to me in the same voice:
First the voice came in the shape of my old diaries I found in the attic. To this day that story is my bio on my sales page.
Then the voice became my first writing, and almost immediately I took on a pseudonym.
I rationalized the pseudonym with needing the privacy. I was a yoga teacher and didn’t want to discuss my personal writing in class.
I needed two separate identities.
But with the decision being almost immediately – far before I had a website, posted to social media and so on – was it really a rational choice?
Or was LS Harteveld, from the get go, the real me?
I think what I have experienced the last three years and why this site/ my writing/ and basically everything in my life has been so messy, was a deep mourning sparked by people leaving, my sweet pet dying.
Things shifting – in particular in the relationship with my former lover Mr.Big. He broke up with me in December. (2019) But I really date that first shift back to late 2017, early 2018.
That’s when something changed.
And I m sure I m forgetting other factors as well-
But they all resulted in me trying everything for three years to “make things right”.
When I know now:
They are never going to be “right”.
My 14 year journey on a quest for sexuality and relationship styles that do suit me;
It has no happy ending.
What I want, or perhaps “What I am”, she has no happy endings.
Not because I am not deserving of them, but because what I am is so rare, although many say it is common.
Many say that the softporn movie for which I actually joined Netflix for the first time, “365 Days”, as well as another female-gets-conquered-by-domineering-man saga, “50 Shades” can be explained by what “I” have, to be extremely common.
If all women want what I want, and they project that onto that movie which is why they are so popular, then all women want a dominant.
But fortunately or perhaps unfortunately, the sex and relationship I wanted or needed or desired, was a bit more complicated than that.
So, what is it I discovered in those 14 years?
What is this illusive, strange, 50 Shades, 365 Days, Might be Common After All dynamic that I require with a man, that explains;
– why it took me 14 effin’ years to figure this shit out
– why I have instinctively wanted to stop writing under this strong, candid, Reality-Creating-By-Pen account of LS Harteveld, so often…
I can’t even promise it will never happen again, that’s how much this account conflicts with what I would want from a man!
– why all men with whom I ve had fantastic sex with – with the exception of the man I had a 14 year long relationship with, but all others – did not choose for me, and left me for other women as if it was the most logical, sensible thing in the world that of course I was not chosen.
– And what is this illusive, strange dynamic that I require with a man that they were probably right, when they thought it was the most logical, sensible thing in the world to not choose me?
I, NEED TO BE WANTED
Not loved, although that’s obviously part of it.
Not a good fit, in any normal, functional, practical way.
It’s hard to be ALL that you are, if someone is not doing well
After 14 years of searching I know why the relationship I was in (until 2006) was not the perfect one.
And I do not expect I will go around in a circle and we will ever become lovers again, the way I thought we would.
Because although our bond was a day-to-day little party of two teens having fun (basically);
He was suffering in a way I could not help him with.
I took as much load off his shoulders as I could, hoping he’d refind his strength.
But to no avail.
And because I had been with him for so long, I started thinking I was probably part of the problem since I was obviously no part of the solution. No matter what I tried it wasn’t working.
This connects to why I believe I should pick up and continue writing on this account, as LS Harteveld, for as long and as often as I can.
To avoid something like that ever happening again, I need to present the strongest, fiercest side of myself.
I need to dial up, and not tone down. And allow myself to show “my full size” so to speak.
I need a dominant partner,
14 Years after leaving that relationship, I think there was something else besides the altruistic motive of not wanting my career overshadowing him and making matters worse.
The less altruistic reason was:
I needed him to be strong.
I needed him to be dominant.
And I wish I had known this!
Not only do I see now that relationship failing did not have anything to do with him changing. I changed. I needed something else, and I didn’t know it.
And had I known it, I also would not have needed the 14 years of dating and truth-finding that followed.
So the reason I return today here on this blog, writing, and the reason I am convinced I need to keep writing as LS Harteveld, is because LS Harteveld shows who I am, the strongest most unapologetic side of me.
If a man I am in love with, can (could, in the very unlikely case my love life with Mr.Big picks up, would) deal with being with LS Harteveld? He can deal with anything.
And if not, LS Harteveld saves us a lot of time.
Firstly non monogamy for myself, although that requires some elaboration.
Non-monogamy for myself means that if there are or come other men into my life, I want my partner to be supportive of that.
A strong partner is not a strong partner, if he believes that he has to isolate his woman, because she will otherwise run from him.
As such non-monogamy is required, regardless of the chances of multiple partners ever happening for me.
But the major thing is non-monogamy on his side.
Like I said, my key element in a relationship is to be wanted. Not NEEDED.
If I m the only one he has sex with, that comes dangerously close to being needed, since who else is he going to have sex with, right?
I m not saying he necessarily has to have an entire harem – he still has to make me feel wanted above anything else, so there are of course some challenges there – but he does need enough space and time away from me, so that I don’t know what he’s up to all the time.
This complicated non-monogamy, where I require a partner to be his own man, was the hardest or perhaps most uncommon thing about my sexuality, that I uncovered in 14 years.
That I was never bothered by a desire to break free from my monogamous relationship, which in fact could explain why my new “lover” in 2006 became Writing and not a crush on another man, but that in hindsight I had been bothered by my partner not having an interest in other women.
To this day, I have not met anybody so outspoken with regard to that, who wanted his or her partner to have sex with other people.
If I would have to guess, I would think that from the secrets this one was the hardest to figure out.
I think it took 10 years.
It wasn’t until I became a mistress to Mr.Big, a secret lover, that it started to dawn on me that I liked another woman “there”.
Even if it meant I was the lover, the mistress.
I felt more at ease there than being in a monogamous relationship, that much was certain.
Needing a dominant lover was a relatively easy thing to figure out.
And when it comes to behavior between the sheets, most men are willing to do you a favor.
What took a whole lot of extra time, was realizing that a desire for a dominant in sex or a dominant lover, was rooted in a need to be wanted.
I didn’t know that.
It does explain why I feel so hurt and immediately want to leave if I feel a lover doesn’t want me.
If my lover doesn’t want me, I have no business being around him.
It may explain why I took the breakup (December 2019) reasonably well;
I don’t put up a fight, when I ve already lost.
It also took the full 14 years, until this week, which is why I consider my journey finished, to realize why all the men I had amazing sex with left me.
And that is because being domineering in bed, and being able to make me feel wanted – or even wanting me – are not the same as wanting a relationship.
And this brings me to something no one has ever brought up.
5. The Biggest Secret I Discovered About Relationships Has Been Around Since 50 Shades
In the entire 50 Shades discussion, where Christian Grey negotiates his liaison with Anastasia with an extensive contract about what it is they are going to do, I have not heard anything about which I consider now to be the biggest secret I learned.
It was also never mentioned in the consent/ no consent conversation around Netfix’s streambuster “365 Days” where a Massimo abducts Laura and gives her 365 days to fall in love with him.
It’s so simple though.
Not only did these men make the women they desired feel wanted.
Not only were they both dominant in bed.
But *drum roll* they also both laid out the structure their relationship was going to have!
Ana got her say in anything from her hard limits to how much time they would spend together every week.
And Laura knew she would be held captive, but never be touched unless or until she would be literally begging for it.
And Massimo kept his word.
Both women were not just consistently asked for their consent; The structure of the relationship was mapped out for them.
I bet my writing pen, my Lauren Harteveld 2.0 rebirth, and all the lovers that I will probably no longer ever have because I am the strong bold blogger LS Harteveld who nobody dares to date – I bet all those things it was never Christian Grey’s money we fancied.
Nor being robbed of our free will by Mossano.
It was never because we – let’s make that “I” and not hide – wanted rapey sex,
although of course I want that too.
No, the thing that explains both the appeal of 50 Shades as well as 365 Days is that it depicts a dominant man, who stands for his desire for a woman.
He wants her.
And yes he lives up to his end of the bargain and is a good lover.
And yet still, it was never even about dominance or wanting her, or being a good lover.
In the end what explains the appeal of the movies, and men like Christian and Mossano, is that they wanted and offered, a real relationship, right from the get go.
The most deviant thing of all, I guess 😉
An Unexamined Life is Not Worth Living
(paragraph below is still part of the original blog/ draft. I ve kept it in because I like to share this in its complete form, just like I found it)
The Journey Has Ended – but will be continued in modest form
I really have no idea how often I will write here.
From 2006-2020 I ve written a lot- but it was tied to finding out who I was sexually and relationship-wise, and didn’t really come with instructions of what the 2020 maintenance dose should be after I had reached my destination.
Nor was it set up knowing that I would be so uncomfortable to give up writing now that we are here – at the end of our journey, and coming to terms with the fact that maybe Writing was my Lover all along…
I feel so trapped and confused thinking about how I was always not chosen as a real relationship, yet at the same time I know quitting writing is not the solution.
What I do know is that I feel strong(er) with writing, than without.
And a little less as if the 14 years were in vain.
So until next time it is then, my friend.
An unexamined life is not worth living
My diaries are available at LULU
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