This is a letter to my creativity coach Sara
Before our call I always give her a headsup.

I cannot let this story end, the way I was willing to just minutes ago.
So bear with me, because I won’t let this die on us.

Lauren deserves her happy end.
Even though I have no idea how to give her one.

But the previous version reminded me of the role of the last fairy in the story of Cinderella. She had not yet made her wish. And that was why, after the evil witch had cast a spell that Cinderella would die on her 18th birthday;
She, the final fairy, could soften it to Cinderella sleeping for a 100 years.
Not dying.

Only in my story I was the evil witch who had decided that in order to survive patriarchy for the upcoming decades, I had to fully step into my masculinity;
And Lauren, the femme lover, had to die.

And I was also the last fairy who said:
“We will build her a safe space. Lauren will live, we will make sure of that.”

And now I am Lauren Harteveld the writer who says:
“That is not good enough. We need to save her. And by save I mean that her best life should not be behind her. It should be ahead.”
And I paused before I added:
“And by best life, I mean best sex life.”

And good fairy-me and evil witch-me said:
“Duh.”

And that was how, minutes before writing this post, I changed my mind, even though I have been convinced for weeks I would go the masculine road.
And that the moments when I still wore beige (my Lauren color), the moments I felt love for a man or thought of myself as a sexual being, that they were nothing more than final flare-ups of denial.
I thought I could push through because this was the only way.

You know everything that happened, and how it absolutely broke me. Or to be more precise: It rebirthed me into this badass superhero who did not feel anything anymore.
The moments I step into that version of me, there is a complete isolation.
And it doesn’t even feel bad, it feels enlightened.
Because when you are emotionally detached, you are no longer bothered by the heaviness of life. Life becomes serene, funny, playful. But there is a complete disconnect because despite the word “lightheartedness” having the word heart in it: My personal lightheartedness did not have my heart in it.

So even though the plan took care of all the moving bits and pieces, by saving Lauren as well as providing a safe, coherent and doable strategy as to who I would be the second half of my life;
I couldn’t do it.

The day felt like standing on the edge of a cliff, dreading the bungy jump that suddenly felt like a death verdict.
The part about actually saving Lauren, the feminine part of myself that I cultivated so patiently over so very many years, no longer seemed so certain.
Something could go wrong. In particular if at any point in time I would start to believe I actually was this powerful masculine energy.

And even if it did work;
Having Lauren boxed up in a safe room couldn’t possibly be enough.
A Lauren the Lover who revives herself at 6 PM, and/ or in the rare hours I don’t work nor socialize?
It’s all great in theory – or not great but realistic and probably the best decision any woman can make regardless of her age – but it also felt completely destructive to even think of shoving her away like that.
She has already has been shoved to the side by her lover;
If I would do this I would be doing the same to “her” as what he has done, and leave her just like he had: By no longer making space for her. 

Maybe that’s the end of this story, pointing to the road I should be taking. The other way. To stop cultivating the bodyguard, the masculine side of me, even though I have successfully been pushing that for so very long now.
And even longer if I count the first iterations of that, 8, 10 years ago.

Maybe it should be the other way around.
Instead of saving Lauren the Lover in a climate controlled room, where she can rejuvenate her female energy after 6 PM and cherish her soft feminine ways;
That instead, I should have an emergency outfit for moments that absolutely need to be met in my masculine energy.
That Lauren the Lover is my default, and regardless if I ever get a new lover.

It feels vulnerable and risky, but all things considering, I think Lauren should lead.

I honestly feel calmer and more grounded than I have all day. And that’s my answer then, right there.

It’s a yes.
Duh.

Books 

My diaries are available at LULU 
New books will be added.

Nederlands blog:
https://zegmaarlauren.com/