A Dark Chosen One.
Scorpio Rising.
A Dark Queen.
Three titles from blogposts out of the top of my head, from the past few years.
And the last title is as recent as early January, so my need to write about this is accelerating. Which is unsettling for multiple reasons.

Writing is one of the few ways I can address this.
What it’s like if what you are on the outside does not have anything to do with who you are inside.

But every time I write about this issue it seems to solve little. If anything, it highlights the contrast, making it more disturbing and the dissonance more prominent.

Every time I put it into words, I feel more disheartened.
And yet also closer to solving the riddle of how I came into being.
Why this dark woman exists and why she is so deeply alone.

It is because I did not come into this dark power by myself.
She was awakened by my last lover, years ago.
Now that I am no longer his mistress, I am responsible for this awakened dark, sexual queen!

But it’s not just the fact that he is no longer in my life;
It’s my day-to-day life itself, that has not changed in her favor.
I have less space for her than in the years when she was still welcomed by the both of us.

So the way I see it today, is that this new blogpost, the fourth time I write about “her”, comes with an understanding that of course she’s causing problems.
She wasn’t there in the past, not like this!
There are many parts of her which I recognize, of course I do. She didn’t come out of nowhere.

But this blogpost is my acknowledgement that she was born, with him.
She chose our affair, and that forbidden bed, to come into being.
She was born into our affair, like Pallas Athena fully grown from the head of Zeus.

I have done more astrological research, and I can see where she is in my chart.
But there’s also a public persona there, that can function without needing my breath.
The “fake me” is me as well! Which is beautiful.

Yet this dark side that is completely private, and no one sees her, not even when I say she’s here.
But I have shed enough tears over not being seen, and cried enough over him leaving.

And a throne is waiting.
Our, throne.
.
.~Lauren
An unexamined life is not worth living